Why can't he be happy with what he has? (Probably be long)

[SheWillBeLoved]

I'm almost 22 weeks pregnant with our first child. A child he thought he'd never have due to an impossibly low sperm count, and after us losing one in 2006. We've been together for 4 years.

Since meeting him, he's always been what I consider at times to be a 'dreamer'. Full of brilliant and exciting intentions, that never seem to follow through. All his life he has drifted from job to job. Since knowing him, the longest he has had one is a year. He is 31 by the way, 32 this year.

In 2006, he started university again as a mature student. He had been before years before, but this was very much his last chance as his funding was about to run out as he has had it before, but never graduated. Now finance problems have arisen with university, and he can't go unless he can cough up £8k before September.

He's in a decent job right now, it's no career by any means, but it pays the bills and leaves him with money in his wallet each month. He hates it though. I have no real idea why, besides his boss being a bitch and his need for a drastic life change.

The life change being the career he never got round to getting into. As he was always a drifter, he never settled into a decent career. Now at the tender age of 31, with no qualifications behind him, no experience, no real amounts of money, a baby on the way, a house move pending... he wants to quit work, and embark on this new career change. A pilot is something that keeps popping up.

This comes after a year of him looking into buying his own business - one being a yacht chartering business in the Caribbean.

I'm just so frustrated with it all I understand his need to make something of his life, I really do. But part of me feels like now it's time to settle down and provide for your family. He's had since the age of 17 to get into his dream career, and he never has. Why has he chosen now, 4 months before his child is due, to want to quit work, and spend £250 per month on flying lessons, as well as over £3k on taking his driving lessons/getting a car and everything involved with getting a car.

I'm sorry if this all seems to be muddled and in bits. Things just keep coming to me as I type.

If you've got this far then thank you. I suppose what i'm trying to ask is.. will he ever change? Will there ever be a time when he is happy with what he has without constantly striving for bigger and better, and never quite getting there?

None of his dreams or ambitions seem to be within reach any time soon. They all require huge amounts of money, which we just do not have, never mind with a baby on the way. I feel so awful whenever I tell him this, it's like i'm shattering his world each time. I just wish he could grasp how this is making me feel. My heart is racing as I type this, because i'm panicking about whether he'll walk out of work before his shift ends in the morning, and whether or not i'll have to continue to work in a physically demanding job until I go into labour, because he is about to quit and thinks that he will somehow be in his dream career by the time the baby is here in July.

I have no idea what advice i'm after, I think I just needed to write it all down. Once again, thanks if you've gotten this far.

Jesus christ that is long sorry!

Sounds like hes not realy sure what he wants to do, but on the bright side at least he wants a career rather than just a job so he can support you and your family. Maybe just tell him what you said on the last part of your post?

I have done tonight kittykat, and many times before. He's texting me now whilst he's at work, telling me that he just wants to walk out. I'd love to quit work too, and do things that I never did after leaving school, but my needs/wants come second to this baby now. Quitting work 4 months before she is due just is not an option, as much as i'd love it to be.

He wants a career yes - but they all seem to be impossible careers. He wants to be a pilot for example. The amount of money involved in becoming a pilot of any description is amazing. And he doesn't seem to understand that quitting a job that pays him well is not going to give him the funds to be able to afford this dream.

Sorry, have no advice, but I'm right beside you. If he wants to do something then he needs to do something at night school or distance learning while still doing his day job. He doesn't need to quit his dreams, just remember that he also has to be responsible now he has a family on the way.

A relative of mine was on a factory production line, went to nightschool and worked his way up to a £100,000 a year job. Did night school and worked shifts and had two young kids.

You have to do what you have to do when you have a fanily.

Hope this helps x

'fanily'? sounds like some weird porn site, apologies, meant family

Realistically, I think he needs to wake up and smell the coffee... If he has a job the way things are now I'd say he should be glad, knuckle down and stick with it. Particularly with a kid on he way.

Now I've got plenty of sympathy with people wanting to live their dream. But perhaps he has to make sure that a) his dream's not going to change six months down the line; and b) his dream is achievable, and achieving it is likely to put him in a place where he can contribute to the family finances.

From a practical point of view, I'm not in the aviation business but I've a few links via husband and a friend... The first thing I don't understand is why he'd have to quit his job before starting on flying lessons. £250/month may sound like a fair bit of money but hubby (who used to be in the RAF) says that'll buy him an hour's flying, just. Surely he could do that at the weekend without packing in the job he has? Secondly, even if he does manage to get a private pilot license, getting a commercial license will take a lot MORE time and money. Will he have either? Thirdly, from a friend who is a commercial pilot, I can tell you that it's as ugly in that line of business as it is everywhere else right now. No one's employing anyone, and the pilots who have a job just hope they'll still have one next month.

I think you and he need to sit down and think very hard about what's important to both of you, what's achievable, and where your priorities lie. I'm not saying give up the dream, if that's what he really wants and what's keeping him going - but if you want to have a stab at the dream, you'll have to raise the funds to do it. Walking out of a perfectly good job isn't going to help with that, even if the boss is a first-class tit.

I wonder if he is doing all this "I want to do this that and the other" now precisely because you have a baby on the way, and you will say no.

Because then, if he is not happy with his career, he can tell himself that it's not his fault.

I know that's not useful but it may even be his way of making himself settle down - to be told he's just got to by you.

What strikes me is his dreams don't seem to involve you and the baby.

Have you posted this before? I read an almost identical post about 3 or 4 months ago?

I remember reading this before too. Look, he needs to buy and sniff some coffee beans. We all have 'dreams' but we have to live in the real world.

Does he not watch the news? Can't he see how lucky he is to have a job at the moment? I just couldn't be doing with him I'm afraid.

Sorry, but hating your job is absolutely no life at all. I don't buy all of this 'you do what you have to do' stuff - don't you want your DH to be happy? He spends more time at work than doing anything else in his life. Obviously getting into heaps of debt over a pipe dream is also a bad idea, but I think you need to plan together what you both want to find a way for you both to be happy. Do you really need to move house for example? Can you go back to work?

If he really wants to have a career he can work towards it in many ways without quiting his job out right. Both my dh and myself have studied part time on and off to improve our situation but always while holding down a job/ or looking after a family. You need to tell him that it is ok to have dreams but they need to be realistic and can't change every few months (i.e pilot/ doctor/ no now it a lawyer etc) if you both decide to do this it is a long term commitment I am in my 3rd year of a 6 year part time degree so I can have a career too but my kids come first.
If he is unwilling to put your family first then you need to do some serious thinking about what you want to happen.

I am not surprised you are fed up with this. This is the behaviour of someone in the their teens or early twenties....or alternatively someone who as always worked worked hard in one field and now wants to 'find themselves'. He is not that young, and by the sounds of it has spent years 'finding himself'. Does he think this is normal or responsible?

As other poster have pointed out, it is in no way a crime to want to change your career; however you need to pick and dream and then pursue it over the long term, keeping in mind your responsibilities. That is what distance learning and night school are all about...why else would the OU be the largest uni in the UK?

To add to the points already made about pilot training. It costs thousands and thousands of pounds to train as a commercial pilot (airlines); at least £70 000. Very few airlines are looking to recruit over the next few years. I know of RAF pilots who have done their commercial pilots exams and spent a lot of money passing the requistite exams to get a job when they leave the RAF who are being told there are no jobs for them, and there are unlikely to be for quite a few years.

I remember reading something like this before too.

A friend of mine who is commercial pilot got made redundant in November and still hasn't found anything. He is now applying for a job in Bangkok which will involve him being away from home for 6 months with only a couple of visits home.

Are you married, you don't say either DH or DP in your posts.

He needs to grow up. Seriya is quite right when she says that it's hideously expensive. £250 a month will get him nowhere near enough hours to even take a private licence before the baby is born.
I feel for you, he needs to take some responsibility and look after you and the baby first and his own dreams second just for now.

Yeah, the market for pilots is bad. A family member trained as a pilot, his parents spent thousands of £ on his training. He never got a job as a commercial pilot. There are waaaay more pilots than there are jobs.

If he's that interested in flying, he needs to get a well-paid job, and then maybe he can fly as a hobby. Ultralights aren't that expensive to fly, from what I know.

For those who asked if i've posted this before - I have, months ago, although that was purely asking for advice re: him wanting to become a pilot. This post was more of a rant as since then, he wants so much more than that. All of which is completely out of our reach right now. Just wondering when it'll all stop iyswim.

Nabster - his dreams do involve me and the baby, he says the reason he wants to make something of himself now, is so that me or the baby never go without a thing. What he fails to realize though, is that we will go without when he's forking out thousands we just don't have to get this dream job.. when it isn't even guaranteed at the end of everything. And why didn't he start making his dream a reality years ago, ready for when we did have a baby?

Brettgirl2 - Of course I want him to be happy. I've told him so many times that whatever he chooses to do, as long as his priorities are right at the time, then i'll be there behind him 100%. Yes we do have to move house, mainly to cut costs. We aren't upgrading by any means. I also do work right now, i'm contracted as part time but since finding out I was PG, have worked full time hours in 12 hour shifts which kill me right now - but I don't have the luxury of being able to cut down.

It honestly feels like some sort of midlife crisis. He denies it, saying it's his dreams etc. Surely if it was a true dream though, he'd have worked at it his whole working life? It's also hard to be completely positive about it as I know that it's not a pilot he actually wants to be, he just wants the perks that come with it. The not being sat behind a desk, travelling each day etc. So to spend literally thousands on becoming a pilot, when a train driver/bus driver/taxi driver etc all get these perks too, yet don't have to fork out as much money initially, is madness. But of course, they don't come with as much 'status' as a pilot does. I think he thinks that the bigger the dream he achieves, the more it makes up for him not doing something with his life so far.

You're right - now it's time to settle down and provide for your family. He needs to grow up and pursue any dreams as well as his day job, not instead of.

And you can tell it's your first baby - no one in their right mind would start something new just when a baby is about to arrive, unless they had no choice on the timing.

My ex was a serial job-changer. It drove me mad, I kept wondering if I'd get home one day to find out that I alone was in charge of the mortgage because he'd quit his job. We didn't have children then, but it still destabilised my life. We were together for a few years, and he had about 8 different jobs in that time. Each time it was "the one", until the inevitable rot set in.

I honestly believe he has a problem with work as a concept! He was diligent and conscientious, I won't deny it - but he hated it. I truly believe there isn't a job in the world that will make him happy.

Sorry I can't be more positive, but that was my experience. We spilt for other reasons, but we're still friends, and he still hates his job (it's about the 4th one since we split!)

I sympathise with people hating their job - I've had experience of this - but there comes a point when you have to wonder if it's the job or the person, when it's a recurring theme.

I hope he likes asking 'chicken or beef' while wearing a strained smile for ten hours at a time.

Pilots can't get jobs at the moment and have to work as cabin crew to keep a hand in.

It sounds to me like he is being really unfair and really unrealistic. If his lifelong dream was to be a pilot then why didn't he say so years ago?

It takes tens of thousands of pounds to qualify and there is no job guarantee at the end of it. It's a no brainer, in a recession and with a baby coming. He needs to live in the real world, by all means working towards a new career in his spare time.

Btw, lots of people hate every job they are ever in. Maybe he just doesn't enjoy being an employee, of anybody's? If he's a pilot he'll still be working for 'the man' and dealing with endless politics and egos. He'll just be doing it 20,000 feet in the air in a nylon blazer.

I had a friend like this. He was diagnosed bipolar some years ago.

Point out to him that he doesn't have to like his job to appreciate it as a means to an end ie supporting his DC-to-be and paying towards flying lessons. Because if he stamps his ickle feet and walks out of his current job, who is going to pay for flying lessons? To be blunt, he's too old to be taken on by any company or organisation as a trainee (and his CV will probably give the impression of a lazy wanker with an outsize ego who they won't think it's worth training anyway).
Now I don't think that 'settling down' is compulsory, whether you have kids or not (so much of the recieved wisdom about 'maturity' is all about knowing your place rather than making a satisfying life for yourself) - but if you want an interesting life you have to put thought and effort into getting it - and not expect someone else to support you just because you shag them occasionally.

Sorry for your loss in 2006 and congratulations on your bump.

Do you think the low sperm count could have something to do with his wanting to prove something?
He sounds very very childish, and I do not think he will change.
He needs to grow up and be a dad first and foremost, not walk out of jobs that pay the bills because he wants some dream job he has NO chance of ever getting.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

Also has he seen a doctor? My sister has an EX like this, and turns out he is bi-polar.
Just a thought

How about forking out for a career councilor (sp). Some one who can help him set reasonable goals within his reach and then work towards them. If he really hates his job then it's going to be really tough going but agree that now is not a good time to quit with a baby on the way. He may find it easier to grin and bear it if he can see an end in sight.