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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex Girlfriend getting back in touch... Yay or Nay?

31 replies

blinks · 16/03/2009 13:28

Would you be pissed off if your DH's ex got in touch to say sorry???

I am the ex girlfriend, now happily married, and i want to apologise to an ex (also happily married) for something i've always felt awful for. It's been on my mind lately and i thought it might put it to rest.

I don't want to tread on anyone's toes though or freak them out.

Is it a weirdy thing to do?

OP posts:

100yearsofsolitude · 16/03/2009 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iklboo · 16/03/2009 13:30

Sleeping dogs.....

Nabster · 16/03/2009 13:31

Having done that I would say, don't.

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 16/03/2009 13:32

whose benefit woulod it be for?

to make yourself feel better?
to make him feel better?
to make him think you are a nicer person than he thought??

think you need to ponder your motives...

AnyFucker · 16/03/2009 13:32

just leave it

its kinda selfish really to do something to make you feel better, when it may make things uncomfortable for the other person

neenztwinz · 16/03/2009 13:33

Yes I would be pissed off.

Galava · 16/03/2009 13:34

Not pi$$ed off at all.

Its a wierdy thing to do.

Why bother ?

DH had an ex gf contact him just recently. He thought it was a desperate cry and we had a giggle about it.

Hassled · 16/03/2009 13:34

Steer well clear. He might even have forgotten about whatever it is. I don't think there's anyway you can suddenly get in touch without the ex's wife or your DH questioning your motives.

themoon66 · 16/03/2009 13:35

Leave it. There is too much risk of it being misinterpreted by his DW.

mayorquimby · 16/03/2009 13:38

leave it. you are doing this for your own benefit not his.
if you are truely sorry for it, then your repayment to him would be to bear the burden of guilt on your own. not by dragging him back to past incidents only to make yourself feel better.

solidgoldbrass · 16/03/2009 13:39

There is no benefit in this. I suppose he might say he has forgiven you, but he is equally if not more likely to have forgotten whatever it was completely - or, if it was really awful, to still despise you and be very rude when you try to apologise, which wouldn't do you any good.
Unless it is something you can actually make amends for (ie you stole money/property or committed criminal damage against his property and are now in a position to send him a cheque) leave it alone and move on yourself.

sarah76 · 16/03/2009 13:40

Sorry, it's weird. Don't do it.

Original poster

blinks · 16/03/2009 13:41

hmmm these are all the things i've been questioning...

it's not for any desparate reasons. my DH knows i'm thinking about it and supports me either way. my DH was and still is friendly with this ex actually.

we weren't together anymore when it happened actually so it's not a relationship issue. i just feel i let him down as a friend when his parents died.

i suppose it's partly because it would make me feel better. i have to be honest but it's also because i've had counselling recently and it made me confront the shitty things i've done.

i'm sure he's perfectly happy though, without my apology, which is why i'm wondering if it's wise.

OP posts:

doggiesayswoof · 16/03/2009 13:41

It is already "at rest" - you have both moved on with your lives.

Leave it.

If I was the DW I wouldn't be annoyed as such but that's not the issue. There is no benefit to anyone involved.

neenztwinz · 16/03/2009 13:43

No don't do it, it would just dredge up bad memories for him.

solidgoldbrass · 16/03/2009 14:23

This sound like another of those wanky Bad Ideas that 12-step programmes and other dubious organisations go in for. Whatever you did sounds like a)it wasn't a big deal and b) isn't something that can be fixed or changed, so all you would be doing would be making him an involuntary participant in your therapy. He doesn't need your apology, so leave him in peace.

macdoodle · 16/03/2009 14:33

weird weird weird weird

Nabster · 16/03/2009 14:35

Galava, Why would you laugh?

flibertygibet · 16/03/2009 15:10

My dh's ex recently called him up in tears and apologized for all the things she put him through!

To be fair, I know her and her partner very well, and her kids..we are all friends and I certainly don't feel threatened by her.

My dh was actually touched by it as she did behave rather badly during their relationship. She is currently having some problems with her own relationship and having couples counselling and I think she recognised some of her old patterns.

I think it depends on your relationship with your ex - are you in contact? Are you friends? I don't see the problem in making amends if amends need to be made.

(gets ready for barrage of shouting....)

Haribosmummy · 16/03/2009 15:15

It really depends on your motives.

I am FB friends with my (only!) ex and I recently contacted him to remember his dad's birthday (his dad died some years ago).

I didn't expect a reply, worded my message so a response wasn't required and I didn't get one.

But, I felt his dad was a good person who deserves to be remembered. I was sad I missed his funeral. Nothing to do with my Ex, as such, more the memories I have of his dad. he was a lovely man and would have loved to have lived to see his grandkids.

Surfermum · 16/03/2009 15:20

Dh's x did something similar. Didn't piss me off at all, but I did find it odd to get it in the midst of all sorts of continued acrimony from her over contact with dsd.

The way I looked at it was that if she needed to do that to move on, and feel better about herself then good for her.

I agree with flibertygibet, I think it may depend on how it might be received. Maybe it's one of those letters that you need to write but never send? Maybe burn it instead and watch all your feelings of guilt go up in smoke .

Simplysally · 16/03/2009 15:27

Nice idea but I'd leave it. I daresay he's not too upset now at any perceived lack of support from you at the time (he may not have even noticed it) but mentioning it now might seem odd.

Having said that I have sent condolence cards wrt a family death to exes years after we broke up so I think we all feel this sort of need somewhere.

MorrisZapp · 16/03/2009 15:36

Nay. No need for contact with ex's now that you both have new partners.

Original poster

blinks · 16/03/2009 16:53

maybe i'm not so hardline about the exes thing as i'm pretty friendly with a couple of my DH's previous partners...

he was a great boyfriend but was keener than me. after we finished his parents died quite suddenly and i just regret not supporting him. he wasn't over the relationship and i didn't want to encourage him as i had a new partner (DH). we've spoken since but it's not been mentioned.

i take it all on board though and i might write the letter but not send it/chant around an open fire/apologise telepathically or summat.

my counselling was about trying to face up to horrible things that happened to me in the past so i suppose i'm trying to also confront things I have done to balance things out. wanky, perhaps but better than getting an ulcer methinks.

OP posts:

MorrisZapp · 16/03/2009 16:55

Are you planning to put in the letter that he was keener than you and that you didn't want to encourage him?

I suspect that neither he nor his DW will be cheered to hear that.

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