Does this ring bells with anyone else?

[OrmIrian]

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-wellbeing/features/no-sex-please-an-asexual-life-1646347 .html

especially "Holland says that sex was ?quite fun, quite enjoyable?, but crucially, he has no drive to go out and do it again. ?If it happens it happens. I enjoy golf but if I never play it again, I don?t care.? "

and

"It?s a testament to how sexualised our society is, that we accept almost any sort of sexual predilection, but when it comes to someone getting no sexual kicks at all, we?re at a loss as to how to understand it. We find it perfectly believable ? if a little odd ? that someone might want to have sex while wearing an asphyxiating latex mask, or while being whipped or spanked. But the idea that someone should deviate so far from the norm as to not want sex at all is almost incomprehensible"

Just me then

OMG! Having read that I am now sure that a friend of mine is asexual. I've always wondered and thought maybe she was a lesbian and afraid to 'come out' but this makes so much more sense!
Not that I'd ever bring it up - its her business. But I find it a bit sad that we have to label everybody like this.

It does make me wonder when so many women on MN (and elsewhere) and men too, aren't keen, and beat themselves up over it all the time. Because there must be something wrong with them. I'll always vaguely resented the feeling that not wanting sex was something that needed fixing

biologically speaking surely wanting sex outside of the urge to procreate, is the unnatural mentality?

I see what you mean. It would be nice if we could just accept each other's differences and resist the urge to tell people what they ought to feel.

Yes cory. 50yrs ago it was 'normal' for people to curb their sexuality and pretend not to have such 'animal' instincts, so I suppose the asexual wouldn't have stood out now. Now the opposite is true so you stand out like a sore thumb.

It is pinktulip, but we don't live 'biologically' I suppose.

but i think we do live more 'biologically' than we like to admit.
We do have a strong urge to pro-create and during adolesence there is a high desire to have sex. As we 'prevent' it but actually enjoy the act we go on to 'do it' more.

When woman are pregnat there can be a lesseing of sex drive - as well as just after birth and during childrearing years - often seen as 'the problem'.

I just think we are conditioned to ignore our biological feelings in favour of cultural ones.

Also when you first meet someone who you are attracted to the biology is to 'procreate' alot apparently the feeling is supposed to last 2 years. This active period is supposed to lessen over time as the offspring of all that procreating need nurturing.

But I've lost count of the number of threads that have said there is something wrong about relationships where this 'lessening' happens izy. Social conditioning seems to matter more in this area than biology. As Happywoman said.

yes, the definite cultural message at the moment is that any decline in sexual interest/activity within a relationship is a sign of a problem that needs to be 'worked on'. Even articles/tv shows etc that acknowledge that it's a common occurrence, with real reasons, still seem to imply that it's not normal, and something that should be fixed.

I think you are right - social conditioning makes us all feel 'wrong or bad' for actually having a lessening sex-drive.

I have no problem with what people get up to in the bedroom but it makes me cross that it is used as some sort of point scoring.

If you dont do or like XYZ then you must be suppressed, weird or a failure.

I think there is a fair amount of control too involved - woman want to 'outdo' previous partners in some way (and i do include myself in that too).

Certain woman think themselves superior with certain sexual acts.

that's not to say that decline etc isn't a problem for some people - but IMHO most of the problem comes down to mismatch between the two people in the relationship and the messages people read into lack of interest on the other person.

I expect that if an asexual can recognise themselves as such, and accept it, they will be very happy as long as they are able to find a partner also willing to match their level of interest/non-interest in things sexual. I guess it will be a problem for those who think that they should want sex more, to conform with 'normality' or to meet the mismatched desire levels of their partner.

'Should' is the problem ladybee. Definitely.

The most shocking thing you can say to a room full of drunk women is 'we don't have sex any more'. It will silence them - I know from experience!

It's weird and I do agree - we assume that people are generally quite obsessed with sex, mainly I suppose because popular culture tells us it must be that way.

In fact, many people can take it or leave it. As long as they feel ok about that then it is absolutely nobody else's business is it.

Really?

I may have to try that soon morris Although we do, of course

because drunk woman think themselves very very sexy and that everyone would want it with them right there and then - also said from experience.

Why do you have to be a sexual being though? Sex is only a small part of what makes us who we are. For some people, sex is an essential for many reasons, for others it's a nice bonus and for some it's just not an activity they feel the need to engage in.

"Vive la difference" is what i think.(although i've probably spelt it wrong )
I don't think how often i do or don't have sex with my partner defines me as long as we are both comfortable with it.
The issue only arises where one partner wants either more or less.
I also don't believe that everyone should feel obliged to look for and maintain a relationship. There are many many people who don't want to be part of a couple and have very fulfilled and happy lives.
I think that alot of the issues now have come about because of the perpetuation of the myth that in order to be fulfilled and feel valued we must also feel sexually attractive, films/books/magazines etc bombard you with this line constantly. I often think it's quite sad that our society is so image focussed.

I agree idrank.

Compatability is the key in relationships. But often a huge sexual appetite is seen as healthy and a good thing in it's own right.

and a low sex drive as a 'problem',
of course compatability is the key but often it is not just a case of having a high sex drive and then not - it changes with time and circumstances.

Unfortunately too many of us feel the 'pressure' when there is a mismatch - however temporary that may be.

Having regular good sex seen as the norm and essential as part of a relationship.

If we were all more open maybe we would understand that we all go through peaks and troughs of sexual desire, and stop worrying about it so much.

Completely rings bells, but not for me. I'm pretty sure XH was asexual. And he was quite unfair about it. I was 26 and he was 23 when we married. Our sex life was a struggle from the start. He got very manipulative and tried to convince me there was something wrong with me, tried to label me a nymphomaniac.

After two years of marriage and fighting about it, he angrily said, 'why don't you go have sex with someone else?' I was quite hurt by this, but found some options. Then he said he didn't really want me to have sex on the side. It was too late. I had an unsatisfying affair. We went to Relate. He finally admitted that he tried to make me think something was wrong with me, because he thought something was wrong with him.

Carried on as before. Nearly had another affair. This time went to sex counseling. He admitted he didn't really enjoy sex and wasn't bothered about having it. He said I should be grateful because a lot of women would like to be in my place.

We agreed when we got married that we'd talk about kids after three years. He tried to move it to five. My biological clock was ticking. We 'tried' for over a year, but with the infrequency of sex and my PCOS, there was no way I was going to get pregnant.

There were other problems besides the sex, mainly that I was on the bottom of the pile when it came to priorities. Work, his computer, and socialising came first. I finally ended it after 5 years together.

I don't have a problem with people being asexual. At the moment I'm pregnant and totally off of it myself. But I do think asexuals need to recognise what they are, and not expect their partner to conform. Just because he didn't want a sex life didn't give him the right to take mine away! As others have said, compatibility is the key.

"Just because he didn't want a sex life didn't give him the right to take mine away! "

No! Of course not. But it works both ways.

I think you are right ormirian - because society makes us believe that everyone else is having these 'normal' x times a week relationships.
I am pretty sure that if asked to be honest the actual amount of sex is less.

There will always be those that want it more and those that want it less.

It should only be a small part of the relationship and yet it causes so many problems.

We seem more able to accept differences in others areas than in bedroom activities - and i mean us as a society.

If you dont have the same sex drive you might as well call it a day then - there is no hope.

It does work both ways, true. In our case, XH should have told me BEFORE we got married that he just wasn't interested in sex. Instead, he pretended for a while, until we were married, and then pulled the rug out from under me.

Maybe I would have still married him, maybe I wouldn't. But there was serious false advertising there, I didn't get to make an informed choice.

'it should only be a small part of the relationship'

That's a very judgmental thing to say, particularly when you are advocating understanding of people's differences. My XH looked down his nose at everyone who expressed interest in sex, including me. Because he didn't feel it himself, he got this holier-than-thou attitude and considered himself a better, more controlled person than the rest--thought the rest of the world should be like him.

BTW, does anyone want his number? He's single!

At 23 sarah, do you think he just didn't realise. It takes time for most people to establish their sexuality. How many gay men get married hoping to 'cure' themselves.

I don't think what happywoman said was judgemental as such. It is only a part for any relationship surely. A very big part for some admittedly. But a relationship isn't inferior if sex is only a small part (no pun intended )