Adult son with terrible social problems

[Iblewit]

Didn't know whether I should post this here but have read the Stately Homes thread and a in awe of your collective wisdom. Figured nothing to lose if I ask for help here. Maybe will also be a warning to some of you ladies who live in abusive relationships about what can happen to your kids if you don't get out...

I have a 21 year old son who had a pretty shitty upbringing. I have beaten myself up over it for years so there's nothing you guys can say to me that I haven't already said to myself over this but for a long time I have tried to put aside the guilt and find constructive solutions to help him.

The backstory is that I got pg while still at school doing my Highers and my conservative parents kicked me out - I ended up travelling down from Scotland to London and living in a homeless shelter with my then bf -DS's father. After the baby was born he became violent and I became homeless again with the baby. I couldn't return to Scotland because my parents told me not to come back ever - shame on the family etc. I got with another guy who wasn't violent but it was a dysfunctional relationship and we rowed a lot. He was verbally abusive and was only ever interested in being down the pub with his mates drinking every penny.

Other similarly shit relationships happened as my son grew up miserable and insecure. I guess I was always trying to find some bloke who would take care of us - and I never knew how to look for help elsewhere. I thought that if I went to Social Services they would take him away from me. Maybe he would have been better off if they did.

I was stupid and immature and thought that as long as my son was fed and clothed and safe everything would be ok. Well it wasn't - I realised too late that his emotional needs weren't being met and all the rowing and homelessness and moving around and just trying to survive from day to day meant he never got the chance to have a normal happy childhood. No matter how bad things got I never ever felt that I could turn to my parents for help - once or twice I telephoned them and asked them to look after my boy while I got sorted but my mother told me I had made my bed and should lie in it.

I finally got my life together when my DS was in his teens - after a particularly violent and horrible scene with a long term bf which took place in front of my son. I got a good job and a stable life with no men it it but it was all too late - my son failed at school, has never had a job and has no friends. He never leaves the house. I spend my life worrying myself sick about him.

He has been in Group Therapy for a couple of years which he says is helpful but I don't know any more than that obviously. It might be helpful to him to talk about things but its not making any difference to his social problems. I am trying to get him to undergo some CBT also as he has extremely negative attitudes towards life situations and other people which are totally holding him back. I have tried to encourage him to get out and meet people but he can't seem to. He is very emotionally immature.

I think he has a social phobia and has no self confidence. Can anyone suggest any practical measures that could help him? You always read that joining clubs and things is the way to solve your self confidence issues and meet people but he won't go over the threshold.

Thank you for reading this and I'm sorry its so long.

I suffer with social phobia and found the National Phobics Society were great (now known as Anxiety Uk if you do web search).
They do a newsletter which is very informative and you can contact other people with similar phobias.If you join you can also get free or reduced rate alternative therapies.
Seroxat and some other anti-depressants are supposed to be good for social phobia and you could ask your GP for info.

My social phobia was worse when I was living at home with my parents as I didn't have to get out of the house if I didn't want to and this makes the problem worse. I found the teenage years really hard but found my anxieties got easier when I got older and got a job.

I had a "normal" upbringing and have social phobia and I suspect my son has tendencies towards shyness so please don't beat yourself up and think that you caused it all.

Im so sorry for all that you have been through, and I can identify with your son as I have a nephew of 24yrs who is exactly the same. He went down the online forums route, and has made a couple of decent friends (even had a 6 month relationship with a girl)he too is painfully shy and very negative. All you can do is what you're already doing and be there for him. All the best

I think I probably suffer from social anxiety of varying degrees in different situations, and I can identify with how your son might be feeling. I wouldn't blame yourself too much for him being like this. My upbringing was the opposite (home life very secure) and I think that too encouraged reclusiveness.

I would definitely second the Social Anxiety UK recommendation, I've posted on there in years gone by and it's a great source of advice and encouragement. Just feeling less of a freak is enormously helpful. Forums in general are a great way of meeting people with similar interests - whether it's a computer game or a TV show or a band or a sport. There's the security of anonymity if people hate you, but there's the potential to make new friends if they don't.

Including him in trips to the supermarket, etc, is definitely the right thing to be doing. Part of being comfortable outside the home is understanding how to act in these situations, and it perpetuates the cycle of isolation when you're too worried to go out in case you 'get it wrong.' It sounds weird, but if you can take him out to restaurants and even pubs, it might build his confidence in these situations and therefore make him less wary of meeting people who might ask him to go to these places where he feels he has no idea how to act.

Also, I do think that communication with others is just one form of self-expression and self-justification. There are many others. I often find solace and a sense of identity in artistic pursuits - taking photos, drawing pictures, writing, music. I think this can help relieve angst as well as help remind yourself who you are and what you have to offer the world. It takes all sorts and not everyone feels compelled to define themselves by their relationships with others.

As I say, I do suffer from this on a variable basis. Being sociable doesn't come naturally to me, but through constant practise I reckon I can deal with about two thirds of social situations reasonably effectively! The other tricky thing about social anxiety is that the very people who can relate to you and would have the patience and understanding to become good friends are also stuck at home worrying about the very same things.

Sorry for the essay - good luck with everything.