Does this ring bells with anyone else?

[OrmIrian]

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-wellbeing/features/no-sex-please-an-asexual-life-1646347 .html

especially "Holland says that sex was ?quite fun, quite enjoyable?, but crucially, he has no drive to go out and do it again. ?If it happens it happens. I enjoy golf but if I never play it again, I don?t care.? "

and

"It?s a testament to how sexualised our society is, that we accept almost any sort of sexual predilection, but when it comes to someone getting no sexual kicks at all, we?re at a loss as to how to understand it. We find it perfectly believable ? if a little odd ? that someone might want to have sex while wearing an asphyxiating latex mask, or while being whipped or spanked. But the idea that someone should deviate so far from the norm as to not want sex at all is almost incomprehensible"

Thanks - i didnt think i was being judgemental either - it should only be a part of it as should any number of other things.
I know at times my libido has been very low - due to pressures of family i am sure, and i can think of times when it seemed the only thing 'wrong' in our relationship. But that is just my point if i had said to people - the only thing is i dont fancy sex i think most people would jump to the conclusion that there must be something else wrong.

I think a lot of men use the 'excuse' my wife does not want to have sex with me to justify their use of affairs or paying for sex and i think a lot of people would think that there is something wrong in the relationship too.

Thanks - i didnt think i was being judgemental either - it should only be a part of it as should any number of other things.
I know at times my libido has been very low - due to pressures of family i am sure, and i can think of times when it seemed the only thing 'wrong' in our relationship. But that is just my point if i had said to people - the only thing is i dont fancy sex i think most people would jump to the conclusion that there must be something else wrong.

I think a lot of men use the 'excuse' my wife does not want to have sex with me to justify their use of affairs or paying for sex and i think a lot of people would think that there is something wrong in the relationship too.

And of course we all forget just how much we did it when we first met. I remeber someone telling me to put a penny in a jar everytime we had sex in the first year and that if after that i took a penny out every time after that time i would never empty the jar.
Trouble is couldnt test the theory as wasnt that rich then.

No, a relationship where sex is a small part isn't inferior, if that's how both parties feel comfortable.

But it's the word should that implies the judgment. When someone says sex 'should be a small part of a relationship', that's judgmental. That's as bad as someone saying 'if you don't have sex x number of times a week, your relationship is bad'. I'm sorry that society generally leans that way. I agree with whoever said people probably aren't having as much sex as they say they do.

I think if people who are asexual want understanding, they need to be understanding in return. Unfortunately, asexuals are in the minority, and being judgmental about people who do like sex doesn't advance their cause any further. You don't have to justify yourself by going on about society being too sexualised or anything else. You are who you are! The more you are open and honest about how you personally feel/don't feel about sex, the more people will understand.

As for XH, he DID know he wasn't interested. He misled me about the extent of his sexual experience and number of previous relationships. He thought he'd be more interested with me because of having compatible personalities. I suppose I can forgive him that, but the manipulation and trying deliberately to lower my self-esteem and make me think I wasn't normal...that's hard to look over.

I can totally see that sarah. Very cruel to manipulate you like that

thank you OrmIrian. I think I'm a trifle oversensitive today (17 weeks pg). Now crying like an idiot even though it's nearly year since the divorce was final

Didn't mean to upset you. It is an emotive issue. Sexuality is sensitive and I have felt so inadequate so often because I have very little sex drive. I have explained it away in terms of tiredness, pregnancy, depression, bfing etc etc. But in the end a low libido is my default state, the odd times when it's been higher I see as a bonus (for my DH at least). And I get fed up of being seen as someone who needs fixing. This is me. As I am. We have sex regularly because I am with a man I love who enjoys it, and it does help our relationship stay on an even keel. But I'd happily not bother.

See but there's the difference. . .you do it because he enjoys it, and you love him and want him to be happy. And it helps your relationship. You haven't unilaterally decided your sex life is over. You've compromised. You and your DH are settled into a pattern that is working for you both. You definitely don't need fixing!

After he stopped making out that I was a nymphomaniac, XH didn't care enough to lie and pretend. He'd just say straight out 'it does nothing for me'. It didn't matter how I felt. It didn't matter that I was going through ridiculous fertility investigations when the problem was blatantly lack of sex.

Well that sounds to me like a simple lack of respect, regardless of any other problem