My MIL phoned this morning and from what she said I think I may make her feel uncomfortable when she is here.

[insertwittynicknameHERE]

MIL phoned to ask if she can come and pick the dogs up for the weekend (MIL and step FIL love having our dogs) I said yes of course it would be a big help to me and the dogs love it.

She then said I will pick them up and spend an hour with you and DGD if that is okay. I was shocked as she knows and I have always said she is more than welcome to come whenever she wants and DD always loves to see her. I felt like I make her feel unwelcome when she comes. I hope I don't and I hope that maybe I am thinking about this too much.

Now MIL and I have had our ups and downs to be frank, but after the last time when I had said my bit and dealt with it she has been fine and I thought we had drawn a line under all the negativity IYSWIM.

I am worried now that MIL doesn't feel able to come her or welcome when she does if DH is not here. I don't want that as I dearly want DD and this lo once she is born to have a wonderful relationship with MIL. I want MIL to feel like she can come here whenever she wants to see DD.

Am I thinking too much about this and reading stuff into it that isn't there? Or should I say to MIL again that she is more than welcome whenever she wants to come?

actions count more than words. When she comes over, give her a kiss and say "so nice to see you" and say it again at the end. If you do really mean it, then it will sound sincere - she should gte the message.

Are you sure she isn;t just being polite - my mum would always check with me before coming.

just make sure she feels welcome when she comes! actions louder than words ands all that..... sounds like she's just trying hard to behave politely / appropriately

Obviously I don't know your situation, but I would stop reading so much into it. Maybe she was just checking that you wouldn't be expecting her to pick them up and go away straight away. I mean, she was making sure that you wouldn't be in a rush or have anything else planned at that time.

It's great that she wants to spend time with her GC and you sound like a nice DIL who wants the best for the family relationships.

you may be reading into it becuase you have had 'issues' and you are understandably senstive, and maybe so is she. She was prob being polite and letting you know she wasn't just going to collect the dogs and be gone in 20 mins?

give her a hug like Kewcumber said.!

Phone her and say something like "Why don't you stay for lunch?"

Be glad!

It's good that she knows there are boundaries, and she can't just expect to rock up whenever she likes are be welcomed with open arms.

Unlike certain MILs I could mention...

sounds as if she is being polite to me.

I would always check with all my family and say something similar and i always feel welcome there.

Try not to worry about it and say how much you are glad that she can always pop in.

I think she is being polite, I hate unexpected guests and my MIL (and family, but they lives miles away) would always ring and check first.
I know she was coming anyway, but maybeshe wanted to make sure that you hadn't anything planned?
As others have said, be warm and welcoming and should be OK

I think it's good that she errs on the side of caution to check that it's ok with you.

You can't have it both ways!

Make her feel welcome when she comes but it's great that she doesn't regard your house as hers to come in and out when she pleases or your children as hers to do what she wishes.

It took a long time for my MIL to understand that too. I make an effort with food etc when they are here but they know the boundaries. And it pisses them off but I don't care. They are welcome when they are here and it's mutually convenient.

You're obliged to do nothing else. Stop beating yourself up.

I think you are reading too much into it. Maybe she is still a bit cautious with you after you "said your bit" whatever that was or maybe she is just being polite and asking if its convenient for her to come round. You should appreciate that - too many MIL's on here would barge in regardless and outstay their welcome.
Just be extra nice to her and make a point of saying how nice it is for dd to see her and how much you hope lo will have a good relationship with her too.

I really do hope I am reading too much into it, I think it was just the way she said it like she has to ask permission IYSWIM. I don't want that, non of DD's grandparents have to ask permission to come here to see DD or DH and I.

The only time I asked people (everyone included) to call before they cam is just after DD was born and for a couple of months as DD is my first and I was BF and basically just trying to get my head round it all IYSWIM.

I do say to people though that I cant always tell them when DD and I will be in in the daytime so it may be best for them to ring to avoid a wasted journey.

I think I may make a cake and do some dinner for us tomorrow. I always make MIL drinks (posh coffee which I reserve for just MIL and I cos we like our coffee) and break out the biccys.

I think a yummy chocolate cake will do.

Thank you.

The bit I had m y say over was basically the way MIL treated me after DH and I had got married, before that we had a great relationship and I would love for it to be as it was before.

MIL was basically being nasty to me calling me names etc but when DH was out of ear shot so one time (the last time) she did it, I asked her to repeat herself to DH when he came back into the room. I had words, DH had words with her and things have been strained since. But all was getting better (in my mind anyway) and I though a line had been drawn under it.

I am very grateful that she knows her boundaries etc, just don't want her to feel she cant come when she wants to IYSWIM. I want her to feel she can come anytime.

God, really? You want her to feel like she can come any time? YOu're a really really good person, insert. Especially after she called you names. Sounds to me like she's just the type of person who needs to know there are boundaries she must observe. No. 1 being show some respect for other people's privacy.

People don't come to my house unless they call me first to make sure it's convenient. I could be doing anything.............

Winky, I do it for DH and DD's sake, I don't want his mum to feel unwelcome here and I want DD to be able to have that relationship with her. She hardly ever comes to be truthful and I know DH would love her to come more often. Step fil never comes but he is another thread entirely lol.

I like people (anyone) to know that they are welcome anytime here, that is how it is at my mums and how I have grown up. I just stop whatever I am doing and relish in the fact I have a reason to sit and have a coffee and a chat.

Do you think I should maybe make specific invitations to MIL, do you think she would feel more comfy with that?

No, you do what you're comfortable with. It's your home and if you're happy with your MIL coming over whenever, that's brilliant. Your MIL is lucky to have you as a DIL.

I probably wouldn't aim to change anything but I'd make her feel very welcome when she is there - eg tell her that you save the posh coffee for when she's around because you know she appreciates it or because it's nice to drink it with someone who appreciates it..

Soupy, I do that, I even bought (saddo me) some posh cups to use when she comes, it is the only time I use my coffee machine lol. She knows this.

Actually reading my posts back, I am probably reading to much in to what she said.

Pregnancy will do that to you lol.

Even my Ma - who I adore to bits doesn't have a blanket "come when you like for as long as you like" deal!

I wouldn;t turn uo without asking at a DIL's house unless we'd known each other donkeys years. So yes if you want her to come around more often you need to invite her.

Oh I see what you are saying Kew, I'm not particularly bothered if she comes more often or not, I just want her to feel welcome to come when she wants.

I was worried that I, inadvertently, made her feel unwelcome as she is not unwelcome IYSWIM. When she asked if that was okay for her to spend an hour or so here with DD, I was kinda shocked because I though she knew it is always okay for her to spend time with DD here.

Am I making sense??

Anyway choc cake has been made and I will do us some sandwiches for dinner for when she comes tomorrow.

Oh and we have known each other for years, I have known DH for coming up for 14 years and we have been together for 11 years.

MIL and I had a great relationship before DH and I got married, then she changed, or maybe I did (we both probably did) but she just got so horrible towards me that it was unbearable for me.
The amount of times I sat and cried thinking that I would be better off leaving DH cos I couldn't cope with her attitude change towards me. then that one day I snapped and all has been okay ish since then. Maybe a bit strained for a few weeks afterward but it was over 3 years ago now and I had put it all behind me once I had had my say IYSWIM.
I just worry as come what may she is still DH's mum and I would never want to come between that and make things awkward for any of them or us IYSWIM.

I think you're doing fine - a bit of chocolate cake cures most things anyway...

It is proper home made choc cake as well, not out of a packet or anything

MIL came way earlier than she said and left after half an hour she didn't want any cake or anything else.

I did what you all said and hugged her as she came in and told her lovely to see her. I also invited her out to lunch next week, my treat. I told her anytime is good for me but not Wednesday. I asked if she was free and if she would like to and she said no, but did not elaborate and I felt rude asking why so I didn't.

but I tried my hardest this morning, I don't know what to do now.