I've thrown him out... what now?

[Thisispants]

I have had enough of the verbal abuse, name calling, arguments over money, all his problems being taken out on me alone so I've told him not to come back. I'm 2mths pregnant and my DS is 13mths- how will I cope? I feel sad and alone and i'm struggling to cope.

You poor thing, you must be all over the place. Is there anyone in your area that you know that can rally round and give you a bit of a break/some moral support? Friends and family, that kind of thing?

Is the place you are living yours, i.e is it in your name either rented or owned? Give Woman's Aid a call, they will be very helpful and be able to point you in the direction of support, and give you super advice.
I'm sure there will be other people along soon to post, but I didn't want your message to go unanswered. Hang in there...
x

Thanks cheerfulvicky. I can't face anyone today tbh but I'm going out this afternoon to tax my car so will break the afternoon up. My family are OK but not the most supportive- I can't face telling them yet. I don't know why. I am seeing a friend tomorrow but I know I won't tell her either. That's why I'm on here I think. I need to clear my head. Luckily, the house is mine, and I know enough about benefits to know I should be OK money wise. I'm scared of being a single parent I think that's why I gave him so many chances to stop the verbal abuse. Nothing changes though. I just don't understand why he has no respect for me.

Well done!!!

Well done for having the guts and self respect to throw him out so you can concentrate on giving your children the best mum in the world

Think about how much happier you will be without him bringing you down and bringing his problems to you all the time.

You will cope because you have to.

Tell your family and friends they may be more supportive than you think theres no need for you to go through this alone, it's not your fault he wasn't the person you thought he was.

Hi Thisispants I just wanted to chip in with some support.

I am on my own with 4 Dc after separating from my controlling DH last October. I too had stayed for years because of the fear of coping with the children alone.

Within weeks of him leaving, I was a different person - happy, self sufficient, calmer and a better mum than I have ever been. We now have harmony in the house and as LoveMyGirls says, without him bringing me down.

I suspect when you get over the initial shock, you won't look back.

It's tiring on your own with DC; I know coz mine are all still young and I work as a full time childminder but you can do it.

Remember he is still your children's father so when you need a break, ask him to take them for an afternoon or a regular day of the weekend. The children are not solely your responsibility - well done for your strength and good luck

Lovemygirls, I've thrown him out before... and then let him back because he has made promises and apologised and I've believed him. I know we deserve better. The most annoying thing is that everyone thinks he is so nice. His entire family thinks the sun shines out of his arse. I wish they knew what he was like, I wish someone could hear him calling his pregnant girlfriend 'a f*ing ct' and a 'b*d' just so they knew. I know it wouldn't make any difference to me but I just wish they knew. The thing is he IS nice to everyone else. It's just me he is vile to. Why are men like this? My ex-p was physically abusive and when I met current DP (ex now?) he was so nice to me I just felt safe with him. It changed when I was about 6mths pregnant. I hate him for conning me.

Oh and also, do tell people and accept any offers of help you get.

Thanks Brazenhusy- I really hope I can be a good parent on my own.

Well I've had a nice day today- been out with friends BUT I just can't bring myself to tell anyone we have split up. I would rather just bury the whole thing because if I have to talk about it in RL I will get upset and start to panic. So I'm just pretending all is fine.

Last night was first night alone and DS slept OK, I lay awake alot thinking about it all but I didn't cry.

He keeps texting me asking how DS is, and asking me to to tell DS his daddy loves him etc. I've started to ignore him because I don't want to waste credit and I don't want to think about him. He is seeing DS Sun so I'm not being unreasonable although part of me wants to.

Mmm, it's hard isn't it. Try not to stop him seeing DS as a way of punishing him. If you feel in any way that he is unsafe around DS, that's obviously different. But what you don't want is for him to use it against you in the future if you make it hard for him to see his son. If he is used to being nasty, he might leap at the chance to mess with your head in that way.

Sounds like the reason you haven't told anyone is because you don't really believe it's over. Are you planning to take him back again? If not, why not start telling people and getting the support you need. I found it easier to talk to friends via email, because I would have just broken down and cried on the phone. It's very very hard if they don't know what he can be like, the best way to leave a man (I suppose) is keep telling your friends and family everything he does until THEY are all urging you to leave him! Then when you do you have loads of support.

Can I just say that if you tell them the names he has been calling you, they WILL be horrified and they will be on your side. My XP was nowhere near as overt and obvious as yours, and my Health Visitor, my mum and friends have still stood by me, they sensed something wasn't right. Go on, if you tell them it will be a weight off your mind. Just confide on one or two people and then as you gain confidence, you can mention it to others too. If you have support, then it's less likely he will wheedle his way back in like last time. Because it will be out in the open, and when you are feeling weak and low, there will be people you can call to remind you what a twunt he is.
Or you can come on here of course, and we will do the same

Thanks cheefulvicky. Think I might bite the bullet tomorrow and tell someone. You're right you know, I think I am worried that if I tell people what he is like and then get back with him they will think I am stupid, it will make it difficult at family gatherings etc. Think I was just waiting to make sure it was over. It does need to be over though. For my sake and my little one. I would never want my son to think that it was normal to speak to anyone like that. I want him to have a normal, civilised and happy childhood.

My STBXH also called me the most vile names (for most of our marriage TBH) - the same as yours "F*ing C*t", "fat repulsive b**h" - it wasnt all the time, mostly after a drink, or a row , and after so long and him acting like normal the next day, I started to believe it WAS normal !!!
IT ISNT, honestly it really isnt, nobody should ever be spoken to like that ever, now I have met my lovely lovely NM (should that be DP now after 3 months ), I realise that, he is horrified and I know he would never ever speak to me like that
Be strong dont let him back in, it will just get worse and worse - good luck x

my ex was also controlling to me and my kids but in different ways i understand how you feel but i was relived that me and my kids dont have to put up with his shit anymore and you will feel better after time to trust me.

TIP, one of the reasons I so badly wanted out was that I didn't want my little boy to grow up and start behaving like his Dad. That would grieve me beyond measure. Hopefully as time passes you'll realize you can do fine without him, and it will start to feel more 'real' that it is really over.

OK well I've just told my sister. Scary. It's out in the open now. Ex is picking up DS tomorrow at 9am, he initially said between 12 and 1, but I said that he could have him at 9 or not at all. I don't see why he should get to call the shots or have a lie-in for that matter. Am I being unreasonable? To be honest, it grieves me that he is having DS at all but it is for my own good. It will give me a break and it is good for DS to see his dad. I need to get the kitchen painted.

I refused to let him have DS overnight- I don't feel comfortable with it.

He has also come across all weird and patronising. Says we should be civil and that I should lose the attitude (cheek!) and that being that I'm caring for both his babies I should get the breaks checked on my car (it only passed the MOT a couple of days ago). I said that since we are being civil I expect him to pay me back the money he owes me (£235). I have had no reply to that.

it will get better.

keep in your mind that your DCs will not have to grow up hearing their dad calling their mum such awful things.

and that they are then less likely to do that to their future partners.

you will be happier in the long run... trust me i know from experience.

Hi just came across this thread. My exH was the same, everyone thinking he is so nice etc, and yet I had so much verbal crap of him! I don't why these men behave like this! it makes me so mad tbh really really does. You're lucky you have the financial side sorted because thats where a lot of women get stuck.
I think you should get support from family and friends, I know mines have been a big help supporting me. Do not underestimate them.
Good luck, I know its difficult because your DS is so young and you're pregnant but do not make the mistake of taking him back for this reason as you will end up regretting it in the long run. Oh and the thing he does with the text messages, my ex used to do that as well, really messed with my head but I was able to see through all the bull shit!

If you can TIP, maybe keep a phone number just for him, and get yourself another one for friends and family? It does help to keep the bile at bay...I remember feeling sick every time my text alert went off, and it made me feel like chucking my phone out. I felt more in control to keep the calls and texts from him separate to others.

Well done on the nine o'clock thing too - you were quite right.

Thanks for all the lovely support and advice- I can't believe how much it is helping.

Sorry you've all gone through this rubbish though, but it's so good to hear that you can come out the other side.

I know I shouldn't be thinking about future relationships (that's another thread!!) but I have been so rubbish in my relationship choices so far, I will never trust my judgement again. Have you all gone on to have more positive relationships?

I'm in on my own tonight again but as it's a friday night it feels a bit worse. Hopefully DS will go to sleep earlish and hopefully will be something good on the TV.

Right I'm off to cook our dinner. Thank again.

I thought I'd never be in a relationship again and it just sort of happened. We've had our ups and downs but my DP is lovely, lovely to my DS and about a million times nicer to me than the ex.

You need to learn to value yourself again and not accept second best.

Enjoy your freedom and being on your own for a bit first though...

Oh, I am a million times happier with my DP now, it's like night and day

He's just collected our little boy. I am really upset. I thought I was fine. I'm not. My nose is running with trying not to cry. He acted like everything is fine. I tried to aswell but I think he could tell I was upset. Damn- I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.

I'm going out now to take my mind off it. It's a saturday though and everyone else has family plans.

Why do you feel upset, TIP? Sorry to hear that I think distraction is good - don't worry if everyone else wants to do family stuff, just pamper yourself and do your own thing, have a bit of me time etc.

By the way, does your last post at 9.08 mean that he was on time collecting DS instead of rolling up when he feels like it after a nice lie in? If so, good!
Hope you have a good day, and remember it will get easier.

I was upset because it's just hard isn't it? Even though I know I'm doing the right thing, I can't just switch off my emotions. Obviously I still love him, stupidly. I'm grieving for the happy family that I imagined I would have I think.

Anyway, he has just dropped DS off and stupidly let him in to bring DSs things in which inevitably led to heated words. I'm rather pissed off at myself for getting sucked in. He said you better not butt my mum out you know. He's such a mummy's boy- he's always put his family's feelings before mine so it was a bit of a sore point so I said 'this isn't about your mother, who incidentally hasn't even phoned me to ask if I'm ok'. I'm upset about this too, we had always got on so I can't see whyshe wouldn't at least phone to see if I'm ok.

Then he asked me if I was seeing someone else. Ha bloody ha, like I have the time, I am constantly with my little boy, literally, 24-7. He's the one who has been able to go out and meet people not me!!! I said it was none of his business, but then said obviously I hadn't. Why did I even dignify it with answer?

There's more, he said it was me who wanted to split up so it was my fault. I said well I wasn't particularly happy being called a c**t etc, he said there are worse things. Some men beat women up. I said yes but that's how it starts with name calling.

So I am fuming.

It's nice having my DS back home though!

Sorry for the rant and terrible grammar, lack of speech commas etc.

I also sent him a ridiculously long text ranting at him. I need to get a grip. It's just that he said he wouldn't get to see much of DS, so I said well could you have him tuesday evening because I am supposed to be going out for meal? He said no. No reason, just no. I could take DS but he will be tired and grouchy.

Mine said that! "I don't hit you, do I? I hope you never experience real abuse. You don't know what abuse it..." etc etc. Argh!

So sorry for you. Is there anyone who could babysit so you can go out? You need to stop relying on him, just arrange your life so you don't need him for anything, and don't let him in your place again. If you want him to take DS so you can do something, don't let him know it's because you need a break. He will say no just to spite you. (Try reverse psychology if necessary: "You can't have him Tuesday, I wanted to take him to blahs place with me! Well, I suppose so...") Try not to rant at him, I know its hard and you are angry, but could you not write all the things down on paper and then not send them? Or even burn them? You need to express your anger - but not to him. He's definitely not the person to be talking to about this Which is hard, if you are used to sharing stuff. But he has demonstrated by his name calling that he doesn't give a shit about you, so lean on friends, on us MNers, but not on him. Don't waste your precious energy on this daft twat!
Take care.
x