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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex life but we want another baby!

32 replies

Mishee · 09/04/2009 18:30

We have a serious lack of sex life, like only once since we had DS who is now 3! DH just not interested. DH is overweight, high blood pressure and likes a drink which could all contribute to his lack of sex drive. He also has a fear of failing erections, which is of course then a viscious circle.
To make DS, DH took some tablets we saw advertised called Arginmax. These helped out with the mechanics, although he was still never in the mood (mainly too tired) so I had to literally take advantage of him! Believe it or not, we do have a healthy marriage apart from the lack of sex, which we have both got used to. However, I'm now getting on a bit and so it's a case of now or never. He brought up having another baby, which we would both like and he has started taking the Arginmax again, but this time it's having no effect (and he's still genuinly too tired). Can anyone recommend any lotions or potions they've used which worked? Am tempted to give up and be happy with the one child I've got, but would love hime to have a sibling. Advice please.

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 09/04/2009 18:32

Send your DH to the GP for a check up and some health advice - and he might even be able to get Viagra or Citalis on prescription, which might be cheaper or safer than wierd pills off the internet.

Original poster
Mishee · 09/04/2009 18:35

Get a bloke to the doctor about his lack of sex life? It's never going to happen I'm afraid and they won't talk about it with me on his behalf because I've tried.

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 18:37

tbh he needs to lose some weight and get healthy - (pot, kettle, black here but ho hum) if he was thinner and fitter he would feel better, be less tired and more up for it. He'll also be around a lot longer for his family if he does this.

IheartEASTEREGGS · 09/04/2009 18:39

can he masturbate? get a turkey baster and do it yourself?

giantkatestacks · 09/04/2009 18:40

The not going to the doctor thing I understand about men but either he wants another baby and is prepared to do something he doesnt like it to get one or he doesnt really want it.

After all you have to be pregnant and give birth its not too much to ask to go to the doctor tbh.

PinkTulips · 09/04/2009 18:40

the odd failing erection is normal, it happening every time is a sign of something being wrong. combined with the constant exhaustion it sounds worrying.

insist he go to the docs. use emotional blackmail. ask him how you and ds are supposed to cope if he dies of prostate cancer/testicular cancer/heart disese etc because he was too embaressed to go to the docs.

it could be nothing more than weight and drink related.... or it could be serious, he owes it to you and his ds to find out and get it sorted.

LoveMyGirls · 09/04/2009 18:42

If he was my DH I would say ok to a baby as long as he sorted out his weight and blood pressure tbh otherwise he has no reason to sort those out and tbh he does need to not just for his sex life but also for his confidence and life span.

I lost 2 and a half stone with weight watchers last year and I feel a million times better for it maybe he could do the same then you can try for a baby without the need for any help? (just a suggestion)

Sorry he is burying his head in the sand.

Original poster
Mishee · 09/04/2009 18:54

I know he's burying his head in the sand, we got a postcard through the door the other day offering free health checks at the doctors but he said no to that because the dr would just tell him to lose weight etc. He really won't go. I've tried the emotional blackmail, which did stop him smoking. To be honest, I just want a willy hardener! Have honestly thought about the chicken baster option too. TBH, I'm knackered all the time aswell and just want to sleep when I go to bed, but I think that I've just forgotten how good it is to have an active sex life. We did when we were first together. Marriage seemed to put an end to it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mishee · 09/04/2009 18:55

Also, if I start to talk about it I feel I'm putting even more pressure on him, which will have a negative effect, or else he says I'm nagging, which I do sometimes, but if I don't I'll soon be having my menopause!

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 09/04/2009 19:08

seriously your problem is about more than a willy hardener, what if he can't get it up because there's something wrong with him? this isn't something that will get better on its own - are you going to spend the rest of your life with no sex? you can't be that old if you are talking about getting pregnant.

Tell him you want another baby and if he wants one too the only way to get one is for him to improve his health. He doesn't want to see he doctor because he knows what they will say. You have to make him do it - for his sake and yours and your child's.

LoveMyGirls · 09/04/2009 19:09

What happens if you get a babysitter and go out for a meal have a few glasses of wine (not really drunk) perhaps were something provocative? Would that help things?

Too tired for sex = too tired for a baby imho, being pg & then newborn baby won't help you feel less knackered either will it?

Have you looked at why you are both so worn out? Does your ds keep you awake? Long working hours? Late nights?

QOD · 09/04/2009 19:10

forgetting about his health etc etc my dd was conceived using masturbation, a pot & a (needle-less) syringe

nikki1978 · 09/04/2009 19:15

Don't mean to sound rude but if this was my DH I would be very worried! I would be nagging and shouting at him till he got himself to the docs. He should take care of his health if he has a family - otherwise he is being selfish. Are you sure he is too tired for sex or just too scared about failing to get it up? And why should you go without sex anyway. Once in 3 years would be very worrying to me as I think sex is a very important part of the relationship - it shouldn't just be about making a baby. He needs to lose weight, cut down on drinking and see the doctor. How overweight is he? If you are overweight too can you go on a diet with him to encourage him?

Moosy · 09/04/2009 19:46

Read this, consider his weight/lifestyle and perhaps be a little more forceful about getting him to the doctor.

I agree that your lack of sex life may well be the least of your worries.

howtotellmum · 09/04/2009 19:53

It is all about his lifestyle...overwieght, high BP, drink...all guaranteed to give erectile probs.

Can you give him a short, sharp shcok? Ie. "If you carry on like this, you won't live long enough to see your DC grow up, never mind create another one."

If he eats mainly at home, can you make sure he etas healthily? Can you take up some sport together or plan a goal- such as a 5km run/walk for charity?

Why is he not motivated to look after his health? That's what you need to talk about and act onm, not another baby.

solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 09/04/2009 21:00

Um, he does actaully have to make some effort to contribute to family life, not just sit there bloating and farting and not being able to find his willy but expecting you to run around and deliver everything from clean socks to his dinner to another baby...

Shylily · 09/04/2009 22:13

Could you get him to go to the doctor with you? Perhaps if you say you think you need a check before you decide to go for baby number 2. Then you could discuss his problems with him there. There are other medications which may be far more appropriate this time.
Good luck.

Original poster
Mishee · 10/04/2009 08:41

solidgoldshaggingbunnies - that really made me laugh - thanks for that as was beginning to feel quite fed up about the whole situation. Think I've made a decision - DS is a delight, I've got a good life, I do love DH and, apart from the lack of nookie and the odd row, we do have a good marriage, so I'm going to stick with the one perfect child and get on with life - lots of people have things FAR worse than me, so I'm going to appreciate what I've got. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 10/04/2009 08:49

But the issue of his health is serious surely- this is not just about wanting another baby- it is about a man who seems hell-bent on self-destruct! are you happy to sit back and watch that happen?

PinkTulips · 10/04/2009 12:30

don't you love him enough to want to have him around for more than 5 or 10 years?

2 healthy fit, active men i knew died suddenly in their early 50's recently..... what do you think your dh's chances of reaching even that age are if he's so unhealthy he can't get a hard on? doens't have the energy to make love to his wife?

get a grip woman, if you don't help him get better you're as good as aiding his slow suicide

howtotellmum · 10/04/2009 14:43

Absolutely- his can't get an erection because he has high BP and is overweight and drinks too much -it will only be a matter of time before he has a heart attack. don't you get it????

Original poster
Mishee · 10/04/2009 18:26

Actually, PinkTulips, this is what I've done to help him:
I persuaded him to leave a high pressure job because I was scared the stress of it was going to harm him, saying I would go back full-time if need be. I supported him in becoming self employed, but when he got stressed about work coming in, after some 8 or so v successful months, I helped him find a less stressful job that would suit his skills and spent hours helping him write letter of app, preparing for interview etc.
Before having DS I worked bloody hard for a boss I couldn't stand so I could pay off the mortgage to make it easier for him to leave his job when the time came.
I buy healthy foods for us both, but can't control the crisps he buys on the way h9ome from work or the rich icecream he tucks into after a healthy meal that I have eaten.
I bought him a Wii Fit to encourage him to exercise.
How do you physically get someone to the doctor who doesn't want to go? Believe me, I've tried asking, nagging, pleading, begging - think of me, think of DS etc. Short of knocking him out and taking him there in a wheelbarrow, I'm at a loss. Don't thiink that taking the blame fo it myself is actually helpful.

OP posts:
howtotellmum · 11/04/2009 15:22

Maybe he could see a weight loss coach? That might not have so much stigma attached as going to the drs? Or perhaps you could book yourselves into a health club for along weekend? Just to get the ball rolling in healthy living?

I think somehow, you have to find a way of communicating to him that his behaviour is selfish- he is putting you at risk from a young widowhood, and his children growing up without a dad.

You can't make him change his behaviour, but you can change yours-could you, as someone else suggested- go on a a real healthy-living diet at the same time- all the family? Could you both do exercise together? swimming, walking, etc etc?

I don't think nagging will work- you need to sit him down and discuss the implications of his behaviour, which are obvious.

duchesse · 11/04/2009 15:39

He needs to seriously get in shape before contemplating another baby, cos he will be much more in demand as a parent of two.

Plus, the extra muscle will increase his testosterone levels and sex drive. Maybe he could make an appointment with his GP to go through his weight loss/ shape up options? They seem very keen to help people lose weight nowadays. Also, inactivity can cause depression, which would have a knock on effect on his libido. As a loving wife, I think the best thing you could do at the moment would be to nag encourage him into shape. If you are unfit as well, maybe you could set a challenge up between you- see who can achieve their perfect heart rate soonest maybe?

duchesse · 11/04/2009 15:41

Also, you could tell him you don't want another baby until you can be certain he's going to be fit/alive enough to help you with both children. Maybe that will shock him into some kind of action. Do his friends work out or do some kind of exercise that he could join in?