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Original poster

Still in love over a year on please help (long story sorry)

26 replies

brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 19:42

Split with my boyfriend over a year ago his choice,as he said I was making him jealous as he didnt like other men looking at me,and various other things (I think now that this wasnt the true story)

We bumped into each other 3 years ago not long after him & his wife had split (him & I had been childhood sweethearts)so we spent 2 years together we where best friends aswell as lovers during this time.

So when we split up I was heartbroken then 3 months after we split he text me and he told me that he had got back with his wife, and then we started texting on a regular basis just everyday things & then we used to chat on the phone,(I knew this was wrong but I still in love with him)then we met up talked all night as usual & ended up sleeping together after that I decided that we should stop all contact all together as wasnt fair on his wife & family & also not fair on me ( I was heartbroken again).

Fast forward 5 months we bumped into each one evening at a opening just had a chat fine no problem there, then following week on a night out we bumped in to each other again & ended up chatting & he started to say that he missed me (must point out that he never talks about how he feels) & that he realises now that I did love him & that I am the most smilest person ever. And we ended up snogging.

Two weeks later in a different part of the country we ended up bumping into each other in this club and we got talking & he said that he has been wanting to ring me up & ask me to meet him somewhere not for sex but because he just wants to look at me as he thinks I am gorgeous & because I always look so happy & that he miss us talking, then we end up in a deep talk about how he felt about me that he still loves me ( this is a bloke that has only told me twice in 2 years that he loves me) & that he misses me very much & lots of other things but yes & I am not proud we ended up spending the whole weekend together with our various friends having a laugh, talking etc.

We left it with me saying that I would ring him. But most of the way home with my best friend I was crying as I love this man more than anything & I know its wrong but how do I get over him someone please help me as I am so sad my heart is breaking again.

I just dont know how to get over him & out my head. Somebody please help me

Sorry its so long

Please help me as at this mom

OP posts:
Portoeufino · 05/04/2009 19:54

Sorry - but I would say AVOID, AVOID, AVOID. He had plenty of opportunity to make you happy and tell you that he loved you. This is what NICE guys do. Instead he dumped you because he was jealous.

Pheebe · 05/04/2009 19:58

Don't be the other woman, don't be the mug who falls for the lines, have some respect for yourself and walk away.

He's saying all these nice things to you because he want s your attention and he wants to sleep with you. NO OTHER REASON. He WON'T leave his wife for you and he DOES NOT love you. IF he did, he would leave you alone to build a real life of your own, not be an add on to someone else's life.

hobbgoblin · 05/04/2009 20:01

Keep telling yourself he is a wanker who cheats on the precious people in his life, walks in and out of yours, is quite happy to leave youy heartbroken whilst taking what's on offer from you when needed and also shows a controlling and jealous streak. That do?

Sorry you feel sad but tell yourself the truth abou this.

HolyGuacamole · 05/04/2009 20:01

First and foremost, I would not arrange to meet him or be in any way involved with him (including phonecalls or texts) whilst he's still is with his wife. No way. Don't let him bounce between the two of you. If you do, you will soon be the other woman and you should want so much more than that, especially since he has done this before. He is messing around behind his wife's back and not for the first time either.

Words are easy, actions aren't.

I don't know if he is worth a second chance. He is only one man and there are millions of really good ones out there.

TBH if I were you, I'd tell him to piss right off and find another sucker. What are your friends saying about it?

Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 20:02

So how do I start to get over him as I have been trying for the past year and I just cant seem to move on, I have now been crying for 5 hours I am so sad. As I wondered if he was just saying those things to me but why play on someones feelings as we have always been so honest with each other in the past why do this now

OP posts:
BrokenFlipFlop · 05/04/2009 20:05

Not sure if this is going to sound harsh or not but my initial thoughts are that you are almost asking to be hurt by allowing him to have his cake and eat it (and almost encouraging the behaviour) by continuing contact.

The first time you slept together (when he was back with his wife), you were both still in regular contact ... never a good idea (although I accpet its often difficult to break all ties).

Then you meet/bump in to him in the club and he says you are the most 'smiliest person ever' and you end up kissing. Well tbh if all he has to do is to say that to get a reaction then I'm not surprised that he keeps coming back for more?.

Then he says he wants to call you to meet up, not for sex (?), no but because he wants to 'look at you'. Please??! The guy is a waste of space and is stringing you along and it seems you are happy to accept his behaviour.

He is also married fgs - what about his wife?? He can't be that great if he's prepared to do this to her surely?

Whilst you allow him to do this you will continue to feel crap.

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but its hard to feel enormous sympathy when you can stop this happening.

Cut him lose.

Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 20:07

Only my best friend knows & he has told her that he loves me very much

To everyone else I am a happy cheerful person but this last year I have been asked out by nice fellas and I cant move on as I compare everyone to him, and I know its wrong and I just dont what to do as I wake up everyday thinking about him and go to bed thinking of him

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 05/04/2009 20:09

Ask yourself this: What is it about you that would make you cry over someone for 5 hours when that person isn't anywhere close to perfect. He is a cheat.

I do not say this meanly at all because I still cry over a drunken twonk who has broken my heart and haven't a clue how to make myself value my dear self more than to waste my time on him. I just have to listen when my friends tell me he is a twat and I am lovely .

So, I'm your mate and I'm telling you - he's a twat and you're LOVELY!

Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 20:11

Broken Flipflop

Firstly it wasnt that what made me kiss him or have sex with him.

I dont want sympathy all I want is advice from people that dont know me

OP posts:
Pheebe · 05/04/2009 20:13

You know what, it sounds to me like you're infatuated with him and that is very far from being in love. He's a nice memory of a comfortable relationship you want back but you know what...its never going to happen.

You have a choice to make - accept that he's a cheating slime ball and get on with your own life OR accept the fact that you're going to be his bit on the side, sloppy seconds to a wife he clearly has not respect for either. So so sorry to be harsh but you need to get those rose tinted spectacles off quick sharp if you're going to get past this. You need to stop wallowing in self pity and start dating again. By all means compare these new fellas to him. I can almost guarantee without the rosy gogs on he won't measure up!

O and OF COURSE he's told you're best friend he loves you fgs what else is he going to say. He's using her to try and keep you where he wants you. TBH if she was any kind of friend she would be telling you all this.

Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 20:14

Thanks hobbgoblin that has made me smile, yes you are right I am lovely I think at this moment in time I just have a very low self esteem as it has just happen plus the fact that i am very tired

OP posts:
BrokenFlipFlop · 05/04/2009 20:17

brokenheartgirl,

The point is it wasn't his charm and perfect personality that 'made' you have sex with him either.

I apologise if I sounded harsh - your post made me cross because the guy sounds like a prat and a waste of time.

I appreciate its hard to move on (we've all been there after all) but you could be with someone else who DOES appreciate you, treat you with respect and love you. You've been asked out by other guys but you won't be able to move on unless you break contact.

Just don't want you to look bk in a year and wonder why you wasted so much time with your life (love life) on hold.

Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 20:18

Well while on here I have deleted his number and blocked it so I cant even recieve calls or text messages from him as I know myself I need to more forwards

OP posts:
BrokenFlipFlop · 05/04/2009 20:21

Thats a really good start ie deleting his number.

You are better than this and deserve better than HIM. There are lovely, genuine guys out there and when you're ready you'll find one.

Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 20:23

And you are right broken flipflob as that is what I am doing, I said to my friend to day I dont want to be like this in 10 years time.

the problem though is yes i dont get ask out bbut they are all young men in their 20's and I am mid 30's.

I also wonder if he is playing mind games with me

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 05/04/2009 20:23

Everything that Pheebe said I second I'm afraid.

The big important thing to remember is that you are HIS sloppy seconds but that does not mean you are not some other more wonderful man's princess.

I have low self esteem. Knowing it is one thing, changing it another. It is this that makes me feel sad and humiliated by rejection from a man who does not actually deserve me. I feel the pain personally and publically, knowing he and his friends will discuss our relationship as though it were nothing cuts to the core. Being seen in our village on my own, not with him anymore makes me feel publically rejected and humiliated despite the fact that numerous people have confided in me that they find my exdp arrogant and misogynistic.

You may not feel these things but I mention them to illustrate what tricks our minds can play when we don't truly value ourselves.

Somewhere you will know that you deserve and will find a better man. Try and find that thought and hold onto it when you feel the need to feel the 'love' again from this man. Imagine yourself being able to replace it for something more genuine and desirable in the future and do not let waiting for that to happen con you into thinking it won't happen and you don't deserve it.

Do you think that part of the reason your 'dates' have not measured up is because they do not offer the instant adoration you were able to receive (albeit intermittently) from the original man?

Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 20:34

I dont think so I just compare every thing about other blokes to this just one person. Plus I feel guilty if I even get close to someone.

When I put a stop to it last time I was very upset & my friend was worried about me so she rang him as I also had wrote him a letter and he said no that he didnt want to read it and that he wants me to move on and be happy. So why do all this again?

OP posts:
BrokenFlipFlop · 05/04/2009 20:48

It probably wasn't the best move for your friend to call him or for you to write to him.

He's doing it again because ... he can. As previously said, unless you break off all contact he will continue to do it.

He does it because he's maybe going through a rough patch with his wife and so chooses to contact you knowing you'll be there. Ultimately it just makes his already inflated ego even bigger I guess

Try and stay strong

Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 20:54

Will do, I think I will go to bed and sleep on it and keep doing things in a moment of weakness if I feel the need to talk to him etc

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 20:58

Also when we had bumped in to each other some guy smiled at me well he went and said something to this guy, why do that I am single fgs, plus the fact is he is the married on.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 05/04/2009 21:00

God, don't con yourself that this posessiveness is the same as caring about you, purrrlease!

Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 21:11

On no I wasnt I was just thinking of his faults and he was like this when we where together...

OP posts:
solidgoldshaggingbunnies · 05/04/2009 21:20

He's a very nasty piece of work by the sound of it. He doesn't love you, he is messing with you and enjoying it. When you were a coule he was unhealthily jealous and possessive, now he is married to someone else (and probably treating her to the same sort of insane jealousy BTW even though he is screwing around) he wants to make sure that he can still provoke reactions in you and make you cry and yearn for him (oh, and he's not averse to getting a free shag or two). He wants you dangling on a string indefinitely because he doesn't. actually, think you are a person at all. You're something to feed his already huge ego with.
You can do far better than him.

Original poster
brokenheartgirl · 05/04/2009 21:26

That sounds about right solidgold I just hope tomorrow,next week, next month or whenever I have the urge to speak to him I remember all those things as I know deep down that its all true, and that he is just messing with me for his own pleasure as he doesnt really want me he just doesnt want anyone to have me or me to want anyone else. While he can go home and happily shag his wife.

I cant get my head round the fact is how he can go home to his family after being with me all weekend and be all happy :-)

OP posts:
BrokenFlipFlop · 05/04/2009 21:41

Um... can I just add that whenever you have the urge to speak to him, you won't because you don't have his numbers anymore!.

He goes home 'happy' because he has had his cake and eaten it. He has you dangling exaclty where he wants you, ready for the next time and he has his wife in a similar posiiton ie deluded. That my dear is why he has a smile on his face. Think about it...