Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Advice needed - Turns out DP is absolutely crap with money! Long, sorry!

37 replies

sadnog · 19/03/2009 12:32

I'm new to this section, usually post on SN but am having relationship crisis and need some advice. I am a divorcee with two Dcs and met my current DP nearly 4 years ago. He is almost 11 years my junior but we got on so well and seemed to have so much in common. He moved in with me and DCs about 6 months after we met. Then I found out he had quite a lot of debt built up on credit cards and a loan. We agreed that it would be best to get a loan to clear these and have a clean slate to start life together. However 12 months later I found he had built up another 4 grand worth of credit card debt and that he was struggling with repayments and had got into arrears. Foolishly I agreed to take another loan out to clear these and made him destroy the credit cards. Things appeared to be good after that, DP got well paid job and we were able to afford a holiday last year. However 6 months ago I began to get suspicious that DP was overspending again and to my horror discovered that he had yet again built up new credit card debt and taken out a loan!! When I questioned him, he tried to deny but eventually admitted to being in debt to the tune of thousands again! I asked him to leave and he has now moved in with his friend and says he wants to get himself sorted! To top it all off he has now also admitted that a lot of the debt has been built up from gambling! I don't know if I could ever trust him with money again and that makes me question whether our relationship could ever work. He says he doesn't want to lose me but I'm just not sure if I can be in a relationship with someone I don't trust. I know none of you can tell me what to do but I would appreciate any words of wisdom or advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

sadnog · 19/03/2009 13:08

Anyone?? Really could do with some opinions?

OP posts:

DutchOma · 19/03/2009 13:20

This is an organisation that can help you with sorting out debts.
But that of course is only the half of your worries. The other half is the attitude of your partner, who has taken the p...
Whether you carry on with him or not is a completely different decision and I don't envy you making it.
The trouble is that I can't really see how you can carry on if he has

A gambling problem and
thinks it is ok to break promises.

I bet he doesn't want to lose you.

MorrisZapp · 19/03/2009 13:23

Sorry sadnog, I did read your post but don't have much advice to give!

In an ideal world I'd say 'this guy sounds totally toxic, you should leave him now for your own sanity' but no doubt it is more complex than that.

Lots of people do have debt, but this guy has lied repeatedly and allowed you to get yourself in debt to save him. That really does ring alarm bells. Plus he's a gambler. I don't know if he's a gambling addict or not but it does look like it if he is letting his habit cause this much trauma to you both.

I can't offer advice but your situation does sound dreadful and I hope you find some good advice and a way to resolve it. Poverty is no fun, as discussed on many other threads.

salome64 · 19/03/2009 13:24

Its not really the being crap with money that is the problem, though is it? Its the fact he hid this from you, so was being dishonest, which rocks your faith in the relationship and him.

Clearly he has issues that he needs to sort out. I would suggest that you keep your finances completely separate, and see if you can go on from their. encourage him to see advice from CAB, but stand back from trying to solve his problems.

Spending money you don't have can be a symptom of depression or some other psychological disorder that needs independent help to overcome.

salome64 · 19/03/2009 13:26

sorry about spelling.

HappyWoman · 19/03/2009 13:29

He obviously has a problem - is he willing to get that sorted?

WRT the trust - can you think of it as you can trust him with cetain things?

Can you trust him with your children?
Can you tust him to take care of you?
Can you tust him to do things you ask of him around the house?..... anyway the list can go on.

However he has to understand that you cannot tust him with money and so have to come up with a solution. How about him allowing you to see where all his(and also yours from the loans) is going?

He lied because he didnt want to be made of fool of.

At the moment he can run up debts and not face the full consequences, does he know what they are?

mamas12 · 19/03/2009 13:34

My father was exactly like this he is 81 and is still the same. You will not be able to change him, that's down to him. What you can do is keep all your financial dealings clean. Sorry to say but you need to check your mortgage and bills etc. to see if he has taken something out in your name believe me it's common for these men to do that.
I hope you will contact the organisation because you will need to get that specific support for yourself. Stop thinking about whaty he needs to do is feeling concentrate on you. Good luck

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 19/03/2009 13:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MorrisZapp · 19/03/2009 13:37

Yup, he doesn't seem that crap with money to me. He has obviously become quite skilled at getting his hands on it.

TotalChaos · 19/03/2009 13:37

No personal experience - so take what I say with a pinch of salt. But your DP (in the thrall of an addiction to gambling) has lied and behaved very selfishly. I wouldn't even consider taking him back till he spontaneously (i.e. not due to cajoling by you) can show you he is taking some steps to sort out the financial mess and stop this happening again.

choosyfloosy · 19/03/2009 13:41

You've been really sensible asking him to leave.

Please protect yourself by checking your credit files and following up anything you don't recognise. If I were you I would check them again in a year's time.

I could imagine having a relationship with someone like this if they had absolutely no access to any money of mine (and not living with me), but the question is, is it worth it? And if he's not able to suck up money from you, he will start finding it somewhere else, e.g. embezzling his employer, and that will be horrible to be involved with. My dad is something like this too, and we face stuff like midnight calls for money otherwise he will go to jail etc. Feels pretty awful when you have to learn to say 'no, sorry, but I'll visit you in prison' and you then find he's ripped off somebody else who was feeling less tough. Not nice to be involved with tbh.

If he's fun to be around, well, have him over for a barbeque a couple of times a year (and lock up your chequebook while he's there), IMO don't let him further back into your life.

Strawbezza · 19/03/2009 13:45

You've already given him lots of chances, you've helped him tremendously by clearing his debts in the past - and he repays you by lying to you and deceiving you?

Get rid of him NOW!

Original poster

sadnog · 19/03/2009 14:22

Thank you all so much for responding. None of you have said anything I hadn't already told myself but I guess I just needed someone to tell me I was right.
Salome, you hit the nail right on the head, it's not the fact that he's got debt (god knows everyone has these days) it's the way he did it, so devious and all the lies and secrecy. What really hurts is that my Ex DH would spend money like water (usually down the pub!) and always leave me short to pay the bills so we got into debt and my current DP knew all about that which makes what he has done ten times worse. I know that if we were to try, I would have to take control of all his finances and that would only cause arguments and resentment in the end. Deep down all my instincts tell me to run a mile and leave him to it, I don't need the stress as have my hands full with DD at moment (she is currently being statemented for special needs at school). I know I have to put myself and the kids first and living with a compulsive spender doesn't really figure in my idea of a safe and secure future.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 19/03/2009 14:31

My dad was also like this and you wont change him. These men cannot help themselves - its a compulsion that leads them to lie, cheat and hurt everyone around them. Go to equifax to look up your credit record. Get it clean and disaccociate yourself from him financially (there is a form to do this). Then ask him to seek councelling for the gambling etc. Dont go back to him unless you are prepared to be in full charge of all finances.

Original poster

sadnog · 19/03/2009 14:35

Would like to add that I feel I've let my kids down terribly by letting another loser into their lives! I reckon I must be an awful judge of character or very gullible ! Am not afraid to be on my own but scared that I won't find the courage to put my trust into another man and be able to start all over again in yet another relationship. Am fastly approaching 40, with two difficult children, not sure anyone would be willing to take us on even if I could find the heart to try again!

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2009 14:39

I think he moved in with you far too quickly and you're paying for this mistake now and not just financially.

Life with a gambler for a partner is not a sustainable one. You will all end up being dragged down with him.

He has to want to address for himself why he gambles (these are often deep seated and complex reasons) and if he does not then that is his choice. You cannot help him.

You have acted to date as his enabler - enabling sheilds him from the full consequences of their actions.

Also taking out any loan to consolidate debt often makes the problem worse.

I note he has now moved out; do not let him back in to your life. You need to reestablish your life without him in it. He must prove to you that he is sorted but gambling problems are rarely if ever sorted completely by the gambler. Gambling problems thrive on secrecy and deceit. He does not want to lose you - why is this?. It is probably because you enabled him to continue his gambling behaviours up till now.

You may well want to contact Gamcare or look at their website.

salome64 · 19/03/2009 14:44

If you are okay, your kids will be okay. bottom line.

Tell you a little secret, I love having a boyfriend, but also love it when he goes off and we can have "us" time again. we are the family, he is the nice visitor....seems to work ok!

salome64 · 19/03/2009 14:45

and I am {whispers} 45. 43 when we met.

Original poster

sadnog · 19/03/2009 14:48

I agree Attila, that with hindsight it all moved so quickly and I look back now and wonder why I didn't run a mile when he told me about his debts then, believe me I am kicking myself now! However at the time I was happy and wanted to be with him (they say love is blind). He says the gambling is only a recent thing but I don't believe him, he's always been in debt the whole time we've been together, so if it wasn't gambling in the early days, what was it?? At the moment I feel like a complete idiot and can't believe I'm in this situation. I must have done something really awful in a previous life and am now being punished

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/03/2009 14:52

sadnog,

I would not beleive him either when he says the gambling is a recent thing. It often is the case that it started far earlier, in abolescence probably.

You can and should make a life without him being in it. You will be okay and your children will be too. You do not need a gambler for a partner; you will just get dragged down with him.

Gamcare should be able to give support to you. But do not under any circumstances let him back in to your life now he has moved out.

Original poster

sadnog · 19/03/2009 14:54

Salome, I do hope that if this is the end for me and DP, I will find someone else to share my life with, but I also feel it will probably be on my terms and at arms length for quite a while. I have to go and pick kids up from school now but will sign back on later.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 19/03/2009 16:05

Salom this isnt your fault. You met someone, wanted it to work and tried to help. I suspect you may have been a bit blind to his problem as a result of not wanting to see it but that isnt a crime - most of us have been there. What you do need to do is stop beating yourself up and move on. Give your kids a great life yourself and a happier mum will make them happier!!

salome64 · 19/03/2009 16:41

did you mean that for sadnog, pretty?

agree, btw.

Original poster

sadnog · 19/03/2009 19:02

Thank you all so much for your kind words and sound advice. I think I already knew what I should do but just needed the encouragement that it was the right decision. I know that i can provide a good life for my kids by myself and if someone comes along later to share it with me then all well and good but I'm in no rush. My priority now is my kids and their happiness and that's enough to keep me busy for a while.

OP posts:

prettyfly1 · 19/03/2009 19:04

ooop yes i did.

Flip

1 2