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Original poster

Mother's day, feeling upset

46 replies

PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 07:44

I might be being unreasonable here so do feel free to tell me if you thing I am...

I have a 5 mth old DS so yesterday was my first Mother's day. I was feeling excited about celebrating something so special although I knew that my husband wanted to work on our garden I thought he would take a little bit of time out to do something nice together.

When we got up he didn't mention it so I reminded him what day it was and he said he had a card for me. To be fair it was a very sweet card with a nice message.

He then got up and dressed at 7am and said he was going to make a start on the garden. He said he hadn't planned anything for Mother's day because he was going to be so busy with the garden he wouldn't have time to do anything else. i was a bit upset but tried to rationalise it that he was working on improving the house for all of us. Then his sister called to say she was coming over and he stopped work for 2 hours whilst he spoke to her and also made a long skype call to his mum. The minute they left he walked straight past me without saying a word and went into the garden to carry on working. When I asked if he wanted lunch he said in a minute and then didn't come in the house for half an hour by which time I was so annoyed I decided to take DS out for a walk.

When I got back I was left to look after DS and put him to bed. When DH finally came inside after dark he wanted to know what was wrong and I explained all of this and said I hadn't expected presents or anything, just a bit of time together, a glass of wine in the garden or a coffee and that I couldn't see why he managed to find time for his sister but not me.

He went mad saying I was completely unreasonable and that he was doing the garden for my benefit (I have not been nagging him to do the garden, it is something he really wanted to have done). I was so upset I went to bed and he slept on the sofa.

We haven't spoken since but he works really long hours so we won't really see each other again until saturday.

I am really upset about this as I just wanted to celebrate what I see as a special day. Instead I was left to look after DS as usual. Part of me though is wondering if i am just being a spoilt petulant child. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Lindenlass · 23/03/2009 07:50

Sorry, I think you are being a bit unreasonable - why didn't you tell him that was what you wanted, rather than hope he'd work it out for himself? I wonder if there are worse things going on in your relationship for a small thing like this to put you sleeping separately and not talking! You need to sort these things out if you want to stay happily married, or you'll spend your entire life either 'not speaking' (which I never understand!) or sleeping separately (which I also never understand!).

piratecat · 23/03/2009 07:52

he didn't make any effort really, didn't even bloody spend time in your pressence!

yanbu, yet, what sory of man is he usually, with this sort of thing you have to look at it it and qiestion if it was out of character. Men do have weird priorities sometimes, without realising. To him he was doing the garden, doing man work, a good thing. It sounds as tho he needed to get out in the fresh air tbh, Yet maybe i am making excusues for him. Your day ended up being the same as any other, when you so wanted it to be special.

Original poster
PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 07:54

Thanks for your reply Lindenlass. Yes there are other issues going on which i guess is why little things blow up.

You are right that I should have told him what i wanted. I guess i feel like he should be able to see for himself and do things without me having to tell him.

I guess i need to look at my own behaviour

OP posts:
Lindenlass · 23/03/2009 07:57

I didn't mean to be unkind, btw. But I recognise myself in you, and it's only through being married a good few years and having a good few children that I've learnt that I have got to stop myself hoping he'll notice things or think of things - he's not a mind-reader, which is very annoying but also perfectly natural!

I think you need to be more honest with eachother about how you're feeling and never leave arguments un-sorted-out! Otherwise you'll spend your lives seething with resentment and anger with eachother .

I do think he was a bit thoughtless, FWIW, but only a bit.

Dozymare · 23/03/2009 07:59

YANBU - i think his behaviour is very mean, I am sure you have discussed how much you were looking forward to your 1st mother's day and you should have been spoilt rotten (not necessarily materialistic stuff I might add) but a lie-in, nice family walk etc. It should have been about what you wanted to do, not him.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2009 08:00

Well, you're not his mother. Most men probably don't see past that [sweeping generalisation].

Original poster
PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 08:04

Point taken soupdragon. I guess I just see it as a celebration of having a child. I didn't expect gifts or anything just a bit of recognition that it was a special day for me.

OP posts:
Lindenlass · 23/03/2009 08:08

But the point is, it sounded like it just didn't occur to him. It's very thoughtless and stupid of him, but reason enough for separate sleeping and not speaking to eachother????

FioFio · 23/03/2009 08:13

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TotalChaos · 23/03/2009 08:15

yanbu - because I don't think you desperately wanted lavish gifts, just a bit of attention and affection.

JackBauer · 23/03/2009 08:16

I think you are overreasting a little bit, he didn't forget, he did get you a card but maybe he didn't realise that you wanted more than that?
As Soupy said, you arent his mum, I don't expect anything from DH rather than supervision while DD's destroy table decorate a card as it is not supposed to be from him.

QuintessentialShadow · 23/03/2009 08:16

It is true that you are not his mother.

I know you wanted a nice day and some appreciation that you are now also a mother. I dont think men think that way. For sure mine doesnt, and he does not expect anything for Fathers day either.

Mothersday did not really have any part of my life until my children were old enough to make something in nursery or school for me. This is what counts. You have a few more years of your husband just doing a token thing on behalf of your child.

Our children are 6 and 3. Our oldest started bringing cards back from nursery that they had made around the age of 2. Nothing beats seeing a happy child clutching something they have made, and proudly presents mum, expecting lots of hugs and kisses in return. This is what mothers day is all about. Not flowers, and presents, and meals out from your husband. You have your anniversary and your birthday for that.

Original poster
PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 08:22

I suppose I expected us to do something nice as a family or for him to take DS for a while to give me a break as I do all the childcare all week. I guess I should have told him rather than expecting him to mind read.

No i haven't lost my mum thankfully. What makes you say that Fio?

OP posts:
Original poster
PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 08:24

Thanks everyone. Nothing like MN for some honest responses! (even if they are hard to face up to?)

OP posts:
FioFio · 23/03/2009 08:25

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fishie · 23/03/2009 08:27

maybe you should have gone to do something nice for your mum then?

i really hate mother's day, causes such a lot of expectations which almost always lead to disappointment. my family has never celebrated it and i am very grateful for that. not that i'd spurn a handmade card of course.

Original poster
PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 08:29

she lives 300 miles away and we were unable to see her this weekend. we are seeing her next week.

OP posts:
FioFio · 23/03/2009 08:30

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Original poster
PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 08:32

Yeah it's looking great

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 23/03/2009 08:32

Was he maybe wondering why you were not out helping him?

I love gardening, and found gardening with my kids at that age blissful, they were so keen to look at what I was doing. It was nice. Fond memories of early motherhood and gardening.

FioFio · 23/03/2009 08:32

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Original poster
PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 08:40

Well it was heavy work - patio and fencing rather than gardening as such. He hates anyone being near him when he's doing DIY as he gets annoyed so i've learnt to keep away. I'd love to help but he told me I couldn't as I'm not strong enough to carry and lift things (I'm tiny). I've got green fingers so i'll be doing the plants once the heavy work is done.

OP posts:
Greenparrot · 23/03/2009 08:41

You have every right to feel unappreciated.Mothers Day should be a very special day and I think men/Dads should make a big effort to make you feel loved.Motherhood is tough and it is what you do right now with all of your heart and soul.You deserve all of those lovely things you mentioned.Some kind words,a walk together,coffee made throughout the day and at the very least a nice meal wether it be breakfast ,lunch or tea!

QuintessentialShadow · 23/03/2009 08:42

The planting is fun.

I did all the landscaping (and prior planning) myself in our garden, even paving and paths.

Original poster
PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 09:16

DH came in half an hour ago (he had moved from the sofa to our bed whilst I was on MN and obviously decided to go into work late).

I said I was sad that he had decided to sleep on the sofa last night and sad that we had argued. He said he hadn't meant to and that he had fallen asleep because he was so exhausted from all the heavy work he had done and now he had to go to work having not spent any of the weekend with DS. He was obviously really angry. I told him that he could have got up at 7 this morning and fed and played with DS but he chose to sleep in. He then went mad at me and said that he would have done if he had not been so exhausted from all the gardening and stomped off to work without even a kiss goodbye.

I just can't win. It is his choice to work on the house and his choice to stay up late watching TV and his choice to stay in bed in the morning and miss out on time with DS and yet I get all the blame. I know I was being a bit unreasonable yesterday but I think it's all these other feelings that make me overreact.

I just don't know what to say to him anymore.

OP posts: