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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

do you reckon it's possible for an abusive bloke to change if he has therapy?

29 replies

Meglet · 29/03/2009 23:00

I think I may be clutching at straws here, but I could do with some input.

I kicked ex P out at new year as he had been very very verbally abusive (never physical abuse), agressive and behaving like a kid for many months. He has admitted on several occassions he know's he has behaved appallingly. We have a 2yo DS and a 6mo DD, insecure jobs, he has massive debts, house is mine though, but he couldn't cope with day to day life .

He has had a couple of sessions with a counsellor as he knows he needs to learn to control his temper, but is there any hope for this sort of thing? Is it possible for a man to mellow out in time?

(I know it's late so i might not be back until tomorrow as DD has been a bit poorly).

OP posts:

Claire2009 · 29/03/2009 23:01

Not sure, if he wants to change he will I guess. But in my experience men/people don't change...

Original poster

Meglet · 29/03/2009 23:03

i know. He's 30 so I figure that he's been behaving like that for so long he won't know how to behave differently.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 29/03/2009 23:07

Well my ex had loads of therapy!! At least 8 lots over 4 years. And if anything he's worse! So no, I don't think they do.

Simplysally · 29/03/2009 23:09

At the risk of sounding like a cheap comedian, how many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: only one but it has to want to change.

There's ^^^^ your answer.

Original poster

Meglet · 29/03/2009 23:13

i suppose it's all very well him knowing he's behaved like an ogre, but it's a totally diferent matter wanting to be any different.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 29/03/2009 23:15

Well what do you honestly think meglet? Does he really want to be different?

Original poster

Meglet · 29/03/2009 23:18

actually, i think he does. But he has such a bad temper than when he loses it he doesn't see sense. a bit Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde .

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StercusAccidit · 29/03/2009 23:36

IMO and please look at any posts i have started to prove...

Sometimes, even if they want to change, they just.. Can't.

It will all be ok for a little while, when they think they are going to lose you, then you will be back to square one.

Sorry. But from my own experience, chuck him NOW while you still have a life, or what he's left you with, and move on without him. You will see if he has changed and then you can make your decision, i made the mistake of letting my DP stay too close during his 'i will change' period, and they never do, maybe only for a short while, enough to give you a taste of what they were like when you first met them, but he will let you down time and time again
Very sad for all involved.. for you, for your kids and at him because he is an adult now and no matter why he is like he is, bad upbringing ect, HE had the choice to change and be a better person, and CHOSE not to.

StercusAccidit · 29/03/2009 23:37

Are you thinking of rekindling your relationship if he proves he has changed, or has he asked you if you would consider it?

thumbbunny · 29/03/2009 23:48

oh dear - I was going to say it is possible if he really wants to and has enough therapy and really feels it is necessary - but then I read Stercus' posts and thought - hmm, she sounds like she knows.

2 sessions with a counsellor hasn't even broken the surface, I can tell you that much and if he reckons it has then he is lying to himself as much as anyone. Two YEARS just starts to get somewhere.

NLP (neurolinguistic programming) might work on him, it is a very powerful therapy when used properly but he has to want it to work as well and it can be pretty uncomfortable stuff as it delves into the darkest corners of your being.

Original poster

Meglet · 30/03/2009 00:03

Don't worry, i know 2 sessions is nothing compared to what he really needs, I have no intention of getting back together in the near future. I'm just wondering whether there's any point in thinking about getting back together in the long term if he has loads of therapy.

Me and the DC's are doing fine- with a lot of help from my family. So I can cope without him.

OP posts:

thumbbunny · 30/03/2009 00:06

I think probably the best thing is not to let him think there is any chance of you getting back together - he needs to do this for himself, not to get back with you. That way his results will be more likely to be "real", iyswim.

And then, once he has had all the therapy and feels he is a different man (if he ever gets that far), perhaps you could see about anything else - but you're talking a long time here, years. If you stay friends but are firm with him that there is no hope for a reconciliation, who knows.

solidgoldbrass · 30/03/2009 00:58

It's on the outside edge of possible but it's unlikely to be you who gets the benefit. Whatever he does to change, you will always remember the previous abuse and it will be impossible to have a healthy relationship with him. The trouble is with men who have been abusive to their partners is that they have a huge, unshiftable sense of entitlement and superiority: they do not think that women matter as much as men, and that therefore whatever they have done it has been the woman's fault and her behaviour must change (ie she must obey and placate them).
If he has been abusive and aggressive to other people in the past it may be possible for therapy to work, but it's really not that likely. Sorry not to be more optimistic.

N1 · 30/03/2009 01:15

To answer the question - No. In isolated cases - possibly but the desire to change and the progress is obvious for the answer to move from a "no" to a possibly.

lilacclaire · 30/03/2009 01:16

A bit unlikely, I have been talking to a counsellor about 'anger' amongst other things, she has given me techniques etc, but you need to actually remember to use them, which doesn't always happen when your getting pissed off, as you are always in the right in your own head.
I have calmed down a bit, but I think I have a long way to go, I don't think you can essentially change what is part of someones personality though.
He would REALLY need to work on it with the techniques.

Original poster

Meglet · 30/03/2009 13:24

sgb ex p has been nasty to other people, not just me . Even his family have had to put up with him ranting and yelling.

I think the only thing I can do it just carry on with life with the dc's and see how ex p gets on in time.

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Jux · 30/03/2009 16:13

Tell yourself that you are now on your own and exp is just that - x. Very x absolutely x and always x. It sounds to me that you are waiting in hope, and that won't help you at all.

wotulookinat · 30/03/2009 16:19

I don't think he will change. Sorry.

AnyFucker · 30/03/2009 16:38

well, my father is in his 70's now and has been like this all his life...

so, in my experience, no

Original poster

Meglet · 30/03/2009 21:28

Thanks all . He came round tonight to do the dc's bath night and was being a grumpy pig within an hour. Made me realise how much nicer it is without him.

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solidgoldbrass · 30/03/2009 22:04

Forget any idea of having him back as a partner, don't put up with any bullshit from him (ie tell him to leave the house if he starts performing) and mentally wish him luck in improving his attitude. It will be a long slow process if it works at all: the only thing you could possibly do to help him is not to engage with or tolerate his crap, because it's only when everyone refuses to put up with abusive arseholes that they start to find their behaviour so unrewarding that they consider changing it.

StercusAccidit · 30/03/2009 22:46

Oh meglet i am so sorry flower.
I reread my post and i must have sounded very abrupt.

I am on a month long break with my DP. I have heard EVERY promise to change under the SUN
You would not believe what i have been through, and even now, while i stay close, and allow him to stay close, because of our DS, you would not believe what this weekend has been like

It does compound the thoughts and feelings of doing well without them which, IMO, is a shame, because these men CAN be so bloody nice.. its the effect of years of practise, having to apologise or make amends for their behaviour, their puppy eye skills are honed to perfection..

I dunno about you, but since i have been on this break, i have found an energy, and a voice, and self respect that i thought long gone..now when he starts grumping, i'm like 'get going and don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out'
SGB is right, they expect other people (women) to placate them, and bow down and walk behind them while out shopping, you are not this type of mans equal, and it goes from being a relationship to a dictatorship.

When i say you wouldn't believe, you just wouldn't.. i can't believe what i have put up with and i was living it lol.

Ok. I'm going out on a limb here, but, i suppose it would be possible for someone who wanted it enough, to change. But they need to admit to others and themselves that they have a problem. Its not YOU, or their upbringing, or stress at work..its them.

They need to own it, to get over it..unfortunately in their little pig headed world - that - revolves - around - them - and - the fact - that - all - women - are - bitches - .....who don't deserve respect or more than a minimal amount of love after the first six months of the relationship.. they truly believe that all women are terrible and deserve to be treated like crap.
Because eventually every woman gets tired of their crap and cheats, leaves, or both, they believe they are right.
Not ever do they think how their own behaviour contributed to the breakdown of the relationship.
They get more bitter, more twisted, and the next woman who comes along gets judged by the actions of the predecessor..and responds eventually by repeating the pattern.

And so it continues until one brave soul doesn't cheat, or leave, but doesn't put up with the shit either.
Then it is down to who breaks or gets worn down first. Usually the woman who tries gets worn down to almost nothing. Very rarely the man realises what he stands to lose and makes changes..maybe the idea sinks in that he has been partly responsible for what has happened in the past.

So.

Do you want to take that risk, of being sucked back in and worn to nothing? For the very small chance that he will 'change'?

Best thing you could do is tell him you couldn't cope with being with him. Wish him luck in finding someone who is daft enough will, and walk away or keep a respectable distance when he comes to see the DC's.

Wtf did he find to be grumpy about anyway??!!?? Couldn't find the soap or something??

StercusAccidit · 30/03/2009 22:50

SGB
x-posts lol .. i was writing that and had to off to feed lil un

So it seems i am coming round to the right way of thinking then no?

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 30/03/2009 22:51

Of course it's possible to change. My supervisor (an extremely experienced therapist) doesn't take new clients on over the age of 60 but up til that age, fine.

That is entirely different to staying in a relationship while someone is going through the process of change or addressing their issues. Maybe he will change and maybe in the future you could choose to have a relationship with him.

Right now though the most important thing is that you look after yourself and enjoy the peace that being without him has given you.

Original poster

Meglet · 30/03/2009 23:23

sgb, stercus & laurie thanks for your posts they have cheered me up this evening. I have no intention of getting back with him while he's like this. If he has loads of therapy maybe in time he might change, but I won't hold my breath.

He was grumpy this evening as he didn't think I was quick enough coming upstairs to say goodnight to ds , I had been in the kitchen making dd's bottle. He thinks the whole world should run like clockwork and on time (he works in a factory).

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