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Relationships

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Original poster

If a husband is ADAMANT that he does not want kids...

49 replies

niceone1 · 10/04/2009 17:05

...and agrees to have them anyway in order to keep his wife, do you think that it can ever work?

This isn't me, it's friends of mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

niceone1 · 12/04/2009 07:43

Good points from all. I think at 24 she felt not having kids was something she felt prepared to 'go along with' in order to keep him, whereas in your 30s it's a differnt story for most women, I think.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 12/04/2009 07:47

This happened to both my sisters.

Both their husbands ended up realising that the relationship would probably end if their wives did not have children and reluctantly capitulated.

Both adored their children and did quite a lot of childcare. One marriage still going strong. The other was going strong when BIL tragically died.

The BIL who died was a particularly good Dad. I remember being in church once and hearing a parable about people being asked to help with something. Some said "yes of course," but didn't turn up. But one moaned and grumbled but did it anyway. I drew an analogy between them and some fathers I have known. Some are mad keen to have kids, but once the reality hits they can't take it. Others are well aware of the reality - and hard work - of parenting, and therefore aren't too keen. But when it does happen to them they take it in their stride.

Supercherry · 12/04/2009 10:31

My partner was very keen on trying for a baby but now is very reluctant to help with anything.

Pruners · 12/04/2009 10:51

Message withdrawn

SamVimesIsMyHero · 12/04/2009 11:05

I don't think my dad particularly wanted children but my mum was adamant. He has been (and still is) a good dad to me and my brother so I think if he is a good person things could work out fine.

SamVimesIsMyHero · 12/04/2009 11:07

Oh and I only know he didn't particularly want children because my mum told me, I wouldn't have known/guessed otherwise, especially the way he dotes on his grandchildren

KerryMumbles · 12/04/2009 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHedgeWitchIsNAK · 12/04/2009 13:36

This reply has been deleted

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MadamDeathstare · 12/04/2009 13:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2009 13:49

Think people should be more honest with the fact they may want children..that they may change their minds..

staryeyed · 12/04/2009 13:57

I know a couple that did this- I know the man better. He always talks about his child in a very resentful way (although he obviously loves him) and its clear that he regrets having them and has said definitely no more. He talks openly about wanting to not have the responsibility and missing his old life and was very resentful about having to clear his room for the baby and not having the free time he used to have. I think their marriage will work- they seem quite tight but at the same time I do feel for the child that may pick up on the fact that he wasn't wanted that much by the father which is sad.

TheScatterGunApproach · 12/04/2009 17:25

Why would you not discuss this before marriage?

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 12/04/2009 22:16

So, all you 'they should have talked about it before marriage' people.....

You NEVER felt differently afterward about anything you discussed before marriage? You NEVER negotiated anything after you got married? More specifically, your feelings about having children NEVER changed in any way?

Lucky you.

Have said before, and will say again--you don't know what the future holds. The way someone feels about motherhood can change dramatically. Seems pretty rotten that we answer this with 'just suffer, because you should have known you wanted kids!'

That doesn't even answer the original question, which was 'can the relationship survive if one party gives in?'

Bluestocking · 12/04/2009 22:22

His stated reasons make him sound like a total fuckwit. Do you think the relationship is OK apart from the issue of having children? (I realise this is a bit like saying "is the patient OK apart from the fact that his leg is hanging off by a thread").

Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2009 22:37

This is not something you discuss at a later date...this is a deal-breaker imo..if you even have an inkling you should be woman or man enough to say you are not sure..this is not like having a pet...the relationship may survive but don't be surprised if there is resentment...at the end of the day the person who does not want to have children was honest from the beginning...

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 12/04/2009 22:43

mumcentreplus, do you not believe there are people out there that honestly believe they don't want children, only to change their minds later? Or vice-versa?

Going to answer that myself, there was a time in my life when I really thought I didn't want children! Thank god I didn't get married during that phase--I most certainly would have discussed children beforehand and given the 'wrong' answer.

Callipygia · 12/04/2009 22:45

You can't go into a marriage, having heard your partner say "I don't want children", and count on them changing. It's simply stupid. Yes, they might change their mind, but it's a huge gamble. Of course people change their minds about all sorts of things but this is a big 'thing', it is risky to treat it as if it weren't.

Chatkins · 12/04/2009 22:46

My dad didn't want me, or my sister, and it has affected our relationship with him, as he basically admits this, and has never bothered to try to have relationships with us. However, saying that I am glad my mum had us, as we are very close to her.
It does make me wary with my own dh though.
We have 3, and I'd like more but only if he felt as sure as I do. I really worry that if he agreed to another just to keep me happy he could end up resenting that child, and the child will definitly know about it.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 12/04/2009 23:05

Remember that there is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to have children. The world is overpopulated anyway, and I have far more respect for people who don't want children, say so and stick to to it rather than giving in reluctantly to please a partner or because 'it's what you do, isn;t it'.
It's unfortunately quite common, though, for people to marry agreeing that they will stay childfree and then for one partner to change his/her mind (and it isn't always the woman who suddenly longs for parenthood). Whether they should end their relationship or agree to have a child depends on loads of different factors: how strongly each person feels, and whether parenthood/non-parenthood matters more than the current couple-relationship.

Mumcentreplus · 12/04/2009 23:10

As I said Yankee for me this would be a deal breaker...you go into a marriage hoping someone will change their mind and then you get upset when they don't?..more fool you..totally agree Calli...for a time I did not want children...but things changed I got older..and if this is about marriage...I would have to be honest and say I wasn't sure or that I can't make that kind of promise...then the ball would be in his court..

mmaramotswe · 12/04/2009 23:19

I was in this position before dd was born so can tell you what happened next for us. DP was adamant he didn't want children at first. Then he said that he felt he would not enjoy being a father but thought perhaps he should be for me and because he might regret not having had children. We went through a lengthy IVF process to have dd who we both adore.
I do think though that if a man is saying he doesn't want children and then has them, he is unlikely to have an epiphany after the birth. DP has had a hard time adjusting to fatherhood. He is still selfish. He will still sometimes say hurtful things like, 'Well you knew I never wanted chidren.'
I wouldn't turn the clock back though. DD is the most precious thing to us both.

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 13/04/2009 12:02

Mumcentreplus, you've completely missed the point I was trying to make.

Someone may honestly believe at the time of their marriage that they do not want children. They discuss this with their partner (as we can agree all responsible people do). Then later on they change their minds.

This is NOT the same as someone marrying a person despite having discussed their different views on having children and just hoping that the partner will go along with it when it's sprung on them later. THAT I do not agree with.

What I've been trying to get across is that we should have some compassion for partners (male or female) who find themselves in the unfortunate position of wanting children when they've previously believed they didn't want them. No one has been dishonest.

If someone really thought they didn't want children, why on earth would they say 'there's a possibility' when it's discussed before marriage?

YanknbeforetheCockcrows · 13/04/2009 12:04

and well said, SGSB.

jenkel · 13/04/2009 12:09

Apparently my Mum and Dad were like this, he did not want kids, Mum did, she managed to persuade him and they had me, unfortunatly Mum was very ill after having me and he said no more. I was really close to my dad and they lived a very happy married life until he sadly died aged 44. However, he was in his early 20's when they had me.

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