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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling really sad and alone.

29 replies

squirrel3 · 17/04/2005 12:58

To understand how I am feeling you have to have a little history of my life so here goes; my childhood was less than happy, my Father was very violent, to the point he stabbed me on two separate occasions and gave me a head injury so bad it resulted in slight brain damage and slight epilepsy, my mother was uncaring, neglectful and very self-centred. She told me time and time again that she hated me and I would never amount to anything because I was nothing. When my parents split up she had countless boyfriends whom she allowed to use me as their own personal punch bag. Some people should never have kids.

However my grandparents were brilliant, I only ever felt loved, happy and safe when I was with them. My Nan past away 6 years ago and my Grandad has just been taken into hospital. My mother has not bothered with my Grandad for a few years now (the only times she has seen him she has stolen several hundreds of pounds from him).

All of a sudden she has surfaced and she is acting like the devoted daughter in front of the nurses etc but at the same time she is stealing his money, she has spoken to his consultant and put a ?do not revive order? on him without discussing it with anyone else and is demanding that his money be sorted out between her and her brothers now. He is not even dead yet!! All I want is for his last few days to be happy I don?t care about his *@@% money, I just want this to be as easy as it can possibly be for him.

DH insisted I go to a party with him last night I couldn?t cope with it, I kept checking my phone all night in case the hospital rang with bad news and I sneaked out and sat in the car to be alone, nobody noticed there were over 100 people there but DH got very angry with me and said I was being rude and is now not talking to me, this is all too hard, I feel so alone.

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 17/04/2005 13:11

squirrel, this is awful. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Would it be possible to give the medical staff a brief outline of your mother's relationship with your grandfather, so that they were aware that she isn't the best person to be making these decisions for your GF ? I have no idea whether medical staff are bound by law to only take permission from the patient's next of kin unless a Power of Attorney has been awarded to another person.

tangomum · 17/04/2005 13:14

So sorry you feel the way you do. No wonder though. your Grandfather is obviously very dear to you and this is like losing a parent for you. Can you tell the hospital what is going in. Ask if they have a counsellor or relative support person.

As far as your husband goes. Is this a normal reaction or would he usually be more sensitive to your feelings? Do you feel able to tell him how you feel?

You are not alone. Try to focus on being there for your grandad if there is nothingelse you can do.In the end he is all that matters right now.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 17/04/2005 13:31

DH is usually more understanding, but he has gone out (don't know where) and I don't drive so I don't know how I am going to get to the hospital today and when i do get there my mother will be there and it is sooooo hard to bite my lip and be civil for my grandad's sake, it makes it even harder to be there for him as all of the feelings that I had of worthlessness are creeping back because she is there and the only person that made a difference in my childhood is dying and being ripped off by her.

I don't think it would do much good speaking to the nurses, my mother is a very convincing lier and will manage to turn it around and cause trouble for me and I just want to be there for my Grandad.

I don't even know if this makes sense, I am trying to phone around for a lift to the hospital as I'm writing this.

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 17/04/2005 13:33

Are you anywhere near Worcester ? I could give you a lift if you are ?

Original poster
squirrel3 · 17/04/2005 13:34

Very nice of you to offer but I live in Kent. Thank you.

OP posts:
Freckle · 17/04/2005 13:35

Unfortunately, as far as the medical staff are concerned, your mother is classed as next of kin (unless she has siblings). Does your g/f have a will? Perhaps if your mother knew its contents, she might back off?

Difficult for you.

Freckle · 17/04/2005 13:36

Ops, missed last post. Where in Kent are you?

Original poster
squirrel3 · 17/04/2005 13:40

Its ok, my friend's Husband has offered to give me a lift now, I thought he was at work but I was wrong, got to go.

Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
squirrel3 · 18/04/2005 16:52

My grandfather has had another stroke but he is still hanging on, its hard because I've got mixed feelings. They say there is nothing more they can do for him now and he is on a downward spiral now until he dies. I don't want him to die but it would be the best thing his quality of life is non-existant but he keeps on fighting and not giving up. I'm so mixed up, there is no-one to talk to, DH still isn't talking to me.

Still feeling really sad and alone.

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tangomum · 18/04/2005 19:40

Sorry to hear about the stroke. Sure you would feel less alone if you could manage to talk to your dh about your feelings. Is that possible?

Cadbury · 18/04/2005 19:51

squiril, I'm in Kent too. I'm really sorry to hear of your grandad and this horrid situation. Is your Grandad at the Medway?

Original poster
squirrel3 · 19/04/2005 02:03

Tangomum, I've tried to speak to DH but he is still sulking like a little girl over the party, he is sleeping in the Skids room and generally making me feel worse, surely he should be supporting me through this not making it harder. I don't know how long he is going to keep this up.

When he disapeared Sunday I tried to phone him and he wouldn't answer his phone so I txted him and told him how much I was hurting and why, he just ingnored the txts, then I must admit I got angry and txted that maybe he should have taken his ex-wife to the party because she is always the life and soul of any party and quite often will get her boobs out when drunk for everyone to see!! (nice woman) That provoked a response!!!

He told me I was being stupid, why ignore me when I was spilling my guts about how hurt I am and only respond when I mention the ex?

I don't honestly think that he would go back to his ex because her 'outgoing' nature is one of the things that contributed to the marriage ending.

I can really do without him acting like a sulky child right now, I need his support.

Cadbury, he is in the Darent Valley Hospital in Darford.

OP posts:
dizzydo · 19/04/2005 09:42

It sounds to me as if your husband is feeling very insecure at the moment because of the huge emotional crisis you are suffering and is frightened that he will not be able to support you and is therefore in effect running away from it.

Could you try getting him to sit down with you and tell him how much you need him to support you now - because you do. How could anyone get through this on their own.

Sending you lots of good vibes.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 19/04/2005 12:11

Dizzydo,

How did you get so wise? Thank you.

Think you are right, going try and talk to him again when I get back from the hospital.

All I need from him is to be there and give me lots of hugs, I don't expect him to make everything better, I just need his support.

OP posts:
dizzydo · 19/04/2005 15:13

Good luck!!

Original poster
squirrel3 · 19/04/2005 19:18

dizzydo, I didn't need to talk to DH, he came in from work,gave me a hug and appologised for being such a pratt!!!

Feeling a little better now, its still alot to deal with but at least I don't feel quite so alone.

Thank you for your kind messages everyone.

OP posts:
tangomum · 19/04/2005 21:00

That is good to hear!

dizzydo · 19/04/2005 21:04

Squirrel, so glad he's back on your side. Best of luck with it all. Please let us know how you get on.

Remember too, you are your own person now - you have your own family, you've overcome all adversity and DONT allow your mother to let you think otherwise.. >

Original poster
squirrel3 · 20/04/2005 10:06

I realised something at around 2.30am I think my Grandad is fighting so hard because he wants to be there for me. I was awake (haven't done much sleeping lately) and I was thinking about a previous visit to my Gandad and my mother was there.

Grandad has not got the strength to put a cup to his lips and when I arrived my mother was giving him a drink, now, my mother will not acknowledge my existence and will not say hello, goodbye she will not utter a word to me. A family friend had come with me and she said hello to him, but then decided that she wanted to talk to him in private so she wanted to take him outside the ward (away from me I expect). She still had Grandads drink in her hand and I held out mine to take it from her as I was going to continue giving Grandad his drink and she looked at my hand then turned away and put the drink on his bedside table. As if I was incapable of giving him a drink!!!!!! I?ve been looking after him for years (washing, shopping, cleaning, taking care of his bills etc).

I just sighed and picked up the drink and was going to give it to him, but he grabbed my hand and squeezed it (up until this point he hadn?t been able to move this side or talk properly) and he said very clearly ?Don?t worry about your mother, I?m here?. I looked at him and smiled and he told me that I had brought so much joy to him and my Nan and how proud he was of me.

I was so overcome I?ve only just realised that he is fighting for me.

Sorry this is a bit long and emotional, I think I need to talk and its easier for me to write it than say it.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 20/04/2005 10:22

He sounds like a wonderful man, you must be very proud to have a Granddad like him.

Hope you are OK xx

Original poster
squirrel3 · 20/04/2005 10:56

Thank you lizzylou,

He is a wonderful man.

My Nan was lovely too, I don't know why my mother turned out the way she did she had fantastic parents.

I think I'm ok, I'm coping anyway.

OP posts:
Tissy · 20/04/2005 11:08

squirrel3, your mother can't put a do not resuscitate order on your GF. He clearly still has the ability to understand and make his own decisions, so the medical staff MUST take HIS views into account not hers. Even if his mind was going, the decision not to resuscitate is made with the family, not by the family. If your mother is listed as next of kin (what about her brothers?), you are entitled to talk to the nursing/ medical staff and explain the situation to them- if you have been his main carer your opinion will count.

Having said that, in a frail elderly person, cardiac resuscitation is not often successful, and is a fairly unpleasant procedure, and most would wish for a peaceful death...

I hope very much that your Grandad recovers from this illness.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 20/04/2005 11:29

Tizzy, I can safely say that she did have a ?do not resuscitate order? put on him as it is in his notes. My Grandfather is very confused most of the time since the stroke and only has 'moments' of clarity.

I think my Uncle is next of kin but he wasn?t at the hospital at the time the Consultant spoke to my mother, I was very upset that she had made that decision without talking about it with anyone else. She should have talked about it to her brothers at least before making that kind of decision.

My Uncle and I have since discussed it and yes, we have come to the same conclusion that a ?do not resuscitate order? would be the best thing for my Grandfather, but we came to that conclusion together.

Although I hope that he will recover, realistically I don?t think that?s going to happen and I hope he has a peaceful and dignified end to his life with no arguments or bad feelings going on around him.

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Tissy · 20/04/2005 15:39

squirrel, what I meant was that your mother cannot put the order on herself- that would be tantamount to murder! If the medical team think that rapid deterioration is possible, they should ask the patient or the relatives how they should proceed in that event. I agree your mother should have discussed it with the family first, but it looks like she came to the same decision you would have done.

Original poster
squirrel3 · 20/04/2005 16:02

We came to the same decision but I feel it is for entirely different reasons.

Maybe that being to hard on my mother but she is that cold and calculating. I wish she wasn't, but she is...

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