My DH is so angry with me - sorry, very very long

[TheYearOfTheCat]

I should probably namechange, but I can't be bothered.

I have had such a bad week with my DH, I just really need to get things down in writing in an attempt to try to understand what is going on.

Some background and context: My DH works full-time, and earns twice my FT salary. We have 2 DC, approaching 2 & 4yrs. When I returned to work after DC2, I went back on a PT basis, doing 2 x 10 hour days. Our DC go to private day nursery for these 2 days. One of the reasons for our decision to work like this was that we previously had a bad experience with a nanny, which made us opt for the reliability of day nursery, even though I am not totally happy with our choice. I would not be happy increasing the hours the DC spend at day nursery. We don't generally have family support for childcare, although MIL will occasionally help out if it is an emergency.

I am the manager of a small public sector unit, and I have experienced a lot of challenges managing the expectations of my boss, and delivering the work he expects within 20 hours a week. I spoke with my DH about a month ago and told him I wanted to increase my hours to 25 hours a week. My rationale for doing this, was that I am regularly working additional hours at the moment, whether it is at home, working late on my 2 work days, or attending conferences on my days off. I don't currently get paid for this, and although I love my job, I am beginning to resent the fact that it feels a bit like voluntary work. My proposal was to continue working 2 x 10 hour days, and to have the additional 5 hours a week as an 'annualised bank' of hours which I can draw upon for these additional requirements. My DH said he was fine with this. On this basis, I spoke to my boss last week, and suggested the amendment to my working hours, which he has supported.

So I mentioned to my DH last week that I had spoken to my boss about this. I also needed to work this Saturday (very unusual), as it is a really busy time of the year as we are approaching year end. Suddenly my DH is giving me a hard time, saying that weekends are our family time together and it is unacceptable for me to work at the weekend.

Now, my interpretation of this is that I already spend 3 days a week at home with the DC, so I get loads of quality time with them. At the weekends, my DH has a tendency to pursue his hobbies and I look after the DC whilst he does this, so it's not really family time. I think that since I look after the DC whilst he works, he should also look after our DC whilst I work, especially since we don't have many other options available. He says that he works full-time, and so should be able to relax at the weekends.

To mitigate the situation, I got up early with DC on Saturday (6.30am) and let my DH have a lie in to 9.30 when I left to go to work. I came back at 2pm to bring our DD to a swimming class, but still had loads of work to do. After the class, my DH was being really sulky and aggressive, so I said I had to get back to work. He then started to shout at me, told me not to go back to work, and when I said I had to, he said he was so angry he felt like hitting me. I said if he felt like that he should go and take some time out to calm down. He then came running at me with a raised fist, and so much anger and venom in his face. I ran to the front door, and had to pull it and hold it closed behind me, as he was trying to wrench it open to get at me.

I then got into the car, locked the doors and drove to work.

I am so shocked by this incident. My DH is normally gentle, and this has never happened before.

Things have been pretty grim since, and he has been sniping at me constantly, and trying to start arguments. I am also quite shocked by some of the controlling and coercive behaviour he has been displaying since.

I'm confused, upset, and part of me feels like my love for him has died.

not sure wht to say- he sounds like he just snapped and is now trying to justify his behaviour.

Can you sit downa nd really talk with him, or do you suspect he'll just start a row?

sorry, it's late and i'm not thinking straight... hoep you get some more help soon.

What pisses me off is that he says his job is more important than mine, because he earns more than me.

I love my career, which I have been in for the last 16 years. I don't measure worth by salary, and most of my male colleagues support their families on just their salary, so it's not exactly peanuts.

I have tried speaking to him since, but he just tries to start an argument.

TBH I am still here on MN at this time because I can't bear the idea of going up to bed. I may sleep in my DD's spare bed tonight.

that's awful - am and for you...
does he not realise that you are "working" full time too - two days a week at work and then three full days looking after your DCs...well, silly question, obviously he doesn't realise this, or he wouldn't be such an arse.
Only thing I can think of, is that something is going on with his job that he isn't telling you...I hope not, but in this economic climate, you never know..and he may be too proud to tell you? Grasping at straws, so feel free to ignore...

also, maybe you need a third party to talk to, to get to the root of the problem...
hope you can get some sleep

His behaviour is obviously totally unacceptable.

His main reaction seems to have been to the weekend work and a bit me me me, as in he won't be able to swan off and do the stuff he wants to without the kids. Pretty predicable I would have thought if he hasn't got the attitude that it is not 'babysitting' but actually parenting and that you guys are in that game together - so he is going to have to step up to the plate - whether it be for you to work or for you to get your hair done or just to give the kids some more intensive time with their dad - it shouldn't matter IMO.

Sounds like you need to get him onto neutral turf and relaxed a bit (red wine?) to get him to talk about what REALLY upset him and how he feels now AND to tell him that to scare you and threaten you like that is not acceptable and that you will not tolerate it.

It does sound as if he is furious at the idea of having to look after the children at the weekend. There is no justification for the way he has treated you. It is appalling. My BIL says that he is babysitting if he is looking after his own children and I have never understood it. You have done nothing wrong.

Oh my God, you poor thing. It sounds as if he's been building up these feelings for ages and has finally snapped.

What I think is more worrying is that he reacted so violently. That is a huge concern. Has he not even apologised for this absolute over-reaction?

His attitude stinks, I agree with AussieSim that you have to sit him down and explain that it is absolutely unacceptable.

Good luck x

I wonder if you should consider getting some marriage counselling sessions as it sounds like you need someone impartial to mediate if he keeps starting to argue whenever you try and talk.

Is he very stressed at the moment?

My normally lovely DH just snapped recently too. He wasn't violent to me but was chucking furniture around. He's under a lot of work stress and I think there's a lot of resentment towards me for having the "easy" option of child care (I work part time) and the responsibility of being main wage earner falling to him.

We've started bribing next-door's teenage daughter to babysit so we can get an evening off together once a week and just start talking a bit again. We'd lost sight of the fact that our relationship was all about us being good mates and just not communicating properly.

Good luck.

I think it is irrelevant why he has done this. Stressed, tired, etc etc. We are all these things but don't go around threatening our spouses.

What he did is unacceptable and I would make it quite clear that if he doesn't start acting like a decent man, husband and father he is out. And if he ever does that again, he is out.

You deserve full support and he is a prick.

I'm not sure what you should about your dh tbh I think I would write him a letter and see how he responds to that and if he apologises etc I would try to forgive and move on but I think tbh the fact he hasn't already apologised isn't good and it's no wonder you feel part of your love for him has died.

On the practical side if you are not happy with your childcare arrangements you can always change to a childminder who would be more flexible and cheaper than a nursery so then you could look at maybe 3 days during the week although saying this I do agree with your point about your dh should be looking after his own dc while you work though and you should definitely not be doing all the childcare at weekends when he does his hobbies where is his quality time with his children?

I think that what has happened is, for years - maybe even the whole length of the relationship - your H has been able to believe that he is the important one in the relationship. He is the Man and you are his domestic support system. This is probably the first time he has actually had to recognize that you are a person and do not exist merely for his benefit (ie you have chosen to do something that involves not putting his needs and whims first).
YOu definitely need to tell him that if he ever threatens you with physical violence again, that will be the end - you will call the police and have him removed from the house. Doesn;t matter if it's his house, with his name on the deeds etc, if he is violent to you the police will come and remove him from the house immediately and he might even be forbidden to return.

You said he hasn't been violent before, but has he shown any of this behaviour before (the controlling, picking arguments etc) or is it all new? If his personality has really just changed like that, it seems like there ought to be some reason for it - whether a medical reason, or an emotional one; it just sounds very odd if he hasn't been like that before. It also sounds odd that he has been picking at YOU since this incident, surely you are the one with grounds to be angry/upset - it almost sounds like he is deliberately trying to push you away (though it could be due to guilt I suppose).

That does NOT mean there is any excuse for his behaviour though. Think you need to have a serious talk with him, tell him that is NOT acceptable and ask him what the hell is going on.

oh god. the hitting thing is very worrying and if my husband did that to me, it would be over.

It's hardly your fault that you have a job you enjoy and he doesn't, so why is he punishing you for it? He made a choice presumably.

You are both working full time. I know that as far a pay goes, you work part time, but the rest of the time you are working unpaid. One could say that as so much of your work is unpaid you are more entitled to 'time off' than he is!

It really makes me angry when people pull this earning more=working harder stunt. It's bollocks.

if it was a true one off and he shows remorse and responsibility for this behaviour then you might be able to get over it...but from what you say he is not showing any remorse...

like i did for years - it sounds like you faciltiating his "relaxation" on weekends, he is getting away with not taking repsonsibility for the kids...i did this becuse it wasnt worth arguing.

he wanted to "sort out his study" i took kids off for the day.... he needed to sleep in the p.m. --i let him...and at one time we both had full time jobs.

then he left his work and did the child caring - supposedly - but i did as much as before.

you need some reassurance from him that that kind of behaviour wont happen again; you need to make it clear if it does you will call police and report it.

you have two chidlren and you are doing all the running; he still gets to do his hobbies.

i think there is more to it....you could suggest a few sessions with relate just to get some resentments out of the way in a safe environment, the issues over work and kids.

has he really suddenly changed to contrlling and coercive behviour or has it been brewing? was it already there subtly?

i realise now after leaving my ex last eyar adn reading lundy bancroft that it was there all along... it just got worse and worse, exacerbated in his case by a clinical depression - his belief he could control things extended to that as he refused to take medication!

my ex flipped out on odd occasions as you describe over the years... i guess i thought they were one offs...but i/we did not address it and it did go on to get worse/more frequent.

have a read of
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (Paperback - 1 Sep 2003)
21 Used & new from £6.80 amazon

it may have been a true one off - or you may recognize traits that go back.... there may be a chance to build back trust or there may not.

bringing up kids should be a partnership - it certainly wasnt for me.

The weekend thing is really bad - the fact that he regularly helps himself to free time at the weekend while you do more childcare. That is not on - it's not as if you have free time when you are not working, because you're with the DCs. So when you are both at home, you should share the childcare equally. If he gets time off for hobbies, you should be entitled to exactly the same amount of time while he does childcare.

I don't know what his problem is over your weekend work, and I'm really sorry you're having such an awful time. But I'd sit him down and explain the above and explain that he has had more than his fair share of weekend time for years and it's time you redrew the rules. If he won't listen, write it down for him.

for you

Tbh really don't know what to say, I think that you should write him a letter and tell him his behaviour is not acceptable, does he realise he scared you, What about your dd? did she see him act like this?

Thanks for the responses, some food for thought.

He has apologised, but only because I said to him on Monday that I felt he owed me an apology. All day Sunday he grunted and eye rolled any time I spoke to him, even about mundane child related issues. He said he was sorry, and that he wasn't like that, and I told him how scared he had made me feel.

The controlling behaviour since is about a phone call I was having on Sunday. He came in just as I was saying goodbye, and I said see you on the 24th. He demanded to know who I had been speaking to (this was the only occasion he spoke to me without grunting all day), and I said he didn't need to know. (It was a former nanny who I am meeting for coffee). He said it was his right to know, because he wanted to know who I was exposing 'his' children to. I told him he was being ridiculous, and was he seriously suggesting that I had to start running mine the DC's social calendar past him for vetting.

Yesterday I mentioned that I needed 'his' car to collect a really important work contact from the airport next week, (he has a lovely Audi A6, mine is a Golf which smells of DC, even though in reality we bought them both with joint money). He said, 'Are you going to tell me who you are seeing on the 24th?' and I said no, that out of principle I wouldn't be. He then said that out of principle I couldn't use his car. I asked him did he realise how dreadful his behaviour was, that because I wouldn't tell him who I was meeting, that he wouldn't let me use the car for an important work issue. I told him that it was controlling and petty. He thinks I am the one being controlling and petty.

It does sound petty, but I think this is awful. What next, restricting my access to the joint ccount? It also makes me wonder about the genuineness of his apology.

I am so frazzled with the work deadlines to be met at the moment, I really can't cope with him being like this as well.

You need to step on this behaviour now. He is about to escalate into sustained abuse of you because he does think he owns you, that you are 'lesser' than him and his needs come first.
Someone has already recommended Lundy Bancroft's book and I think it's probably a very good idea to read it but bera in mind that she holds out very little hope of getting an abusive man to fully understand that his partner is not an object, not his property, and is in fact a human being whose needs are just as important as his.

I wonder if there is something else going on with him, as this has never happened before? I would be tempted to say something like "let's get to the bottom of this, what is going on with you, this behaviour is seriously outrageous and it's not like you, is there something I need to know?" I don't want to alarm you but it could be something like an affair - it is known that when someone is cheating, they often project and start accusing the other person of infidelity and become more controlling and sometimes violent. Or he could be depressed, have work worries he's not telling you about, etc.

Re the meeting, you could say "The car is not the same thing at all. The principle is that I am not going to let you vet my calendar because I am not your possession or your slave. Would you like to have to run by me every person you see and everything you do and get my permission? Do you think that would be reasonable, or would you see that as possessive and controlling?"

i have to agree about what is the root of this problem

some men who are having affairs try and pick wee things and make you feel guilty (NOT SAYING HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR)

Also could he be jealous of ur work and how much you enjoy it, fair play i also work 20 hours a week mostly at night and it is hard going sometimes.

and your job sounds stressful.

i hope you get to the bottom of this and your obviously a great mum and a strong woman
!!

It does sound very suspect - especially if it's all just come out of the blue.

I have no advice to offer, but solidgold speaks a great deal of sense on these issues. I really hope that you can bring him up short and make him see how unreasonable and Victorian he's being.

He sounds like a spoilt brat who is outraged that his cushy routine has been altered. Clearly he believes his career and leisure time is top priority and sudely now feels he has to resort to animal like behaviour because he is not happy with this new routine. Whatever happened to communication? You have every right to be disgusted with him.

have there been absolutely no hints at this kind of behaviour before?

Please feel free to ignore this - but speaking from my own experience with my DH...
Could it be that he's always managed to successfully manipulate you to do as he wanted you to do before. Now that you're 'pushing back' and standing firm on this one, he wasn't able to cope with it so completely (and unacceptably) lost his temper?
As I say, just my own ramblings. Please feel free to ignore me.
I hope things improve, there's no way anyone can be expected to live with that kind of behaviour.
Good luck.