New baby and extended family issue (long - sorry)

[Floatylight]

I have a 6wo baby DS who is the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Both sets of GPs live fairly close by, about 10 mins by car.

I am doing mixed feeding. Bottles in the day, breastfeeding evening/night/morning. When DS was 3wo my mum was round when I was bottle feeding DS, the phone rang and I asked her to finish feeding the baby which she did and really enjoyed doing, including all the winding etc etc.

The next time my DH & I visited my parents my mum insisted that my dad feed DS, wind him etc. I let him because it seemed churlish not to especially as I had asked Mum to feed him before.

After that, the next time we were at PIL my DH handed the baby and the feed to HIS mum (without asking me), obviously I couldn't say anything because my mum and dad have both fed the DS so why not his mum etc. I didn't really want MIL to feed DS but couldnt seem to find the words to say so without looking "precious" about DS also it would have annoyed DH very much.

We were at PIL again last week and the moment we got there FIL whisked DS off, then MIL did, and it was actually a full hour before I got to hold DS again (there was only the five of us there, was not a family party or anything) and that was only because he needed his nappy changing. DH handed bottle to FIL to feed DS, and FIL happily made a real mess of it, DS was spluttering but FIL didn't notice, I pointed it out but FIL took ages to react, I wanted to leap up and take DS out of FILs arms and feed DS myself properly but - it would have been rude!! so didn't.

Yesterday we went round to my parents in the afternoon. DS was fast asleep but we got him up so my parents and sister and BIL who were visiting, could see him properly (ie play with him, boom at him, jiggle about on knee a lot etc).

I prepared a feed for DS and my mum said "Is (DSIS) feeding him then" (more of a statement than a question). I said, "Er no, DH is feeding him!" (firmly). Went to toilet, came back and DSIS was feeding him. Was not happy but couldn't say anything without it looking bad.

Afterwards we went to see PIL. DS had fallen asleep on route because he is exhausted, and there again as soon as we arrived, MIL plucks him out of carseat, DS wakes and wails, MIL bounces him around saying "you're hungry aren't you" I said "Actually MIL, he's been fed, he's now TIRED" but she didn't listen, because that would mean putting him down again so he could sleep and she didn't want to put him down.

Because he'd had no proper naps he was all out of kilter last night, woke screaming at 3am this morning and hasn't settled since, usually he's a very placid baby. I have been up with him all night and this morning said to DH "Only you and me are to feed DS from now on plus if he's asleep NOBODY is to wake him up to "play" with, he's not a toy".

DH thinks I am being over the top and says its nice for family to get to know DS. Am I being over the top? How do I handle my over enthusiastic parents and PIL? I don't feel assertive enough.

Thanks if you're still reading.

Sorry, I meant FloatyLight re MiL comments

Oh Floatylight, I really feel for you. I had exactly this situation with my PILs when my DS was born (again, first grandchild both sides). I don't think you are over-reacting, the feelings you have are normal - of course you want to feed your son yourself, that is what all of your hormones and instincts are telling you to do. And it is more about giving food, it is about bonding and loving too.

Unfortunately babies can sometimes bring out strange, controlling behaviour from GPs and this is especially difficult to deal with when they are your in-laws and your DH wont say anything (my DH despite usually being a forceful man seems unable and unwilling to confront his parents about anything, so again I had the same problem).

As the feeding issue is important for you then you have to be kind but firm and explain that you will be feeding the baby from now on. Perhaps use something else as an excuse - eg. my HV told me that it is best for baby to be used to only one or two people feeding as it helps to develop a good routine. Something like that.

I spoke my MIL when she was alone and just explained that because I had so many problems breastfeeding that it was a really sensitive issue for me and so it was important that I did it myself. I made myself out to be slightly neurotic but I got the message across.

Don't forget though that they are only acting out of love and excitement for their new DGS. Perhaps you could compromise and offer to let them wind baby afterwards. That way they feel involved and they will be the ones getting puked on

Hope you get it sorted out and it will get better. DS is now 5 months and the excitement levels of the PILs has eased to slightly below hysterical

Nip it in the bud.
My mil used to make a fuss about feeding dd. I stopped her feeding dd when mil's phone rang and she went off to answer it mid feeding dd, leaving dd crying
That was the last time she fed dd. She has never fed ds.

It's this kind of thing that made me stand up to her as it was MY dd suffering. Likewise YOUR ds is not happy, by the sounds of it due to being passed round like a parcel.

The message I'm getting here is that there could be a bit of a competition brewing. Stop it in it's tracks.

Nice gps are enthusiastic however it will easier tackling your family than ils.

If you wan't mil / fil to back off or are stung by comments and really can't talk to them - some strong actions might do the trick.

I don't suppose your little one will really notice the number of feeders but it's hard to get them to settle when their overstimulated. I had this and it drove me nuts - this is possibly why you're feeling this is all very difficult- becuase you are the one up nights and wanting to get your baby into a routine - overstimulating is a great way to get that little fledgling routine out of kilter - and how.

Your baby - nice to share - but when you want.

Nip the inlaws thing in the bud and at the same time have a quick chat your mum. If you don't this could escalate and given they both live near, and depending on their rapport, they could end up competing against each other.

Wow, thanks everyone, for your help and support and kind messages.

I am feeling a bit brighter this evening as I have a new resolve to have more clearly defined boundaries.

Have spent today going back to basics with DS, have done a lot of bonding, skin to skin and keeping him close to me when on the move, in a sling. He was very out of sorts for most of the morning but by late afternoon the smiles and gurgles crept back in and he is now napping peacefully .

I am going to respond to MIL when she makes the "Mummy I'm starving" or whatever comments. I think I will actually just tackle it head on ie "MIL, DS is not starving". "MIL, DS is tired now so I'm going to put him down for a nap".

I will simply focus on what is best for DS, IMO, as his mother, and bring that about, so MIL will be dealt with by default IYSWIM.

babieseverywhere and louii thanks for the pointers re BF. The trouble is I have big BBs and cannot make BF look discreet in any way, as I need various cushions and other props like muslins stuffed underneath for support and I get very bad backache because it's hard to maintain a position for DS to get a decent latch. I only have to move slightly and the whole thing need rearranging again.

There's no way I could feed DS in cafes or anywhere else without all the props (literally - propping my BBs up), so the compromise is that I BF as much as possible when in private and have got DS used to FF and bottles for when we are out and about. I considered giving up on BF altogether but although painful and awkward the benefits for DS to get some breastmilk are worth it.

Thanks again to you all for responding, because I do feel a lot better now hearing that others go through similar with PILs etc. I was spitting mad/upset this a.m. due to DS being so upset and lack of sleep and mostly being annoyed with myself for being so blardy spineless, but I think I have gathered the confidence to do things differently from now on.

Hurray, glad you are feeling better Floatylight, that all sounds very positive

trying her best funnily enough they DO compete already.

They get on well enough on the surface, but they are both matriarchs and neither is prepared to back down to the other.

MIL keeps talking about getting a nursery at their house for DS complete with all equipment for when he stays overnight which she honestly thinks will be quite soon bear in mind he is only 6 weeks old. Mum has asked me to let her know if and when MIL gets this stuff basically so Mum can get kitted out just the same. After all, if MIL can do it then she can do it, and vice versa.

Thanks PhoebeLaura

Floatylight, I also am well blessed in the nork department, and once I got over the confidence issues, I realised that I was no less discreet than anyone else. In fact, from casual observation of other breastfeeders at baby groups, large norks can be be a bonus. I used to sit cross-legged on the floor, DS on my lap, while he fed.

Once I'd got the hang of things and fed in the relatively "safe" environment of baby groups, I found that I had far more confidence to feed anywhere I liked. I was also able to ditch the pillows, cushions, muslins and other paraphrenalia as I no longer needed them once DS and I got more proficient at breastfeeding.

I mix feed (in fact, DS is now 2.5 and is still breastfeeding) so it can work for some. I think generally though, it does have an impact on supply.

I'm pretty sure I would not have breastfed for long if it wasn't for my MIL disapproving of my choices and angling to bottlefeed DS, so I do understand.

Oh floaty - bf and big breasts. I know......... As a new mum I'd go to meet other new mums in the park and they just whopped them out. Erm - 32G tits and old was not so easy and it did cause problems as it could only be done with a couple of cushions and few minutes to arrange! So at coffeeshops and out and about was a nono so I did spend my days being stuck at home.

Well, my mum cannot stand mil as she's been competing with me for motherhood since the birth and now with my mum. I tell her not to rise to it - it's just sooooooo pathetic to watch - got a great series of pics where you see mil intercepting any attempt by ds to go to my mum and then lovely shot of the mil pulling the most nasty face at my mum's back!

Honestly - if you can nip it in the bud from whoever it's coming from - do so!!!!

I think you're doing a brilliant job. Yep, and routines can be really time consuming till you feel your baby is in the one that suits the both of you - then you tend to not worry so much about other people feeding, bouncing etc. All normal.

floatylight, if i was bf i swear pil would have whisked Ds away as soon as he was born. he's now almost 8mths and when they come to stay i feel like i don't see him all weekend. seriously, you need to start making the rules now and you need to make sure they listen to you. i (and DP) get completely ignored until we repeatedly tell them we don't want X, Y and Z to happen but B is ok etc. As for waking a sleeping baby...they did this at the weekend after completely ignoring what I'd asked them to do ie leave DS in his pushchair sleeping in the hall. mil wanted to sit in the garden with him so they carried the pushchair through the house. unsurprisingly DS woke up
anyhow, what i'm saying is trust your maternal instinct and keep a hold of that little boy of yours

Like llareggub and tryinghernbest I have very big breasts. At the beginning I had a lot of difficulty feeding in public and thought I would never 'be discrete' But things get easier, I found the best ways for me to nurse without pillows and now I am nursing a toddler !!!

Couple of suggestions for breastfeeding with big breasts :-

: Use a breast sling or a normal sling to hold your baby/breast in relative posisition without the need to hold your breast/use pillows or stuff muslim under breast.

: Use a different position to nurse, many mums with large breasts find the underarm 'rugby hold' works easier and requires (after practice) no pillows.

: Use a nursing cover to build your confidence whilst feeding. Some mums find these covers attract more attention than just latching the baby on, however other mums (me included) find them very helpful in the early months.

: Nursing in front of family/inlaws can be embarrassing at first. However IME the more you do it, the better you feel and the less comments the family make. Plus you can use a nursing cover in your house if you want to.

Lastly if you want to preserve your milk supply and breastfeed for a few more months, have you considered expressing your milk just before you need it ?

Then your breasts are not having such a long gap between feeds (which is the bit which damages the milk supply) and you could bottle feed expressed milk when you need/want to bottlefeed in public ?

YANBU I have been in same situation. I would visit less if they get more overbearing, before it gets worse, and only you and DH feed DS.

Sorry, I have just reread your last post OP. You mention you are still finding breastfeeding painful and your back hurts when you feed. Maybe your nursing position and baby's latch might be improved to help/stop the pain ?

Do you have a local breastfeeding support group where someone can watch you feed and give you some advice ?

Or ring one of the breastfeeding support lines, on right hand side page of this page Hunker's site

Thanks again all for your very helpful advice.

I saw my parents today and told them we had had a bad time with DS yesterday so we have decided that only DH & I will feed him also that we will not wake him up from naps just so people can "play" with him.

They are very supportive of that which was good.

Am seeing MIL this week and will say the same to her. Hopefully, if I outline our position on these points before they come up as an issue then that would help, eg next time we visit if DS is asleep then MIL should already know we will not be waking him so she won't try it.

Re BF, the latch isn't painful nor is supply affected, but the back pain is due the nursing position because I have to contort myself to stay static and ensure DS stays latched on. There are times when the cushions slip or move and I reposition/relatch DS 10, 11, 12 times in a BF session, often only moments apart, which is frustrating for both him and me.

I have tried the rugby position and it just didn't work for me. I am also 32G tryingherbest and they need an awful lot of scaffold!!

That's sounding positive. My kids didn't stay with grandparents overnight without us being there until they were 6 or 7. I find the idea of leaving young babies overnight unless you really have to a bit odd. I suppose our parents live some distance away, but even so I'd sooner have a babysitter if going out for the evening and know that we are there if there's a problem during the night and for in the morning.
If the grandparents are just 10 minutes away and wanting to babysit I'd insist they come to your house and get driven home afterwards. That's better for the children.

Glad to hear your parents are supportive floatylight. Is there any way they could be around to back up when you speak to the MiL, or is that best approached on a one-to-one basis?

2Rebecca When my DS was about 3 weeks old, my SiL and MiL offered to take him for a night to "give me a rest". I still find it odd that they even thought for a minute that I'd part with my baby even an hour never mind a whole night. He wont be staying over anywhere until he's at least 16

2rebecca - MIL has said "Anytime you want to go out for the night you can just drop him off with us" which is of course a nice offer of babysitting BUT why is it logical to organise for DS to sleep in a strange place (ie not his own bed), having to pack everything he might need to take with him and also risk waking him up when we collect him?

I just know that if we said "MIL, please would you babysit but it would need to be at our house" she would not be happy as she is much happier being the host than the guest, in the nicest possible way she likes to be the Queen Bee.

Also probably because she'd be more comfortable in her own house, of course. But that would be at the expense of DS's comfort as he would undoubtedly be more comfortable in his own cot than a travel cot at PILs. At least until he's quite a lot older.

HarryB - Thanks for your post. Its probably best to approach seperately as my mum and MIL are uneasy friends and there is a little bit of competition between them, since DS was born they've not spoken much. I think MIL is irked that my mum has easier access to DS (I don't actually see my mum any more than MIL as have tried to play it very fair re no. of visits), but there's not the same closeness.

I know exactly how you feel about this. Familyi weren't so bad, but a friend was a nightmare over this - as was her mother! - they would literally take dd and run off with her, and then try to settle her if she cried rather than giver her back to me. I remember being incensed because they'd put her back in her pram and were jiggling it and for some reason it really, really annoyed me (she didn't like jiggling!!!, in fact she never cried so it was clearly them) . All seems a bit daft now - but I'm quite sure it was something instinctive in me that said "Hey! That's MY baby".

I found that the older dd got the more confident I got about what unsettled dd and what didn't, what I felt was acceptable for her and what wasn't, and became more assertive in the way I put it across (and felt having done that).

I remember in the early weeks I wasn't that confident about being a mum and thought that my mum, MIL and sister all knew better than me because they'd been there, done it.

Well my 32G's werene't really staying up of their own accord and at 5ft I could barely see my baby over them.

Oddly I was taught the ruby position - great when the midwife was there to help, not so great when alone.

I found sitting crosslegged with cushions across my legs and baby's head pointing to the left on th eleft breast seemed to work.

But gosh I remember how hard it was! And the size of breasts certainly doesn't affect milk production! I did ALOT of expressing to get the old flow going but as I had a Csection and was in hospital for a bit after it took ages to the get the bf going.

Have to say I never managed it in public- would have taken me ages to get into position and ensure little one wasn't being suffocated by me!

Anyway - well done on getting your parents on board. Good luck with mil

You'r sounding a bit happier these last few days -hope it's working out well for you.

Update - I saw MIL and she was ok, I managed to subtley get across that as DH & I had had such a bad night with DS we were going to be sticking closely to his naps from now on.

MIL still did the "Mummy, you are starving me" comment again (just for the record she is not hinting she thinks he's thin, he is a chubster heading for the 75th percentile!!). I replied in exactly the same tone, "Mummy isn't starving me, Mummy wouldnt even dream of it." There followed a pause as MIL didn't quite know how to respond to that

Surfermum, see, I personally wouldn't presume to try and settle someone else's baby with the Mum present!! Why on earth do people think they can do better than the mum, unless the mum has asked for their help.

tryingherbest, I hate my BBs, they are a trial to me and I also have to be careful not to suffocate DS!! BF is so much more awkward with big BBs.

Great news FloatyLight, and fab way you handled the starving comments. My DS is 75th percentile too and MiL still says stuff like that to me. It really pulls at your heart strings doesn't it - even though we know that our babies are definitely not starving.

We too are making progress and have got the MiL's visits down to once a week, although she did try to come round this week, but DH got to her first by phone and said I was busy. It's all power games isn't it. She doesn't like me calling the shots, and I don't like her calling the shots. The difference is: this is my baby, my life.

I can't comment on BF as I didn't produce any milk - was hilarious to my friends as I'm a 36E.

"MIL still did the "Mummy, you are starving me" comment again (just for the record she is not hinting she thinks he's thin, he is a chubster heading for the 75th percentile!!). I replied in exactly the same tone, "Mummy isn't starving me, Mummy wouldnt even dream of it." grin There followed a pause as MIL didn't quite know how to respond to that"

Excellent

You've handled it so much better than I would. I'd be tempted to gently remind MIL that talking to people who aren't there was very concerning behaviour and so maybe it was time to consider a home

Your mil's comments make me on your behalf. This is about power. Tell her that these negative comments are rude and upsetting you or she will not learn.

I still can't get my head around people waking a sleeping baby! I don't even have kids yet, but the last time I dared to wake a sleeping baby I was six years old and thought my new baby brother was my personal toy. My mom would tell me I couldn't play with him until he woke up...so I'd sneak in and poke at him until he started to stir, then run and tell mom 'baby's awake!'

So odd that some adults don't have the sense to leave your DC to sleep! Poor kid!