is Two Weeks Too Soon To Introduce New Partner to 4yr old?

[whooosh]

My xDP ended our 15yr relationship with a 10 second phonecall two weeks ago.
I was convinced there was someone else and yesterday she confessed she is in love with this woman (who I know and was sat in my kitchen 2 weeks ago!).

We met yesterday,she has full PR for DD so legally. I cannot stop her from seeing DD (nor would I DD loves her and she is a great parent)

However,she dropped the bombshell she is moving in with this woman ,a 2hr drive away from our home.I am very keen for DD to retain her relationship with xDP and had (in the very brief time I have had to think about this)envisaged an every other weekend plus one night in the week scenario for DD.

xDP compounded the bombshell by stating that DD's time with her would be spent with the OW and her teenage daughter.She was quite emphatic about this.It also means that DD won't be able to see xDP in the week.

I think it is WAY too soon for DD to adapt to a new relationship.She is already suffering from the split and I think she needs time just with xDP.Are there ANY guidelines on how long it should be or is there any way I can stop it?

Oh whoosh - what a nightmare.

I personally think it is much too soon.

Your dd needs time to compute the fact that you and exp are no longer together before mixing it up with a new partner. Her needs come first and IMO at the moment she needs to have proper time with your ex, before being gradually introduced to OH and family.

This is also to the OH advantage. If she is introduced at full pelt I would have thought it possible that your dd will connect her fairly and squarely with the family break up - not happy associations in my opinion. Better to take it softly softly.

And much much fairer on your dd. Feel for both of you - horrible thing to go through and having to be strong for dd.

it is way to soon. way , way , way too soon to meet someone new and their child and be 2 hours away from home. she is 4, she has not got the emotional maturity to handle this

i would be seeking legal advice ASAP if your ex is not being forthcoming with protecting DD in all of this.

she should be seeing her alone for months and months , before introducing her to a new partner.

she unfortunately sounds as though she has had a bit of a break down in rational thinking

if the relationship with the new woman does not last, your DD is going to be affected by that break up too

Thank you both-I am not being unreasonable then....

We have an appointment with a Relate child specialist today and I am hoping to God they say the same.I do not want my DD exposed to this so soon,for all your ver valid reasons mentioned.

OW incidentally invited her last partner into her home immediately fter she kicked her husband out and they had a 5yr old at the time.Her new partner "hated" kids and so OW's child had a fairly miserable time for the 7yrs they were together.Chidl now 12/13 still has a full time nanny.

So,not someone I want my DD spending time with (ever if I am honest) but not for many,many months.

I eel the same way Riven but she is obviously besotted with her new partner (2 weeks in)and putting their happiness and time together before DD.

I am so angry and hurt.

Tried yesterday but she is determined DD spend time wth "them".

My poor darling DD is really strugglingwith xDP just not being here,let alone introducing a whole new family.

I don't understand why sh has to move in and can't rent somewhere near DD.
DD has her life here.Dance classes she goes to locally which she would have to miss if 2hrs away-xDP helpfully suggested doing a dance class near her new home

She loves DD and before this happened I would have trusted her to always put DD first.

She thinks I am manipulating DD in her phonecalls which is not the case.

Can't believe our lives have been blown apart in 2 weeks

No idea about the legalities but I think it is way too soon. Your daughter is a baby really to try and deal with all that has happened.

How would you feel if you had a new partner? Would you still think it is too soon? I am just trying to get both sides.

I am sorry you are both going through this.

I'd agree that it is way too soon, but if your ex is adamant, there's not much you can do.

Perhaps you can talk to DD and try an explain that it might be a bit strange to visit, but your ex still cares for her a lot and she'll have fun?

That way it might be so difficult for her.

Good luck, and keep going!

Hi there. Yet another sad situation for a child of separating parents - where the one who moves out (and away!) puts their needs first (as it seems here).

Having PR doesn't mean that your exP has the right to create a contact schedule to run exactly how she wants it. She left, and time is needed to fully negotiate arrangements that will work best for your DD and and both parents. This should also include your DD's current activities.

You are your DD's primary carer (definately now) and so I say, make a reasonable suggestion of your own, were each thing you suggest is clearly in your DD's best interests over everything else, and until there's compromise, your exP has to see your DD at your residence for contact visits. Arrangements regarding a child's welfare should not just be done quickly and ill thought out. Your exP just walked out, so she has to deal with the consequences. Right now, she's making unreasonable demands. Having PR doesn't give anyone the right to do this, never mind a parent who walked out.

When you've come to an agreement (yes there may be some conflict!), I'd suggest writing it up and both signing it. This is what I did when I divorced my ex (I didn't use a solicitor!), and the courts were happy to not intervene at all. My current partner on the other hand has had to get a court order to arrange contact / residency, etc., for his two boys. I have a strong feeling that if the authorities were involved (as for a divorce) they'd be quite angry at your exP's ill-thought out, selfish suggestions.

Your exP should realistically (for now) visit your DD, maybe take her out for the day, but then return her to her home where she has security and stability. Your exP should not even be wanting to try to integrate your DD into a new family at this stage.

Oh and I wouldn't agree to every weekend, because that means when your DD starts school, you only get before and after-school with her, and there's little time to take your DD out for the day, etc. Alternating weekends is definately better - or one weekend day each (which is what I do - but we're flexible!).

I'm sorry you're in this situation, especially when your were not expecting it at all. You must be feeling terrible. I do hope you work something out.

for you whooosh. I hope you get this resolved in favour of you and dd. And that she listens when you go to Relate?

Well we went to Relate who were a complete waste of time and money.Too wishy washy with no concrete advice with regards visiting.

Asked "how long" it should be before exposing DD to the new partner and they said "not just yet,leave it a little while" aaaaarrrrggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

"perhaps introduce your new partner just as a "friend" to begin with"
aaaarrrrggghhh

Anyway,a very helpful friend gave me a great book this morning which states a year as being a good amount of time.
xDP has now agreed that perhaps it will take a "few months".

Also told me she wants to be with the OW for the rest of her life-just to twist the knife a bit more.

Well no doubt she said that to you at some point Whoosh, or at least that's the impression that was given or else you wouldn't have had your dd.

So yes, it twists the knife. BUt if you allow yourself to have a attitude (i.e. take anything said with a pinch of salt) it might enable you to be more cynical/realistic when she talks claptrap.

I am glad that at least Relate agreed that is too soon now. You exp sounds rather blinkered - needs to take stock herself rather than rushing headlong into new blended family, dragging your dd along before she is ready.

I agree with previous poster who said every weekend would be too limiting for your relationship with dd. I saw my father once a fortnight and for a couple of holidays (short 4/5 day breaks) when I was 8 (so much older). Never met the OW. They broke up 2 years later. I think that one evening in one week alternated with every other weekend more reasonable but most important is to be guided by your dd and what you think is appropriate for her.

it is too soon, imo.

Sorry to hear that your relationship has eneded whooosh.

Whooosh if your exP has left the family home she would have been seen in law to have abandoned your DD leaving you by default as the primary carer. This means you have control for now over what parenting arrangements there will be for your DD. Seeing as your exP is acting irrationally and defintely not in your DD's best interests I think you need to excercise that control.
2 weeks after meeting someone is way to soon to introduce a child to a new partner, never mind just 2 weeks after breaking up!
Im a "step mum" I met DSD after I had been with DP 5 months and then with great trepidation. Both of us wanted to be sure our relationship was going somewhere before we met. Even then I was introduced as a friend not a girlfriend.
Your DD will be very vulnerable and confused, she needs time to deal with what has happened the new partner is the last thing she needs atm.

I wonder why she says something like that to you? Was she always cruel?

So sorry Relate weren't any use. Hope your Ex sticks to what she says.

Whooosh your ex can mouth off as much she wants but that wont change the fact legally she has abandoned your DD and that you now are the parent with care.

I love the wisdom of Mumsnet-thank you.

Curious-I don't actually think she said it to be cruel,it just hurt.It hurts to know she would rather be with someone else than me and assume that she can take DD to play happy families because that's what she wants.

In answer to your question-no she wasn't a cruel person at all.A very kind,loving thoughtful person who would alwasy put DD first-this is why it is all the harder.She did this with no thought for DD and gave us no chance to plan the best way of helping DD deal with it.It is like I am dealing with the OW-not XP.

While two weeks is not too soon for a brief casual meeting (ie the new partner being in the car outside having dropped off your XP for a vist, for instance), expecting a 4-year-old to spend a whole weekend in an unfamiliar house and be pushed to accept people she doesn't know as a new 'family' with one of her parents absent, would be very distressing.
The rights and wrongs of your relationship ending, Whoosh, are something we on the interent can't know about, but my best advice to you is to be as civil as you can to your XP (and vent elsewhere). Remind her that your DD is the one who matters, and that you both want the best for DD, and that the best for DD is contact with both parents and a civil relationship between them. So tell your XP that you accept her new relationship and wish her well, but for DD's sake the introducing of the new partner has to be done slowly.
Basically if you slag off her new partner and criticize her for leaving you, then she's going to get hostile and defensive and may (rightly or wrongly) accuse you of homophobia and be even more difficult.

Can you just refuse to let your DD go?

Glad she isn't cruel then. Once the 'newness' of the relationship wears off she may hopefully come back down to earth?

Would you take her back if she realises she's made a mistake?

Solidgold-that is exactly how I have been acting and I am indeed venting elsewhere

I will not this harm my daughter any more thanit has and wilst it may take every ounce of energy I have I will pretect her,even if it kills me inside to be "nice".

Curious-I think the answer is no.If after 15 yrs,she can do this to DD (ie the suddenness and no chance to plan) then how could I 8ever* trust her again? Every time she spent a night away from home I would worry tat I may get a similar phonecall.As much as I love her,self preservation and protection of DD has kicked in.

What was the share of care for DD when you were together Whooosh?