Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you. - What does this mean exactly?

34 replies

pearlpeony · 14/03/2009 11:38

I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you. - What does this mean exactly?

My husband has said this to me twice over the past week. He still finds me attractive though, obviously so. So it is confusing.

I would be interested to know if anybody had this said to them and what happened as a consequence. It feels like it is all over with our relationship for me.

OP posts:
fattiemumma · 14/03/2009 11:40

he loves you. but as a friend rather than that all consuming passionate love that we all want in a partner.

is my understadning anyhow

purepurple · 14/03/2009 11:42

does he mean he's lost that spark, that "something" that made it special?
have you been married a long time, has life got mundane and boring?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 14/03/2009 11:44

I don't know. Have you asked him to clarify exactly what he means?

JazzHands · 14/03/2009 11:45

Can you ask him?

It doesn't sound that good to me.

Unless he means the the "honeymoon period" is over and although he loves you very much it's not the initial crazy thing any more? And he has just put it badly?

for you.

Original poster
pearlpeony · 14/03/2009 11:47

Oh, he said he loves me as the mother of his children. We've been together 8 years.

OP posts:
StercusAccidit · 14/03/2009 11:49

Its a cop out thats what it is.

IMHO.

Dump him and get a new one

That TRULY loves you and tells you every day that they do.
Its the least you and your kids deserve.

purepurple · 14/03/2009 11:52

the phrase "cop out" did spring to my mind as soon as I read the post but didn't want to be the first to say it

Original poster
pearlpeony · 14/03/2009 11:55

by "cop out do you both mean it's a way of softening the blow and really he doesn't love me at all?

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 14/03/2009 11:56

He loves you in the way that many long-term partners love each other. Reliably, constantly, affectionately. He isn't consumed with passion and doesn't ache to be with you every second of every day.

IMO perfectly normal. Would you really want a partner that was always irrational and obsessed?

However I think it's bad form to tell you so. A certain amount of self-delusion is required.

purepurple · 14/03/2009 11:59

I think you need to have a heart to heart and talk this through
If he doesn't love you then he needs to be honest with you, it's the least you deserve
and I agree that he really shouldn't have said anything if he does stll love you and you should tell him how it has upset you

good luck

twinsetandpearls · 14/03/2009 12:01

IMO he wants out and is trying to find a nice way of saying it. He may have some lingering affection for you but there is no passion.

I think you can be in love with someone without aching to be with them every moment of the day.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/03/2009 12:03

Think he wants out of the relationship. Its an awful phrase to say to anybody.

OrmIrian · 14/03/2009 12:07

It does seem an odd thing to say out of the blue. You do need to ask why he said it I think.

StercusAccidit · 14/03/2009 12:11

Yes but purepurple.. i am brave

And i have had it said to me

I think its a terrible thing to say.
If he wanted to show you he loves you in a long termy sort of way he would just show it, wtf was he thinking (oh sorry some men don't do this) when he came out with that crap.

Flower you will feel worried and down until you have it out with him.
Agree with ormirian tbh.
Maybe he's sitting somewhere now trying to extract his foot from his mouth.

They are arseholes sometimes aren't they jeez..we have evolved from cavemen times, they just got dragged along. Kicking and screaming.
Tell him how you feel and how much his comment upset you.

Also, what led him to say that? Did you ask if he loves you or something?

JazzHands · 14/03/2009 12:25

Is he usually kind - or is he the sort of person who says things on purpose to upset you? I know some people do...

It's a really horrible thing to say, not least because afterwards you can claim it didn't actually mean anything

solidgoldbrass · 14/03/2009 12:33

I am afraid it usually means 'I love the fact that you cook, clean, pick up after me and do the childcare. However, I want an excuse to have sex with someone else.'

JazzHands · 14/03/2009 12:34

It's a really horrible thing to say, not least because afterwards he can claim it didn't actually mean anything

beanieb · 14/03/2009 12:34

In what context did he say this? Just out of the blue as a throwaway comment he thought might be nice for you to hear?

if someone said that to me then I'd be asking 'ok, when will you be contacting your solicitor about the divorce?'

JazzHands · 14/03/2009 12:35

I'm afraid that what SGB says sounds about right to me as well.

You really need to talk to him, second guessing will only get you more upset.

Original poster
pearlpeony · 14/03/2009 12:36

Whatever it means, he means it. He didn't say it in an unkind way if that makes sense.
I ignored it the first time he said it a few days ago, but now he's said it again I can no longer ignore.
We've had a few problems and suppose have been growing apart, so I suppose there is no going back.
If he only loves me in a platonic way, or it's just an excuse for not loving me at all then I don't want to be with him

OP posts:
Cadelaide · 14/03/2009 12:39

Excellent post from Ormirian.

There are many ways of loving, and it ebbs and flows over time. Try to make sure you keep talking to one another.

twinsetandpearls · 14/03/2009 12:43

Maybe it can be a catalyst for change, dp and I have been through a very rocky phase and I said something similar to him. It did mean I like our family, I like your company but I think there is someone else out there who could be better suited to me. But importantly I wanted to feel in love with dp, I said it to make things better and not as a means to exit. We have been to counselling and have done a lot of work on our relationship and we are the happiest we have ever been. So perhaps your dh wants things to get better and like me that is what he is trying to communicate/

Niecie · 14/03/2009 12:46

There is a book with the quote as its title here

He is trying to tell you he isn't happy with your relationship and he needs something to change.

The book is worth a read.

solidgoldbrass · 14/03/2009 12:46

PP: maybe he means that he wants to split up with you and yet still feels affection and respect for you and wants the split to be amicable.
You will have to talk to him, really.

beanieb · 14/03/2009 12:48

you should at least ask him 'are you "in love" with someone else?'