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Original poster

Frenemies... when is a friend not a friend...?

32 replies

minko · 10/03/2009 13:48

I saw a 'friend' of mine yesterday. I met her through the toddler group a couple of years ago and was very grateful for her friendship as I didn't know anyone in the area. However, she lives in a big house (much bigger than ours), her boys now go to private school (DD is at a state school) and obviously her husband earns much more than mine. Now I can happily live with all that, but she just can't seem to help herself with showing off. Whilst we are together we appear to be having a good time, but when she's gone I remember all her little soundbites about how they're buying a Porsche, and how her DH just secured a big new contract (along with how much more pay he'll get etc), how much her flash haicut cost, and how her son is 'gifted' and it wears me down.

I think I am just someone for her to look down on and make herself feel better. Why would someone do that?? I feel like a fool for being sucked into this and need to get out. It depresses me that I am being used.

I am still shocked that anyone can be like this. What is it - insecurity?

OP posts:
rolandbrowning · 10/03/2009 13:52

Insecurity, stupidity, bad manners? All three?

Queenoftheharpies · 10/03/2009 13:53

Some people care a lot about money and material possessions - it's how they feel good about themselves. Some people are just tactless and don't realise that what they see as just a conversation sounds a lot like bragging.

Suggest that she buys the drinks next time you go out, since she's doing so well :-)

OhBling · 10/03/2009 13:53

Or possibly she just doesn't have a clue how insensitive it is. I have a friend who casually mentioned one day about 6 months ago that she didn't understand what everyone was going on about with the recession as she's just fine - I had to gently point out that that would be because she's never had to worry about the cost of a packet of rice and both her and her DH have full time, very well paid jobs...

Annoying, I grant you, but before you ditch her as a friend, work out if she's insecure or clueless.

thepuddingchef · 10/03/2009 14:01

I have a friend a bit like this, I finally made the decision to loosen contact when we weren't invited to her ds's 1st birthday party. I took a prezzie round on the morning, and all I got was a text saying 'you should have come in' Yeah right, as if I was going to. Felt hurt and let down. Her dh is so for keeping up with the jones's, and as my dh doesn't have a degree or a flash job, we're never included in any social gatherings etc..... I don't care now...it's been over a month since we've been over and although I am sad for dc as they don't get to play with her vast array of toys, i'm not going to go back.
I'd recommend finding other 'real' friends, don't waste your time, your so much better than that!

mondaymonday · 10/03/2009 14:07

DH has a friend who's very materialistic, always going on about what he's bought, how much it cost, how it's better than anything else. He boasts similarly about his wife and child, and I find it all very tedious.

He doesn't have loads of money, but is just the type who needs to always be the first to have everything, have every gadget etc. I don't know what makes people so obsessed with possessions

goodnightmoon · 10/03/2009 15:51

i would say - that's great you guys are doing so well.

repeat as necessary.

if money isn't particularly important to you, you could always add - we're just not that bothered about flash cars and the like. or - you must be very pleased with yourself, so many other people are struggling right now.

as far as root causes go, who knows, maybe she felt deprived as a child and now thinks she's hot sh*t because of a bit of cash.

thepuddingchef -that is shocking. when she asked why you didn't come in you should have said because you didn't get a bloody invite!

Pruners · 10/03/2009 16:00

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Pruners · 10/03/2009 16:02

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Idrankthechristmasspirits · 10/03/2009 16:11

In your op you said all you can remember is soundbites.....

So you could have just been having a normal conversation but you are being hypersensitive to the disparity in your financial situations?

I get this in reverse and it upsets me an awful lot.
I am a high earner as is dp. We have a nice home, nice clothes, kids want for nothing in our home etc etc.
I don't go on about it, i don't readily reveal details of our situation to any of my circle of friends.
I do however answer questions if asked.

When i had dd i was very poor, i had a low paid job and lived in a fairly deprived area. I moved to the other end of the country, worked my way up and am now in a completely different situation.
One of my friends from way back then seems to be really sensitive to this. Everytime i see her she questions me on where my clothes were bought, how much the car is worth, did i get a big bonus this yr etc etc. I find it embarassing and try to shrug off as many questions as possible but i am still branded a "boast".

If you value this person as a friend then embrace the differences, don't harp on about them.

LongDroopyBoobyLady · 10/03/2009 16:20

Whose insecurity are you referring to? Reading your OP it sounds as though you are the one with the insecurities, I'm afraid.

Beantin · 10/03/2009 16:24

Maybe she values the friendship and feels able to open up to you about how happy she is. Might not be boasting exactly, she might just be pleased with herself - surely that's allowed among friends? I rely on my friends to be pleased if I get a great new job, or achieve something - those that are good friends are the only ones who you can tell as they don't think you're boasting, but are just happy for you and your success.

Enjoy having friends with different situations - will be good for your children to see that not everyone is the same - same for her kids too. If she's a nice person, don't dump her cos she has more 'things' than you.

goodnightmoon · 10/03/2009 16:31

i didn't read it as the OP having a problem with the friend's success, but with apparently showing off about it.

That is unappealing whether it is about money, how fab one's kids are, or anything else.

StirlingTheStrong · 10/03/2009 16:32

Minko, I think she is being insensitive at least - if you are not asking about her financial situation and she is volunteering this info, knowing you dont have all the things that she does, then I wouldn't want to know her.

This isn't inverted snobbery. The op isn't saying she is jealous or feels the frenemy shouldn't have the things she does. She just doesn't want her face rubbed in it.

I know someone just like this. She loves to look down on me because she went to uni and her parents are gp's and she obviously feels in a different class to me - but she isn't. I dont ignore her, but I dont go out of my way to talk to her.

Pruners · 10/03/2009 16:35

Message withdrawn

mascaraohara · 10/03/2009 16:37

not read all the thread so apologies if I'm repeating anybody.. but isn't she just talking about her life? I'm sure you talk about your life too. Does she seem like she's being snide when she says it? She could just be letting you into her life - I talk about the price of haircuts and would probably mention if I was buying a new car as I would be excited - I'm not by any standard rich and nor are the people I would talk about it with.

Are you sure she is being nasty and not just chatting?

shonaspurtle · 10/03/2009 16:38

What Pruners said.

I've got friends from university that I don't see quite so often now because they have more money and like to do things that I can't afford (and don't want badly enough to save up for). We still see each other from time to time, but I can't expect them not to talk about their skiing holidays, home improvements, new things - that's their life.

They are still interested in my life, they don't look down on me.

Think about whether you might be reading too much into things. Wouldn't it be worse if your friend was watching her tongue all the time for fear of offending you?

Pruners · 10/03/2009 16:39

Message withdrawn

OrmIrian · 10/03/2009 16:42

She's just talking about the things that are going on in her life right now. It might not be meant to be a dig at you.

We went to see some friends this weekend. They are having a bad time atm - work and money wise. We aren't (for a change) and yes, I agree I tried no to witter on and on about how good things are because I knew it would be tactless. Perhaps the other mother doesn't realise that your circumstances are so different.

If you like her don't drop her because of this. Ignore the comments. She'll stop soon enough when she gets no response.

ninah · 10/03/2009 16:46

Why do the comments get to you so much? if she's insecure that's her prob not yours. Just have the good time you 'appear' to be having and don't analyse it all afterwards. Are you envious?

beanieb · 10/03/2009 16:48

I think maybe the problem is with you! If you remember these things as flashes long after the conversation has been had, then I recon you are obsessing too much about what you haven't got and are projecting your insecurities about your freindship and your differences onto the whole situation.

TotalChaos · 10/03/2009 16:50

Agree with pruners - maybe she's being a wee bit tactless and you are being a wee bit oversensitive, rather than she's deliberately undermining you.

shonaspurtle · 10/03/2009 16:50

Ds and I shamelessly camp out at my moderately wealthy friend's house because she's got lovely sofas, a big garden and Nice Snacks

ninah · 10/03/2009 16:55

my wealthy friend has proper coffee machine AND nice snacks.

ABetaDad · 10/03/2009 17:07

I think it is so much the amount of money people have but how they behave towards others when they have a lot of money.

We are friends with a couple who are very wealthy. They lives in a castle the man inherited from his Dad as well a variety of other homes around the world. He married a woman who is also a millionaire in her own right by virtue of her Dad who founded his own company.

Neither of them made the money the have - they just inherited it and it does not figure in their thinking and their way of talking to or behaving with people. They are genuinely nice people to everyone I have ever seen them intereact with - especially the staff that work for them. They do not act like they are loaded and are outwardly very ordinary in every thing they do. They have many many times the wealth me and my wife have but it never figures in our frienship.

The OPs friend sounds like she has the typical middle class disease of constantly keeping score against everyone else and counting what posessions they have.

I can see why the OP feels uncomfortable.

Pruners · 10/03/2009 17:23

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