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Original poster

Am I being stupid??? (long and confusing!!)

30 replies

PersonalClown · 30/03/2009 17:49

Some of the basics....
I met a guy through FB in July of last year, at first nothing special, just a mutual appreciation of the same bands. We started talking more and more, found him so easy to talk to, made me laugh etc.
Things got quite intense, talking every day, MSN, Fb, Skype, text, you name it.
August he tells me that I am just the type of girl he likes. Wahey you may think except he lives in South Africa!!
Anyhoo...Things carry on very well till October, he says he's making plans to move to England (This was planned before he even 'met' me apparently) then he starts drifting from me. Evasive, never reachable etc. Then I see a message from some girl saying how much she loved him etc (you know the type!) and he disappears from my life. No Fb, msn, skype, doesn't answer my calls.

Ho hum. My heart breaks as I truely believe that I loved him but I pick myself up and dust myself off beating myself up for believing any of it to be true.
And I move on... or so I thought.
I start dating someone new in December, taking it slow and easy as all that had rattled me a bit and things were fine.....Till one day at the end of January when the South african(SA) sends me a message on FB saying how he wants to apologize for everything blah blah blah.

Being me, I allow him that opportunity, for he shattered my self confidence leaving and I hoped this would maybe restore some of that knowing it wasn't me that made him leave.
And things are good. Except I realise that I never got over him, I pushed everything I felt into a box and locked it and him coming back has opened it right up again.
This causes major problems with the man I am seeing so I end it. I realise that I can't be with anyone till I'm either with the SA or truely get over him. It isn't fair to anyone otherwise.

Here is my question.. (took me long enough!)
I honestly believe that the SA is almost perfect for me. I have been told everything that happened in those missing months by a few sources. Some I haven't even spoken to before and have had no reason to.
But most of my friends think I am stupid for even considering wanting him.
I am VERY aware that everything may be lies and that he may hurt me again. But surely that is my choice to make?
I have already told him that he has to prove himself worthy of me (very hard for me to say as I don't think anything of myself), that he won't be moving in with me for quite a while and that IF he comes here, the realtionship would be starting from scratch.
I am under no illusions that all of it could be bullshit. I am not that stupid or naive to believe everything and he knows it. But surely a little faith can't hurt a bit.

Am I being stupid for even considering it/him? Are my friends right that he WILL only hurt me again?
If you've managed this... blimey you are good!

OP posts:
Geepers · 30/03/2009 17:53

I agree with your friends. You havn't even met this man. Sick child on lap so can't type more about how ridiculous I think you are being ;)

TotalChaos · 30/03/2009 17:53

are you being stupid/are your friends right? possibly or even probably. but for whatever reason you can't draw a line under him, so it needs to play itself out one way or the other - so the best scenarious are that either it works out OK with him, or you get him out of your system, but the worst case scenario is you end up feeling even more conflicted. good luck!

AnyFucker · 30/03/2009 17:54

forgive me if this is a stoopid question, but have you actually met him?

Original poster
PersonalClown · 30/03/2009 17:57

Of course I haven't met him!!
Single mum to an autistic child doesn't exactly stretch the funds to a few planes tickets!!!
Seriously no I haven't and I am aware that he may be very different in RL that on the net IF he ever gets here. That's why I am slightly skeptical about it all and asking if I am being stupid.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/03/2009 17:59

so you dumped a perfectly decent bloke for someone you have never met

you are doing your own head in with all sorts of scenarios

you know bugger-all about this bloke (apart from what he feeds you wants you to know)

you are being silly

AlistairSimnelcake · 30/03/2009 18:00

What were his reason's for dropping you the first time?

Original poster
PersonalClown · 30/03/2009 18:01

Thank you for the honesty.

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 30/03/2009 18:04

so - am a techno fwit - does skype let you see someone's face, like webcam, or do you just hear their voice?

tiggerlovestobounce · 30/03/2009 18:05

It does sound like you are being too trusting. This man has let you down before, and that is really the only thing you know about him. Your friends are right.

Original poster
PersonalClown · 30/03/2009 18:06

Both!!! Like video chatting on MSN. You see their face and chat away like you would with someone in the room.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 30/03/2009 18:09

are you my SIL?!

Seriously, don't even consider this guy

don't even think about it - you are in love with a fantasy

you will get hurt again i guarantee

Original poster
PersonalClown · 30/03/2009 18:11

Tigger... I was too trusting the first time. Which is why I am wary now.
The heart does love to overrule the head doesn't it!
Anyfucker... I ended with the bloke I was seeing as it was unfair to keep him waiting around while I sorted my head. I may be screwed up(!) but I can't hurt people like that.
Time will tell on all this I guess.

OP posts:
sarah76 · 30/03/2009 18:12

I think you are being ridiculous for investing so much in man you've never met. Just chatting over the internet is NOT the same. I've done plenty of online dating, and IME you can NEVER really know a person until you physically meet them and spend time with them. Don't get me wrong, I think the internet is a good place to meet people you wouldn't otherwise come into contact with, BUT...I'd say meet them sooner rather than later (in a safe, public place of course). It's amazing how you can be so convinced a person is perfect for you, only to find when you meet them in person there is no spark, no attraction, and you don't particularly like them much!

It is your choice to make, but your friends know you well and are trying to look out for you.

tartetatin · 30/03/2009 18:12

I would be very careful. Being cynical, are you sure he doesn't need you to assist with the moving to the UK thing? Why disappear when you are just internet friends and then suddenly pop up again. You don't know him. You know what he wants you to know about him. Don't give him another thought. Delete him from your friends and get on with your life. Look for a 'real' man not a 'virtual' man (I know it's difficult - I was a single mum for years...)

HecAteTheEasterBunny · 30/03/2009 18:12

You'll get hurt. I bet he's back in touch because his plans with the other girl didn't come to anything. Don't be Plan B!

Original poster
PersonalClown · 30/03/2009 18:15

Maybe.
I have no problems being single. I have done it for years!
I think I just need it to be me and DS till I'm strong enough to deal with even looking for a good man.

OP posts:
sarah76 · 30/03/2009 18:15

And just to add, even with video/audio, it's STILL not the same as being together in person (have experience with this as well). You don't know what he'd be like with other people, particularly your child.

DSM · 30/03/2009 18:16

I don't see why you shouldn't give it a go with this guy.

Obviously, you haven't stated the reasons he lost touch for a few months, but he obviously had reasons and it seems you have chosen to accept them. So you believe him to be genuine.

Your friends are looking out for you, and rightly so. But you have to trust yourself, and do what you think will make you happy. And if it does go wrong, you will have your friends for support.

Don't let him move in with you though.

Original poster
PersonalClown · 30/03/2009 18:16

oopps.. post too early.. Thanks all. It helps to have a completely outside view on things.

OP posts:
Original poster
PersonalClown · 30/03/2009 18:20

DSM It was to do with family and gambling. They are his family issues and are not my place to broadcast across the net.
I trust my friends implicitly to be there and say I told you so if/when it goes all wrong. It's just they saw the fallout and are very protective so I can't really see if they are being objective either which is why I am here!!

And as for moving in?? No chance!!!
I like having my own space and freedom. Far too independant to let someone move into my space so easily. Plus I have my DS to worry about and I won't risk anything to him.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 30/03/2009 18:30

Well you might as well get a shag out of him after all the palaver. And the other man was probably not suited to you anyway or you wouldn't have wanted to dump him so quickly.
Bear in mind that couple-relationships are neither compulsory nor very important, and don't believe any crap about 'soulmates' - there is a substantial number of adequately attractive people who are sufficiently similar to you in outlook that you could live happily with them.
And remember, most of all, that no couple-relationship is the answer to any problems you may have, it will usually just bring you new ones, and that no other person can fix you or make you happy just like that.
Good luck, though. You might at least have a bit of fun with the bloke.

BrokenFlipFlop · 30/03/2009 18:49

I must admit I would be very very cautious about letting him into my life again and probably wouldnt risk it but as you said, it is your choice.

You say he told you he was planning to move here before you began chatting etc. Why did he want to come over ie is it for work? What does he do? Does he have friends/family here?

The reason I ask the above is because whilst I can see thats its fun chatting, if you're going to give him a 2nd chance then the only way to see if he's full of crap or 'serious' is to move things up a gear. Does he have the finances to come over for a visit? Has he even mentioned coming over so you can meet?

Also, have you ever seen photos of him with friends and family ie on fb etc?

Have you dated any one else from an internet site?

Sorry if this sounds awfully nosy... its just one question after another!

dittany · 30/03/2009 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dittany · 30/03/2009 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled · 30/03/2009 18:58

Why doesn't he come over for a holiday - a couple of weeks, say? The story of him planning to move here anyway sounds like bullshit, but unless you do actually meet him you're going to spend the rest of your life wondering "What if..?". And he could well be a tosser, but you need to see that for yourself.