On the verge of adultery

[numbs]

I have been married 3 years. Me and DH have everything in common and we have a comfortable life. Not many falling outs over the years, he is good to me, I can't fault him really. But I have never fancied him. We just sort of fell into a relationship. Because we had so much in common, we spent alot of time together and before I knew it, we were in a full blown relationship, living together, engaged, married, the lot. But I was happy so I never regretted it as such.

However recently I have become friendly with a man from work. We also have a lot in common, we laugh a lot, I AM attracted to him. I can't stop thinking about him. We started texting and they became riskier and more and more 'over the line'. We have started emailing. He has told me he feels the same way about me. We have met up for a drink a couple of times and now its got to the point where we were considering going away for a weekend together. I would obviously have to lie to DH. Which I have been doing a lot lately.

I don't want to hurt DH, I do love him, just not in the right way and whilst I was prepared to just 'make do' before because we were ignorently happy, I'm starting to want more and DH just can't satisfy that. At the same time, the thought of losing DH makes me feel sick. I would also lose DSD which would hurt us both. I have tried to keep away from the other bloke but I just can't I don't know what to do. Do I tell DH I'm not happy? I know I shouldn't go on this weekend, but the way I feel right now, I probably will. I just don't know what to do next

"I have tried to keep away from the other bloke but I just can't"
If your family matters to you as much as you say it does, oh yes you can. You do know what to do next, really, but you don't want to admit it. If the real issue is that you're not happy with your dh, deal with that by talking to him/getting counselling/ultimately, leaving him, if that's right for you. Don't throw him away indirectly by messing around with this other guy.

If you have made your mind up to go with this other man, why post?

Please talk to your husband. This isn't fair on him. For all you know he might want out. Have you thought about that?

I had an emotional affair (just emails/chats) and that was bad enough. Don't mess up things for your husband, at least talk to him before you break his heart.

Oh please don't act on these feelings. So you don't fancy your husband? But you are happy with him, just 'distracted'.

I left an awful man who was good looking. A total fucking shit but good looking. Of course it takes a while to know what somebody is really like.

What you are enjoying is just the 'frisson'. Go bungee jumping, horse riding, abseiling.. Run ten miles in a race for life.

Don't walk like a lemming towards self destruction.

Stay away. Don't go this weekend, if you do, you'll end up sh&gging undoubtedly and then you won't be able to make an even-vaguely objective/sensible decision about all of this. Can't you go away with your DH and explain to him you're feeling a bit wobbly (you certainly don't need to tell him everything though). If things really aren't good, how about counselling? At the very least I'd say sort stuff out with DH one way of the other before you launch into something with man-from-work.

As someone who had a crap marriage and who threw away everything for a man at work I do sympathise. The man from work & I didn't end up togegther, my heart was broken and my head completely f**ked, , but I got divorced and met someone new.

Hope this helps

you sit dwn with dh, off load all your feelings about your marriage and tell him you feel like you're drifting apart, etc, but leave the other bloke out of the discussion for now? like other posters, yor dh might know something's wrong, or feel down about things too, and will probably welcome you being honest and talking to him rather than being completely self indulgent and sh*tting on him. sorry, but if your other bloke really loves you, he'd step back to let you get yourself straightened out rather than encouraging you to walk into a situation that could ruin your marriage and leave you feeling even more alone than ever.

pllease talk to your dh and tell your other bloke to jusrt wat, if you can't face saying no outright to him.

Dont do it, there is a huge diffeentce betwen the excitement of an affair and real life. My H had an affair and I chucked him out. Six months on and he is no on his own as it didnt work out with OW and me and the kids are on our own elsewhere. If you have problems inyour marriage you owe it to yourself, your H and your family to deal with them honestly, not run away to soemone else

numbs, from someone who was in the same situation a few years back, DON'T do it. If you are unhappy in your relationship with your DH, deal with that first. A lot of the excitement you are feeling has to do with the risk-taking behaviour, NOT your attraction.

You CAN keep away from the other bloke, you just don't WANT to. Affairs are exciting, and while in the moment, feel great. But ultimately you will feel like shit and hate yourself. You CAN stop this now.

I'd suggest telling other man (not in person, use email or text), that you cannot continue seeing him and you would prefer he stays as far away as possible while you sort out your marriage. Delete his number from your mobile so you're not tempted to call. Forget about a long in-person conversation explaining your reasons. You are married, that is reason enough. There is too much temptation in 'just seeing him this one last time'. You work with him, it will be awkward, but you can get through it. Will tell you more about my experience with that if you want!

You need to tell your husband you are not happy. This will probably hurt him, but it will hurt less than you having an affair and not even giving your DH a chance. Get yourself into Relate. They can help you decide whether you even want to continue this marriage.

It's all over for me now. Angsty, drama-filled years where I should have behaved a lot better than I did. I am not proud and I have a lot of regrets. I repeat, DON'T do it!

I have to say that this really sounds like a virtual fling because you aren't happy.

However.

It might be that you and your DH aren't settled and in for the long haul. It might be that you have met someone who really is the one for you. If that is the case, then you might end up acting on your current feelings. you need to work that out. It is quite possible to meet someone new while you are in an unhappy relationship and for that new relationship to work, life isn't simple and sometimes there are happy endings, sometimes not.

I think you should take some time (mentally if not physically) away from both of them, and work out what you think.

It is fine if you realise that you really don't love your dh the way you should.

Leave him if you must
But don't use the deficiencies in your relationship to become a liar and a cheat.

Is that who you are?

If the relationship is real, it will wait while you Do the Right Thing

(which is maybe take a break from other man, do some serious THINKING, and THEN split with your dh)

Good luck - must be an awful position to be in

Agree with you PurpleDuck. I got married about 26 years ago. 26 years, less one week before the wedding, I met another person who turned my world round. It took a long time to work the right thing out. Life isnt always black and white. Numbs, very best of luck this might be nothing but it might be lots of things.

Tiger, what did you do?
(if you don't mind me asking...)

Of course I don't mind, my dear duck.

I tried very hard to keep things together for 10 years. DH1 had a very elderly mother who was very ill and I cared for her until she died and frankly if it hadn't been for her I wouldn't have stayed. We had no children and he didn't want any, and I didn't then to be honest.

Anyway, in the end, true love won through, DH2 and I stayed close throughout the first marriage. My then MIL even said, "I am glad that you have [DH2] to look after you, as my son never will". Interesting, and no, noone has ever "looked after me" whatever that means.

And now, we have been together officially for 16 years but known each other as best friends for 26, been married for 11, and have a DS of 7 who was a late appearance but a total blessing. I very occasionally see DH1 who is a nice friend, but wasn't a nice husband and there is a lot I wouldn't say but which would convince you of that.

This is why you can't always jump to conclusions about romances. Sometimes things arent as simple as they might have been.

What a story

It was very sweet of your MIL to worry about your happiness.
Life just gets so tangled sometimes - which is why (i think) its important to behave decently...
I'm glad you found your happy ending

Thanks, Purple. So am I

My exMIL was a lovely lady, she would be in her late 90s now. She was one of the best friends I have ever had, and although she was much much older than me she had the most youthful spirit and the most amazing stories of her life and I still miss her well over 20 years on.

You have to start by acknowledging that you are currently behaving incredibly badly. Of course you can keep away from this bloke if you want to. You just don't want to.

You are almost certainly hurting your husband already.

That you are excited by this affair has very little to do with your marriage. It is a very common experience, all people who have affairs, even those who realise it was a moment of madness, find them incredibly intensely exciting, because they indulge a very basic fantasy.

It may be that you shouldn't have married your husband, and it may be that this new chap is the love of your life, but this is not the way to behave. You need to take a really good look at your relationship with your husband, and decide to work on it, or not. Once you have made that decision then act on it. Then and only then pursue this other thing.

If you behave well you have some (possibly fairly slim) chance of preserving any of the friendship with your husband. If you pursue your affair you almost certainly will not. One thing is sure, you can't have both.

Jesus, learn some self control.

This is why Marriages dont last nowadays as men/women have no respect left for the fact that you are married.

I dont know who I am more dissapointed in, you behaving like this, or you future fling, who should not even been looking at a married women.

how would you feel if your Husband cheated on you?

Well, if you go away with the other bloke then one day you are going to have to sit down with your H and tell him all the lovely details and see the pain on his face as you spit out all the delightful facts.

Then your DSD will always remember you as a cheating slapper who did the dirty on your dad and made him unhappy, no matter how much she loved you before.

If for nothing more than respect for what your H has given you all these years, sort it out with him first and finish your relationship with him before moving into someone else's bed.

If you can bear to do that, it's the right decision. If you can't you know deep down you are just being selfish and seeking cheap thrills. You do know what to do next, you just want us all to talk some sense into you! Well done for asking - it shows that deep down you are a decent person, so please act like one, no matter which way you choose. If you cheat the truth will come out in the end so prepare for the consequences...

This is a really difficult one. I so understand the attraction and excitement attached to a crush - which is all this is!!

The best thing someone said to me was, If he (dh) walked out on you how would you feel? If your not bothered then let him go now so you can both live your lifes and be happy. Something tells me you would be bothered.

The excitement is great fun but its really not worth the heartache and pain it will bring you later. You may go ahead with your plan but if you do be assured you WILL feel guilty as hell, your relationship with your dh will become worse and even more unsatisfying as you will compare eveything with the unrealistic feelings you have for the OM.

Go out with your friends, enjoy an innocent flirt but leave it at that!! Leave this other person alone. Don't venture into the weekend away. The deception will slowly eat you up inside. Once you've done it you can't take it back!!

Its just not worth it.

numbs, did you post for validation or advice? Very little validation has been forthcoming, but a lot of very good advice.
Loads of us have had our work lives spiced up with a mild flirtation, and some of us have gone a bit further. A few have even gone and done the dirty deed and had a full-blown affair. A very small minority have left their life partner and embarked on a new life with their object of desire. I am told that this means a shed-load of sex for a while. After that, life or meetings (depending on how far one goes) slides into the ordinary, the mundane. The new object of desire becomes almost indistinguishable from the previous partner, except from different undies/shirts in the washbox. (Cynic, moi?)
Whatever you do, please be honest with your DH, your DSD, your sexy man, and yourself. Also, before you act, decide what you really want. If you want the new man more than you want your DH, then so be it, but leave DH before starting a new relationship. Having an affair before "deciding" is rather spineless.

well said ShyTalk. In the large office where I worked, affairs were sadly enough an everyday occurrence, but I think I can count the number of happy endings on a couple of fingers!

try not to commit adultery it only causes so many issues and problems
what if he finds out
what if he gives ultimatem
what if he starts doing it
in front of you publicely
it is so unpleasant i was i was unwell for a year because my dh did it and i had my disabled child and his and foster child and i was a step mother
believe me start something you cant stop can lead to so much unhappiness
try to talk to him

It is hard & speaking from experience not an easy decision to make. still haven't made one myself. I think you may be feeling sick at the thought of DH because you maybe don't want to hurt him or are scared of being on your own, but if you think the relationship is not right have a good think about what an affair may do. You don't want to be having the same thoughts 20 years down the line & with 2 or 3 children. If you don't think it is going to work out tell DH now & then you can both move on.
Good luck

you have a choice,its either A) be an absolute shit and lie and cheat on your dh,..or B) or leave your dh. if you dont love your dh -leave him and give him the chance to find someone who can love him enough not to want to cheat/lie to him.hope you both find happiness.

No, I think it is a very easy decision to make. You just don't do it. Simple. If this was anyone other than you and asking you for advice, would you really ever say, oh go on, you know you want to? I don't think so. Lying and cheating is always wrong. Finding out you married the wrong person is OK (although sad). Ending that relationship is OK (although you may find your dh is devastated, better that he should have the chance to find someone else without carrying all the baggage and pain of being cheated on too). Finding someone else when you are single is OK. Having an affair is never OK.

You need to ask yourself if this other bloke has your best interests at heart. He knows you are married but he's prepared to take the risk of it all ending badly. Badly for you that is - he still gets a shag out of it.