Advice needed - Turns out DP is absolutely crap with money! Long, sorry!

[sadnog]

I'm new to this section, usually post on SN but am having relationship crisis and need some advice. I am a divorcee with two Dcs and met my current DP nearly 4 years ago. He is almost 11 years my junior but we got on so well and seemed to have so much in common. He moved in with me and DCs about 6 months after we met. Then I found out he had quite a lot of debt built up on credit cards and a loan. We agreed that it would be best to get a loan to clear these and have a clean slate to start life together. However 12 months later I found he had built up another 4 grand worth of credit card debt and that he was struggling with repayments and had got into arrears. Foolishly I agreed to take another loan out to clear these and made him destroy the credit cards. Things appeared to be good after that, DP got well paid job and we were able to afford a holiday last year. However 6 months ago I began to get suspicious that DP was overspending again and to my horror discovered that he had yet again built up new credit card debt and taken out a loan!! When I questioned him, he tried to deny but eventually admitted to being in debt to the tune of thousands again! I asked him to leave and he has now moved in with his friend and says he wants to get himself sorted! To top it all off he has now also admitted that a lot of the debt has been built up from gambling! I don't know if I could ever trust him with money again and that makes me question whether our relationship could ever work. He says he doesn't want to lose me but I'm just not sure if I can be in a relationship with someone I don't trust. I know none of you can tell me what to do but I would appreciate any words of wisdom or advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation.

you'll be fine, missus.

RUN TWO MILES!

Seriously, get this man out of your life before he drags you under.

Personally I would absolutely end a relationship with a gambler the minute I found out. It bothers me even more than an affair would.

That is exactly what my exh#2 was like. I bailed him out so many times and locked away his cards and cheque books and he just ordered more behind my back. I thought I'd turned him around and ended up marrying him. It did not stop and probably got worse. In the end, I couldn't handle it anymore and we split though stayed friends. He had debts of over £38k when he went, plus almost 2.5k overdraught. I watched him sinking weekly as he couldn't pay the bills that were coming in and for whatever reason, I felt sorry for him and took out a loan to consolidate it all(he refused to look at insolvency though he did consider bankruptcy), I was also worried because the house was in both our names and I didn't want to lose it. He paid back some of the loan, but 10 years on, he still owes me 8.5k plus interest and he has remarried, posh expensive wedding etc, living the life of reilly, whilst I had to remortgage to cover the loan. I know he wont pay it back. I know I'll never really recover from it emotionally as well as financially.
They really have a problem and a bit like a drug addict or alcoholic, there is always the chance that they'll fall off the wagon. I will never ever trust a man again when it comes to money. Nor should you.
I hope you can sort things out, but IME, never turn your back.

Solowitch, that is exactly what my DP did. The first loan we took out when we first moved in was for £9500, and actually my mum took it out for us as we had been refused by several companies, I pay her by standing order every month to cover the repayment. The cards he had then were destroyed, but obviously he applied for more behind my back. When he built up the second lot (nearly £8000) I helped him out and took out a loan in my name only (his credit score obviously too poor to get a loan himself). So at the moment I am left to pay two loans (approx £450 a month). When he first moved out he promised to pay me every week towards the loan repayments and he did for 2 weeks!! Nothing since and I can't see him giving me anything in the near future. Since the loan that I took out he has built up another £2500 on CC and also has a loan of £2800 (which he took to pay off CC then built them up again, all within 6 months!). After being made redundant from a well paid job last Dec, he is now working for minimum wage and so just can't afford the repayments on everything, so guess who is left holding the baby......Muggins here . I have learnt a very hard lesson, and same as you solowitch, I will never trust a man financially and will always keep my finances completely separate. The worst part is he still rings me and speaks to me as if everything is perfectly fine and that just gets my back up!

Sadnog

You have indeed learnt a harsh lesson here by enabling him as you did (he must have been very convincing as these people often are so you cannot fully blame yourself). This man is an inveterate gambler with a serious gambling problem who has now left you high and dry.

You need now not to accept his calls. I would block his number from your phone and perhaps even change your contact numbers. You cannot afford and even should not have such a figure in your lives to wreak yet further financial harm. You and your children deserve someone better than he.

I may have missed this info, so I'm sorry if I'm repeating here.

Do you have any ties with him(property/car)?
If you have a mortgage with him, you may need to get that changed into your name only as I did, though apparently, that doesn't automatically make you safe from losing your house in the event he goes bankrupt.

Three years ago I got an email from a woman asking me questions about my exh2. I was very suspicious at the time as to her motives, but in anger(because I really was angry at him)I answered her and asked her things. Basically she was in a relationship with my ex and things weren't adding up. She had confronted him and she wasn't convinced so decided to ask me. We had a huge conversation where I told her the truthful answers to her questions. I didn't make him out to be worse than he was, but I didn't miss anything out either. He had started to do the same thing to her. Now armed with all that info, you'd think she kick him to the kurb, but no! she went on to marry him last year in a big lavish affair. I wouldn't mind betting it's all on credit though. He was a very pretentious man with Champagne tastes and lemonade money ~ he probably still is.
I think that as long as you learn from the experience, you can find another man. I doubt there is any such thing as the perfect man and if there is, i haven't found him. I met the man that I thought was my soul mate when I was 40(and I'm 45 tomorrow)and he knew that I couldn't bear liars or being lied to because of the deceit I had suffered with exh2. Soul mate was very solvent, so no worries there, but he lied to me for our entire 4 year relationship...So what I'm saying really is that you can't ever trust them 100%, so don't ever think you can. Don't turn your back or stick your fingers in your ears. Do though, be open to meeting someone, but hold back on the trust a little.
Not sure that I'm helping here or even making sense, but knowing how that crushing financial blow feels when someone else throws your world into disarray finacially ~ and lets face it, the world does run on money, I can empathise greatly.

I wish you all the best.
solo.

Thankfully no mortgage, I rent and the tenancy is solely in my name. I have a car but again it's bought and paid for and he can't drive anyway. We never had a joint account so OK there as well. Have to rush off now but will be back on later.

Have had a terrible weekend with DS constantly asking me about DP. Bless him, he is so sensitive and picks up on everything that goes on around him. When DP first moved out, I wasn't aware of the degree to which DP had been deceiving me, so explained to DS that he had moved out for a while to get himself sorted. Obviously as time has gone on and the situation has become clearer to me, DS is picking up on the fact that DP hasn't been around for a while and is starting to ask questions such as "When will ** be back?", "Are you splitting up?", "Why can't you sort things out?". My heart is breaking for him as well as myself and I don't know how best to explain that for a second time I am separating from the man in his life! I feel like he blames me and will hate me for not trying to sort things out with DP.

Can anyone help with how best to approach this with DS, he is 11? I feel so terrible that he has to witness his mum failing in another relationship. I also have DD (8) but she hasn't even asked about DP, she seems quite happy that he hasn't been around for nearly 4 weeks now.

Please help, have arranged to meet up with DP tomorrow and my stomach is in so many knots I feel sick! Have agreed to a meeting as there are things we need to discuss, but I really am dreading seeing him, have had no contact for 3 weeks now other than occassional txt. I am 99% sure that I don't want to continue with the relationship, have not missed him being at the house at all, but am worried that my defences will fall as I'm sure he will be begging for another chance. My son has asked about DP often since he moved out and I have many a time been close to caving in and giving DP another chance for his sake, but then I realise I would be doing it for the wrong reasons and that it's not what I really want. Oh FFS why is life never easy .

we have a friend who has was a gambler and his wife (they weren't married when she found out) set out some ground rules .. the most important being that he attend Gamblers Anonymous every week for basically the rest of his life. He is also not allowed to control ANY finances. He gives her all his pay, his cards, cheque book .. the works. It has been this way for years now and she runs everything. If he wants some money to buy something she goes with him - he knows he cannot be trusted but welcomes the fact now that she provides him with the support. The counselling he has had has made him realise that he wants to change and he wants a family and that this is the only way. Gambling is an addiction in the same way that drink and drugs are and as such it is an illness. If you are happy to walk away then do - it sounds as if you are doing well without him anyway. It may be an idea to let him know that GA is out there and that for his own sake he may want to get some help. Maybe then you can be friends and your ds will start to understand a little better.

Hi Bodiddly, Your friend must be really strong, I have considered this route but not sure if it would work. I don't know how DP would react to me taking complete control of his money and I'm not sure I would want that responsibility to be honest. I can't help but feel it would put incredible strain on the relationship which is already struggling anyway. I'm not sure I want to be with somebody that I have to wet nurse with money but I really do admire your friend for doing it. I guess I really need to hear what he has to say for himself tomorrow and what steps (if any) he has taken so far to sort out this terrible mess.