just sitting looking at my ringless hand

[itsbeingsocheerful]

as an experiment to see what it looks like after 20 years. Just had yet another family row in which DD1, 15, suggested that if I'm so unhappy maybe I should just leave.

Think she's probably right, pretty sure she and the other 2 plus DH will feel more than a bit relieved. I know I've turned into a constant nag, but it doesn't seem to make any difference.

So I suppose my question is: Do I expect too much of them and too little of me? I work three days a week in the office - when I get home really late as work is a two commute away - and at least two at home but do the lions share of the housework and all of the family diary-keeping etc.

DH, who works longer hours on his own business, has never arranged a holiday, break, birthday party.

I feel like a drudge and insignificant at home, made worse by the feeling of being respected and integral in my reasonably senior job.

So I hope you wise women will forgive my first-time and rather long intrusion, and help me decide my next step? I really have no idea what to do next

Perhaps you should draw up a rota of who is expected to what, your dc should be helping around the house.

I would recommend you take up some hobbies/start going out, start enjoying life and ignore the things that turn you into a nag.

Leaving is drastic and won't necessarily make you any happier, you need to be happy with yourself first.

Thanks CarGirl. The dc do eventually help but not until a full-scale row has taken place or the price is right

I have thought of the hobbies thing, but there just never seems to be the time. I did start riding again, but had to cancel so many times, cos of kids stuff or work that it I stopped in the end. I think thats half the trouble, everyone else's stuff always seems to be more important than mine.

You see I think you need to stop the rows, give them jobs that affect them before they affect you??? Washing/ironing - if need be wash your own stuff and not theirs?

Link chore completion with weekly allowance & transportation!

Do you food shop on line?

I guess book your riding lessons put them on the calendar and make it known that you are NOT available at those times? Perhaps you just need to assert your needs and then they will have to recognise you for yourself IYSWIM.

OP, I'm sitting here thinking exactly the same thing. Except that it is my DH who says he is leaving Apparently my anger with the children is damaging to them and to our relationshi?? His announcement a couple of months ago was comletely out of the blue as far as I was concerned. Yes, I shout at the children, show me a mother of 3 who doesn't? But in the brief conversations I have had with the kids about it (without wanting them to know yet that Daddy is planning to leave) they all admit that they ignore me when it suits them and that they should do more, but there is always something more interesting on TV/computer/Playstation.
I too have always put theirs and my DHs needs first - I work P/T around school and am always at home when DH rings to say he is working late or stuck in traffic. Sitting here wondering if I have been made a fool of?

There is an obvious answer here...go away for a week on your own..somewhere nice and relaxing, doesn't have to be expensive.

DO NOT leave all meals cooked, all clothes washed, any shopping lists , any instructions about anything.

See what they are like when you return.

Would think they will welcome you back with open arms if they have any sense!

For what it's worth I think your daughter needs reminding that she is a child and it is not her house. I am quite shocked that she spoke to you like that and that you are seriously considering her suggestion. I would be suggesting she got a flat on her 16th birthday.

You are absolutely being taken for granted. Let them get on with it, get a cleaner give DH the bill and start enjoying your life again.

Your daughter has said you should leave if you are not happy?

I have confronted DH time and again, and there has been some very gradual changes over the years, but its one step forward, 1000s back! And just as with Howdidwe... it's apparently my anger management that's the issue, not their fecking laziness.

As the kids get older I do feel much more taken for granted. I try to get them to do stuff but the youngest DS1 is still only 7, so i get shot down for not being consistent.

In defence of DD1 - I just can't help it - it wasn't said in a confrontational way, more of a 'maybe it would make you happier if you weren't with us' way IYSWIM. But then she also said 'if we're lazy, where do you think we got it from'! It's a good job I'm not the violent sort.

I think she is totally out of order talking to you like that and I would go on strike for her. Cheeky mare.

I agree with Nabster. How dare she speak to you like that? I don't think that the second version is much better.

Although I think there is a point at which young people should be taking responsibility for their own behaviour I also agree with Dittany - it sounds like there is a problem in this relationship with the balance of power and respect. If you want respect then you have to start by respecting yourself.

Yep, the balance of power is definitely skewiff at the moment. I'm hoping that its a temporary blip while she finds her adult feet as it were. Her dad is given quite short shrift as well, but obviously he deserves it far more

TBH her interventions are a relatively new thing, but she touched a nerve as separation has long been on my mind. And it made me think maybe we would all be better off, if they were left to wallow in their own mess.

I probably do need to find a way to make my own life a bit more interesting, but we've not long lived here and friends are a bit thin on the ground. Excuses, excuses I know

It does feel like exploitation, Dittany. He will do stuff, he's just doing Sunday lunch now, shame it's teatime, but it's a direct result of the row this morning.

I always have to ask, or shout, for help. Nothing is ever done without me wheedling or yelling.

I quite often have to stay in town Friday night because of my job. When I got home last night the place was an absolute tip, which was apparently the girls' fault cos he'd asked them to tidy and Hoover and they hadn't. So guess who's the ogre now?

He also expects me to help out with his business on top of everything else.

But I suspect I've put up with it for so long, that it's not surprising they all think that's what I'm here for.

Trouble is I can't believe the grass will be greener anywhere else. And to top it off I hate this whiney, not to mention winey, person I have become. And as brett says, why should they respect me, if i can't respect the me shouting at them

isbeing

just stop doing things, treat them like adults and expect them to act like it, or treat them like children and they most certainly will.

Go for a short sharp shock approach. You sound just like my mum, im only 21 btw so probably ignore most of this! My mum carried on doing stuff and would almost matyr herself rather than just let things not get done.

Also pick your battles, what bothers you the most? get that sorted, then sort the small things.

definatly make time for youself aswell,when mum started yoga and golf again she was much better as she had time that was hers. Whoever said linking chores to lifts etc is also right, hoover for a lift to a friends.

The argument about consistency is hard, but 15 year olds can do more than 7 year olds, plus 15 year olds can undertand doing jobs.

My sister also used to say to mum maybe it would be better if you left, she never meant it though.

I like Get a Grip's idea. Book a week away, book the time off work, and then tell them you're off just before you go. As well as making the point it'll give you some valuable thinking time.

If you don't do thinigs who does them?

Prehaps if you stopped assuming responsability for doing things for your children and husband they will start doing more for themselves. On the days you are going to be late ask one of them "what's for dinner?", "have you seen my zyx" as if they have put them away.

It used to be the same as yours in our house.... and now I have learnt that it is not my place to do everything. Dinner is done by the first person who is hungry, the washing by the person who needs the clean shirt most.

As one of the other posters put ^ take time for yourself without feeling guilty.

we've been bickering lately- have drawn up a roster of chores and a menu planner-it has literally everything we do/need to do on it-I used to get stressed the kids would get scurvy if left to him to cook despite the fact he lived on his own,quite succesfully for almost 20 years-anyway-it has saved us bickering-write down everything you do/needs doing from lifts for this kid to bathing and bedtime for the 7 year old and divide it up.
my teenager played (she's mine,not his) at the same time he felt he was being taken for granted (he doesn't think i work-i childmind and spend ten hours a day,five days a week with two one year olds) i feel more in control and so does he-we now seem to help each other out and are spending time together discussing things more. in my very very humble opinion you maybe need to become mrs roster and see how you feel then,pencil in 'your stuff' and on that night you aren't availableperiod i also realised that i never,ever said thank you to him-that helps a lot. good luck

I agree with whomever said you need to go away for a full week and leave them to sort themselves out. I'll bet they'll no longer underappreciate you!

Thanks everyone for all the advice. Sorry I abandoned the thread, got lost somewhere at the bottom of bottle last night.

I would try to answer all your points, but will probably sound like i'm justifying their behaviour.

I don't think DH is sexist, Dittany, he just isn't practiced at the 'if you don't do this, then this will happen' school of getting the buggers to do anything. I've been pretty much the primary carer for most of their lives.So when he asks them and they say later and later turns into never, he's sort of lost. What he actually wants to do is physically force them, but obviously he can't. But he won't then do it cos it undermines his principle that they should.

But we did talk about that last night, and so he told them all this morning that unless they did x,y,z when they came home from school they could forget about their taxi service this week. Which is a start, at least it's not just me anymore.

I know I sound pathetic, but I'm just not sure i can just leave for a week. I know people do it and not even as a 'punishment' but as a normal expectation. Maybe I'm worried I just won't want to come home! In all our 20 years I've never been away by myself and probably count on one hand the times just the two of us have gone away.

That's possibly the nub of my problems right there!

I do like the idea of a full family rota, Sleepless. We've had a kids' rota, and even have a pocket money tariff for the various chores - so stuff gets done only when they want something! But not one that includes me and DH. It might actually help him visualise exactly how much I do, that he thinks the fairies manage when his back's turned.

I feel like I've just had a very cheap counselling session. Thanks for listening, those of you who have made it this far. But I feel guilty now that I've spent time here when there's work to be done, and washing to hang, especially as its a perfect drying day!

Do you enjoy your job - if so, why not consider going back full time if you are able to. I know that this sounds but a) it might be less stressful than being at home (I know that it certainly is in our house and we've only got 1 ) and b) it would put you at the same 'status' as him ie working full time. Then it would only be sensible to both share the parenting, equally. You could also get a cleaner - possibly 2x per week (?) and tell the children that their rooms will only be cleaned by the cleaner if they are tidy (and give cleaner instructions similarly!)

I do think that a week away - or even a long weekend - would do you good, and might make the rest of your family appreciate you a bit more. How about going to a spa or something and really trying to have a relaxing time?

I do enjoy my job mistlethrush, but unfortunately I can't up my hours, in fact I'm waiting to hear if I might lose some I'll find out this week.

If I do lose any it will reduce my chances of going away, even if I can stop playing the martyr! We have only just got back on track moneywise after having had to sell our house in London and move here, miles away from anyone we know.

And I'll have to be home more and then I'll have no excuses for refusing to be the scullery maid!