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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I stay or should I go?

27 replies

lessoftwoevils · 13/03/2009 20:41

OK,my situation is this and would like some advice please.

Am married with 2 children who are 5 and 7.
DH is constantly coming home drunk to varying degrees and tonight he has just come in as I am putting the children to bed staggering and incoherant.
We sleep in seperate beds and have done for awhile due to his drinking and are just about civil to each other.

So what do you think is best for the children.

A-To stay in the marriage and shield my children from his drinking as much as I can.
Although this is getting harder as the children get older.
A friend said that they have seen first hand experience of what parents splitting up can do to children and she advised me to keep them safe and happy and just continue with the marriage.

B-Divorce him,as much as that would cause heartache all round the children would not have to witness his drinking.

Would appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
compo · 13/03/2009 20:42

c) get him some help?

diedandgonetodevon · 13/03/2009 20:44

I agree with Compo. Has he (or you) tried to get help? Surely that should be the 1st step unless your relationship had broken down before he started drinking.

Nabster · 13/03/2009 20:55

I was going to answer and then felt like it was too much of a big decision for strangers to decide your future.

I wish you well.

BitOfFun · 13/03/2009 20:56

I may be flamed for this, but from the description of many MNers' miserable childhoods here around drunken parents, I would say talk to AlAnon and be prepared to divorce. So sorry for you going through this, it sounds horrendous.

TheDevilWearsPrimark · 13/03/2009 20:59

C - make an intervention, give him a bit of time to change.

Why is he drinking so heavily? Is he lacking something in his life?

If he fails to change hen yes kick him out.

lessoftwoevils · 13/03/2009 21:09

He is been drinking since I have been with him 18 years and has never sought help.
He always said he would especially when the children cmae along but nothing has changed.

I have lost all respect for him.
The things he has done and said in the past I can't forgive.

Can think of numerous occasions where he has let me down.

the eve of our wedding
our wedding night
my mothers funeral
my brothers funeral a works due
my daughters 5th birthday party

etc etc etc

Am I a bad mother for allowing my children to stay in this situation or a bad mother for splitting the family up?

I can't win.

OP posts:
nkf · 13/03/2009 21:13

You will get a number of different responses on here. There are people who are devastated by their parents' divorce and people who wish their unhappy parents had split up. There are people who respect mothers for sticking it out and others who wish they hadn't.

I'm sorry. That's not much help. Would you lvoe him if he didn't drink? I have a friend with a husband who drinks and she does like and love and respect the sober man he often is. That's different from not respecting someone at all.

lessoftwoevils · 13/03/2009 21:16

I am not sure I do love and respect himwhen he is sober.
He drinks most days ,not to the extent where he gets really drunk so it is hard to tell.

He has said some really nasty things in the past and I can't forget them.

Also what am I teaching my children about love and marriage when we sleep in different rooms and hardly talk to each other?

OP posts:
nkf · 13/03/2009 21:18

It's not a good message. The message children thrive on seeing is two happy parents living together and loving each other. I think so anyway. It's degrees of not goodness after that. And I don't know where not great becomes intolerable. I think it's different for everyone.

BitOfFun · 13/03/2009 21:21

I think you know in your heart what you want really, and you are just getting to the point of bring able to say it out loud here. You aren't breaking up a happy home- he is making it's existence impossible. I have a feeling you will feel much happier out of this situation and better able to help your children without the strain of his drinking. Perhaps it will jolt him into making some changes too?

theDreadPiratePerArdua · 13/03/2009 21:26

Decide for yourself what 'safe and happy' means. Make your decision based on this (and not on what friends might say). Good luck.

poshsinglemum · 13/03/2009 21:28

How are you supposed to keep your children safe and happy when a drunk puts them to bed?

lessoftwoevils · 13/03/2009 21:33

I just feel so selfish thinking that I deserve to be happy and that a happy mother would be better for my children than a mother who is constantly on edge.

It is intolerable when he keeos repeating himself,forgets things he has done and said.
He used to say sorry the next day and swaer it would'nt happen again,he does;nt even bother to say sorry anymore.

I think this is the first time I have said this out loud and really mean it this time.
I have told him in the past the time will come as the children get older that it will not be acceptable,not that it was before.
That time has come.

When he is away on business trips the house is a different place and me and the children are more relaxed.

"Safe and happy"

I know they are safe and they are happy,they adore there father but as they get older and understand what drunk means and not as DH tells them that he has to go to bed because he is tired I am not sure how happy they will be.

OP posts:
lessoftwoevils · 13/03/2009 21:36

He does'nt put them to bed.
I don't allow it.
He goes straight to bed himself and says he is tired and I read them their stories and settle them.

Tonight though my son who is 7 said
"Daddy is always tired when he comes home in a taxi"

Speaks volumes.

OP posts:
theDreadPiratePerArdua · 13/03/2009 21:37

And maybe if his drinking escalates further they will also be less safe?...

lessoftwoevils · 13/03/2009 21:40

He would never hurt them or me.
He just collapses and goes to sleep.

OP posts:
SlightlyMadScotland · 13/03/2009 21:44

This may be controverisal.

But I have been that 5 yo and that 7yo and that 9yo and that 16yo......

From my personal experience I would say option A.

BUT having said that I have not experienced option B...so I don't know for sure that the grass was greener on teh other side IYSWIMM as I have no experience....it just look a jolly sight greener.

beanieb · 13/03/2009 21:45

It is not your responsibility to get him help. Have you thought about contacting AlAnon? I was in a relationship with an alcoholic and the more I pushed him to get help the more he resisted and the worse it was for me.

My advice would be to leave, or give him an ultimatum you are prepared to stick to. i.e get help or we will leave.

Personally I think if he won't get help it is better all round to get out of it.

Pinkfox · 13/03/2009 21:47

Keep thinking out loud on here and read it back, what would you think if you were reading this about someone else and their children?

Im so sorry you are in this position but I also agree that you know in your heart what you feel, its just admiting it and then acting on it which is the hard part.

You sound like a great mummy, only you will know what will make your children SAFE and HAPPY and only you can make that change or leave things as they are and live with that decision. You already say the house is a different place when he isnt there......

The guilt and confusion is massive, I know this as I recently made a massive decision to be on my own and am still struggling some days with the emotions and fall out (which I know will not settle for some time yet).

Good luck, the people on here are great and provide great help and advice, do you have real life support??

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2009 22:00

Lessoftwoevils,

Would you describe your H as an alcoholic?.

You are not going to break up a happy home if you were to separate and or divorce - this household of yours is already broken because of your H's drink problem.

There are no guarantees here - he could lose everything and still carry on drinking. You are NOT responsible for him; you are only responsible for you and your children ultimately.

What do you think your role is now in this marriage - I would say that many people in these situations end up as their partner's enabler. Do you think you are now his enabler?.

You are likely acting as his enabler now but enabling helps no-one least of all you. Enabling just gives a false sense of control. How many times have you had to make excuses for him to family/employer, covered up for him etc?.

How many people in your real life know about his drink problem?. Very few I imagine. Alcoholism thrives also on secrecy.

I guess you thought he would "change" a) when he met you, b) when you married and/or c) when the children came along. However, as you have seen this is a triumph of hope over experience.

As for the point C mentioned earlier there is a problem with that. This is that he will NOT accept help unless he himself wants to take help. He is likely to be in denial about his drinking too and also underestimtes how much he is actually drinking. You cannot make him seek help but you can help yourself and your children. I would talk to Al-anon as they can help family members of problem drinkers.

Getting back to your original question I would have to say B for you all to be happier in the long run but that is ultiamtely your decision. It is better to be apart and happier than to remain miserable within the marriage. Your children are picking up on all this and they are learning from you both. You cannot shield them completely from his drinking habits, you cannot succeed completely in that area. They see it all, hear it all, you cannot fully protect them from his drunkenness whilst he is around. Your seven year old is already commenting on it. How do you respond?.

Being a child in a home where there is one drunken parent in attendance does them no favours whatsoever and can leave them with all sorts of issues as adults if you did not act.

They will not thank you for remaining with their drunk Dad either should you choose to do so because they could well accuse you of putting him before them.

I will put up Al-anon's details for you along with NACOA's.

prettyfly1 · 13/03/2009 22:01

I think you have already made your decision. You obviously feel more guilt at keeping your children there and you know the situation isnt helpful. My advise is to go to relate - alone - and talk through your feelings about it all and prepare to let him go.

lessoftwoevils · 13/03/2009 22:02

i think it has gone too far now.
Even if he got help but I can't see that happening.

Maybe the grass won't be greener but it has to better then how it is now.

I have no support in real life so on my own with this one.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/03/2009 22:04

Al-Anon Family Groups UK & Eire

61 Great Dover Street
London
SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Helpline 10am - 10pm, 365 days a year)
Fax: 020 7378 9910

www.al-anonuk.org.uk

www.nacoa.org.uk

Pinkfox · 13/03/2009 22:10

There IS support available for you, I didnt think there was either, thats why I kept it all to myself, nobody had a clue how bad things had gotten for me and now I wish I had said something at the time so it hadnt been such a shock. People thought it was out of the blue but had been happening over couple of years, but the relief when I started telling people, I cant describe, I can sense the burden on you from your posts.

Do you have a local Surestart or health visitor you could speak to, just one person helps and then you feel strong enough to speak to more people, etc, its the first step which is the hardest, you know its going to lead to a testing time and you might not think you are strong enough but I bet you are! Maybe you could try Women's Aid as a starting point, others on here may be able to provide a better place to start?

He hasnt gotten help because he has been able to continue behaving this way for so long, you say he doesnt even apologise for his behaviour anymore, im not surprised you feel so deflated.

lessoftwoevils · 14/03/2009 08:15

Thank you for all your advice and support.

I will look at my options.
It is a daunting task.

OP posts:
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