Please help me get perspective???

[twigsblankets]

After 5 years of a slowly deteriorating relationship, my DP has now left my house. He is currently living with his mother, her DP and 4 siblings.
We have a DD of 7 months.
He sees her every week, 3 times a week. He lives quite a way away now, so uses his mum's car to get here to pick DD up. I've tried to be as flexible as poss, but now he is telling me that MIL/FIL wont allow him to speak to me on the net, use the phone or the car, so he has to use public transport to get here. He wants me to let him stay at my house for the day, which originally, I didn't object to, as we seemed to be getting on quite well, but since then I have been severely pissed off by him, although I don't think he realises he has pissed me off.
Should I let him stay on the allocated days to see his daughter? I do want her to have a relationship with him, and she is suffering from seperation anxiety at the moment. I can't even leave the room sometimes because she gets sooooooooooo upset.
I don't know what to do. It feels like he is listening to mil and fil, who are pissed off that I have asked him to leave, instead of seeing them for the toxic parents they are.

They have denied him a roof before because they believe I will take him back instead, which I have done previously.

My DP claims he is going to get some help and therapy to deal with his head demons now, which are mainly from his childhood. He has been to the Dr's who has referred him to be assessed, but so far, one month later, no letter.
I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I didn't want to be a single parent on benefits, I didn't want to raise a child on my own, (I've done it once and know how hard and isolating it can be.) but I cannot live with my DP until he has had help and resolved his issues.

Any advice? I know I've rambled on abit . Sorry.

I don't know what to say but 7 months is about the time when babies cxry when you leave the room, so don't blame the separation on that. She might be picking up on your upset but you can't help that.

I don't think you should do anything just yet, you should take a step back and concentrate on yourself. Yes, being a single parent can be lonely and it can be difficult but so can living in a troubled relationship.

Also, you are not responsible for your partner. It is not your responsibility to give him use of your home to see his daughter, just the same as it is not his parents responsibility to put a roof over his head. While ever you and his parents are bailing him out he is never going to stand on his own two feet and take responsibility for himself.

I would say that he needs to get his own place, perhaps more local to you where he can see his daughter regularly. Before you consider getting back together with him he needs to prove himself to you or you are just going to end up with the same problems. You are finding it difficult being in the same house as him just for a day at the moment so imagine what it would be like if you took him back.

Thank you so much for your replies. I am nodding my head in agreement here. I just don't want my DP to seek legal advice and be told I am being a 'hostile mother' by not allowing him to use my home as a drop in centre.

Now we do know that there is no chance of that happening dont we

I think he may be playing the victim card and relying on your guilt complex kicking in. Dont let it! Dont be emotionally bullied into doing something you dont want to do. Stay strong!

Thanks so much. I can relate to the guilt complex thing.
He has been telling me how uncomfortable he feels living at his parents, and how much he wants to be back home, and tbh, I think it probably is pretty crap there. His mother hasn't helped him out in the last 12 years, and imho is a pretty crap mother.

I told DP (quite angrily, I have to admit) that if he was so unhappy there, then he should stand on his own two feet, get his own place, his own car and make a decision not to rely on them. I told him to grow up and stop relying on other people all the time. That way they cannot use anything over him.

DP was upset then, because he felt I was having a go at him as well as his parents.

Well it does sound as though he has a few issues of his own to work through before you even consider allowing him to come home. There is absolutely no point in him coming home for things to be just the same as before he left.

Try not to get sucked in by his 'poor me' story, you are not his rescuer, it is not your responsibility to make life easier for him. This doesnt mean you wont ever be able to have a relationship with him if thats what you want, it just means that for now you are taking care of yourself and leaving him to do the same. Once he has got himself sorted out you can then decide whether or not you want him back in your life. By that time you will be feeling stronger, your self esteem will be at an all time high and you are more likely to make the right decisions for the right reasons

Try very hard not to let guilt get in the way. Remember, its just a feeling and one you can choose not to feel.

You are not responsible for him. He is an adult and it is up to him to seek help: you have a child to look after, you don't need an inadequate adult hanging round whining and expecting to be fed and serviced.
It is not being a hostile or difficult parent to say that he can't come into your home to see his DD: there are plenty of other places he can see her. And all this stuff about how he isn;t allowed to communicate with you and has to travel on the bus sounds like a load of implausible bullshit.

I would also try not to get too involved in what he says about his mum, especially if you only have his word for it. Afterall, he did go back to her when he left you and she did allow him to so, things cant be THAT bad. He may be playing the victim card again.

Well done for standing up to him though I cant help wonder if he went home and told his mum how nasty you were to him

Time for me: What you are saying is ringing so true.

His mum came and picked him up because (Oh shit, I hope no one I know reads this) when she came to pick him up, he took DD with him. His mum has always been an overbearing mil, she wanted me to name DD after her and wanted to watch my fanjo as DD was being born. She has basically kitted out her house for DD to stay, so we never had to take anything over there. It was almost as if it was her baby.

Now DD is back with me, she seems to have lost patience.

SGB, I actually felt so much better reading yr post. Yr straight forward no nonsense made me laugh because its so true.

HTH twigs. You don't have to carry him: concentrate on yourself and your DD.

Thanks SGB.

Is there a link to the abbreviations used on here? I'm fairly new and have had a look but can't find it.

Oh, I've just found the acronym list.

Well, a little update, my DP called today and said he is picking DD up tomorrow since he has no choice but to use the car.

He is also apparently now allowed to use the phone once in a while.

Seems that by sticking to my guns, he realised I wont be walked all over.

Don't think he's very happy that I didn't succumb, since he hung up on me immediately after telling me this.

Is there anyone out there who can chat to me now? My DP has just been round, and I'm in need of some more perspective. I might get flamed.

He has gone now but I desperately need advice please??

what's up?

Hiya controlfreakythecontrolfreak. Thanks so much for answering.

My DP came over this evening, and within minutes of being through the door (I thought it was going to be amicable, how wrong was I) he made a cup of tea (no problem there) then when he put the teabag in the bin, he found a letter addressed to me on it, and could tell by the writing that it was from an old friend of mine, a man who has had a bit of a shine for me.
Since my DP has left, he has not given me any money towards supporting my DD, he bought her a toy and some juice last week, and thats it. (He provided her with powdered milk when he first took her, and so didn't take powdered milk for first few times he picked her up, but since that ran out, he has asked me to provide her with everything she needs, which is ok, because I am now getting benefit for her, but DP hasn't given me any money, even though I was left with alot of bills that I couldn't afford to pay, and my phone was totally disconnected. He claims he has been on the dole since he left and has had no money, but when he got a job, they paid him late.

My old friend has lent me some money, which my DP found out about and was not happy. He claims my friend (because he has a shine for me) could be a perv and could turn up on my doorstep and rape me in front of my DD.
I told my DP that he had failed to provide for my DD and I had (once again) been left with debts and bills he had helped me to accumulate while he was here, and what did he expect me to do?
He said 'Not that!!'
Now he has left, saying he cannot come back tomorrow to pick up DD (not my problem I said) because he thought I was going to let him sleep downstairs on my sofa (not much chance of that since this isn't the 1st time he has rifled through my things then demanded explanation since he's been gone! ). I told him that I was not happy to let him sleep on my sofa because I didn't trust him after what he's done before. He now said as he was leaving that he is going to ring my old friend and tell him I have no intention of repaying him (Not true) and he will sort things out and be with DD forever.
He also complained she has the worst nappy rash he has ever seen. (It's bad, but not terrible and I have been changing DD regular and putting metanium on, and DD seems happy enough at the moment but I will go to Dr's if it continues for nxt day or so.

The issue of residency is already going through court, because when DP took DD, at first he refused to return her unless I took him back too, which I refused to do, so he went for residency too. When he thought I would try to work it out with him, he 'apparently' dropped his application for residency.
I had an ex parte oreder for him to return DD at first, but the judge wanted to hear his side of things. We then decided through solicitors to amicably agree that DD should be returned to me, and DP would have flexible contact 3 days a week.
He didn't have her on the last contact day, although he's blaming me for that too. (It was me who told him to go and leave her in the first place)
I am so worried that he is going to see his solicitor and tell his solicitor that I am accepting money from a perv, when in fact it is a loan from an old friend.
Sorry this is long. My head is in bits, but I asked him to leave and now I dont know what to think.
I told him I wont allow him or his family to manipulate me any more and he definitely does not like it one bit and will do whatever it takes now to get his own way.
I don't even know if he is going to pick up DD tomorrow.
Any advice, and so sorry for the extremely long post.

My DP has also told me that his solicitor thinks he has a good enough case to get residency (my DP told me this, so don't know how true this is) if he had his own place.

All I wanted was an amicable split, but DP is very manipulative and controlling although he doesn't think so, and maybe its just me who thinks that.

He is going to try to dig as much dirt as he can, and so far, all the official people (police/judge/his solicitor/his family) have seemed to believe him that it is me. He told everyone I had mental issues and PND.

I don't know why they all believe him. I must be the wrong parent to be bringing up DD.

poor you, that all sounds really stressful and unfair....

from what you've said i get the impression that you have bent over backwards to facilitate his continuing contact with dd, even though it has been uncomfortable for you to have him in house etc...

he on the other hand has behaved unreasonably and unfairly.... it is not your fault or responsibility that he is having problems with his parents etc / with his job etc. it sounds as though because you wont do exactly what he wants he is bullying and abusing your good nature. he had absolutely no buisiness going through your private letters etc. ffs!

if there are already court proceedings what exacxtly does the order say re contact?? would be suprised if it says he can spend the day in your house / stay on the sofa! i think you need to get some advice from your solicitor if you have one... tell her / him what's been happening and what you want to happen about future contact....

he has a duty to support his dd financially, dependant on what he is earning etc. has he now made an offer about this?

good luck. sorry it's hard...

x posts!

well he would say that wouldn't he... pay no attention to him, but do speak to your own solicitor about all this...

You have got it spot on control.
I shall be speaking to my solicitor first thing in the morning.
He has told me he will give me money every week to support DD, but so far he has given me none. Since he went a month ago, I have actually lent him £10 which I haven't had back, and he has asked me to lend him a further £30/£40 which I wouldn't as I can't afford it. I have also bought him cigarettes, which he returned, but apart from the toy and the juice, nothing for DD.
The contact order said he was to have DD 3 days a week from 10 til 4pm, but that it was flexible. I have changed one of the days to 10 til 5.30pm because of his commitments and difficulty getting DD back by 4pm on that particular day since PIL need the car that day.

I feel I have put so much into my relationship with him, and bent over backwards throughout pretty much the entire 5 yrs. I put a roof over his head and food in his stomach and provided him with a car (which is now off the road) when he could never hold a job down for much longer than 6 weeks. Some jobs only lasted a day.
I'm now almost £11K in debt (all in my name ) which I am struggling to pay off and he flames me for accepting some help from an old friend .
He has not had DD on 2 of the days so far, once because he was ill and the other day was the last day.
I think I am finally really seeing him for what he is. I have previously kicked him out, and on at least one of those occasions, he threatened to kill himself. I told him this eve that I wont be manipulated by him anymore, that I see him for what he is, and he will never change.
He is adamant he will, but tbh, I don't really care or believe him.

When he walked through the door this evening, I didn't even want to hug him, I feel nothing for him, only anger and frustration at not being able to make him see.
All he seems to want to do is kiss and cuddle and sort the mess out. I think it is sorted, I dont want him anymore, and woe betide any woman who ends up with him.

He thinks I should explain where I am going, who I am seeing etc etc.
He doesn't believe me even when I tell him, or show him evidence!!!
I do not trust him in my home or in public.

I am just so sad for DD that she cannot have a loving peaceful family home with a mummy and daddy who love her and each other.

He has even humiliated me infront of my friends, and told them things I have said to him in confidence!!

One friend I am actually too embarrassed to speak to after what he told him.

I feel I have been left to pick up the pieces of a broken relationship, and brought a DD into the world to be in a debt ridden home with a father like that. I am so unhappy.

please be kind to yourself and stay strong... you've done the really hard bit! dont let him get to you / grind you down.... use your anger to sort out some arrangements which put the onus on him if he wants to see dd and dont put you in such an impossible situation.... good luck.

Thanks so much control.
Hopefully I'll sleep tonight and then I'll speak to my solicitor tomorrow.

He has just phoned me to tell me he will be picking up DD tomorrow at 10am.

I'm so sorry to rant on here like this.

I wish I could turn back time and see into the future.
I would never have given him the time of day.

Right, I'm going to be a little stern here, but only becaue I've been where you are:

Do not let him into your home again (certainly not to wander around making himself cups of tea and snooping either!). He can collect DD at the door just as satisfactorily. You need your own space with DD and for yourself when she is with him.

Do not lend him any more money or buy him anything else. His parents aren't stopping him using the internet, a phone or a car - only theirs.

When he does call, do not entertain that at what was presumably between the times of your posts: 23:50 and 00:04. Give him times at which he is welcome to call if you wish, or simply do not answer the phone outside of these times.

Do not cater to the whim of him changing his mind at such short notice ( this recent thread may be of assistance to you in this )

Do not apologise for making long posts

And do believe that you and DD deserve at least that much respect from him, because you do

Thank you so much notplayinganymore.

I have not been able to sleep yet, but I am feeling so much better after reading the posts on here.

You have all been so supportive and helpful.

I will make sure I have DD ready to go at 10am tomorrow and will not allow him into the house. I have told DP that I will have DD ready at 10am. For some reason, he seems to think that I am supposed to have her ready for 9.45am since the contact order says he has contact from 10am to 4pm.
I don't understand that, but I am thinking 10am is ok to open the front door and pass her over.

Thanks so much for your help. I am feeling in a much better place mentally now.