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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Really like new DP, but embarrassed by him at the same time.

47 replies

NewName4ThisPost · 06/04/2009 18:57

I feel awful for writing this but I really need some advice.

I have just met a lovely man. We have so much in common, we want the same things out of life. He makes me laugh, he's kind and treats me with the utmost respect. I want to take things further with him (and I know he definately wants to take things further) but I'm worrying about other people's reaction.

I know I shouldn't but I can't help it. He's certainly not my usual type (usual type is rough around the edges rugby player types), he's geeky, placid, no oil painting (but neither am I!) I just know family and friends are going to think "wtf?" and think I'm "settling" just so I'm not on my own but it's really not like that.

I keep putting off him meeting anyone in my family or my friends and I avoid going out with him in our local area in case I bump into anyone I know.

I know this makes me sound like a complete bitch but I just can't help being self concious.

Has anyone else had any experience of family/friends disaproving partners simply based on stuff like looks etc?

How do I get over this?

OP posts:

EasterEggsintheSky · 06/04/2009 19:46

Blimey, what is it lately with people coming on, slagging off their partners and then asking if they should stay with them? . You obviously don't care enough to get over these worries so let him go. Assuming they haven't said anything yet, then you're assuming they will, which says a lot about your attitude towards him.

MrsMattie · 06/04/2009 19:47

Just chill the f out and enjoy being with him. Or don't be with him.

warthog · 06/04/2009 19:51

you're the one who has to spend time with him, not them. they sound awful, tbh, and he sounds lovely.

i think if they start taking the piss you need to stand up for him. they will stop, or you will need to spend less time with them.

you are different, so of course your partner will be too, or do you want to go out with someone like your cousins?

TheSynOddOneOfWhitby · 06/04/2009 19:54

A simple "Yes, but he's great in bed" usually suffices.

TrillianEAstraEgg · 06/04/2009 19:58

Oooh, get me one of those Reality.

Oh wait, I'm dating a biochemist, I have one of those

lisad123 · 06/04/2009 20:00

if his really as wonderful as you say, surely this would shine though for others and they will quickly see how wonderful he is and how good he is for you. If they cant then they need to look in the mirror.

Stop wondering about everyone else, and start thinking about you, they arent dating him after all.

ABetaDad · 06/04/2009 20:03

Trillian - Biochemists are definitley a good choice. My wife married one and I married one as well.

BFQi · 06/04/2009 20:07

Oh, OP, I do feel for you. It's not always easy dealing with other people's expectations. He sounds like a lovely guy, though, so get brave! (Anyway, what's the alternative?)

BocciBalls · 06/04/2009 20:12

Think people are being a bit hard on the OP - I understand where you're coming from - my DH quite posh, v confident (which meant he would just talk without always self-censoring!) and rather old-fashioned in his dress sense. I'm not exactly into fashion and happily admit to being rather square but I did worry if my friends would like him and v.v. They all adore each other and my worries were unfounded, I felt guilty for being worried but then a new relationship is something different, to be tested out and friends and family have known you forever and think this gives them licence to comment on your life.

Fast forward many years and the morning of my brother's wedding when DH and I met SIL's family for the first time - they were loud, young, popular and RUDE. They made no secret that they found DH's "posh" accent hilarious, imitating him to one another within our hearing, and taking the piss out of him offering to make tea (should have been beer apparently ). I didn't give a toss about SIL's family and was just cross on DH's behalf that people could be so rude. Didn't occur to me to judge DH in any way based on someone else's opinion as I loved him for who he was. and by the time we had fallen in love I would have felt the same no matter who was doing the sneering. it's the early days that can be hard.

Slightly different to your situation in that your family may be people you care about - or whose opinions you think you should care about - but from what you say you sound different to them and much more in tune with your DP - who sounds lovely btw. Please have the strength to ignore anything they might say about him, if you like him that's all that matters.

fattiemumma · 06/04/2009 20:17

I had a very similar situation when i first started seeing Dp.
im 6'1 and he is 5'7.

i worried what people would think, that people would also think i was with him because i couldn't find anyon else.

but i love him so much i no longer care what people think.
in fact we now laugh between us when people give us a double take.

give it a go and see where it takes yuo.

singalongamumum · 06/04/2009 20:28

You are not being a bitch, but I think you need to try to be wiser.

If he really does suit you so well, it sounds to me that what you're really worried about is that your family might find out who YOU really are. And maybe won't love you so much?

If that is the case then I think now is the perfect time to introduce everyone, and make a stand for yourself and what you believe. Of course it will feel horrible if they gossip/ criticise. If I were you, I would write down a list of all the things you think they might say and then when they say them rather than be shocked/ upset you can just think 'I knew you'd say that.' It'll take a while, but I bet they come round to your DP/ the new you and maybe will even appreciate having different types of people around.

How are you ever going to be happy if you are too scared to admit who you really are?

noddyholder · 06/04/2009 20:32

You could miss out on someone amazing for such a silly reason.My dp is nothing like my exes they were all v trendy/fashion mag style long haired pretty boys then i met dp older rocker bald tattoos We are perfect together and thats all that matteres!

salome64 · 06/04/2009 20:40

You are not ready for a grown up relationship.Let him go so he can find someone who appreciates his qualities. Then think long and hard about the internal scripts you have that make you feel this way.

Not being horrid, lovely girl, just know at your age its hard to escape these voices. You might well continue to date loud types and maybe even have relationship with one. You are certainly not ready for a relationship that demands an element of self awareness and maturity - whatever your potential bf's attributes.

Play the field! You will get there, just not quite now, so don't mess a decent man around while you figure out what matters to you in life.

There is no rush! Just don't make being shallow and mean to someone part of your story.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 06/04/2009 21:13

No experience. I think if my friends and family were the sort of people who would disapprove of a BF 'cos of looks then the friends would be dumped and the family would have a harsh talking to. You seriously need to rethink your friends. You were the subject of gossip for a year? Then they're seriously shallow and lacking in a life of their own.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 06/04/2009 21:13

ABetaDad · 06/04/2009 21:34

NewName - at first I did not really undertand your post at all. I could not see a problem with the nice man you met or why you were worried about your cousins. As the saying goes "what's not to like".

I'm just wondering whether the problem here is that you have met someone from outside the normal social circle you and your extended family normally mix in?

It is not about how your new man's looks, or him being geeky or really anything to do with him. He sounds like a nice man and it seems you are obviously quite taken with him and he with you and that is nice. He is different from the sort of man you normally meet and that is often a very attractive thing.

OK, I am taking a wild guess but the problem I sense you are really worried about is whether your man will be seen as the 'right sort' by your family because he is not the sort of man who would normally be part of the social circle.

Let me be a little blunter - you mention rugby playing types. Is the rugby club part of the normal social circle and your new man is from outside that?

Like it or not the social circle of our families does affect our choices of partner. I live in a place where there are certain social circles and people tend to marry within them. I understand why that happens.

I am tempted, as many others have, to say just forget what your friends and cousins think. However, I can see that breaking out of a social circle is not that easy. Be brave though. Go with your heart and maybe try introducing him in a very informal way to on or two of your family at a time rather than a big introduction at say an important family gathering.

captainpeacock · 06/04/2009 22:14

I do understand this, I felt the same way about dh (now been together over 17 years). I was particulary concerned over what my father was going to say as he is a very controlling man and I didn't think that dh would live up to his standards, not that he is so wonderful but he could make you feel really shitty if he felt the need. I did have a few months of indecision, but by the end of 6 month I knew that I loved him and that it didn't matter what anybody else said. He isn't perfect, but then neither am I. Sometimes the same things that I was worried about at the beginning (annoying things, not any violence or anything like that) still annoy the hell out of me, but like I say I'm not perfect either. Probably helps because we moved over an hour away from family so, although I know that some of the them still aren't too keen we don't see them often enough for me to care and he is a good and loving husband who I wouldn't be without. What I am saying is go with what you want to do and put other people's opinions behind you.

ItsMargotBeauregarde · 06/04/2009 22:16

It's all how your broke it. Tell your friends and family "I'm so lucky to have found this guy, he really gets me, we really have fun together, he's a really nice guy".

Say it like you mean it and nobody will think you're settling.

aseriouslyblondemoment · 06/04/2009 22:36

oh dear!
{asbm shaking head here in disbelief}

newgirl · 06/04/2009 22:41

i think you all being a bit harsh on the op

i think this is a wake up call to work out what you want in life, and whether you are brave enough to make your own choices, regardless of other people's opinions. If they can see you love him they should respect your wishes, without jokes. they dont sound very caring people to be honest.

BEAUTlFUL · 07/04/2009 02:16

Give me a geek over a rugby-type anyday. Phwoargh. (Really!)

Just have fun with him and be the one who's in his corner, loving him for who he is. You'll have the last laugh. The geeks shall inherit the earth.

Just think, 20 years ago, Bill Gates' wife might have written your post...

JodieO · 07/04/2009 02:24

Newname you say you're in your 30's? You still go by what your "friend" and so called and family think? Is this the school playground? Honestly? Are you your own person or not? Grow up and wake up. You get one life, live it. Don't waste it wondering if other people agree with you or not.

You realise you can tell people to shut up if they ask questions you don;t like? Or even... walk out? If anyone insulted my partner i'd be doing just that, because I love him.

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