Firstly, I apologise for the long post. I have so much going on in my head that I need to write it all down and have someone tell me if it?s me that has the problem or if I?m right to be upset.
I have been with my DH for 11 years now and married for 4. We have a 13 month old dd. DH has always been rather private about his money and his work and he would get annoyed if I questioned anything ? like the fact he had 2 jobs, plus lots of overtime, yet he kept saying we couldn?t afford anything? It emerged last year that he had £50,000 of debt.
I feel very angry, hurt, confused and stupid (because I didn?t know about it). I moved in with my parents, taking dd with me. DH kept coming and crying on the doorstep, apologising for keeping things from me, saying he would tell me everything from now on, he?s sorry for not trusting me etc. Anyway, more for my daughter?s sake than for mine, I went back with him.
So far, he does appear to be honest with me. Showing me all statements and I?ve been trying not to complain about his workload, even though it is hard (and has always been hard) when he?s never around. I feel like a single parent and feel as though DD is suffering (although she shows no signs of it ? yet).
But if I do question anything, he is so defensive. He will shout at me ? louder and louder until I?m completely drowned out and can?t talk anymore. He ?talk-- shouts over me and repeatedly says F off, F off, F off. It is very hurtful and disrespectful and last night for example, I cried myself to sleep. I try to be supportive but I don?t feel he is at all supportive of me. I don?t want DD to grow up thinking this is acceptable or worse, speak to me like that.
I admit I do nag at him for little things, like buying the wrong baby milk, constantly ordering take aways (keep telling him it?s not healthy for us), not doing the dishes, but I don?t think I?m a horrible wife?
I was in hospital a lot during my pregnancy and I think I had PND after DD was born. I felt so down and it wasn?t helped by the fact DH worked so much and then to find out how much debt he had, it was really hard. Again, I felt like a single parent. My HV told me I had PND and that DH should be supporting me more. I went to see my GP who told me I would be fine if I went back to work and had adult company again. She didn?t give me any pills, she was quite dismissive. I feel like I?m getting better and bonding better with my DD, but the first year was awful.
I confess that for the first 10 months or so of DD?s life, I was very possessive of her. I guess I wanted to prove to everyone around me that I could do it. I wouldn?t let DH do night feeds or look after her at all. I?m starting to relax more and he does lots of night feeds now if DD wakes (although he moans all week about it, like he?s the only one who?s tired). However, if he watches her, he nearly always forgets to feed her or change her and it?s impossible for me not to lose my temper ? I must tell him a hundred times when she gets fed and to check her nappy regularly etc. I feel like a broken record ? it?s not that hard to remember?!?
He also has an immature attitude to sex. He wants it all the time. If he doesn?t get it, I get the silent treatment. He wants me to dress up and do lots of things for HIS pleasure. If I refuse, I get a hard time. He doesn?t seem to grasp that maybe I?m tired after looking after DD and I also work full time.
I have disabilities so I rely on him for several things, which he just loves to use against me (I need him etc). My disabilities have contributed to my PND I think, as I wanted to prove I could manage myself, but it was really hard to look after myself and DD if that makes any sense?
I have suggested counselling, which DH has scoffed at.
My inlaws and my own parents haven?t been too supportive. My MIL would visit me in hospital saying I should hurry up and get home to look after DH (the place was a pig sty when I did get home). She criticised how I planned to feed DH and my decision to go back to work (we needed the money FFS!) She would turn up all the time, univited and DH would never tell her to go away and leave us in peace. She told me I was a terrible mother and wife. I moved out again because I felt as though DH cared more about her feelings than mine/dd?s.
As for my own mother, she watches DD whilst I work. I pay the mortgage and most of the bills whilst DH pays off his debt, so we can?t afford childcare and I am very grateful to my mother although I probably don?t show it as much as I maybe should. She wont? take any payment although I do buy her flowers/chocolates regularly. She won?t allow me to move back in with her should things get bad again with DH. She says it?s my problem. When I tried to talk to her about my PND, she just told me to get my act together. She also regulary tells me I am getting fat, that I am lazy (she would put kim and aggie out of a job), my skin is spotty, my hair is going grey?but if I stand up to her, she threatens to stop watching DD. She also tells me I need to get off my DH?s back and support him more. That I made my bed and should lie on it etc etc.
My dad has an alcohol problem so I do try not to bother my mum. She also worries about my gran who is elderly and frail.
I am made to feel like I am ungrateful, spoiled, lazy, not good enough, unreasonable, and all the rest of it.
What do you all think? I know this just sounds like one big rant, but I don?t know who else to talk to.