AArrgghh! My husband is a frustrating pita! Long and ranty, no-one will get to the end!

[MarmadukeScarlet]

I just need a good old rant as I am very wound up.

Our relationship is not fantastic but we jog along with the odd hiccup/row but generally it is ok - he is away 50% of the time with work.

We are trying to book a holiday, he demands that we go somewhere hot, he is also away for most of the summer holidays, leaving only half term in May, so we are having to fly further to get his required temperature .

The DC are 9 dd and 4 ds, ds is physically disabled and has other SN too. Flying with him is really hard as he cannot understand sitting for long periods, isn't that interested in books - well not 4 hours worth anyway! Our last flight and reduced me to tears, DH almost never helps out (he had him for 5 minutes max on last flight) - usually he sits on his own on other side of aisle whilst I stop ds from kicking the seat in front and try desperately to feed him something so his metabolic condition doesn't kick in (like hypo for a diabetic which can cause aggression and confusion and eventually loss of consciousness).

Due to DS' problems and DH's uselessness with the DC (particularly DS) to get a holiday my self we pick a complex/villa/hotel that can provide a qualified nanny for DS (all at extra cost obviously) or we take a respite carer with us (mega bucks) it normally takes around a week for him to tolerate a new person caring for him and then I get a few mornings off the second week.

I found aomewhere that suited all our needs BUT we can only book 2 weeks accomodation flights are included, we can book seperate flights home after 10 or 12 days at a further £500ish but cannot get a flight home in time for DD to return to school.

I tried to reach him several times yesterday to ask if I should contact the head teacher to ask permission (posh private school), we have never taken her out for a holiday before - although she is having 2 hours off on Friday for a ballet exam. He didn't call me back all day - he was at an exhibition and claims he was too busy. HT is not there today, travel co will only hold holiday until today it is last villa on the complex that can supply a nanny.

DH is adamant that we cannot take out yr 4 daughter out of school so we cannot go.

I actually think it is important for the DC to spend some time with him as he is away so much and even when in UK he only sees them at weekends, what with his lie-ins and his afternoon naps (yes really) not a great deal of quality time.

Last night I told him that he should look ofr a holiday as I have wasted the best part of 2 days on it. He now says he wants to do laonghaul for a week, when I pointed out a) he was no help on flights and b) it was unfair on DS he relented. He says he is prepared to go in UK (the DC and I are going to Deveon at Easter for a week without him) but I told him he still had to sort it out and it has to meet all the families needs.

During this I explained that DD had been picked for the B team at netball but it was an away match too far away for me to collect her as same time as DS finishes his afternoon session at preschool and DD has a ballet exam practice that she would be late for if she came back from the match in the minibus.

He OFFERRED to collect her from her match and drop her at ballet hall in time, but he would have to check.

I went to bed thinking he would check his schedule and leave me a note/send a text/email. At 7.40 as I was leaving for school run I called him

Me - hi, are you able to pick DD up from X

Him (was on noisy train, speaking very quietly) - it is 4pm you say?

Me - yes

Him - that's fine

Me - righto, bye.

Him - Bye

Seems like a normal excahange of info for a busy mum on school run and a husband trying to be discreet on a busy commuter train? No, apperently not.

He called me just now to ask me to ask my friend for tips for the Cheltenham (she has horses racing there) as he is, at great expense, hosting a table there on Friday (we run our own biz and it is a 'potential' client sweetener). Friend already there so I cannot ask her.

This banal converstaion eveolved into him accusing me of having a go last night (perhaps I did a little, I am pissed off that he doesn't give 2 hoots about anyone elses enjoyment of holiday - eg, is it really nec to have a nanny? Well that depends if you are going to parent the DC or lie round a pool reading books for 2 weeks like normal. Well I didn't say those words, was more tactful)

Then the phone call this morning was me also having a go! Because I didn't repond with that's great or you are so helpful/fantastic etc but just said right. I eventually asked him if he was 4 or 6 and told him that was how he was acting and hung up.

He bloody offered, I didn't ask, it was a blardy netball match it didn't matter one bit if she couldn't play or not (as I told him yesterday because I had spoken to coach) I was in a bloody hurry trying to get a disorganised DD and a difficult DS herded into the car.

Why do some people have to make life so hard all the time.

I got to the end

what strikes me is that you dh seems to have no idea what it takes to look after your dc

all I can offer are

and breeeeeathe

Wow, you read it all?

Thank you for the hug.

in...1...2...3...out...1...2...3

I got to the end as well. Whilst i would normally say marriage is a partnership etc and both parties should have the say in where and how they go on holiday in this case I would say your husband is being very very unresonable (wrong forum I know) and just book the holiday you found, your DD is nine ffs missing a couple of days of school is NOT going to matter.

isn't it funny how men expect to be ppriased and bowed down to when they do something that needs to be done for the dc (taking dd to her netball match) but we never get that

we only get blamed of dcs dont get/do what they are supposed to do...

he sits on his own on the other side of the aisle

you know this can't carry on

you need to sit and really talk and start to get him to take responsibility for HIS children

what happens when he is around? Does he have the DC on his own?

i don't know why you are being tactful - you need to be blunt (not rude, but blunt)

I can't see a single redeeming feature in your DH. I hope there are some (redeeming features, that it). What a selfish, self-absorbed tosser.

I also agree with TR, and also he seems to have no clue about your working day and how much effort it takes for you to organise things to his satisfaction.

He appears to just flit in and out of the day without really helping the family. Maybe you could increase the time he spends with them at weekends so he is more prepared - go and get your nails done or something.

Definitely a conversation needed about the flight - it's supposed to be your holiday too, which means both of you 'working' on the flight.

Frankly I think he's a bit of an immature twat who treats you like his secretary/ego stroker.

I read it all too.

I suggest you tell DH that you've booked the holiday so to get time off work for such and such dates - and YOU go on holiday for a few days and leave him at home with the kids. See if his selfishness stops when he realises what hard work really is.

He is a complete and utter arse.

I second that Hully arse

I am impressed at your staying ability

Libra that is exactly how I feel, one week out of 40 (or whatever) is hardly going to make any diff to her education, she has hardly had any sick days and went in during the snow too (which some didn't). I did point out to him (again tactfully) that if he wasn't such a cultural pleb and hated museums and places of interest (to me and DD) she might actually learn more on holiday that at school.

TR that is exactly it, no-one ever congratualtes me on doing the school/brownies/whatever run

RS I know, sometimes he has DD sit with him but she just reads or listens to music. TBH I have just accepted it to keep the peace, thereby making the situation worse. When he is around it is a little like having 3 DC, he doesn't remember to give snacks, change nappies, can't fit a car seat or fold the wheelchair meaning he cannot take DS out on his own many places (DS can walk for a short way), he plays rough and tumble then complains to me if the DC get overexcited and one accidently hurts him or they get hurt(usually DS), if I ask him to play with DS he often just puts the TV and sits on the sofa reading or sleeping. DS is hard to play with but you have to try.

Recently (lovely wealthy horse racing) friend invited DD and I to her box at Strictly (O2) and DH had DS for the day. They went up an escalator, DH wasn't holding him tightly and DS fell backwards headfirst down the escalator and injured his head- he also has Arterial Tortuosity which means he could have an intercranial haemorrage or stroke so have to be careful with headbumps.

He blames me for his 'incompetance' as I do it all and am so capeable (exhausted) so I make him feel inferior.

it is interesting that he blames you rather than taking responsibility for his own failings

you are going to end up ILL if you carry on like this

it is utterly unacceptable that he cannot fold his DS's wheelchair

you need to stop this and now

if you need to i would get to some neutral territory and talk

show him this thread?

MS - I got to the end as well.

I think that its about time you had some rest and time off. I don't know what you do, but at the weekends, we share childcare (we've only got one, but even so...). Sometimes I need to set the parameters too - 'dh, you're in charge of ds now. He's already watched TV today so I would suggest that you might - play a game, do a puzzle, read book, do some drawing, make a card, go to the playground' etc. He might be working hard and away from home quite a bit - but its even more important that he spends his time at home actively at home - and gives you some time to yourself.

TOTAL TWAT

Is he embarassed of having a SN child, 'cos that's what it comes across like. He sits across the aisle!!! I'd break his effing neck. He cant fold the wheelchair - copout.

Jesus, you say you muddle along. I bloody wouldnt bother. You sound like you'd be better off on your own.

It has made me smile at all the name calling, I often think, "oh you complete arse." but keep my Stepford smile on my face.

Thank you for all the replies.

He does know it is exahausting it is, as when DD and I went to SCD he went to soft play (cop out as easy) lunck in town (copout and fall down the escalator) and then his mother's for visit and tea (double cop out) that was the first time he has had him for more than 2 hours on his own (DS is 4.5) and he was knackered at the end of it.

I have asked for more support from him/to get another Au Pair as the house is a tip and I am going to get ill again (I had a really bad chest infection in October that lasted 4 weeks and I cacked a rib and had a disc prolapse with all the coughing). He added another few hudred pounds a month to the house account to get a cleaner/mother's help. As he is fond of mimicing back to me (I do often say it) "I cannot do it all" by which he means he cannot work such long hours for our lifestyle (which I have never asked him to and have never assumed that we would live like this, not that we are rolling in it but comfortable) and help around the house/care for the DC at the same time.

Yesterday I ended up screaming out loud (a AHHH) with frustration and scaring DS - which I was very sorry for - I was trying to help DD with finishing a teddy she had made for a Brownie badge tonight. DH was home and was just standing in the kitchen with his hands in pockets (drives me nuts) and DS kept grabbing the teddies' limbs etc and DD was getting quite upset that he would ruin it and she wouldn't get her badge.

How would he respond to the suggestion of working shorter hours and downsizing a bit?
Or does he actually prefer being out of the house and justifies it by the "I need to work to provide for you" thing...

What everyone else said. Re the flying - just as one example - do not stand for it. I would say "OK we can make this flight - the deal is we each have the kids for HALF the time, and get a rest the other half, that is fair."

If he doesn't agree to that, I would say Ok, not going then, why the hell would I be your slave.

And apply that to everything where it is right and fair for him to do his share.

Katisha, he is incredibly driven. IMHO (amature Phych) he is still trying to prove to his dead father that he can make something of himself. He was sent away to boarding school at a young age and his father was an arrogant bully (also imho, as DH won't say anything against him)

He is very competitive and hates to delegate, even though we have some good and well paid staff in our offices.

He may just have a God complex though or it may be that his self esteem is so low that he feels that he is only 'someone' if he has a big house, fast car, sucessful career, a 'trophy' wife (I am 12 years younger but the bloom has gone off the rose, as they say, due to exaustion, stress and lack of time to care for myself.) nad perfect children?

I second the complete arse.

Does he have some redeeming qualities at all, because he sounds like a selfish useless tosser whose answer to your problem is to thow more money at it.

I would book the holiday, you need a break and one week of school will not harm your DD. Under the circumstances, it will do your family more good and that will benefit your DD too.

He needs to start taking more responsibity for his family, not just financially but actually being there and helping out.

I think he needs to cancel his jolly at the horses and come home to address the state of his relationship with his family.

I think you and I are married to twins! Assuming that he is not very likely to change much you have to do things the way that suits you or you will go mad. Book that holiday, your dd will survive a couple of days off school, and make sure you get a break. I have the opposite problem in that I would prefer not to take the dds out of school for a holiday but dh insists as that's when it suits him. If we don't have a holiday together the dds have no time with him.

Yes well let them be driven, but let them also see that it's for themselves and not something they have persuaded themselves they are only doing for your benefit as then they get resentful and stop treating you with respect.

Am seeing this elsewhere at the moment and the chap seems to think as as he is bringing in all the money he can ignore his wife's emotional and relationship needs.

God, he sounds horrific - total complete and utter arse.

Unfortunately I think you're in a tricky situation that is going to take quite a lot of effort on your part to rectify. It seems he is so used to having everything his own way and knowing that you have all the domestic activities under control and all of that is almost beneath him. You really need to start standing up to him and creating situations where he forced to do his share and behave like a proper man in a functional relationship. His behaviour just seems so ingrained (and stems from what sounds like a traditional gender-divided boarding school upbringing) that it's going to be tough to shift...

However, here's a great chance to start. Book the holiday - it is clearly the best solution for all involved. Start with other independent changes - reasons for you to develop your own life outside the family (yoga classes, book group) which force him to become more hands-on involved with his children - I agree him not being able to manage the wheelchair is appalling. I also think you need time to sit over dinner and really talk to him about all this and how it makes you feel and what you want from him - if you can wait 'til the holiday then you'll be in a neutral space with fewer distractions and perhaps he'll be more open to really listening?

I am truly not trying to sound negative or kick you whilst you're down. I really feel for you here and wish you all the luck in the world...

ok I stand by what I said earlier but as you have gone on to elaborate about your DH personality he sounds like a control freak if so that might be why he finds it difficult with your son as SN children aren't always very predictable or controllable. It sounds like you really need to sit down and talk to each other - do you think he would go to relate?

I don't think I can add much to the advice that's already been offered here, but I wanted you to know that I'd read all the way through this and that you have my sympathy for this very frustrating and annoying situation.

I would say, though, that it's very interesting that he's unable to delegate at work, but finds no problem in delegating all the childcare to you!

I hope that you can sort this out, and am sending you positive vibes, if that helps.