New baby and extended family issue (long - sorry)

[Floatylight]

I have a 6wo baby DS who is the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Both sets of GPs live fairly close by, about 10 mins by car.

I am doing mixed feeding. Bottles in the day, breastfeeding evening/night/morning. When DS was 3wo my mum was round when I was bottle feeding DS, the phone rang and I asked her to finish feeding the baby which she did and really enjoyed doing, including all the winding etc etc.

The next time my DH & I visited my parents my mum insisted that my dad feed DS, wind him etc. I let him because it seemed churlish not to especially as I had asked Mum to feed him before.

After that, the next time we were at PIL my DH handed the baby and the feed to HIS mum (without asking me), obviously I couldn't say anything because my mum and dad have both fed the DS so why not his mum etc. I didn't really want MIL to feed DS but couldnt seem to find the words to say so without looking "precious" about DS also it would have annoyed DH very much.

We were at PIL again last week and the moment we got there FIL whisked DS off, then MIL did, and it was actually a full hour before I got to hold DS again (there was only the five of us there, was not a family party or anything) and that was only because he needed his nappy changing. DH handed bottle to FIL to feed DS, and FIL happily made a real mess of it, DS was spluttering but FIL didn't notice, I pointed it out but FIL took ages to react, I wanted to leap up and take DS out of FILs arms and feed DS myself properly but - it would have been rude!! so didn't.

Yesterday we went round to my parents in the afternoon. DS was fast asleep but we got him up so my parents and sister and BIL who were visiting, could see him properly (ie play with him, boom at him, jiggle about on knee a lot etc).

I prepared a feed for DS and my mum said "Is (DSIS) feeding him then" (more of a statement than a question). I said, "Er no, DH is feeding him!" (firmly). Went to toilet, came back and DSIS was feeding him. Was not happy but couldn't say anything without it looking bad.

Afterwards we went to see PIL. DS had fallen asleep on route because he is exhausted, and there again as soon as we arrived, MIL plucks him out of carseat, DS wakes and wails, MIL bounces him around saying "you're hungry aren't you" I said "Actually MIL, he's been fed, he's now TIRED" but she didn't listen, because that would mean putting him down again so he could sleep and she didn't want to put him down.

Because he'd had no proper naps he was all out of kilter last night, woke screaming at 3am this morning and hasn't settled since, usually he's a very placid baby. I have been up with him all night and this morning said to DH "Only you and me are to feed DS from now on plus if he's asleep NOBODY is to wake him up to "play" with, he's not a toy".

DH thinks I am being over the top and says its nice for family to get to know DS. Am I being over the top? How do I handle my over enthusiastic parents and PIL? I don't feel assertive enough.

Thanks if you're still reading.

chill out and enjoy the rest

ohh, congratulations on new baby!

I think you are so lucky to have involved and excited and functional grandparents for your little one.

I understand that at this stage in his life he probaly needs some quiet for feeding- so maybe use that as an excuse to go into a quiet room for a little while.
I agree that you never wake a sleeping baby!!!!

but, let it stress of it all go- they are jsut being excited and want to hold hima nd do stuff for him...
good luck!

Ha, I would be more chilled out if I'd had more than the 2.5hrs sleep I got!

Seriously, I am feeling hemmed in and compromised and this morning I have been tearful because I feel I've let DS down by letting everypne have their way, I should be protecting him. I don't want the feeling to escalate and I don't want to feel resentful or touchy over DS with parents and PIL.

Thanks oopsagain

I am grateful DS has two sets of loving GPs but my mum, MIL and FIL are all very forceful characters. (The only one who isn't is my dad).

I have handed DS over willingly because it's lovely for them to get to know him but now I feel like I've handed TOO much over IYSWIM.

When it comes to feeling like I can't ask to hold my own six week old baby after an hour at PIL then that's not right, surely.

congratulations
I know how you feel, it can feel like everyone is muscling in
maybe limit the visits
so if you are seeing family at the weekend you have all week with ds to yourself so you can do all the feeding etc and by the weekend you might like the help?

yesterday was obviously a busy family day because it was Mother's day, every weekend doesn't have to be visiting

I breastfed so didn't have this problem. I think it's OK other people feeding your baby if you ask them to, but it sounds as though husband and all the relatives are using feeding your baby as a power/kudos thing, especially if they are feeding him when it isn't necessary. It sounds as though you should have been more assertive with your MIL and insisted she put him down. I would have been angry at someone picking up a sleeping baby and would def not have let her feed him.
I would be firm with DH and all relatives and say people are only to feed your baby if asked to. If they keep being a pain and ignoring you cut down the visits.
Why do people make such a big thing about feeding a baby? They won't be as keen when he's a year old and making a mess with his good everywhere.

I dont think you are being over the top. I think that what oopsagain said about saying that your DS needs a quiet room might help. Im sure that I have read somewhere that even if a baby is bottle fed they shouldnt be fed by too many people? If that is true then maybe you could use that as an excuse reason?

Do what you think is right. Feeding a baby is more than food, even if bottlefeeding, it's about bonding and security for your baby. So if it feels wrong to have everyone else waking jiggling and feeding him then you're probably right to limit this. If you explain why (making him out of kilter) hopefully they will understand.

Thanks compo

I ts hard though because now they've all fed him, when we see them there is an expectation that they will get to do it every time.

I think it's now horribly confusing for DS. Not only does he have breast and bottle, he has me, DH, MIL, FIL, my mum, my dad, my sister, DH's sister - all feeding him, plus winding him differently. Its not fair, its turned into a circus and I don't know how to stop it.

I was like this with my dd, never got to hold her at family gatherings so I do understand. However, you will look back at this and laugh. We were at my mums yesterday for MDay and my sister was there with her 6 week old plus 3 older children and I was there with my 2. The new baby was practically ignored in the hullaballoo. No-one was fighting to hold her and her mum was delighted when my dp offered to feed her, poor love

2rebecca, there is definitely a power/kudos thing going on especially with the Mums. Also my mum getting my sister to feed the baby was about the fact that my sis doesn't want DCs and my mum was stirring it.

My MIL has had 4 DCs (the last 30years ago) therefore she is the last word on babies in her opinion.

My DH is very independant but still wants/likes/needs his parents approval hence I cant tell MIL what not to do I have to wait for DH to say something in case it offends MIL. DH is unlikely to say anything though also in case he offends her!!! Hence nothing gets said.

To be fair it would be the same in my parents house, DH would not tell my parents not to do something (even though I'd be fine if he did, he thinks it rude).

tigger - I will say that about bottle feeding, thank you, is a good suggestion.

tellnoone - you are right, its a shame I have only actually realised it this morning amongst my tears and frustration

Thanks mollythetortoise, that makes me feel loads better!

Perhaps its because DS is the first DGC, they are naturally excited, I know that.

I do love it that they all love him so much but I can't help feeling swept over and overlooked as his mum, plus there's not much support from DH (on this issue, he is usually very supportive).

When I've been out and about with my mum she insists on pushing him and showing him off to strangers. The one time I has holding him in a cafe another mum commented on how cute DS was and got chatting to me, mid conversation I find my Mum pulling DS out of my arms, if I hadnt let go it would have been a "tug of baby" so I was forced to hand him over. Afterwards she said sorry but said she thought I was busy talking so decided to take him off my hands

Floatylight

You will need to become more assertive with these four rellies of yours otherwise they will continue to walk over you and your H and leave you feeling unhappy and left out.

This is all about power and control; as 2rebecca rightly says this is indeed a power/kudos thing going on re the feeding.
Enthusiasm can quickly become very overpowering as you are seeing.

You are your son's parents and thus always have the final say. I would cut back on the number of visits to them all for a bit. If you let this drift though they will keep on doing it; you need to take some action now.

Also your DH needs to stand up more to his parents too; his primary loyalty should be to you as his wife. A lack of support from him at this time could well translate into resenting him from you at a time when you (as a new mum and still finding your feet) need his support more than ever.

I am sorry but you are being totally unreasonable.
I agree he is not a toy but as for the feeding thing you are over reacting big time.
And is is so over the top to say you feel like you have let your child down and should be protecting him... from what loving grandparents?
Relax of by time he gets to school you will have gone crazy.

Hi, I have 2 ds and your situation sounds very similar to mine. My PIL are so overpowering that when we are in their company I dont feel like im my ds's mummy anymore, and like you im not very assertive. I know that its exciting for the grandparents but they do have to respect that its your baby and what you say goes! It has taken me 2 children and 5 years later the courage to become more assertive. I would nip it in the bud now before they get worse as my PIL did. My mum did make a good point once, she said that my PIL are taking over because im letting them. I took her words of wisdom on board and things slowly got better

Thanks attila, I do like their enthusiasm but I don't want to feel left out which is what is happening more and more on these visits.

Kimi perhaps protective wasn't the best choice of word but when I feel that DS is being kept awake and passed around like a parcel for entertainment with DH & I dealing with the fallout when he is fractious and exhausted, then relatives or not, I DO feel protective.

MIL is also very big on talking to DS in baby voice usually saying negative things like: "Mummy doesn't care if I'm hot does she/Mummy I'm so hungry why are you starving me" (these were yesterday's comments for example.)

I have also had "Mummy why are you stroking my back, I haven't got any wind because you haven't fed me" (was soothing DS whilst waiting for bottle to sterilise). It is very irksome and she never says anything positive in the same tone either ie "Mummy I love it when you stroke my hair like that" or whatever I'm doing.

gemstones that is a good point abotut letting people do it. I am adamant today that I am going to start acting like DS's mother when with my parents/PIL instead of reverting to shy teenager mode.

"MIL is also very big on talking to DS in baby voice usually saying negative things like: "Mummy doesn't care if I'm hot does she/Mummy I'm so hungry why are you starving me" (these were yesterday's comments for example.)".

Oh yuck!.

The above is certainly not at all good for anyone to hear. Sounds like she is also misreading her role here. This can often escalate too and can get completely out of hand.

Your H (particularly him), infact anyone who hears her, should be picking her up immediately on this type of talk. This type of negative type utterance (and it smacks of disrespect towards you as well) should be swiftly acted upon by both of you. She needs to be brought back into line - if it means less visiting on your parts to them so be it.

Your MIL was a parent many years ago - she needs to let go (it sounds like she wants to be mummy again) and let you have your turn now. You are this child's mother and you have the final say.

You both need to stand up for yourselves for all your sakes. No more shy retiring teenage mode; you need to act more confident. Otherwise you will continue to feel both left out and walked over.

Just cut down on the bottles and breastfeed him during the day instead, no one going to be able to do that are they?

I agree with Atilla, and I think it is important that you start to deal with this now, before it becomes an established pattern that you are 'okay' with Don't sit and fester, SAY something. Clearly your MIL doesn't hold back, so you do the same only without the same passive-aggressive methods. Say directly "MIL I don't like it when you use my child to make digs at me - tell me if you think I am doing something wrong and I will tell you whether I agree with you."

Every family has to go through a bit of boundary/role rejigging but it is better that you take the lead.

I wouldn't say anything, IMO actions speak louder than words and you can be assertive with your actions rather than making a statement which is bound to lead to some resentment/bad feeling iyswim.
Just remember, he is your baby.
Firstly though, your ds is not going to suffer through other people feeding him, but if you feel you would rather be the one that did it then just don't hand him over. Don't have a hard and fast rule, just do as you feel is best, iyswim?

So if someone is holding the baby, then just go over and take him. If they can do it to you then you can do it to them. He is your baby, and you do what you want.

I was assertive like that. I never said anything, I just used to take him and that was an end to it.

I was very severely criticised for it though, but I had the courage of my convictions and I wasn't going to let them take over.

Things were harder with my mum, but I made my feelings very well known.

This could have been me writing this as well.

The feeding - i think your over-reacting abit but if he gets wond up its proberly due to the fact that hes overstimulated by everything rather than different ppl feeding him, now my DS is nearly 5 months old im quite happy to hand him over to my parents and PILs the moment I step into their place just so I can finish a cup of tea!! take advantage.

But anything else thats bothering you has to be nipped in the bud right off, at the end of the day your his mummy and if you wont stick up for him when he gets woken etc then who will?

Ive had to 'have words' on a couple of occations (and ive not cared whether or not DH was supportive) Ive had to tell his dad off for waking him (WHY WHY do they do this) on christmas day, had to have words when they kept going on about the evils of dummies.

Once they had him for a few hours when I was really ill - I arranged to come and get him at 5pm. 4:50pm they then TEXT to say their out with him and we cant get him till 6pm. That time I really went mad.

They've only ever done these things the once as I say something at the time, not let it fester or get resentful.

I can't believe tat your MIL says stuff like that. I don't think that is normally and think it's an awful way to talk about anyone, let alone someone you will have a longterm relationship with. If she says stuff like that again I'd be inclined to say "excuse me but can you say that again, I must have misheard as I thought you were making snide comments about my parenting to my child, and if you were I want an apology" or something similarly confrontational. She won't like it, but you have to nip this in the bud. I would never talk about anyone like that. Sometimes new parents do overwrap their babies though and excess heat is as bad as being too cold, but if mym mum had thought that when my eldest was wee I would prefer her to take me to one side and say "I think maybe he's got too many clothes on as it's quite warm in here" rather than make insulting comments for all to hear.

FloatyLight Congrats on the babe. I really sympathise with you. I too have been the same position lately and I'm afraid to say that I had to get a bit nasty in the end just to reclaim my son - not that I think you should get nasty btw. My MiL thought it was ok to pop round when she wanted, pick up DS when she wanted, feed him when he was obviously full - so full that she was pinning him down with his bottle with him kicking his legs all over the place to get away . She also took him from DH's arms half way through a feed so SHE could feed him. You won't be flavour of the month for a while but you need to put a stop to it now - this is YOUR baby. Your own mum and dad will probably understand and a quiet word with your mum will no doubt be enough, but the PILs will need the tough love and like me, you need to get DH on side. It took a while but a heart to heart over a bottle of wine did the trick for me. Sons love their mums, but they love us more. My MiL isn't talking to me at the moment (bliss, if I'm honest) because I have been calling the shots rather than her. She'll get over it, and so will yours.

Attilathemeerkat my MiL does that exact same thing. "oh, is mummy starving you" etc. Never "is horrible daddy starving you"

Floatylight,

It sounds difficult to deal with your inlaws, I hope things get better for you.

I have no idea how long you wish to breastfeed for or why you chose to mix feed in the first place, so if the following doesn't apply to you, please feel free to ignore my post.

I wanted to mention that many mothers who start mix feeding their babies from an early age, go on to have problems with their milk supplies and there is a documented link between early introduction of bottles leading to full time formula feeding.

For all I know this may be fine for you but I just wanted to check you knew this. If you notice your supply dropping and/or wanted helping moving to full time breastfeeding the Breast and Bottle board has great information and experts...ask for Tiktok she is fab.