I should probably namechange, but I can't be bothered.
I have had such a bad week with my DH, I just really need to get things down in writing in an attempt to try to understand what is going on.
Some background and context: My DH works full-time, and earns twice my FT salary. We have 2 DC, approaching 2 & 4yrs. When I returned to work after DC2, I went back on a PT basis, doing 2 x 10 hour days. Our DC go to private day nursery for these 2 days. One of the reasons for our decision to work like this was that we previously had a bad experience with a nanny, which made us opt for the reliability of day nursery, even though I am not totally happy with our choice. I would not be happy increasing the hours the DC spend at day nursery. We don't generally have family support for childcare, although MIL will occasionally help out if it is an emergency.
I am the manager of a small public sector unit, and I have experienced a lot of challenges managing the expectations of my boss, and delivering the work he expects within 20 hours a week. I spoke with my DH about a month ago and told him I wanted to increase my hours to 25 hours a week. My rationale for doing this, was that I am regularly working additional hours at the moment, whether it is at home, working late on my 2 work days, or attending conferences on my days off. I don't currently get paid for this, and although I love my job, I am beginning to resent the fact that it feels a bit like voluntary work. My proposal was to continue working 2 x 10 hour days, and to have the additional 5 hours a week as an 'annualised bank' of hours which I can draw upon for these additional requirements. My DH said he was fine with this. On this basis, I spoke to my boss last week, and suggested the amendment to my working hours, which he has supported.
So I mentioned to my DH last week that I had spoken to my boss about this. I also needed to work this Saturday (very unusual), as it is a really busy time of the year as we are approaching year end. Suddenly my DH is giving me a hard time, saying that weekends are our family time together and it is unacceptable for me to work at the weekend.
Now, my interpretation of this is that I already spend 3 days a week at home with the DC, so I get loads of quality time with them. At the weekends, my DH has a tendency to pursue his hobbies and I look after the DC whilst he does this, so it's not really family time. I think that since I look after the DC whilst he works, he should also look after our DC whilst I work, especially since we don't have many other options available. He says that he works full-time, and so should be able to relax at the weekends.
To mitigate the situation, I got up early with DC on Saturday (6.30am) and let my DH have a lie in to 9.30 when I left to go to work. I came back at 2pm to bring our DD to a swimming class, but still had loads of work to do. After the class, my DH was being really sulky and aggressive, so I said I had to get back to work. He then started to shout at me, told me not to go back to work, and when I said I had to, he said he was so angry he felt like hitting me. I said if he felt like that he should go and take some time out to calm down. He then came running at me with a raised fist, and so much anger and venom in his face. I ran to the front door, and had to pull it and hold it closed behind me, as he was trying to wrench it open to get at me.
I then got into the car, locked the doors and drove to work.
I am so shocked by this incident. My DH is normally gentle, and this has never happened before.
Things have been pretty grim since, and he has been sniping at me constantly, and trying to start arguments. I am also quite shocked by some of the controlling and coercive behaviour he has been displaying since.
I'm confused, upset, and part of me feels like my love for him has died.