I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you. - What does this mean exactly?

[pearlpeony]

I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you. - What does this mean exactly?

My husband has said this to me twice over the past week. He still finds me attractive though, obviously so. So it is confusing.

I would be interested to know if anybody had this said to them and what happened as a consequence. It feels like it is all over with our relationship for me.

The premise of the book is that couples often go for counselling saying exactly this and thinking their relationship is over.

It isn't necessarily but it does need some work to reconnect as partners and lovers.

In what context did he say it?

Was it said out of the blue / part of a relevant conversation / during an argument?

Agree with twinsetandpearls that it might be a catalyst for change and be treated positively.

I think the only person who can explain what he meant is your husband, so you perhaps could do with a chat.

Of course all relationships come out of the "honeymoon" phase. Sometimes we can go through feelings of mourning that we're not going to go through that whole heady "first love" phase - but there are different and deeper ways of loving.

I hope you are able to sort it out.

i would suspect strongly that it meant that he thought he was in love with someone else

This reminds me a bit of that SATC where carrie's bloke says "he's not that into you", thus saving miranda a lot of analysis and second guessing. (Only remember cos it was repeated recently BTW!).

There is little point us all saying what we think, we don't even know OP or her DH or anything about their relationship and I'm worried all this will just be upsetting.

OP you need to go and talk to him ASAP and find out whether you actually have something to worry about or not.

It's right up there with Prince Charles's "whatever 'in love' actually means."

So so sorry, but agree with CountessDracula's comment.

Ask him to elaborate whilst formulating a hypothetical Plan B (which may or may not be used).

I suppose he's trying to say that the heady days of passionate love-making, days spent obsessing about the other person, nights lying awake together making love and talking for hours on the phone are over. Thta's what 8 years together to for you.

The state I described has been named limerence and usually fades after 2 years when the relationship moves into a more secure, stable phase. That's not to say that the spark goes, but it lights up in a look or an activity and it's there again...but then goes. That's not a bad thing though because no person could spend their entire relationship in a limerence stae which is actually a chemical reaction in their brain and makes people in love literally do crazy things. Not a good thing if you have to work, bear kids, pay the bills, take the trash out.

There is a good book written about exactly that phrase by a RELATE councellor in the UK. Maybe that will help you to get more out of your relationship in the phase you are in now. It has couples' tasks, etc. Very good.

pearl - IS there aything in whats been going on recently that makes any sense of this? have either of you tried to 'fix' this?

By saying this to you it is not certain that it is the end - after all he could ahve just come out and said it was over. The real question is where you go from here and you need to ask him this question, if he doesn't see a way back you need to know.

I don't agree with this idea of i love you as the mother/father of my children, it just doesn't sit right with me.

Is there a reason you ignored it the frst time he said it? Is it possible you've been ignoring other things that he has been trying to tell you?