AArrgghh! My husband is a frustrating pita! Long and ranty, no-one will get to the end!

[MarmadukeScarlet]

I just need a good old rant as I am very wound up.

Our relationship is not fantastic but we jog along with the odd hiccup/row but generally it is ok - he is away 50% of the time with work.

We are trying to book a holiday, he demands that we go somewhere hot, he is also away for most of the summer holidays, leaving only half term in May, so we are having to fly further to get his required temperature .

The DC are 9 dd and 4 ds, ds is physically disabled and has other SN too. Flying with him is really hard as he cannot understand sitting for long periods, isn't that interested in books - well not 4 hours worth anyway! Our last flight and reduced me to tears, DH almost never helps out (he had him for 5 minutes max on last flight) - usually he sits on his own on other side of aisle whilst I stop ds from kicking the seat in front and try desperately to feed him something so his metabolic condition doesn't kick in (like hypo for a diabetic which can cause aggression and confusion and eventually loss of consciousness).

Due to DS' problems and DH's uselessness with the DC (particularly DS) to get a holiday my self we pick a complex/villa/hotel that can provide a qualified nanny for DS (all at extra cost obviously) or we take a respite carer with us (mega bucks) it normally takes around a week for him to tolerate a new person caring for him and then I get a few mornings off the second week.

I found aomewhere that suited all our needs BUT we can only book 2 weeks accomodation flights are included, we can book seperate flights home after 10 or 12 days at a further £500ish but cannot get a flight home in time for DD to return to school.

I tried to reach him several times yesterday to ask if I should contact the head teacher to ask permission (posh private school), we have never taken her out for a holiday before - although she is having 2 hours off on Friday for a ballet exam. He didn't call me back all day - he was at an exhibition and claims he was too busy. HT is not there today, travel co will only hold holiday until today it is last villa on the complex that can supply a nanny.

DH is adamant that we cannot take out yr 4 daughter out of school so we cannot go.

I actually think it is important for the DC to spend some time with him as he is away so much and even when in UK he only sees them at weekends, what with his lie-ins and his afternoon naps (yes really) not a great deal of quality time.

Last night I told him that he should look ofr a holiday as I have wasted the best part of 2 days on it. He now says he wants to do laonghaul for a week, when I pointed out a) he was no help on flights and b) it was unfair on DS he relented. He says he is prepared to go in UK (the DC and I are going to Deveon at Easter for a week without him) but I told him he still had to sort it out and it has to meet all the families needs.

During this I explained that DD had been picked for the B team at netball but it was an away match too far away for me to collect her as same time as DS finishes his afternoon session at preschool and DD has a ballet exam practice that she would be late for if she came back from the match in the minibus.

He OFFERRED to collect her from her match and drop her at ballet hall in time, but he would have to check.

I went to bed thinking he would check his schedule and leave me a note/send a text/email. At 7.40 as I was leaving for school run I called him

Me - hi, are you able to pick DD up from X

Him (was on noisy train, speaking very quietly) - it is 4pm you say?

Me - yes

Him - that's fine

Me - righto, bye.

Him - Bye

Seems like a normal excahange of info for a busy mum on school run and a husband trying to be discreet on a busy commuter train? No, apperently not.

He called me just now to ask me to ask my friend for tips for the Cheltenham (she has horses racing there) as he is, at great expense, hosting a table there on Friday (we run our own biz and it is a 'potential' client sweetener). Friend already there so I cannot ask her.

This banal converstaion eveolved into him accusing me of having a go last night (perhaps I did a little, I am pissed off that he doesn't give 2 hoots about anyone elses enjoyment of holiday - eg, is it really nec to have a nanny? Well that depends if you are going to parent the DC or lie round a pool reading books for 2 weeks like normal. Well I didn't say those words, was more tactful)

Then the phone call this morning was me also having a go! Because I didn't repond with that's great or you are so helpful/fantastic etc but just said right. I eventually asked him if he was 4 or 6 and told him that was how he was acting and hung up.

He bloody offered, I didn't ask, it was a blardy netball match it didn't matter one bit if she couldn't play or not (as I told him yesterday because I had spoken to coach) I was in a bloody hurry trying to get a disorganised DD and a difficult DS herded into the car.

Why do some people have to make life so hard all the time.

I'm reminded of the recent press coverage about David Cameron and his relationship with his disabled son. Make him read that. You can't get a much more high-flying, high-pressure job than his but that didn't (and I'm sure still doesn't) stop him doing his share and being hands-on.

I truely do not understand where some men are coming from - at all. This sounds an awful situation.

Sounds like the OP has a husband who earns a fair bit and if he does not want to be hands on then he should at least be willing to pay for a nanny to assist with the care of the DC and take her on holiday with them as well.

I think you should arrange a holiday for yourself somewhere really nice and hot, and leave him at home with the dcs. He will manage and will not be so blase and lazy in the future, and you will be rested and refreshed and TANNED!

I got to the end, what a total nightmare your DH is. He has to accept that when he's at home, he must share childcare duties with you. I can't believe he stood by while your DD was sewing the teddy and your DS was grabbing the limbs - why didn't he step in and take your DS out of the way? To be fair, you could have asked him to do this (maybe you did, I wasn't there!).

You & your DH need to discuss this in depth. Your DS's disability means he will need plenty of parental supervision/care for many years, you DH has to realise that it is his duty to help with this. Just being the breadwinner isn't enough.

Thank you for all replies (and the perseverance to read op)

DS now home so only have a second, you are all right, we need to address this and our relationship in general.

DH is always so defensive and accusatory that I try to avoid any kind of debate with him tbh. EG if I say, 'I felt you over-reacted to me not being gracious enough when accepting your offer of a lift for the netball match' he will reply 'Well X years ago you over-reacted ...'

Boudoiricca (great name btw) I have recently started 2 college courses - one evening and one 2 hours on a Monday. I feel stimulated and more like 'me' again, but fitting in the homework with the physio etc for DS and all the other stuff us parents do is getting tough.

Nice to get a man's pov, just to prove I'm not being an unreasonable harridan (no this time anyway).

So, should I pick him up from the train station on the way back from Brownies (I only ever do it Weds)or let him walk (tis just under 1 mile) or would that be childish in the extreme?

Does he ever thank you for picking him up? However, probably not worth it not to - sounds as though it would come back and bite you!

'sitting across the aisle'

Not easy when travelling as a family of four and the seats are three-aisle-three.

Perhaps it's better to book two lots of two seats together so you only have one child to look after and take turns swapping the kids?

I have flown from UK to NZ on my own (twice) with 2 dds and also with DH on the last trip. I hated being with 2 kids on one side of the aisle and him over the other side. So on the return leg we split into 2 lots of two. But then again perhaps your DS might like to be closer to his sister for company.

Your DH is not doing enough, and not understnding how much you do and the pressures of daily life. Perhaps you could persuade him to spend a couple of hours with the kids and you could go for a walk or swim and chill out for a bit.

I would (pick up him). Not to would be briefly satisfying, I agree. But you need to get him to work with you in a partnership. Becoming combatative isn't the answer, working on getting a collaboration going is - can he help you get dcs out of the car or something afterwards? (Of course, in an ideal world you wouldn't need to ask this, but I can just envisage this man striding into the house with his briefcase leaving you juggling 2 kids, wheelchair, school bags, weekly shopping etc etc...).

(I am tempted by the idea of him trudging home - is it raining there ?)

Boudoiricca, no nice afternoon I will pick him up but I will give DD, at teatime, the cake I bought DH - he won't know and it will make me feel better.

Annas, yes until DS developed such severe behavioural problems I rugluarly trekked on my own accross several continents so the DC and I could see DH more than once in a blue moon. I used to think travelling was simple back then.

Having a child with disabilities is pants in many ways it is bad enough being stared/tutted at in the supermarket but being stuck in close proximity to miserable gits for several hours if excrutiating.

We went to Lapland before Chrismas for 5 days (so accepted there are going to be lots of overexcited/tired DC on plane?) the family in front of us were miserable bastards and DS was actually quite good. He fiddled with the tray a few times and that was about it - the father had his chair reclined the whole time including meals and I was struggling with DS wanting to get on my lap.

They were in the front row so not much overhead locker space so they rammed all there handluggage so far back I had nowhere to put my feet despite asking them nicely - the steward even asked me to move my bag at one point, I told him it wasn't mine. The father and the 2 DC (7 &9?) moaned loudly and rudely about DS much of the time.

On the way back we were in the same rows, miserable family in front. I put the kids bags down by my feet and the family in front again rammed their stuff backwards, I suggested they had 2 of the footwell spaces and I had 1, but when I went to the loo with DS they just pushed my stuff out.

They had obviously complained to other holiday makers about us as several people made comments to them, whilst looking at us as the walked past (like'sames seats as on the way out, poor you.') The mother of the party was sitting in front of my DH over the aisle next to an older woman who's Daughter and husband and grandson were in the row in front of them - they had all been to the same hotel and had obviously got really pally.

The grandson (about same age as DS) screamed and carried on both trips crawling over and under the seats and playing up to the extent that the father shouted so loud he scared my DS and made him cry. When I asked DH to look after DS for a while he accidently kicked old ladies seat a few times, I was counting as I was so concerned about disturbing other passengers (so not much of a break after all) and she turned around and had a right go at DH and DS so I took him back to my side.

So this is why I am so concerned, it is not uncommon to get this sort of reaction and this experience completely ruined what had been a pleasant holiday.

Sorry to continue my rant.

I am off to collect the chooks eggs and have a potter in the garden with DS who has been patiently waiting for me while I rant - poor boy.

At least now I feel much calmer.

UPDATE.

After much discussion and an apology from DH for his behaviour (and from me for hanging up) we are going on the 2 week holiday and he even called the head teacher to discuss it!

I very politely pointed out that as a parent he was responsible for 50% of the care of the DC when he wasn't at work, which included aeroplanes, holidays and outings as well as mooching around at home.

I also pointed out that I do not ask for, or expect, a medal for every basic service I provide for the DC and nor should he - it is part of being an adult and a responsible parent.

Perhaps I should continue being tough with him along this vein and things may become more equal and appropriate in our relationship (I currently feel like his mother, so therefore have no great desire to have sex with him).

I have also found a pony trekking holiday for DD and I to go on in the summer, so he will have to care for DS for 4 days and DD and I will get some quality time together.

MS - I have just read the whole thread.

Well done at having what sounds like a grown up conversation with him.

And fab about the trekking holiday!

I meant making him have a grown up conversation btw

Cool! That sounds great - well done you (pony trekking sounds really fab).

I would only add that yes you need to be tough with him to develop a more equal relationship, but once he's started to sort his act out (which it sounds like he's trying to do) you need to remember to have fun with him too so you can stop feeling like mother / scary headteacher and be partner / wife / lover...

So nice to see a relationships thread with potential for such a happy ending x

Thank you both, I feel more positive about the future and our ability to have adult discussions.

You are right Boudoir, I want to be his lover again, keeping the magic is tough and needs working on and an equal partnership.

BandJ, no I need to make sure I act like a grown up too, but I knew what you meant

MS - treking sounds a really good idea. Can I come too and leave my ds with my dh?

You are more than welcome!

Aslo I suggested to DH that he collect DS and I go and actually watch DD play netball, which he agreed to.

DD was so surprised and happy that I watched her, she played really well and the b team won 9-1 (a team lost 7-3), we had a lovely chat on the way back in the car too.

I think I just need to get better at asking him for what I want, instead of expecting him to know/or do whatever and then being cross/resentful when he doesn't.

This morning I woke him up at 6.30 to look after DS whilst I went back to bed, in fact I traded changing DS' nappy with a feed/let out the chickens too - so I didn't need to go and do what is 'my' job (chooks).

He is also going to care for DS (who is ill and hard work) tomorrow whilst DD and I go to do 'wood/tree clearance/tidying' with the Brownies to get a badge.

And he took DD into town today to get mothering Sunday cards and bought some M&S food for tonight that he can cook for me (well salmon and prawn pie warmed in the oven, but you know what I mean) so he is really making an effort.

MS - long may it continue