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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New partner scared me today, am i over-reacting?

27 replies

WorriedConcerned · 04/04/2009 17:53

I split with my ex 6 years ago. He was bad tempered, violent and abusive so it took me those 6 years to truely feel like I could be in a relationship again.

I have now been seeing a man for the past month or so. He has always been very placid, calm and kind and this is one of things I like about him.

Today however he lost his temper and it really scared me

A car pulled out in front of us. It wasn't directly in front of us, DP could have easily avoided it if he'd just slowed down. However, instead of slowing down, he actually sped up towards the car, shouted "Look at that fucking idiot" and started hammering his horn at the driver.

I'm now worried that he could be showing early signs of having a violent temper. I know my view is probably warped from the past however so am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
Daffodingles2 · 04/04/2009 17:56

I'm not surprised you were scared.
I would be too and I haven't had an abusive relationship.
This would probably make me think again tbh.
It's just not worth the hassle for a month long relationship and you deserve more.

daftpunk · 04/04/2009 17:58

possibly over reacting, but way too early to tell...if everything has been going well so far, i'd forget about it....maybe he was just having a bad day.

Lawks · 04/04/2009 17:59

Have you talked to him about it?

If you calmly bring up how it made you feel, and listen to what he says, his reaction will tell you a lot.

He might appologise for worrying you, and admit he was being a bit of a tool.

2rebecca · 04/04/2009 18:23

None of my boyfriends/husbands have reacted like that whilst driving. I'd be wary of him, and reluctant to give him partner status until I've been with him long enough to know this was an aberration. Did you say anything after the journey? I would to the effect that I never wanted him behaving like that when I'm in the car again. There are plenty of pillocks on the road. They aren't worth getting worked up about.

frisbyrat · 04/04/2009 18:34

It's been my (reasonably wide) experience (don't have a car of my own and have cadged many a lift) that a man who drives like a twat is a twat. It's a really useful tool to weed out the idiots you don't want to keep in your life, actually.

BitOfFunnyBunny · 04/04/2009 18:38

Very good point well made by frisby...

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 04/04/2009 18:38

some people go loopy when they get behind the wheel but are otherwise quite normal.

however, go with your instinct. The last thing you need is to be tense, fearing another outburst. Next time you are in the car together, you are going to feel anxious, aren't you?

you have to talk to him. Tell him how you feel, and don't let him make you feel it's unreasonable! You are entitled to your feelings and they are 100% understandable, given your circumstances.

Like lawks says, if he blows up when you try to talk to him - you've got your answer, haven't you?

NotPlayingAnyMore · 04/04/2009 18:53

"However, instead of slowing down, he actually sped up towards the car, shouted "Look at that fucking idiot" and started hammering his horn at the driver."

Bloody hell! Sounds like the kind of guy who'd speed up for horses
Shouting, swearing and sounding his horn is one thing but I'm very concerned that he felt the need to jeopardise your safety as well.

I wouldn't get into a car with a driver like this ever again, let alone trust him with a DC in it.

Blessingsdragon · 04/04/2009 23:57

Must say I agreee with frisbyrat - driving is like drinking and can bring out a mans ''true'' personality -

thumbbunny · 05/04/2009 00:02

tricky - some of the most mild-mannered people I have known have been complete Jekyll& Hyde characters behind the wheel - definitely brings out the worst in some people and in some cases it probably wouldn't happen anywhere else except behind the wheel.

Still - it's a warning bell, isn't it - I wouldn't run for the hills just yet though, wait and see what he's like when he gets riled outside of the car.

DivamakesKimchi · 05/04/2009 00:06

i assume he does not drive like that all the time, so he probably over acted. yes i agree with frisby`s comment. but all men have aggression, and sometimes specially driving seems to bring ut

Wank · 05/04/2009 00:31

This would be a red flag for me, a warning sign - if you go out with him again maybe you should do the driving next time?

iSOLOvechocolate · 05/04/2009 00:40

A lot of men become aggressive behind the wheel. Most men lose their temper when someone cuts them up or speeds past them, it's cave man behaviour ~ competition on the roads. No it's not right, but I think it's quite common.

HolyGuacamole · 05/04/2009 00:47

Did you talk to him about the outburst?

I dunno. My DH is the most mild mannered, calm, diplomatic and unshakeable person ever, (his job 100% depends on him being that way).......till he gets in the car!

Mind you he doesn't go mental like the OPs man. He does grunt a lot generally gets irritated with other peoples driving, sometimes swearing. He would never speed up and peep the horn though. And he is a good driver, he doesn't speed or drive crazy. Other people do it and it annoys him though.

I did ask my DH not to shout the word 'cock' at other drivers though incase one of them lipreads through the windscreen and gets all angry. So yeah, talk to him and tell him he freaked you out and take it from there, gauge how he responds to you.

Jackbunnysmama · 05/04/2009 00:53

Sorry, but this is funny - HolyGuacamole's DH peeps the horn... LOL ...

OP, I'd have been scared, too - regardless of your previous experience. That's a dangerous thing to do, to you, himself and the other driver. I'm echoing everyone else's advice - tell him how he made you feel and don't allow him to dismiss your concerns. You needn't make any reference to your previous relationship (because he could then tell you that you are overreacting), rather, tell him you thought what he did was scary and dangerous. See what he says.
Good luck.

tigerdroveoverthebunnies · 05/04/2009 00:54

Does he drive with other people in the car much? Only ask as I have a terrible temper in the car, and sadly would probably have done just what he did, but am not badtempered normally. I wouldn't do it with other people in the car (although under severe provocation the other day, did get DS asking "did you do the finger sign then, Mum?" He might just not have realised that he was being a bit, er, silly.

Simplysally · 05/04/2009 01:09

This would scare me too although I am a bad passenger anyway. You need to talk to him and see what his reaction is.

Out of interest, does he criticise your driving (if you drive)?

kidowner · 05/04/2009 01:12

Trust your gut instincts. You were scared for a good reason. You have a very good reason to be wary.

Why not discuss it with him? If you're too scared to, why? I certainly would.

Ask 'Why did you drive like a twat?' and see if he transfers his anger to you. If he does, walk away!

Supercherry · 05/04/2009 09:27

It's a hard one isn't it? My ex who was violent and abusive was an absolute psycho behind the wheel too. I don't think it's a good sign to be honest. It's off putting at the least. He scared you. I know the feeling- it used to make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 05/04/2009 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ItsMargotBeauregarde · 05/04/2009 09:46

Listen to your gut instincts this time.

I agree with RIMOD.

I've been there. I didn't listen to the warnings. I thought I could 'handle it', 'handle him'. Reason with him. Change him.

I couldn't. I spent 8yrs of my life with a nasty man becuase I didn't pay heed to the obvious warning signs early on. I wish I'd had the confidence in myself to dump him early on.

If I ever, ever, ever see anybody again, it won't be a man with a tempter. I have that t-shirt and I'm not going back for more.

singyswife · 05/04/2009 09:53

Hi, I would like to add to this. My DH is the kindest, sweetest man but when someone pisses him off on the road he goes mental. Horn banging, swearing and yes even speeding up to the offender. I dont like it and tell him off for reacting like this but tbh it is the ONLY time he ever loses his temper. I would speak to your dp and see what his reacttion is, as other posters have said, his reaction should tell you a lot. He may just not be aware of how it makes you feel and may try to alter his behaviour or he may yell at you andd tell you that you are being silly in which case I would say goodbye. Good luck,.

TheHedgeWitch · 05/04/2009 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

hopefullandfree · 06/04/2009 18:18

My take is that its not about driving, its a lack of concern for a passenger and a willingness to put her at risk, ie, an accidant or a possible confrontation with an angry motorist.

I hate people who do this, they are nothing more than bullys who assume they can get away with intimidating other drivers .

Sounds like a bully to me.

belgo · 06/04/2009 18:22

agree with frisbe, and hopefulandfree, and Reality. It's not normal behaviour. You've only been with him a month, get rid of him and consider this a lucky escape.