dh, internet porn and meeting up to watch people shag

[osborne]

Dh has always been into watching a bit of porn. I dont' really mind this as most men do and at least we can be open about it.

i have discovered that he has a secret mail address and has dialogue with various women. Most of it is quite explicit. It has been going on for 5 years, before we had any dc. One girl in particular he seems to have got quite "friendly" with.

I have confronted him and he has said he did chat with people as he was curious. Then he had a bet with a few guys at work to see who could get the most addresses and dates from these women. This does check out.

About 3 years ago he actually went to one of these online people's house to watch porn videos of her and her husband. There was a suggestion taht they would do it in front of him too. He says he didnt' like it, felt uncomfortable and left. He has never met with anyone agan.

I don't know what I think about this. I am so annoyed he has lied all this time. There was lots of times i nearly discovered and he could have come clean. I can't imagine sex not having read what he would lilke when he wrote to someone else. And the meeting up really crosses a line i think. How stupid can he be. He is really attractive, highly educated and successful so its not as if he's desperate.

Don't watn to talk to rl friends as will make it difficult for us to be acouple amongst them if they know.

What would you think?

You sound like you're in shock. What he's done has crossed a line, and I can't imagine how you must feel.

I'm sure someone will have wiser words than mine for you, but I'd just give yourself a bit of time to process what you've found out.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I really feel for you.

I understand why you are freaked out right now, because it is a shock.

You have to decide if you love him enough to accept his fetishes. I wouldn't be overly enthralled, but I could put up with it for the sake of my marriage if I otherwise loved him enough (I think I could anyway, very hard to say unless you are in the situation).

As long as he isn't actually physically having sex with anyone else, I think I could live with it.

I think the fact he has managed to keep this secret for at least five years, throughout having children together and that it has escalated to going to a woman's house to 'watch videos' of her screwing her husband (I would be amazed if that hadn't resulted in the two of them having sex tbh), would completely unnerve me.

It's not about the 'fetish', is it? It's the lying and betrayal of it imo. I wouldn't be able to come back from that.

I completely agree. I would be bracing myself OP as I think it's highly unlikely you have the full story.

I hope for your sake OP there isn't more to it than this.
I would be having a frank discussion and want the whole truth before I could move forward though.
Do you still love him?

It's fairly likely that he didn't have sex with the woman whose house he visited (though not impossible). Quite a few people are into exhibitionism but still actually monogamous (in their own view) in that they do not have sexual contact with people other than their partners.
Situations like this often arise because people worry far too much about whether their sexual desires are 'normal' or not, and if a person decides that his/her particular turn-ons are unacceptable (even if they are things that plenty of people do, which do not involve unconsenting others or cause unwanted pain etc) they try to repress them, which of course makes the turn-ons become more of an obsession.
How you proceed from now on depends a lot on what the rest of your relationship is like: is your DH kind, considerate, good company, does he pull his wieght round the house? Do you love him?
If he is selfish and thinks he matters more than you then the future doesn't look bright, however, if things are good in other ways then you need to do some thinking and some talking.
I would say that his turn on is voyeurism, and there are things you could maybe do that will allow him to get this need met without shutting you out or betraying you but you need to think about whether you are prepared to do this kind of thing or whether it appals you. What I mean is: you can go, as a couple, to swingers' clubs and there is no obligation for either of you to have sex with anyone else: some couples do this because they find it a turn on to be in a sexy atmosphere but they go home together and only have sex with each other when they get home.

I once lived with a girl who gradually found out her DP had a fetish that involved him using escort services to act out fantasies where he was degraded, insulted and did the cleaning while having his cock spanked. He couldn't come without her telling him he wasn't satisfying her and how pathetic he was.

They split up eventually - not because of his fetish (she wholeheartedly indulged it and quite enjoyed it I think), but because part of the enjoyment for him came from the seedy and secretive aspects of it whereby he maintained a very respectable, budding young professional type of exterior.

That's the bit that would worry me.

PC: yes that happens in some cases, when deception is a key part of the thrill, but not in every case. Sometimes people with a fetish or preference are delighted and releived when a partner not only finds out but is happy to participate, and the relationship becomes very strong.

He has crossed the line, and I'm sure he knows it. If I was you I maybe draw a line from now and see how you can move forward. Why does he seclude you from this? It may be healthy to share these things together. Would getting involved in anyway completely be out of the question for you?

"to watch porn videos of her and her husband."

yeah right

X posts with solidgold

Glad you don't all think i'm being a prude!

I have no desire whatsoever to do this sort of thing, so that's a no go area.

Other than this, he is a great husband and dad. The thought of us splitting up has made me realise how much I do love him. I feel sorry for him really.

I do believe what he has told me I think. I got into the email account and changed to password so I could go through everything. There do seem to be huge gaps between speaking with people, months at a time.

I just don't know how to move forward from this. Sex with him hasn't been great for ages as he is very "gropey" and I think that's because of this. Its made him much more crude.

Osborne, have you tried talking to him about what your turn ons and sexual preferences are? Sometimes, when one partner has a specific fetish or preference, that the other partner is a sexual being with sexual tastes as well becomes forgotten.
Only you and he can work out exactly where the boundaries should be in your relationship: some peope are very absolutist on monogamy and that's up to them, but it isn;t compulsory to insist that your partner never looks at or speaks to another attractive person ever again. If you love each other and want to make things work out, there should be a way of agreeing a compromise that suits you both (FWIW just insisting that he just stop having or thiking about sex is not going to work.)

SGB - once again, your posts are spot on.

One thing is what he lets fuel his sexual imagination - and lets face it, our fantasies are private. It is quite another to bring your fantasies into real life. Which he has done, on one occasion, possibly chickened out and come home.

Maybe he just really is turned on by the idea of watching other people shag. Maybe he feels that he cannot includ you in this fantasy. Can he? Would you be appaled, or would you find it quite a turn on too?

He says he isn't turned on by it anymore and realised it wasn't for him. I don't want to watch people shag.

We don't have sex often now (3 dc under 4) but when this started we were having lots and I thought it was quite good.

I don't mind him looking and i know he's going to whether I like it or not. However meeting up is absolutely not on and although it was years ago, I'm not sure I trust him not to do it again. We are in out thirties so there's a long time ahead.

Well if he hasn't done it for years then it's probably not that great a compulsion to him. And it may well be true that having done it the once, the reality (of watching an ordinary couple shag in an ordinary house, not some glamorous spectacular of perfect bodies) wasn't exciting and he doesn;t want to do it again.
If you can accept him watching porn as a way of enjoying his particular fantasy then that may well keep both of you happy indefinitely - for some people, while their fantasies are very important to them, acting the fantasies out doesn;t actually work.

Osborne, I feel quite sorry for your husband, and IMO he sounds pretty sexy actually. He has a normal interest in watching people have sex. FFS! There's a whole, massive industry built on the back of the fact that its a completely normal thing to like doing. He's not disgusting, or weird nor is it a 'fetish' - its sexy. We're not talking dressing up as a baby,or woman,or gimp mask, which is normal to alot of people but a little more 'niche' and could be described as a fetish.

"I have no desire whatsoever to do this sort of thing, so that's a no go area" what sort of thing? I'm sure he wouldn't expect you to go to a swingers party but you could try a porn movie or magazine together, have you ever watched/read one? Have an open mind, he's your husband, you love him, do you not want him to share these feelings with you. Is he resolved to a life of having these (perfectly normal IMO) feelings pushed aside because he is made to feel like he is wierd or dirty. Poor guy. You say you don't have sex that often any more, make an effort to be sexy and open minded and I bet that will all change, you can't blame the fact that having kids stops you from having sex - they are tucked up in bed for around 10 hours a night aren't they?