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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how can I get DH to wash more often?

42 replies

MrsStinky · 31/03/2009 11:28

I have re-registered for this as frankly it is too embarassing to post in my normal name I am not a troll honestly!

The problem is that my (D)H seems to have forgotten that bathing / showering is important. He has stopped and despite subtle and then not so subtle suggestions and now even down right nags, he still has not washed He does use deoderant and despite the lack of soap, does not really smell, but he is seriously grubby now

I have tried explaining that it is completely unacceptable to me that he does not wash. He seems to think that he can use it as a bargaining point as he wants more sex. I have had sex with him since he stopped washing but not in recent weeks. I'm not feeling that well at the moment (am having blood tests to rule out a few things) and feel very unsupported at home.

He seems to think I am some kind of obsessive clean freak! I would be happy if he was bathing or showering once per week (obviously more than that would be fantastic, but I am being realistic here!). I don't think that is over the top at all, I suspect most would say it wouldn't be enough for them.

I know I could make it easy for him and run a bath for him etc but he is a grown man and can do this for himself. I have enough real children to be dealing with without having to treat him like one too. I am not willing to say I will definitely have sex if he bathes as the fact he will not do it unless bribed is a total turn-off for me. He should be washing for himself, not because I have bribed / nagged / bullied him into it.

How can I make him understand this?

OP posts:

kormachameleon · 31/03/2009 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Curiousmama · 31/03/2009 11:33

Ewwww how awful for you. Good luck as my exdh could and still does get a bit ripe. Luckily dp is clean as a whistle.

RubyrubyrubyRaven · 31/03/2009 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BonsoirAnna · 31/03/2009 11:34

Ban him from the house! How disgusting.

Hassled · 31/03/2009 11:34

You can tell him he's a twat who needs to grow up.

I really can't think of anything more constructive to say - has he got friends/family you could get on your side? Go for the mass public shaming approach?

RealityIsMyOnlyChocolateEgg · 31/03/2009 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Queenoftheharpies · 31/03/2009 11:38

We could all send him a message via

www.youreallysmell.com

Original poster

MrsStinky · 31/03/2009 11:42

No, I have never posted about him not washing before.

He has never really been that keen on bathing and showering, but used to at least once per week. Recently though it has go much, much worse.

We are a busy household and I had not realised how bad it had got. When I actually sat down last week and thought hard I realised the last time he showered. I was disgusted and told him so.

I am not sure I'm brave enough to go down the public shaming route. I feel fairly disgusted to even admit this anonymously on here. I have name changed and am attempting to disguise my normal posting style as I would be mortified if any of my real life friends knew. I makes me feel dirty to be honest (and I do shower regularly!).

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40bunnies · 31/03/2009 11:42

God how grim. I wouldn't be letting him share my bed, never mind having sex with him!

Seriously, what the hell is he thinking. What do his work collegues think?

onepieceofcremeegg · 31/03/2009 11:48

is he possibly depressed?

There has been a thread similar to this a while back, I guess that is why Reality asked if you had posted before.

ridingjoker · 31/03/2009 11:53

this was a sign of my exdp depression. but i dont think its same in your case. hewent from washing daily and sometimes twice a day... to not washing for weeks.

but seen as how your OH has always been reluctant to bathe i would just say he's a manky bugger.

think you have no option but to name and shame publically. or mention to a loud mouth relative who will do it for you.

and frankly i would be letting him in bed or having sex if he was a real grot bags.

Original poster

MrsStinky · 31/03/2009 12:03

I do not think his work colleagues have noticed particularly, if they have he has not told me that they have said anything. You would think that he would smell, but it was not him smelling that made me realise he had stopped washing. It was only when I thought back about what we had been doing I realised how long it had been. I confronted him and he agreed it had been that long.

I am not sure if he is depressed. It had not occurred to me before, although I do wonder if I am. He is very grumpy in the mornings and shouts a fair bit at the kids. I frequently end up crying as he has been nasty first thing. That is all me ?being in a bad mood? though There is also a bit of a drug issue, he smokes cannabis and I know that can be linked to depression. He has always smoked though and if I try and discuss that with him it always ends up at ?you knew I did that when we got together? and that it is not reasonable of me to expect him to stop.

This is making him sound very bad. He is in all other respects a responsible, funny, lovely person! He has an excellent job, quite high pressured, but well paid. He does not go out drinking etc he has no antisocial hobbies. He does charity work and is kind to animals and children (as long as it?s after 9am!)?..

OP posts:

RubyrubyrubyRaven · 31/03/2009 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solidgoldbrass · 31/03/2009 12:24

Well, he could be depressed. Or this could have turned into a rather nasty entrenched battle over sex ie he wants sex and is trying to bargain for it by offering to wash, and then refusing to wash because he's not getting sex: you want him to wash but don't want sex so you are in a weaker bargaining position (OK you could tell him that he will get a shag if he has a bath and then withdraw from your side of the bargain but that's only going to work once and isn't very ethical, really).
But it also sounds as though he doesn't have much consideration for you: he smokes dope and is verbally abusive as well as smelly. Again, this could be a symptom of depression, but I think it would be worth telling him that you;re not prepared to put up with any more of it - start off by being sympathetic and saying you can tell he isn;t happy, maybe he should see the doctor, and if he doesn;'t improve, then you need to get a bit firmer with him.
Best of luck. DS dad used to be an unhygienic bastard, but it was a bit of a pose with him (I'm so DRIVEN and HARDWORKING and SAVING THE WORLD, don;t nag me to wash myself...). I just used to take the piss out of him and on the occasions we were going to have a shag I would order him off to the bathroom first (we didn;t live together and still don't, we were drinking buddies and are now co-parents but not a couple).

lowenergylightbulb · 31/03/2009 12:37

He doesn't wash, he smokes weed and shouts at you in the mornings. And he wonders why he's not getting more sex?

He needs to grow up.

onepieceofcremeegg · 31/03/2009 13:34

To add to my earlier post, it is up to you whether you continue to put up with this behaviour. If you think he is depressed (or may be) whether or not that is related to his cannabis use, there needs to be some communication between you.

If he is not prepared to communicate about issues in the relationship (such as his hygiene) this (imo) is disrespectful and not on.

He needs to take some responsibility for his behaviour. If he chooses not to, then you have to take responsibility for how you respond to his refusal to do so. Have you considered Relate? Or talked to someone in rl who knows both of you and might give some impartial advice?

2rebecca · 31/03/2009 13:36

If my husband isn't doing much sport he sometimes neglects the showering a bit. I tend to be fairly blunt and say stuff like "you're getting a bit smelly, go and have a shower". He usually does as he's told as he knows I'm not a hygeine fanatic. usually he's pretty sporty though and then he showers plenty.

2rebecca · 31/03/2009 13:39

I wouldn't let anyone smoke cannabis in the house. I can't imagine having a long term relationship with a regular cannabis user though. I wouldn't want that sort of example to my kids, and I don't want to get involved in any sort of drug scandel if the police did decide to get interested.

NotPlayingAnyMore · 31/03/2009 13:51

His usual once a week shower isn't enough anyway. Why are you still with him? I'd be petitioning for divorce right now.

hmmSleep · 31/03/2009 13:52

How long are we talking exactly? 2 weeks, a month? Even I find it very odd and I'm far from a clean freak!

StarlightMcKenzie · 31/03/2009 13:59

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Message withdrawn

ABetaDad · 31/03/2009 13:59

MrsStinky - is it depression or is it really just laziness?

Depression can have that effect. Not caring or not being able to care for oneself can be a sign of low esteem and/or early stage mental illness.

Seems a bit complicated in your case but in our house we have a rule. Everyone showers once per day and cleans teeth twice and without fail. Its a good habit for our DS1 and DS2 to learn for later life.

It is basic good mannners in my view if you are living/working close to other people.

Apologies. Not being judgey - as I know there may be more issues going on here.

Original poster

MrsStinky · 31/03/2009 14:06

Rebecca, he used to do a lot of sport, so I suppose never really got into the habit of showering at home. Now for various reasons he is not training so isn't washing outside the home either.

Our only local mutual friends are having big marriage problems themselves and I am not going to ask them for help. I think I will try the really mature approach and give him one more chance before telling his Mum! MIL is lovely and I think I'll be able to talk to her about it.

For those of you saying you would not let your partner in the bed with you, or smoking in the house, how exactly do you stop them? I have tried talking and get nowhere - he is very stubborn and will not give an inch. I end up screeching at him in frustration. Then of course it is me being unreasonable I normally go to bed before him, so he sneaks in while I am asleep. I think maybe I need to start sleeping in the spare (top bunk - eek!) bed

As for the smoking, that is a whole other problem. I started to type it all out but it got so long I have deleted it. The main point is that the smoking as got worse again recently. Maybe that is a symptom of other issues as suggested above.

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Original poster

MrsStinky · 31/03/2009 14:13

hmmsleep - I have avoided saying how long it has been as I am afraid you will simply not believe me. I do not want to attract anyone's trolldar here - need MN support too much.

ABD before posting I had not considered depression. I think it is more likely to be a combination of laziness and being very busy. However it is partly down to poor prioritisation. He would much rather be on the PC (ether gaming or doing extra work from home) than spending time in the shower

OP posts:

onepieceofcremeegg · 31/03/2009 14:16

Showering takes 5-10 minutes maximum. If your dh has time to be gaming on the pc; smoking cannabis and participating in other recreational activities, he has time to shower.

We have a routine in our house. We both shower within 1 hour of getting up. (within minutes on work days).

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