Please help me get perspective???

[twigsblankets]

After 5 years of a slowly deteriorating relationship, my DP has now left my house. He is currently living with his mother, her DP and 4 siblings.
We have a DD of 7 months.
He sees her every week, 3 times a week. He lives quite a way away now, so uses his mum's car to get here to pick DD up. I've tried to be as flexible as poss, but now he is telling me that MIL/FIL wont allow him to speak to me on the net, use the phone or the car, so he has to use public transport to get here. He wants me to let him stay at my house for the day, which originally, I didn't object to, as we seemed to be getting on quite well, but since then I have been severely pissed off by him, although I don't think he realises he has pissed me off.
Should I let him stay on the allocated days to see his daughter? I do want her to have a relationship with him, and she is suffering from seperation anxiety at the moment. I can't even leave the room sometimes because she gets sooooooooooo upset.
I don't know what to do. It feels like he is listening to mil and fil, who are pissed off that I have asked him to leave, instead of seeing them for the toxic parents they are.

They have denied him a roof before because they believe I will take him back instead, which I have done previously.

My DP claims he is going to get some help and therapy to deal with his head demons now, which are mainly from his childhood. He has been to the Dr's who has referred him to be assessed, but so far, one month later, no letter.
I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I didn't want to be a single parent on benefits, I didn't want to raise a child on my own, (I've done it once and know how hard and isolating it can be.) but I cannot live with my DP until he has had help and resolved his issues.

Any advice? I know I've rambled on abit . Sorry.

Update:

DP arrived at my home at 9.45am. I was upstairs getting a blanket for DD, and didn't get to the front door in time. Next thing I knew, I heard my back door open, and when I went downstairs, DP was standing in my living room. I asked him to leave, and told him I would pass DD over at 10am. He sneered at me and asked me how long DD had been left alone in frontroom for. I said I had just nipped upstairs to get a blanket for her. DP said I was being silly asking him to leave (after everything that has gone on!!)

DP finally left the house, and I continued getting DD ready. At 10am, I passed her over. I asked DP what time he would be returning her, he didn't reply, so I said 'See you at 5.30pm then.'
At this, he said it would be 4pm. (The court order is 5.30pm). I told him 5.30pm was fine.

I told him that as far as me and him are concerned, it is over. He said I am 'pushing it too far now!'

He left with DD.
He returned DD at 6pm (claims to have got stuck in traffic) and first thing he says is 'Did you go out today?'
I asked why he wanted to know.
He said 'Because I have spoken to social services and they are paying you a visit tomorrow. I have also spoken to my solicitor. We'll see what the judge makes of your behaviour!'

The judge has already ordered a section 37 report due to the DV that went on in my relationship whilst my DD was in the house.

WTF am I supposed to say to social services?
I know what DP will probably have complained about.

1. DD has recently in last 2/3 days got nappy rash, which I am treating with metanium and it seems to be getting better.
2. His apparent concerns over me accepting a loan from a friend (friend is male so according to my DP, he is quite clearly a pervert who could possibly turn up on my doorstep, even though he lives in Northern Ireland, and rape me in full view of DD)
3. I used to work on an adult chatline, to keep the roof from over my head, when my DP didn't contribute, and he is now saying he believes I 'met' my friend from when I worked on the chatline, and that he is a perv and this is what he is going to tell his legal advisor!!! All bloody lies!!!

My DP even asked me to give him some money for his debts if I borrowed anymore from my friend, because he has debts!!
(Later said that was a joke, but I don't believe him. He has asked me for money throughout our relationship, and I had to resort to hiding money so he wouldn't spend it. He has even stolen from my DS and my DD, as well as me.

What am I going to do or say?????

I wouldn't worry too much - you don't even know if he really did contact social services - but even if he did they are pretty skilled at this sort of stuff. i have a friend in child protection who says she is always getting calls from disgruntled dads who can't have their own way!
Frankly most babies get nappy rash at some time in their lives and if he's told social services that he wants them to investigate a loan!!?! then frankly he's living in la la land - all of that stuff was meant to make you panic because he couldn't get his own way. Stay calm!

Thanks so much Kate. I was starting to get worried. I will have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens.

Does he still have a key to your house then, or was the back door unlocked?

"I asked DP what time he would be returning her, he didn't reply, so I said 'See you at 5.30pm then.'
At this, he said it would be 4pm. (The court order is 5.30pm). I told him 5.30pm was fine. "

Well played

Sounds as if he was about to claim Social Services had visited that day, whereas not only would he have been stupid to contact them at all, but also I doubt they would tell him when they were visiting, even if he had. For all they know, the nappy rash could have been his fault! I think he's just trying to scare you. Don't be worried about calling them yourself to confirm or deny this if you want to because you've done nothing wrong and as Kate1956 says, they get this all the time.

"My DP even asked me to give him some money for his debts if I borrowed anymore from my friend, because he has debts!!"
LOL - he can't have it both ways! Your financial affairs are nothing to do with him anyway, so he can believe what he likes.

However, I think that from now on, you should restrict conversation with him only to contact arrangements and genuine everyday concerns regarding DD's welfare (has she eaten, had a nap etc.). If he wants to discuss anything else like court and solicitors, he can put it in writing, when I get the feeling you'll find his bark's worse than his bite

Hi all.
Thanks for all your messages. They make so much sense when my head can't seem to see it clearly, so thanks.
Social services did turn up today. (I have had the same social worker around before because of the section 37 report.)

My DP has made allegations that:

DD has nappy rash, which DP is aware that children do get, but DP thinks it may be due to neglect.
I showed SW the nappy rash (which has virtually cleared up now and explained what I was treating it with, metanium cream) and asked the social worker why, if DP was so concerned was his first port of call not the GP's or the health visitor, since he has PR, and hasn't made any attempt to get any medical advice or see any medically qualified person about.

I have accepted money from a pervert who I have given my address to, whom I apparently met on a sex chatline.
I explained that the person who loaned me the money is a friend I have known for 7 years and I did not meet him on a chatline!! and whilst DP may have concerns as to who I am giving my address to, it is none of his concern whether I borrow money from a friend or not. SW said the concern was that I was giving my address to someone I do not know.
I then told the SW that DP was quite happy for me to get a loan, so long as I shared the money with him, which I refused to do, and has since made these allegations.
I also asked the SW what his advice on how long to get to know people before giving them my address was.
SW said it is different because my friend is a man.
A man who lives in NI, I pointed out. I don't think he will be dropping in on the off chance for tea. And I also asked the SW to elaborate on why it's a problem because he's a man? SW said a man could physically attack me.
So could a woman!

I also asked SW if I built up a friendship with someone and invited them to my home, and they attacked me, would he consider that to be my fault I was attacked?
He said No.

I'm sorry to say I was quite angry as I couldn't see what the problem was in giving a friend my address after I have gotten to know him over a period of time.

This friend has never 'just turned up' at my address and in fact I have only met him in social settings with other friends who also know him.

My DP also complained that I neglect DD because I am on the internet on and off whilst at home.
I suggested to the SW that if my DP felt so strongly about my use of the internet, perhaps he should not pay for it direct debit out of his account every month.

DP doesn't know what was said between SW and myself today, but now can't have DD tomorrow because he is working and wants her saturday and all night saturday night too.

"My DP also complained that I neglect DD because I am on the internet on and off whilst at home.
I suggested to the SW that if my DP felt so strongly about my use of the internet, perhaps he should not pay for it direct debit out of his account every month. "

I never, ever say this but O M G

• how stupid is he?!

Like I said: he can't have it both ways!

To be honest, I'm not as surprised that the social worker turned up (probably have to follow things through, especially if they've been alerted due to a court report) as I am that he's basically told you you shouldn't ever give your address to a man under any circumstances. Sounds very old-fashioned to me
How did they leave things with you today?

The SW just said he was still compiling his report, but had yet to speak to MIL, then we have to wait until court.
He didn't seem to have alot else to say.

unless it is in the court order OR you are happy with it dont agree to change the contact arrangements / let him have her overnight.

from everything you have written on here he is continuing to try to bully and control you. if there was dv in the past then there is a serious power imbalance between you and you need to prioritise your safety and wellbeing.... he is messing with yoiur head and undermining your confidence. please dont let him. make a not of al these things and lat your solicitor know what's going on.

good luck.

Thanks for all yr help control!

DP didn't have DD on his last day of contact. He was working. I asked him to call me to discuss his new working hours.
He finally txted me to say
'I've lost the plot. Can't call you right now'
I didn't respond.
2 days later, his mother left a message on my answering machine to ask if I had heard from DP, since he had been missing for 2 days and she had no idea where he was, and she was getting worried!
He returned to PIL that day after she had left the message, I assume.
He called me to say he was not coping very well with the situation, and I told him I didn't think it was a good idea he had DD tomorrow (his next contact day) and he sorted his head and thoughts out.
He wasn't happy about this. I offered to let him take DD if his mother came to collect her and was present for the day. He wouldn't entertain that idea, so I called his house up. DP answered and at first refused to let me speak to MIL. Said she wasn't there. Eventually, she came to the phone, and she said
'I think DD will be fine with DP, and tbh, not allowing him to have DD is not necessary behaviour from you. Neither you or DP are in a good place mentally to look after DD at the moment '
She went on to say DD would never come to any harm with DP, and that he was fine, just down and depressed about the situation.

She then said she was far too busy helping her own DH to accompany DP to collect DD, and would be in and out all weekend.

She was very abrupt and not very nice at all. I felt like I was being told off.

Now I don't know what to do, and I'm furious, especially with MIL!!!
If she is telling me this, wtf is she filling DP's head with?????

DP also said that if he could not live with DD again in the future 'he wouldn't be around for very long'.
DP has threatened to kill himself before.
I do think he is in a fragile state at the moment, mentally, but for his own mother to be so acid tongued to me (it was way she was saying it more than what she was saying) just condones his behaviour as understandable and reasonable to expect.

HELP!!!!!!!!!!

Not sure what to do about contact. I'd probably refuse due to not being reassured of DD's welfare but it's a matter of how to enforce that. Maybe you should just take her out for the day to avoid a situation at home for now.

Whether the suicide threats about custody are genuine or blackmail, it's not your problem anymore. It may sound harsh but your mental health and that of your DD are your priority, not his.