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Original poster

Mother's day, feeling upset

46 replies

PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 07:44

I might be being unreasonable here so do feel free to tell me if you thing I am...

I have a 5 mth old DS so yesterday was my first Mother's day. I was feeling excited about celebrating something so special although I knew that my husband wanted to work on our garden I thought he would take a little bit of time out to do something nice together.

When we got up he didn't mention it so I reminded him what day it was and he said he had a card for me. To be fair it was a very sweet card with a nice message.

He then got up and dressed at 7am and said he was going to make a start on the garden. He said he hadn't planned anything for Mother's day because he was going to be so busy with the garden he wouldn't have time to do anything else. i was a bit upset but tried to rationalise it that he was working on improving the house for all of us. Then his sister called to say she was coming over and he stopped work for 2 hours whilst he spoke to her and also made a long skype call to his mum. The minute they left he walked straight past me without saying a word and went into the garden to carry on working. When I asked if he wanted lunch he said in a minute and then didn't come in the house for half an hour by which time I was so annoyed I decided to take DS out for a walk.

When I got back I was left to look after DS and put him to bed. When DH finally came inside after dark he wanted to know what was wrong and I explained all of this and said I hadn't expected presents or anything, just a bit of time together, a glass of wine in the garden or a coffee and that I couldn't see why he managed to find time for his sister but not me.

He went mad saying I was completely unreasonable and that he was doing the garden for my benefit (I have not been nagging him to do the garden, it is something he really wanted to have done). I was so upset I went to bed and he slept on the sofa.

We haven't spoken since but he works really long hours so we won't really see each other again until saturday.

I am really upset about this as I just wanted to celebrate what I see as a special day. Instead I was left to look after DS as usual. Part of me though is wondering if i am just being a spoilt petulant child. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 23/03/2009 09:30

You both need some time to calm down.

Your baby is only young. It takes a while to adjust to parenthood, the division of labour in the house has changed, you are not so available to do other things as you were before. He works full time, has only the weekends to do home improvements, and would most likely want some family time too. It is hard to accommodate the needs and wishes of everybody. But he is responsible for his choices.

Maybe it would work if you talk about the upcoming week and weekend beforehand so you have a plan? It is easier to ensure everybody get to do what they want if they communicate to the other party what this is. Nobody can read minds, and I know we really want our partner to just "see" what we need and accommodate this, but that rarely works.

dmo · 23/03/2009 09:35

feel so sorry for your DH

he works long hours all week, he worked all day in the garden doing proper work he was tried not seen you or his son all weekend and he is back to work again today and all that happens is he gets nagged at, dont know why he bothered i am sure he would have rather stayed indoors on sunday and gone for tea out but he prob thought a lovely present for you would be to have a nice garden for the summer

Strawbezza · 23/03/2009 09:40

I think a full day's work on the garden is a fantastic Mother's Day present! Far better than flowers, chocs or anything just bought in two minutes from a shop. And he did get you a card... and you aren't his mother.

He probably thinks he deserved some TV time after all that hard graft, which meant he slept in this morning. He could have thought that one out a bit better!

Can you phone/text/email him at work? Maybe offer the olive branch - something along the lines of "I think we both over-reacted a bit... the garden does look lovely though". Give him a chance to apologise too?

compo · 23/03/2009 09:42

but dmo it was is choice to work in the garden all day yesterday and not spend time with his son
he could have gardened all morning and then gone out with his wife and son in the afternoon
why should he blame the OP for his decisions?

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 09:45

Thanks for your thoughtful response QS.

I guess we are adjusting. I am finding it hard to have given up my career to look after DS (although I love him with all my heart and love being a Mum to him). DH and I met at Uni and were always on an equal footing intellectually and financially but now his career has taken off and mine was on hold while we tried for a baby so i never really got to where I wanted to be. My baby brain has meant that I have lost my ability to think logically and you are right I am less available to do things in the house as my time is taken up with DS. I guess I just feel a bit useless at the moment.

Sorry I'm waffling at a tangent.

Anyway, I like the idea about planning the week and weekend beforehand and I think it would appeal to DH.

I know I am prone to sulking and giving the silent treatment and I am trying ever so hard to stop behaving like that and instead talk through what is bothering me.

Apologies if I am being a bit incoherent, it feels good to write all of this down though.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 23/03/2009 09:46

Maybe because he was upset that she did not seem to appreciate his efforts and was angry that he was knackered and overslept rather than letting her have a lie in while fed the baby before work?

Strawbezza · 23/03/2009 09:46

I don't think he gardened in the afternoon to deliberately annoy the OP, he probably did it because he wanted to get the job finished while the weather was good. He's a man, he can't read minds, and the OP didn't actually explain what she was expecting from him for M Day.

He's angry because he thought he was doing the right thing, now it turns out it was wrong.

QuintessentialShadow · 23/03/2009 09:46

sorry that came across a bit harsh...

QuintessentialShadow · 23/03/2009 09:50

You know, it is early days, but when your day is older you will be able to apply some of your "career efficency" into motherhood. You will have to delegate, time manage, project manage (even if the projects are building and painting rockets out of cardboard boxes), communicate effectively with your partner without letting your emotions run away with you (like I suspect you did this weekend), etc.

Your brain may feel like it is in a fog, but it will lighten up. Before you know it, you may decide to put your baby in nursery, and re-embark your career. But if you chose not to, that is ok too. Being a sahm is a no lesser option. You just have to work out what works best for your family. And planning ahead and communicating is KEY.

QuintessentialShadow · 23/03/2009 09:51

but when your day is older

when your BABY is older

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 09:52

He has only ever got up with the baby in the week once or twice. He either stays in bed like this morning or gets up and goes straight to work. He likes to stay up late and get up late. i don't blame him for that, after all I'm not working so it is my job to look after DS. It does annoy me when he then moans about it though.

I guess I should make it clearer to him that I appreciate what he's done in the garden though. Maybe a text is a good idea.

OP posts:

higgle · 23/03/2009 09:56

This is just a man thing really, they seem to think that we get excited about them doing lots of DIY stuff and feel unappreciated when we don't respond positively to it and don't understand the nuances of doing nice things together and cards and flowers etc. without a lot of re education. It has taken 17 years for me to get what I want and sort of expect for mothers day ( cards presented at a reasonable time, tea in bed and a little something - not expensive ) I told DS1 that as it was his last mother's day at home before uni he really ought to get it right this time, and he and his brother came in triumphant with tea, cards and orchid in pot. Unfortunately teapot ended up getting dropped on bed and I got scalded legs and a lot of washing to do. I just thing that mothers and daughters are better at these sort of things than sons and the combination of husband and sons is not likely to result in happy mothers days without a lot of training! cheer up PhoebeLaura, you are not alone.

QuintessentialShadow · 23/03/2009 09:57

Send him a text.
Do grab a chance later to have a chat with him about some weekend planning. Be a bit pro active and come up with actual suggestions, including a mention of who has a lie in on what day.

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 09:58

Thanks higgle, your post made me laugh. 17 years puts my situation into perspective

OP posts:

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 10:00

Thanks QS. You are all so kind (even when being harsh!). It's like having lots of sisters to turn to for help.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 23/03/2009 10:05

Floatylight · 23/03/2009 10:26

YANBU to want more attention on your 1st Mothers day, it is very special.

I think your DH realises he could have made more of an effort (especially as he found time to see his sister yesterday) and has reacted defensively. However he probably sees doing the garden as investment for your and DS to make it nicer to be in as summer's coming up.

I think you need to pre-agree a format for days like these for the future, to avoid a repeat. It was my 1st Mothers day too yesterday but DH and I had talked during the week and both agreed it would be nice to go for a walk in the park with DS, have coffee and cake at the cafe there, then have a nice meal together at home before visiting our parents.

DH didn't think of all this by himself and I went and bought the ingredients for our meal so it was a joint effort rather than DH doing it all, but that was great by both me and him, and we had a lovely walk and meal. DH didn't feel the weight of expectation on him because we had jointly agreed well in advance and I didn't wonder what if anything DH had planned.

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 11:50

I guess that's part of the problem - DH rarely gets back from work before I'm in bed so we don't really get to talk much during the week and then events like these become really pressured because they are so special to me.

He always gets very defensive when I say anything to him, it's very difficult to explain how I feel without it blowing up.

Anyway, Floatylight, sounds as if you made a much better job of approaching Mother's day than I did

OP posts:

ActingNormal · 23/03/2009 20:01

I agree with Higgle that this is probably a man thing. Things like Mothers' Day and anniversaries don't seem to mean as much to them as to us. We like the little things which show thoughtfulness but men can't really be arsed with those things and wouldn't want those things themselves so they don't really think of them. I can see why your DH would think that doing a big 'man's job' in the garden was a big thing to do for you because that is the sort of thing a man would appreciate. I also agree that to get what you want it is best to discuss and plan it in advance and say that the day is special to you and how you would like it to be.

I also agree with whoever said that it takes a while to settle into the new division of labour after having kids and find a way where both of you feel that your efforts are appreciated. Me and my DH have found sometimes that we are both so knackered that we don't have much time left for each other after we've done all we have to do and then feel like the other one doesn't care how much we have done. It becomes a competition of who is the most tired sometimes! I think your new roles need to be talked about and agreed upon what you feel is fair.

Hesdoneitagain · 23/03/2009 20:16

My husband and I had difficulties after our DD was born (we're now divorced, sorry not helpful I know). We were both finding re-adjusting to life with a baby very difficult, in terms of workloads, lack of sleep, lack of together time etc.

A book I wished I'd had back then is Babyshock, I think its by Relate. May help you clear your head if there are deeper issues going on. X

Original poster

PhoebeLaura · 23/03/2009 21:14

Thanks hesdoneitagain, i'll look that up.

OP posts:

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