Out of love with DH - is staying for the kids right?

[cynicalsis]

This is my first post on MN so I'd like to apologise in advance for any faux pas I might commit.

DH and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for nearly 17 of them. I haven't loved him for a long time - did I ever, I wonder now, or was I just grateful that someone wanted to marry me. In many ways he is a wonderful DH and father but spends little time with our two DS. He works all the time and is rather semi-detached from family life. I realise with some shock that I don't mind this as it means he's not around and that makes life so much better than when he's here. He works away from home part of the time. He's not violent or abusive in any way. In fact, he can be funny and charming. He can even cook and do the housework but only when asked .

Reading some of the other posts here I feel awful for being unhappy with my lot when in reality I have so much that others don't. My DS are wonderful, funny, smart, generous kids and love their dad to bits. I can't bring myself to destroy their family life just because I am unhappy. But I am very unhappy and tormented with indecision about what to do. (I begin to cry just writing this down.)

I have made up my mind to leave once the DS are not living at home full-time. I reckon that could be 8 to 10 more years. But I'm not sure if I can last that long. It's not that I want to be with anyone else. I just don't want to be with DH. In his heart, I suspect DH knows something of how I feel but I have avoided openly discussing my feelings because I don't want to hurt him either.I find myself wishing he would meet someone else and leave me. Then the break-up would happen but I wouldn't be the one initiating it.I'm such a coward.

I so want kids to have a stable family life. I don't want to disrupt school or have to move them. DH had a few problems in his childhood with family moving all the time and being sent away to school while I had a really stable family life and I know which of the two I'd prefer for my DS.

What I'd like to ask is whether anyone else has stayed in an unhappy marriage so that their children can have a stable family. If so, was it worth it? Do you regret it? We hear all the time about how bad family break up is for children. Is it true? I realise only I can make the decision about what I should do but I'd welcome knowing about other people's experience.

You think her H sounds a rather nice chap based on her OP
I didnt say her situation was abuse I was just responding to some of the comments about seeing abuse in everything - sometimes we dont realise it is abuse is all I'm saying and I think we need to be more aware!

Yes I do think he sounds like a nice chap. OP says he's lovely she just doesn't love him and never did. Not a crime. So I don't know why the !

Absolutely agree with you by the way that we should be more aware about abuse. I've been horrified by the tales of abuse on these very pages and feel very lucky that I haven't had to suffer it. I don't know yet whether I'm carrying a boy or a girl but he or she will definitely be taught respect and kindness.

peachyfox - once again I find myself in agreement.

macdoodle - look at what peachyfox says @ Mon 30-Mar-09 18:20:30. That is exactly what I think about the issue. No more and no less. I look forward to the research link.

I do hope the OP comes back again but I am not sure the discusison is helping her now.

peachyfox, I have reread the original post and the situation is very similar to mine - it's only the husband's response to the lack of sex that differs.

Have you ever had any counselling or otherwise "dealt with" the episode when your dh asked for a divorce during your pregnancy?

That sounds to me like the kind of thing that could fester and undermine a relationship if not properly resolved.

I don't think a spouse should necessarily stay "for the children" (tho' there are worse reasons) but "for better or for worse" does hint at an undertaking to try everything possible to save the marriage. Only you can know whether you have done this or not.

I hope you find a way to be happier.

Why does everyone always remember me for the bloody Fascinating Womanhood thread? Argh. There have been others. I started the "Extended Mumsnetting" one too! Can that not be my legacy?!

Anyway - I wasn't suggesting the OP shag her DH for his sake. I was suggesting she did it for her sake. Sex causes our body to release oxytocin (which is v powerful for bonding), and can help build intimacy between couples. (Peachyfox, sex doesn't have to come after intimacy, it can precede it.) And it will give her a very, very good idea about whether she wants to stay with her DH.

I'm sorry for everyone who has been with an abusive partner who pushed them to have sex. But this OP's DH doesn't sound like that. I really think it would help her reconnect with him, and it is (obviously) a far less major step than splitting up the family.

OP, I really hope things work out, whatever you decide to do.

I can't believe that 1 in 3 women are in abusive relationships. I look around at my family and friends and can't see it. We all have disagreements but that doesn't equate to abuse and I don't believe that statistic for a minute.
Some posters on here can be very anti men due to personal experience I know, but still it can all get a bit militant!

Beautiful, you will be forever remembered for that thread because you sounded like such a deluded weirdo on it

Although I seem to think you took all the comments with good grace. I remember that too.

Wiht thanks to lilac and to the OP as their situatinos are extremely similar to mine and I am currently considering my options to leave dh....

REcognise much of the abuse definitions here and acknowledge that abuse doesn't have to mean beating your wife into a pulp each night. In fact it can be much more insidious and nasty.

In my case it is a severe issue of my dh having control over everthing. Just the thought that if i were free i could choose my summer holiday ( of all bloody things ) is fantastically, pathetically liberating.

Thanks, AF. I think...

you are welcome

this isn't the one I was thinking of but is very interesting
Will see if I can find the other - please dont underestimate the prevalence of abuse of any kind (but emotional abuse is much harder to define ad less often reported or acknowledge)
Just because you have never been in, or know anyone in an abusive relationship dont just assume they are in the minority - for years no one would have guessed how abusive or destructive my marriage was - even my sister to whom i am very close and talk to a lot was unaware just how bad it was and is shocked now I have finally started disclosing it - FWIW I am not hysterical, exagerating or making things up, if anything I am underplaying it because I am ashamed I let it go on for so long

I think this is the one I was thinking of about halfway down the page
It is a canadian study and about 1000 women not 2000 but the stats speak for themselves
I have done a lot of reading on this topic when I started to realise what was going on in my life, and the prevalence is scary indeed !

I AM NOT scaremonegring, I am not bitter and twisted, I ahve moved on, I am healing and trying to get my XH out of my life and head,I aknow that not all men are abusive dicks, and have a lovely new DP to prove it
But to ignore it and dismiss it is a terrible cruel mistake to make and does no favours to women still trapped in hell

Fair enough, macdoodle, but surely it does women in genuinely abusive relationships no favours to overuse the term, either.

I don't know if the OP's dh is abusive. I don't think she has disclosed enough detail for any of us to know that. Ultimately, all any of us can do is make suggestions based on our own experience. Surely it would be irresponsible to make too many assumptions (and I am not saying that you have done this) based on incomplete info?

I dont think I did TBH I think I responded to some sarcastic comments about man hating women - this is probably not the thread for this discussion I hope the OP resolves her problems !