dh, internet porn and meeting up to watch people shag

[osborne]

Dh has always been into watching a bit of porn. I dont' really mind this as most men do and at least we can be open about it.

i have discovered that he has a secret mail address and has dialogue with various women. Most of it is quite explicit. It has been going on for 5 years, before we had any dc. One girl in particular he seems to have got quite "friendly" with.

I have confronted him and he has said he did chat with people as he was curious. Then he had a bet with a few guys at work to see who could get the most addresses and dates from these women. This does check out.

About 3 years ago he actually went to one of these online people's house to watch porn videos of her and her husband. There was a suggestion taht they would do it in front of him too. He says he didnt' like it, felt uncomfortable and left. He has never met with anyone agan.

I don't know what I think about this. I am so annoyed he has lied all this time. There was lots of times i nearly discovered and he could have come clean. I can't imagine sex not having read what he would lilke when he wrote to someone else. And the meeting up really crosses a line i think. How stupid can he be. He is really attractive, highly educated and successful so its not as if he's desperate.

Don't watn to talk to rl friends as will make it difficult for us to be acouple amongst them if they know.

What would you think?

I'm with you Reality baaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!
And as always SGB I honestly dont get you at all!

'you can't blame the fact that having kids stops you from having sex - they are tucked up in bed for around 10 hours a night aren't they? '

Maybe - but running round after 3 under 4s all day will be pretty knackering and not exactly conducive to hot sex.

Reality: I am not saying that the OP should just 'put out' and that would fix the problem (it won't and never does) - I am saying that if the relationship is otherwise good she and her DH should try to arrive at a compromise that suits them both. Whatever other people think about group sex, swinging or any kind of fetishes is not that important when it comes to sorting out how a particular couple want to conduct their relationship.
I do not advocate in any way that people (male or female) should feel they have to allow a partner sex when they have no desire for it, however I don't think it's acceptable to refuse sex indefinitely with an otherwise loveable and decent partner (ie not in an abuse situation) while refusing to engage in any discussion about how to address the other partner's needs: the right of one partner to avoid sex is not more important than the other partner's right to have sexual feelings: both partners' feelings matter.

sgb, I think reality's comments were directed at "abitofabottler", not you

thanks bitofabottler. thats an interesting viewpoint

Bitofabottler.....somehow, your post makes a bit of sense!

tis always the wife's fault

she is not thin enough/pert enough/available enough

i would not desribe a serial deceiver who puts his sexual needs above the longevity of his marriage 'sexy'

he should be ensuring his wife is not run so ragged from looking after 3 DCs under 4 , that she actually has the energy for sex and feels loved and appreciated and desired rathr than a worhtless woman good enough to give him children but not good enough to make an effort for

I also find your response a bit abitofabottler. You seem to be implying that the OP is at fault and that if she made more effort to be sexy, things would be ok. Actually, whilst the OP said that they don't have much sex nowadays, what with 3 dc under 4, this has been going on for 5 years, ie: before DC and he met up with the couple 3 years ago when the at least one of the DC could only have been a baby. She has also not said she has a problem with him watching porn. Her problem appears to be with the fact that he has done all this secretly, ie: not in the 'open' way you think she should adopt!
Just as he may want to watch others having sex, whether for real or in a film, she may not. Just as you insist he should not be made to feel 'weird' or 'dirty' for doing so, she should not me told she is 9effectively- close minded just because she doesn't choose to watch it herself. And as for making more effort to be sexy, presumable she isn't a complete failure on that front since they have 3 children under 4 years old! Unless they were all immaculate conceptions of course!

sgb Your last post is very wise.

However, the husband has been deceiving the OP for a long time, and IMO (and hers, more importantly), that is very hard to get over, because if someone is going behind your back then they are simply not giving you the opportunity to share with them, to show them how open-minded you can be.

I agree with sayithowitis

Screamingabdab, yes the deceit is a problem but it may be something they can get over. If people are made to believe that their sexual desires are shameful and must not be shared with a partner, then they will sneak around and think that they are 'sparing' the partner's feelings (of course this is rarely the case, people are usually hurt more by the lying than by anything else): sometimes getting things out into the open will help sort the issue out properly because it will end the need for lying.
Obviously some partners find the deceit part of the thrill and won't stop because they are getting their jollies from lying to their partners, but that is not necessarily the issue in this case

That would be it for me.

sgb I don't disagree with you, that it might be sortable.

osborne - what are you thinking now?

What happens between two people is their business and anything goes as long as they both agree on it. The problem obviously arises when one person finds out that the other person is keeping something like that from them. I think it is a shame that people can't talk openly about things like this.

For example, if my DH had told me was into watching live people shagging, then we wouldn't be married as it's not my cup of tea. Am not saying he would be wrong to be into stuff like that, just that I'm not and it's not something I'd want to try and get my head around.

To find out these things after you are married and have children is IMO pretty unfair. My DHs watches the occasional bit of porn, doesn't bother me one bit but I'm not really into it TBH. If however, I found out he had done what OPs DH has done, I'd be much less than best pleased and I'd probably feel very deceived.....simply because he was doing something that I was turned off by and because he was lying to me.

I'm not sure how I'd handle it TBH. I see watching something on a screen (ie, porn) as being very, very different to actual sex chat or actually watching someone else in the flesh shagging. It'd probably be a deal breaker for me I think.

Sorry of this has been said before Ihaveb't read the whole thread. What strikes is the crossing of boundaries from fantasy to reality. Looking at porn and having fantsies etc is one thing - meeting up wuith people etc. A step too far. It's the lying that wouold get to me

HG: thing is that because so many fairly harmless and fairly common sexual preferences are stigmatized, people who have them often try very, very hard to pretend that they do not have such feelings (or get married at such a young age and with so little sexual experience that they haven't previously had the chance to wonder what their sexual tastes really are). If people have absorbed the idea that their sexual tastes are shameful and disgusting and wrong then they are less likely to try to discuss them with a partner, more likely to start furtively trying to meet their needs.
This is not to say that it is the fault of the other partner, nor that the other partner should just suck it up and start catering to the one who wants something sexually unusual - and it's not the same thing as a partner who repeatedly seeks sex outside the primary relationship behind the other partner's back despite having been found out and 'forgiven' more than once, and who will not engage in any attempts to discuss or allow for an open relationship because betraying the other partner is the thrill.
If someone has a longstanding sexual preference that they can't or won't share with a partner, or if the partner doesn't want to share it, then the important thing to consider is that this preference is NOT GOING TO GO AWAY. It has to be acknowledged and dealt with, whether that means ending the relationship or agreeing that the partner can get this need met outside the relationship.

Yep SGB. I don't think that sexual preferences should be stigmatised in this day and age, each to their own etc. It is a real shame that they are. If people could talk openly without shame they would be able to make informed choices in their personal lives before getting involved in partnerships and hence find partners who either don't mind what they are into or who are into the same thing themselves.

Thanks for your replies.

I think we will go to relate and see how to move forward. It is only one part of a generally good relationship and we must at least work at it.

The sex bit doesn't bother me as much as the lying. That is the stumbling block. There was never an opportunity for me to be involved if I wanted to.

I too support abitofabottler on this. All too often we all seem to gang up and agree how awful DH is when sometimes it is better to go to the root of the problem.

Lets face it sex is the issue here. So you need to try and get to a point where you both can talk more openly about your sexual desires, needs and dislikes. Try not to pass judgement although obviously you will both have limits and rely on each other respecting those. But I think it is actually very healthy to explore your own sexuality and try new things, only this should be done together.

thats the problem though, there was no chance to do this together. we aren't strictly missionary people and have talked about sex a lot. this is just out of the blue as far as i'm concerned.

i don't think dh is awful. he is however a liar which is the crux of the matter.

Just picking up from SGB (which I also agree with) and the lying issue.

Clearly the sad part is not so much about what DH did as that he had to lie about it. Yes he is at fault for that, and if betrayal was the thrill then that is indeed a problem. But for some reason he felt the need to explore some fantasies where he didn't think you would follow. So if your relationship is otherwise good then you just need to be able find a place where you are both sexually fulfilled and you can then rebuild the trust from there.

i would be worried , not because of what hes done (which may be fool hardy or actually what he wants to watch/do), but becase he has decieved you for so long...lies and deciept trouble me, if you dont know about this, what else could be out there? Apart from the physical risk (?STDs) of him partcipating (possibly), i wonder if hes depersonalised the whole sex thing to justify his interests. i think its disrespectful, im no prude but i would have to have serious discusions with him about honesty .....