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Original poster

Does your DH say romantic things to you? Mine doesn't!

54 replies

BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 14:55

He was like this when we met so I know I shouldn't complain now... But DH never says romantic/mushy/affectionate stuff to me. It hit me last night because we had some friends over and the bloke said quite a few sweet things to, or about, his DW and they've been together 17 years. DH said nothing thrilling whatsoever beyond the friendly "That meal was nice" stuff.

DH does quite sweet stuff on Valentine's and my birthday, but words? Forget it.

Have spoken to him about this and his reply was, "I'm a man!" But I think, I'm a woman and I need some mushiness from him.

This is further compounded by the fact that we haven't shagged for ages, so my confidence is low anyway.

I want keen texts every so often. I want him to make me feel that he fancies me, instead of our being like flatmates. I want him go say keen things about me when we're with other people. I need these things because without them, I'm left insecure. Maybe he is doing it on purpose to keep me on my toes? Or is he just not in love with me??

What can I do? I can't talk to him about this again without looking impossibly needy, and I've had enough of being the one who says things first. I think he needs a kick up the arse, tbh. Any ideas?

Fark - forgot to namechange. Oh well!

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/04/2009 20:05

No, it just means he's a man who finds it difficult to talk about his feelings.

Mumcentreplus · 05/04/2009 20:47

BEAU you think too much!...facts are he obviously loves you and wants to be with you ...but you want more affection ..so give him some and see what happens

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 05/04/2009 21:07

LOL! I do think too much! But ugh.

Why are maddeningly reticent people so incredibly attractive? It makes no evolutionary sense!

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Mumcentreplus · 05/04/2009 21:39

hahaha...thats the way it is...but he loves you thats for sure..and you love him loads too...show him...if thats what you want to do...

FeelingOld · 05/04/2009 22:38

No Beautiful I dont have to tell DP to say those things he has been like it since the day I met him. Last night we were out at a party (friends of his not mine so didnt really know loads of people) and he introduced me to a couple of people he works with who i had not met before and he introduced me as the 'love of his life'. He is also very tactile and like to hold my hand or just touch my arm or my bum now and then or give me a little peck and tell me he loves me.

Must say though in my opinion its not that common for men to be so outwardly open and say these things.
I think we all like to get little compliments or at least have it noticed when we have had hair done etc.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 06/04/2009 08:28
Envy
OP posts:
Buda · 06/04/2009 08:41

My DH is exactly the same. Never says anything nice or mushy or romantic. We once had a huge row one night and he left me a note in the morning saying 'I love you' and he went to Africa on a trip and they weren't allowed take phones and just before he left he texted ' I luv you' - I have kept both of them and wave them at him occasionally!

I know he loves me - he just can't say it. Any physcial affection is started by me. We don't have sex - he is impotent. But even with all this I still know he loves me and puts me first. Weird!

Oh - I used to get so BORED with boyfriends that were romantic and mushy!

Buda · 06/04/2009 08:42

Sorry - meant to post more! What is his background like? DS was an only child and his mum died when he was 11 so from then on it was only him and his Dad. He didn't see romance etc so I think that has affected him.

AnyFuckerStealsHerKidsEggs · 06/04/2009 10:26

I don't actually like mushy stuff.

I think I am the female equivalent of your DH, Beautiful.

Occasionally, my DP will say something and I actually cringe and change the subject.

We tend to show our affection in the bedroom and that is fine by me, but if that is not really happening either for you, perhaps you should talk to him and find out if anything is bothering him at the moment.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 06/04/2009 11:22

Buda - me too! I got bored with the mushy BFs, but this is all becoming a bit barren.

AF - how can I bring the subject up without sounding needy? To be honest, it's not the first time that we've stopped having sex for a while, but he never talked about it. I was always the one to bring it up. I'm reluctant to do that again as I feel it makes me look just so much more invested than he is, somehow, if you know what I mean...

OP posts:
AnyFuckerStealsHerKidsEggs · 06/04/2009 11:48

how is it needy to bring up a lack of sex and how it makes you feel unloved? Is he the kind of man who thinks women don't need and enjoy sex like men do?

do you always wait for him to initiate? If so, why don't you make the first move occasionally, I assume he would not push you off?

is he busy at work? kids playing you both up? worries about money? etc etc

ask him if you are having sex less because of practical worries so is he just not in the mood as often? It doesn't have to be heavy such as "you don't love me any mooooore ...."

you have to get over your misplaced shyness, he is your husband, you should be able to talk openly about stuff

sincitylover · 06/04/2009 19:24

would he respond well to raunchy texts eg 'come home and me now'. Of course that's not romantic but might kick start your love life again which might lead to more closeness. Maybe he will feel more inclined towards loving words gestures if you are close physically rather than the other way round IYSWIM

Should add however though when my own marriage was rather like this it just didn't occur to me to do it, am not sure how exh would have responded (he was a bit er squeamish about sex and we stopped doing it much to my horror).

But have learnt since that textual foreplay if you like works on some men!!

bitsnbobs · 06/04/2009 20:47

Beautiful, was just wondering if you are still doing the Fascinating Womanhood book as you said your hubby responded well to this before.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 06/04/2009 21:32

Hi Bits, no I stopped FW. You all put me off! It was better and I've been thinking of taking parts of it up again, in particular the "not moping round being selfish and depressed all day but doing things for the family and washing hair etc" bits.

This might be what's gone wrong, tbh. I've got fed up and am NOT being a fun, desirable wife. I'm being a drag.

Was plaing new approach earlier: I'm just going to act vvv happy and positive. Make lots of fun plans, be happy and smiley. "Hi DH! Lovely to see you! Would you like to take me up the shitter tonight? "-type thing.

With everyone else I am SO HAPPY and SUCH GOO FUN. With DH, I'm that sa mopey girl. I hate this. I know it's not an uncommon relationship dynamic, but I hate that I fell into it. It's such a waste of life.

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Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 06/04/2009 21:35

sincitylover -- eeek, nooo I can't do that. It's not me. I wouldn't even do that with someone I felt hugely confident around!

What happened with your marriage then? (As long as it's not a story I'm going to feel is a prophesy for mine...) How long did it stay like this before it ended? Sorry to hear it finished.

OP posts:
bitsnbobs · 06/04/2009 21:45

Try the FW again, I am having a go with it and so far Dp is responding really well (got tea in bed this morning ).

AnyFuckerStealsHerKidsEggs · 06/04/2009 22:01

you don't feel confident around your dh ?

why is that ?

sincitylover · 06/04/2009 22:07

no B not really the same lots of other probs as well. He was not a romantic person and after DS1 sex life dwindled and after DS2 more or less ceased.

I didn't think I could do things like raunchy texts but would go so far as to say that it really enhanced the sex and intimacy I shared with an exbf who I hooked up with after splitting with exh.

Mumcentreplus · 06/04/2009 22:10

Beau they don't even have to be raunchy! just heartfelt is ok ..lol..I personally love to show and say how i feel I'm not particularly mushy I can't stand chicks flicks they get right on my nerves...but I like holding hands..and texting the odd i love you or having the odd smooch in the kitchen.. because that's how I truly feel...

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 07/04/2009 02:05

Ooooh, BnB that's really interesting about the FW. Which bits do you like? When did you start? How did you hear about it, it's a bit obscure?

Have you thrown yourself into it 100%? Would LOVE to talk more about it -- I've never met anyone else who's even heard of it (except all those who threw scorn on the now-Classic Stepford thread ).

I might take it up again... Things were just so much sweeter around here when I did it before. Without it, I do think I go a bit moany.

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Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 07/04/2009 02:07

AF, I just think he's really, really fabulous. So funny and clever and good-looking. Stupidly, I'm a bit in awe of him, even after 7 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 07/04/2009 02:10

I was out tonight on a work thing, and he left me a sweet message on the table. He rang me at work today for no reason. I have a cold, and he did all the baths & bedtime & cooke his own tea so I could curl up and watch America's Next Top Model on TV.

Maybe it's not as bleak as I made it out to be. I do tend to go vv morose and see everything as TOTAL SHITE and want to dramatically ditch it all... Then 5 minutes later feel totally different. It's a bit tiring.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerStealsHerKidsEggs · 07/04/2009 09:29

so funny, so clever, so fabulous, so...neglectful of his wife ?

it doesn't sound like he is from your last message but there does seem an undercurrent that you are often a bit unhappy and he doesn't seem to notice

talk to him about it, he will probably reassure you that he thinks you are fabulous too and there is a perfectly mundane reason for the sex cooling down

mayorquimby · 07/04/2009 11:26

"but there does seem an undercurrent that you are often a bit unhappy and he doesn't seem to notice"

i took that from this thread too. but from his POV (not trying to attack the OP, just trying to be as rounded a discussion as possible), when you do live with someone who is by their own admission happy around others but mopey around you there can be problems noticing when it is a real problem as compared to when they are just being a bit grumpy. not to sound flippant but it's the equivelant of living with jack dee, if mopey/grumpy has become the default setting then how do you know when the other person is really upset?
add to that some partners could easily become resentful because they may feel they are trying to make an effort, especially if being romantic is not in their nature, but the other still thinks everything is below par or not good enough.so for example his treat last night of looking after everything, let's say he has tried something like this numerous times in the past (not everyday but lets say once every week or two), and thinks it's a good way of showing his partner he loves her without having to do the mushy romantic part which may very well make him uncomfortable. the partner is happy at the time but then 3 days later is looking back saying " i know he does practical things to show he loves me but i want to hear it out of his mouth/snuggle up and be mushy" (i'm not saying this is what happens with the op, i'm just speculating as to how it can affect the other partner and allow resentment to grow)
so to the op i'd imagine a re-assuring talk with your dh woud be the best course of action.

Original poster
BEAUTlFUL · 07/04/2009 12:22

That's a vv good post.

I do seem to get a bit restless. like I want something more, but don't really know what.

I honestly think I should write romantic novels to get all these nameless yearnings out of my system. Really. DH could be inside, showing his love for me by loading the dishwasher or showering, while I'm in the garden writing:

"Dennis pulled Hazel against his steaming chest, and squeezed her bum cheeks like he was a drowning man and she was a (rather over-inflated) lifebelt. 'I love you,' he growled. 'I've loved you since the first time I saw you on my allotment, eyeing up my beans. Say you'll be my partner on the trainspotting trip this weekend, and forever...'"

etc

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