Adult son with terrible social problems

[Iblewit]

Didn't know whether I should post this here but have read the Stately Homes thread and a in awe of your collective wisdom. Figured nothing to lose if I ask for help here. Maybe will also be a warning to some of you ladies who live in abusive relationships about what can happen to your kids if you don't get out...

I have a 21 year old son who had a pretty shitty upbringing. I have beaten myself up over it for years so there's nothing you guys can say to me that I haven't already said to myself over this but for a long time I have tried to put aside the guilt and find constructive solutions to help him.

The backstory is that I got pg while still at school doing my Highers and my conservative parents kicked me out - I ended up travelling down from Scotland to London and living in a homeless shelter with my then bf -DS's father. After the baby was born he became violent and I became homeless again with the baby. I couldn't return to Scotland because my parents told me not to come back ever - shame on the family etc. I got with another guy who wasn't violent but it was a dysfunctional relationship and we rowed a lot. He was verbally abusive and was only ever interested in being down the pub with his mates drinking every penny.

Other similarly shit relationships happened as my son grew up miserable and insecure. I guess I was always trying to find some bloke who would take care of us - and I never knew how to look for help elsewhere. I thought that if I went to Social Services they would take him away from me. Maybe he would have been better off if they did.

I was stupid and immature and thought that as long as my son was fed and clothed and safe everything would be ok. Well it wasn't - I realised too late that his emotional needs weren't being met and all the rowing and homelessness and moving around and just trying to survive from day to day meant he never got the chance to have a normal happy childhood. No matter how bad things got I never ever felt that I could turn to my parents for help - once or twice I telephoned them and asked them to look after my boy while I got sorted but my mother told me I had made my bed and should lie in it.

I finally got my life together when my DS was in his teens - after a particularly violent and horrible scene with a long term bf which took place in front of my son. I got a good job and a stable life with no men it it but it was all too late - my son failed at school, has never had a job and has no friends. He never leaves the house. I spend my life worrying myself sick about him.

He has been in Group Therapy for a couple of years which he says is helpful but I don't know any more than that obviously. It might be helpful to him to talk about things but its not making any difference to his social problems. I am trying to get him to undergo some CBT also as he has extremely negative attitudes towards life situations and other people which are totally holding him back. I have tried to encourage him to get out and meet people but he can't seem to. He is very emotionally immature.

I think he has a social phobia and has no self confidence. Can anyone suggest any practical measures that could help him? You always read that joining clubs and things is the way to solve your self confidence issues and meet people but he won't go over the threshold.

Thank you for reading this and I'm sorry its so long.

Iblewit. I am sorry that you have both had such a tough time. All I can say is well done. You have achieved a lot in spite of the situation. Your son is still with you and you obviuosly give him a strong sense of security and reassurance. It could be worse, he could be using drugs, in care, in prison.
It is brilliant that he is in group therapy. Maybe you just need to amange your expectations and time scales. It took some time for you to get it togther as an adult you did he is just becoming an adult so maybe needs more time. But you have done some excellent role modeling. Could he get out with you -- if that makes hime feel safe. Maybe do something together to build his confidence then maybe slowly encourage him to move on to greater challenges. I am looking after my 19 year old brother following the recent dead of our mother. They had split from a very dysfunctional family the year before. My aim is to take this all very gently and to be glad things arnt worse or are not deteriroating.

Dear Iblewit - congratulations on coming so far and surviving so much. I wonder if your son has any interests or hobbies of any sort? Would that be a way to get through to him? Given that you're on MN you (probably) have a computer at home - would he be able to find the courage to look stuff up on nthe internet that interests him?

Good luck.

Well done iblewit.. I could hve written parts of your post myself, except my kids are 17 and 19 and both have metnal helth issues and are drug/alcohol abusers. Miserable isn't it?

Sory for bad typing, am a bit teary after another dreadful episode with them

Blimey you've had a rough time of it. Remember that there are plenty of people with comparatively easy, straightforward upbringings who still lack social skills and confidence - don't necessarily pin everything on your son's childhood.

I agree that the best way to start engaging with the outside world might be online forums - you only need reveal what you want to reveal. And whatever interests he has, you can guarantee that there will be a chatroom about it somewhere. It may lead to meet-ups, or at least give him some confidence in knowing that there are like-minded people out there.

Thank you for replying guys I appreciate it. It is true that it could be worse and that he could be on drugs - the thing is he never leaves the house unless he has to so he would have no way of coming into contact with drugs or alcohol really. I dread to think what would happen if he did because he might be a perfect candidate for it.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time akhems it is a terrible situation to be in and knowing that it might have been avoidable if you knew then what you know now.

I read posts on here from ladies who are thinking about leaving abusive unhappy relationships and once the trauma of the latest row or domestic screaming fit or drunken shouting match has worn off they convince themselves to stay or that the man isn't so bad or whatever. You just have no idea what it is doing to your kids and you won't find out until it is to late.

goodness me, what a strong and loving person you sound

I have no way to make you feel better in a few short sentences, but 21 is still very young and he has lots of time to find his groove

I would say don't try to force anything, it does sound like a social phobia of some sort but some people will always be homebodies

also, I would not be so sure (unless you have other evidence, am not doubting your story), that the abusive r'ships you had are solely to blame for how he is

some young men struggle mightily and there may be other mental health issues (apart from his upbringing) that show themselves in therapy

all the best of luck to you and your son

hassled yes I think he does use forums and has for a long time but it doesn't seem to translate into the real world IYSWIM. He seems to think that people are intrinsically bad and untrustworthy and will always let him down and most important that they won't like him.

You are also right that its maybe not all down to his upbringing as his father (who he hasn't seen since he was a baby) was a similar sort of character and to top it off my own parents are extremely introverted socially inadequate types. A big problem for him is he is still a virgin because of his extremely restricted social experience and he believes that this is the root of most of his problems - people can "tell" etc. I think he suffered a double whammy of nature and nurture going against him.

I would love to know whether there are any groups or websites/forums for people with these sort of issues.

I just want to give you (and your son) some hope that things will improve for him. I had a very abusive childhood and at 21 I was a total mess, suffering from eating disorders, drinking too much, drugs, anxious and paranoid and loads of other stuff. But I am now a happy 34 year old, in fact I feel I am happier than many of my friends and I don't feel resentment towards my mum for allowing me to have such a horrible childhood. And it is brilliant that you are so open about your shortcomings in the past. My mother can't talk about it (in fairness she was abused too) and it would have helped in the past of she had.

Best of luck to both of you.

if she had.

iblewit, do you talk openly about his upbringing with your son?

We have done, yes, especially when the issue of counselling came up a while back. Now when we talk about this stuff its more about what the problem is now and how to sort it (well, that's me - he just looks miserable and says nothing will ever change or get better)It is frustrating as I cannot get him to see that a lot of it is down to his current mindset and this could be changed so its not easy to talk about it and it doesn't happen that often. I believe he talks about it at his therapy sessions.

I don't think he is depressed by the way - at least his counsellor hasn't said anything that would suggest such a diagnosis as far as I know.

He know that I blame myself and that I believe things would have turned out different if he had had a better childhood.

I think he blames my parents somewhat for never helping us when we needed help - he sometimes makes remarks about that.

Does anyone know if it takes a long time to get referred for CBT by your GP?

I think CBT waiting times vary a lot according to area - my DD had some, and I think it took a couple of months to come through - so not too bad. I think CBT sounds like just the job for him.

CBT wait is very variable.

whilst you wait you can do it online

Iblewit I echo everyone's thoughts on how strong you are and I sympathise very much.

Is it possible I think that because you blame yourself SO much and he has picked up on this, he feels he is somehow absolved from responsibility for making things change.

He can blame you, and he can blame his grandparents, and that's the way things are and always will be, in his head.

It is like saying : you are like this because of x, which leaves no room for change, as the past can't be changed, and it implies it's built into his personality.

Perhaps you could stop blaming yourself so vocally? It's a subtle thing but might help.

Also, can you afford driving lessons for him. That would be a very confidence giving thing, it would get him out into the real world, it would be socially interactive without him having to start conversations or be interesting, and totally without the pressure of friendship and trust issues. It would be a truly practical move forward. He would be outside, doing something constructive, and enjoying the small social movements that brings. Tiny small steps, without any pressure.

I should have asked if he drives already. anyway all the best, you deserve a break x

I may have overstated how much I go on about how much his problems are my fault. It isn't discussed that much but when things came to a head a few years back I did make that clear and that I regretted his less than perfect childhood.

Thanks for the helpful advice and the kind thoughts and the link.

driving lessons are something I thought of - can't really afford at the moment but will certainly do for birthday present

Looks like he needs to build and experience trust...maybe something less direct like working with animals...or even getting a dog might build trust, loyalty etc...would get him out. I heard that you can look after recsue dogs for weekends just to try it out.

How did he get on at school? When did he leave? Did he have friends then that you could engineer a meeting with?

Would he like to do a course or voluntary work so that thew focus was the task and the social side was the by product.

Would he be interested in something like BTCV?

The Princes Trust run courses for young adults who are not in education or work. I have heard good things about them, and it could give your son an opportunity to experience activities he hasnt done before - very good for building confidence.

I wonder if OUtsiders might be of use or interest to him. They do welcome people who have 'social disabilities' as well as physical ones, and they do lay some emphasis on it being OK to want a sex life.

Thank you guys for those very practical suggestions - just the kind of thing I was looking for. I have emailed the Princes Trust a couple of times but got no response - perhaps should get him to ring them. Have also forwarded those websites to him to look at.

Much appreciated xx

good luck

If you google 'social phobia forums' you'll find lots of sites to look at. One is www.social-anxiety.org.uk.
You'll probably have to sift through them to find the good ones, as you don't want him to get into a self-perpetuating cycle, but it may be a comfort to find there are others out there who feel like him.
Best of luck with it; it's to your credit that he's a pleasant, well-behaved young man.
Don't beat yourself up, and try and dwell on the positives in his character rather than what you feel is missing.
It's so important to feel appreciated as we are, then we can move forward from a place of acceptance.

I echo stuffit's driving thing - my ds is not unlike yours; learning to drive gave him a real sense of achievement and success in a life that seemed to be full of nothing but failure and disapproval. Also perfect socially - no need to chat; safe environment etc.

I have also learned to include him in my life - make him come to the supermarket with me, talk to him about what he watches on tv or plays on his pc, give him jobs to do round the house, make him cook etc etc. (Mine is younger than yours). If we are in the car together I turn on talk radio and we talk abotu what they are talking about...

He can be quite human. He just doesn't like people especially other teenagers very much.