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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really like new DP, but embarrassed by him at the same time.

47 replies

NewName4ThisPost · 06/04/2009 18:57

I feel awful for writing this but I really need some advice.

I have just met a lovely man. We have so much in common, we want the same things out of life. He makes me laugh, he's kind and treats me with the utmost respect. I want to take things further with him (and I know he definately wants to take things further) but I'm worrying about other people's reaction.

I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. He's certainly not my usual type (usual type is rough around the edges rugby player types), he's geeky, placid, no oil painting (but neither am I!) I just know family and friends are going to think "wtf?" and think I'm "settling" just so I'm not on my own but it's really not like that.

I keep putting off him meeting anyone in my family or my friends and I avoid going out with him in our local area in case I bump into anyone I know.

I know this makes me sound like a complete bitch but I just can't help being self concious.

Has anyone else had any experience of family/friends disaproving partners simply based on stuff like looks etc?

How do I get over this?

OP posts:
lilacclaire · 06/04/2009 18:59

It sounds like you don't respect or accept him for who he is.
I would let him go and find someone who can.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but he doesn't deserve someone who is embarrassed by him.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 06/04/2009 18:59

if you are embarassed by him you are being just as judgemental as your family and friends
he deserves someone who likes him for him, he s0unds like he has a lot of good points,but you are embarassed by how he looks,which is a shame

chequersmate · 06/04/2009 19:00

If you like him then there is nothing to be embarassed about.

Sod everyone else, what has it got to do with them? Have the strength of character to not care about their opinions.

edam · 06/04/2009 19:00

Well, your usual type hasn't been very successful or you wouldn't be looking for a new man in the first place! So it's probably a good thing that he's different.

Is he really hideous or just not as gorgeous as your previous partners? Is he 5 foot nothing?

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 06/04/2009 19:00

you are disapproving of him based on looks, not your friends and family !

edam · 06/04/2009 19:01

(Apologies to small, ugly blokes, btw, just trying to think of things that would have made me cringe when introducing boyfriends to my family.)

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 06/04/2009 19:02

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Nettee · 06/04/2009 19:04

I would say that you are projecting your own doubts about your dp onto your friends and family. If you are embarrassed by the way he looks and is at this stage in your relationship I would think it is only going to get worse down the years. Do you think he is the bees knees and the cats pajamas? If not then are you really going to be happy with him. If so then so will you friends and family. On the other hand if you enjoy good times together and are comfortable in each others company and you want to make it work you will have to find a way round your feelings. Hold you head up and be proud to be with a decent bloke.

Original poster
NewName4ThisPost · 06/04/2009 19:05

No he's not hideous at all and tbh I've never gone for pretty boys anyway. It's just that I know my family will judge and take the piss. I'm 27, he's in his 30s. This is better for me as I'm quite old fashioned and like stuff that older people like (you'd never find me in a nightclub for instance!).

But in my family, all my cousins are similar ages to me and all their partners are young, loud, 'popular' types and I know people will wonder why I'm not with someone like them. Truth is I have always been different to my cousins and most people my age so I suppose it's only natural that I end up with someone different too?

My family are very judgemental though and I know I will become to topic of gossip for months.

I shouldn't care and I don't want to we had such a lovely day out yesterday it made me realise I could well see myself spending the rest of my life with this person and I'm letting the sniggering of others spoil it

OP posts:
DSM · 06/04/2009 19:06

You are being a bitch.

My last boyfriend was nothing like any of my last ones, he is an eco-warrior with really bizarre hair and only wears very odd, old clothes, covered in holes, wears strange hairbands and sometimes, skirts.

My friends are straight laced types, bankers, doctors, lawyers etc. Their DP/DH's are all typical city suit men, you know what I mean.

I knew they would be a bit at first, and I gave them a wee warning about his attire and such. But I was never embarrassed about him, not even close. And they all really liked him.

If you are embarrassed, then you are shallow.

chequersmate · 06/04/2009 19:06

I'm just thinking how gutted I would be if I was in his shoes and someone I really liked was thinking and verbalising all this stuff about me

I think I agree with the others, it's not fair to be with him when you think like this.

DSM · 06/04/2009 19:07

Why on earth would they think you would want to be with someone that they would like?

You are not the same people.

Are you sure that your friends and family are quite as judgemental as you?

Nettee · 06/04/2009 19:09

People are much more interested in their own lives than worrying about how 'popular' your new dp is or isn't. I am sure there wouldn't be months of gossip - would you gossip about your cousin had she introduced your DP to you as her dp? would you have thought she was so odd? If so then you really shouldn't be with him.

Original poster
NewName4ThisPost · 06/04/2009 19:10

Yes I'm sure DSM. My last boyfriend was the topic of everyone's conversations for over a year. They found it hilarious that I was with him and used to question me about him for their own ammusement all the time. And he was more like them than my current partner.

OP posts:
chequersmate · 06/04/2009 19:11

I'd be considering ditching my family rather than the boyfriend if they're as nasty as they sound.

LuluisgoingtobeanAunty · 06/04/2009 19:12

maybe you need new friends and family rather than a new partner

mrsmaidamess · 06/04/2009 19:14

Well I'm going to stick up for the OP and say I had these feelings about my dh (20 years ago now) when we first got together.

I was worred what other people would think and it took supreme effort to overcome this. I did not enjoy having thos efelings, I was torn by them, andI do not think the Op is being bitchy, she is being honest and needs to work through her feelings.

Its more about her inadequacies and lack of confidence than anything to do with him. Also its very easy to post and say 'Oh you are shallow and a bitch wbut when you feel ,like that thats the last thing you want to hear as you pretty much feel that anyway.

Try to get more confident in what YOU feel and worry less about the unimportant views of others.

Another point, do you find all of your friends and families partners completely appealing? Do you spoil their relationship because you don't see them the same way their partner does?

Even if your family cannot 'see' the attraction for you in this kind man, I hope they would be mature enough to keep it to themselves as you are obviously happy together.

DSM · 06/04/2009 19:15

Get new friends. And tell your cousins to fuck off and stop being such bitches.

piscesmoon · 06/04/2009 19:15

I think that you are more in need of new friends and family!

chequersmate · 06/04/2009 19:16

Oh, but in answer to the OP, yep, I've been out with someone who's perceived to be not my type/not a physical match.

I heard workmates and friends bitch about the fact that we were not in the same league (in their eyes I was more attractive than him). I was about 21 when we started going out - he was 36ish and on paper didn't have 'a lot going for him.'

I loved him, simple as that. And he did have a lot going for him, although he had very few academic qualifications - he did an access course and is now about to qualify as a social worker.

We went out for 3.5 years and, quite frankly, what anyone else thought about him did not matter to me.

(I did go on to marry a tall, good looking, well-paid bloke 2 years my junior though, so make of that what you will )

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 06/04/2009 19:16

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KERALA1 · 06/04/2009 19:18

Brazen it out. Be utterly confident and assured with them that this is who you have chosen to be with. Do not let anyone criticise him to your face, even a little bit. IF anyone does jump on it immediately and act outraged and defend him to the hilt. The sniping will have to stop if you have a zero tolerance approach to it. Thats what I would do anyway.

MadamDeathstare · 06/04/2009 19:20

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TrillianEAstraEgg · 06/04/2009 19:33

"all my cousins are similar ages to me and all their partners are young, loud, 'popular' types"

Your cousins sound awful.

You do need to question yourself and check if you have reservations about him for these reasons. If not, what other people think shouldn't be a question, tell your family to shut the up. You will have to make sure that when he meets your family he knows that you are completely on his side, and that you don't think any of the things that they might be saying.

27 and somewhere in 30's sounds about right to me, especially if there are children involved. A lot of 27 year old men are way too immature to take on the responsibility of a child (and many aren't, of course, but a lot are).

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 06/04/2009 19:42

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