is it me? (long sorry)

[APerson]

Firstly, I apologise for the long post. I have so much going on in my head that I need to write it all down and have someone tell me if it?s me that has the problem or if I?m right to be upset.

I have been with my DH for 11 years now and married for 4. We have a 13 month old dd. DH has always been rather private about his money and his work and he would get annoyed if I questioned anything ? like the fact he had 2 jobs, plus lots of overtime, yet he kept saying we couldn?t afford anything? It emerged last year that he had £50,000 of debt.

I feel very angry, hurt, confused and stupid (because I didn?t know about it). I moved in with my parents, taking dd with me. DH kept coming and crying on the doorstep, apologising for keeping things from me, saying he would tell me everything from now on, he?s sorry for not trusting me etc. Anyway, more for my daughter?s sake than for mine, I went back with him.

So far, he does appear to be honest with me. Showing me all statements and I?ve been trying not to complain about his workload, even though it is hard (and has always been hard) when he?s never around. I feel like a single parent and feel as though DD is suffering (although she shows no signs of it ? yet).

But if I do question anything, he is so defensive. He will shout at me ? louder and louder until I?m completely drowned out and can?t talk anymore. He ?talk-- shouts over me and repeatedly says F off, F off, F off. It is very hurtful and disrespectful and last night for example, I cried myself to sleep. I try to be supportive but I don?t feel he is at all supportive of me. I don?t want DD to grow up thinking this is acceptable or worse, speak to me like that.

I admit I do nag at him for little things, like buying the wrong baby milk, constantly ordering take aways (keep telling him it?s not healthy for us), not doing the dishes, but I don?t think I?m a horrible wife?

I was in hospital a lot during my pregnancy and I think I had PND after DD was born. I felt so down and it wasn?t helped by the fact DH worked so much and then to find out how much debt he had, it was really hard. Again, I felt like a single parent. My HV told me I had PND and that DH should be supporting me more. I went to see my GP who told me I would be fine if I went back to work and had adult company again. She didn?t give me any pills, she was quite dismissive. I feel like I?m getting better and bonding better with my DD, but the first year was awful.

I confess that for the first 10 months or so of DD?s life, I was very possessive of her. I guess I wanted to prove to everyone around me that I could do it. I wouldn?t let DH do night feeds or look after her at all. I?m starting to relax more and he does lots of night feeds now if DD wakes (although he moans all week about it, like he?s the only one who?s tired). However, if he watches her, he nearly always forgets to feed her or change her and it?s impossible for me not to lose my temper ? I must tell him a hundred times when she gets fed and to check her nappy regularly etc. I feel like a broken record ? it?s not that hard to remember?!?

He also has an immature attitude to sex. He wants it all the time. If he doesn?t get it, I get the silent treatment. He wants me to dress up and do lots of things for HIS pleasure. If I refuse, I get a hard time. He doesn?t seem to grasp that maybe I?m tired after looking after DD and I also work full time.

I have disabilities so I rely on him for several things, which he just loves to use against me (I need him etc). My disabilities have contributed to my PND I think, as I wanted to prove I could manage myself, but it was really hard to look after myself and DD if that makes any sense?

I have suggested counselling, which DH has scoffed at.

My inlaws and my own parents haven?t been too supportive. My MIL would visit me in hospital saying I should hurry up and get home to look after DH (the place was a pig sty when I did get home). She criticised how I planned to feed DH and my decision to go back to work (we needed the money FFS!) She would turn up all the time, univited and DH would never tell her to go away and leave us in peace. She told me I was a terrible mother and wife. I moved out again because I felt as though DH cared more about her feelings than mine/dd?s.

As for my own mother, she watches DD whilst I work. I pay the mortgage and most of the bills whilst DH pays off his debt, so we can?t afford childcare and I am very grateful to my mother although I probably don?t show it as much as I maybe should. She wont? take any payment although I do buy her flowers/chocolates regularly. She won?t allow me to move back in with her should things get bad again with DH. She says it?s my problem. When I tried to talk to her about my PND, she just told me to get my act together. She also regulary tells me I am getting fat, that I am lazy (she would put kim and aggie out of a job), my skin is spotty, my hair is going grey?but if I stand up to her, she threatens to stop watching DD. She also tells me I need to get off my DH?s back and support him more. That I made my bed and should lie on it etc etc.

My dad has an alcohol problem so I do try not to bother my mum. She also worries about my gran who is elderly and frail.

I am made to feel like I am ungrateful, spoiled, lazy, not good enough, unreasonable, and all the rest of it.

What do you all think? I know this just sounds like one big rant, but I don?t know who else to talk to.

Gosh poor you
It is not you, you work fulltime, with a DH who is rarely around (due to his mistakes)and a young DD, no wonder you're frazzled.
No wonder you are not looking yur best or wanting to dress up for your DH's sexual fantasies.

How close is your DH to paying off his debts?

Dear God you have been treated very badly by your dh. And your exended family too. Your post is so sad.

DO you have anyone outside the family who could help you out?

You poor thing . Have you got anyone to give you support in RL? As none of the people close to you seem able to do anything except make your life more difficult. Would it be possible for you to go to counselling on your own if DH refuses to go? This might help you work out how to deal with him (harshly I hope, IMO!). He is under stress but there is no excuse for his verbal abuse. I also think as soon as your financial position allows you should pay for childcare to allow you to get away from your mother's constant criticism.

I hope others have more useful advice and sending you an online hug (don't know the emoticon...)

you need to speak to a counselor for your own benefit to build y tour self esteem and they can also give you more information on how to go about moving out what help your entitled to etc

i dont think you are both at a stage where you are good together and have too many issues of your own to handle any more but people only do to you what you let them so the more you put up with dh behavior the more he will do it

you need to tell him to go or you need to speak to housing and see what other options are available even if temporary for now

but from what i can see you tend to spend much time trying to prove yourself to all around you and are losing who you are

get yourself some help and make yourself happy and others around ytou will be happy too you cant rely on others to build you up we can only do that ourselves and you'll feel so much better for it

if your not happy with your weight gyms have creches now days give your self esteem a boost and go a few times a week its really helping my friend who has pnd and she feels like a different person her confidence and health and happiness is on an increase

i dont have any other information apart from this relationship is wrong for you and you know that you need to look into getting out and working on yourself good luck xx

Wow. You have a lot of separate problems which all add up to one scary mess - well done you for getting this far, you must be extraordinarily strong.

WRT to the debt - do you know how much is paid off? What sort of debt it is? Do you have a family budget with repayments scheduled, and has DH done as much as possible to reduce the amount repayable? If it's still on credit cards for example, could he move to a loan? Citizens Advice could help here, and perhaps if you could reduce the amount going out each week, DH could reduce his hours and spend some more time at home?

As to the sexual fantasy, well, he needs to grow up frankly. Having said that, his need for you to be available could be partly because he's feeling emasculated by the debt thing - he's not providing for the family and so he needs you to keep proving that you want and need him. Harping on about your disabilities could also be part of this. Think this might be best addressed with a relationship counsellor though, as I've no idea how you'd work it through (and I'd personally want to slap him )

As tot the PILs, well, if your DH won't show them the door, then you just have to keep ignoring what they say? Do they know about their son's debts? Do they know why you've had to go back to work? And have you spelt out to them how much you have to do just to tread water, without scattering rose-petals under their feet when they visit?

I'm really angry for you. How old is DH? It doesn't sound like he's grown up in any way yet. And as to your mother, well, that's a biggie too, and I hope someone else on here has some concrete ideas...

Wow - you're getting it from all sides, aren't you? You poor thing all the people who should be offering you support are letting you down.

I agree with everything bubblagirl said, especially the bit about losing yourself while trying to prove to everyone else you can cope.

Go to CAB - see where you stand with regards to DH's debt and what your options are. You need to start think about yourself more, and not other people.

Go and see another GP, one that is a bit more sensitive. Just explain everything to them. It is possible that you still have PND. Ask about counselling for yourself to talk through your issues with someone qualified to address your specific issues.

Your DH sounds horrid, if I'm honest. I'm not normally the type to start typing 'he's a bastard, leave him' because I know things are far more complex, especially when there are kids involved.

As for your mum and ILs , I think you need to start looking around for support from other areas. Do you have other friends you can chat to?

So sorry you are going through this. You sound lovely, and certainly don't deserve this treatment x

A couple of other things I've thought of:

o make sure DH hasn't and can't put any debt into both your names
o you are the priority here - you can't look after anyone else if you're not looking after yourself - like putting your own oxygen mask on in a plane before DD's. What I guess I'm saying is that you might need to spend a little less time with DD in order to get yourself in a better place, but the short-term loss is ver much worth it long-term.
o on first reading, your mother sounds like a bit of a willing martyr, who wants you to be one too. Perhaps she's also not ready to face the choices she's made in her life, and hearing you question yours is painful for her. Again, I don't have concrete advice, other than to look elsewhere for support as much as possible, as soon as possible, while keeping the door open for her (you must have got your niceness from somewhere after all!)

This was supposed to be a short post - sorry

From reading your post I am struggling to see how being with your DH is of any benefit to you at all.
You don't need him financially, in fact you are carrying him and his debt to the detriment of yourself.
Emotionally he is dragging you down, making unreasonable demands on you and constantly criticising your every move.
He is never there for you, OK he's working long hours, but that is not for you and the family but to clear his own debts.
And even the physical things you need him for (ie. your disability) he throws back in your face and tries to put you down for.
Go back to your GP and ask to be referred to a counsellor or try Relate (by yourself if necessary)
You will soon see that you don't have to put up with this treatment and you deserve so much better than this awful situation

Thank you all so much.

No, I don't have friends I can talk to, yet another thing DH uses against me - I will have no one if I leave. And I think if I did leave things would be worse, I feel that if I am with DH, then I have some control over what happens with DD. He is keen for DD to see more of his parents, I am very firm about how much - MIL has smacked DD on occassion . So if I left him, he would get access, or rather his MUM would be babysitting whilst he works, and that's just not happening imo.

I have had it out with my MIL, I think she was really about what I had to say and how I felt. She doesn't criticise me as much, things are SLIGHTLY better in that area, although not great in other areas.

Oh, ILs knew about DH's debts for years. Never encouraged him to tell me. Just lectured me about how high maintenance I was and how I should be supporting him more, when the whole time he was lying to me!

He is 27. The majority of his debt is a bank loan, with about £10,000 on 2 credit cards. the bank loan was used to pay off debts on other credit cards. But I'm still unsure as to how much he is still keeping from me, although he swears he is being honest.

He says his debt will be paid off in 5 years. Yeah right .

And he's saying recently he wants another DC? Like hell after the year I've been through! Where the hell will the money come from to afford it?

I have spoken to CAB and they told me stuff I had already researched. I know I sound silly but it just seems better overall to stay with DH, I mean, who's going to help me? Support me? Sympathise with me? If I leave DH, it seems I will be leaving EVERYONE/EVERYTHING...

I'm not making sense again am I??

Do you know what caused your DH to run up this much debt? Basically is he a druggie? Because that might explain the uselessness and verbal abuse - and it that's the case, you probably need to make plans to get rid of him, because drug addicts won't stop taking drugs until they choose to, and will often drag their families down with them.

APerson, I am sorry there is no one in rl who could help you. It does sound as if you know deep down that you deserve so much better than this. Hold on to that.

I don't know what practical advice I can give you - well, none really, but there are others on mn who have been in bad situations and been alone in coping with them. I'm sure you'll get some help from them. Hang around!

I hope that at least you can take some reassurance that you are not at fault here.

Second SGB - where did the money go? Assuming because of his age and the length of time you've been together that you must have been around when he ran it up, so did you see any of it?

Good that you've been honest with MIL and she's backing off, but smacking a 13 month old fgs - you're quite right to keep a close eye on contact.

Have you been as honest with your own mother?

And whether you stay or go, you'll get support on here

Oh, and if you do leave DH, maybe some friends will be along quite soon - he may be the reason you don't have any atm?

You think you are better off with him than leaving him? It's a huge emotional wrench but I think you should examine that a bit more closely.

You will not be working to help pay off someone else's debts.

You will only have the demands of your dd to worry about.

You will not be constantly subjected to the criticism that you are not supporting him adequately.

I am not advocating leaving him btw, but I do think you need to examine your thoughts.

PerArduaAdNauseum

Your post was really interesting, especially what you said about my mum.

The debt isn't in both our names, it is in his name, I have checked. Although the house is in both our names...

That's good that you've an interest in the house as long as the equity's there - you need your options open. Do you know where the debt came from? And re your mother - has she always been negative, or is this recent?

DH won't take any money from me. I actually got a bonus recently which he doesn't know about yet. It's enough to pay off one of his credit cards...?

I pay the mortgage, most of the bills, whilst he pays for food and other little things as well as paying off his debts.

His original debt was something like £50,000. It is now £33,000 he says...

As for how he accumulated the debt, I feel so stupid, for not knowing what was going on.

He says his parents wanted him to pay for everything himself and didn't give him any support (they didn't help us with buying/furnishing our house, yet did so for my BIL, also bought BIL three cars one after the other...)

Anyway, DH was on a uni course, course cancelled after 1st year but DH still has the loan to pay off. So that's one thing. He has 2 cars (one for racing, one for driving) and loves modifying them. So that's another thing. He spent some money starting up his own business - firstly it was a hobby, now it's essential to pay off his debts. He paid for a big cruise for our honeymoon (said his late grandad left him some money - a lie). When buying our house, he said his grandad's (non existent) money would pay our deposit - it didn't.

Hope that makes sense (again!).

Mum has always been negative, it's who she is, she's so critical, but she is also very generous - she buys me and DD lots of nice things and like I said early, helps with childcare. sometimes, I would call her my best friend but she is also my worse enemy!

Do you want to leave him?
Do you love him?

Have you ever spoken to your Mother about how she talks to you?

How would you feel about using some of your bonus for childcare (perhaps part time, your Mom does other half, to show her that she can't emotionally blackmail you)?

Ooh, if the bonus is enough to pay off a card, it's a good size for a running away fund. Not that I'm saying you will, but maybe earmarking it as such can give you a bit more confidence to stand up to him?

Staying or going has to be your decision, because you're the one who has to see it through and deal with the aftermath. But with your running away fund in your back pocket, could you maybe give him an ultimatum? Go to relationship counselling together or you'll be off?

I can see how he ended up with the debt from your description (cars etc), but I cannot see how his parents think it's because you are 'high maintenance'. I'd be really cross about that.

Woah there. He has two cars, one for racing??

I'm sorry but this man sounds like a lying spendthrift. My xdh also had many debts when we first got together, which I didn't find out about until I was too invested in the relationship. We worked 'together' to clear his debts and I hoped that that was the end of it.

Sadly it wasn't. Throughout our marriage he would run up debts, treating himself to things because he 'loved them' instead of paying bills and then lying about it all. He never changed his opinion that everything he wanted was his by right and he should not have to worry about the minutiae.

My point is that I don't believe your DH will change. And you have to ask yourself- what if he doesn't? Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about whether he has run up more debt? Or is lying to you?

Being alone with a child is not the worst thing in the world. I feel that if you were to make that decision, you would find it easier than you expect. It's easier to build up your own self-confidence and sense of self-worth when your head isn't trying to cope with all the other worries.

"So if I left him, he would get access,"

Why?

You are working enough hours at the moment to pay mortgage and bills, and your mum looks after DD. How is he going to get access?

Is that what he's said? They all say that.

Ignore my post, I saw access but read that as meaning you thought he would have custody.

Do not give him your bonus, keep in case you and your dd need it.

Also get a credit check on him, if he will not tell you how much he still owes.

If he is serious about clearing his debt them he will let you help him do bugets, cut up his credit cards. He would also sell one of his cars to clear as much as possible.

But theese would be the sctions of a adult which he is not.

He can not afford a 'racing car'. He can not expect sex when ever he wants it and to sulk is you are to tired.

I would say in 11years having 2 jobs and doing loads of overtime not only should he have cleared his debt he should have lots of money saved.