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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it normal for couples to have interractions/arguments like this?

48 replies

wizened · 08/03/2009 23:26

Today dp said he needed to be by the phone as a car salesman was going to call at 4.30. He went off to the phone by the computer upstairs.
10 mins later I decided to call my sister for a chat on the downstairs phone, totally forgetting dp was waiting for a call. 20 mins later he came storming down the stairs having realised I'd been on phone. I immediately realised what I'd done, felt like an idiot and apologised. DP was so wound up, partic. as he'd been poss. about to buy a car over the phone and started shouting at me calling me 'spasticated,' 'fuckface' and looming over me aggressively, just about containing his desire to hit me. Toddler DD was in earshot. This reaction is not unusual. When he's angry he'll often call me things like 'bitch,' 'cow' and his usual one, 'scum'
He's apologised for reacting the way he did but says that it was justifiable due to my stupidity.
I guess what I want to know is, is this a normal interraction. Can I accept that he says these things in the heat of the moment and doesn't mean them. He's not gratuitously violent to me, but he does put me down a lot.
Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/03/2009 23:28

Only 'normal' if you expect your DH to put you down like this

Not appropriate or acceptable in an equitable relationship. I think you need to think very hard about the kind of relationship that you have, that you expect and, most importantly, you deserve.

Alambil · 08/03/2009 23:28

Nope, not normal

"Oh, fgs DW I'm waiting for a call - I DID tell you" is normal or even "FFS, I told you I need the phone!"

but not "spasticated..... fuckface...." and general verbal abuse. Definitely not.

Alambil · 08/03/2009 23:30

and are you STUPID because you forgot he was due a call, or were you just normal?

Also, why hide upstairs for the call?! I bet it wouldn't have slipped your mind if he was downstairs like normal people who wait for calls...

GypsyMoth · 08/03/2009 23:36

Ugh!!!! Sorry,can you explain why you are with someone like this??!! I really don't understand why you are even asking if this is normal!

controlfreakythecontrolfreak · 08/03/2009 23:38

what do you mean he's not gratuitously violent? is he violent when there's a "reason"??

i think the real ? for you is whether you want your ds to think this is how mums and dads treat each other... you are modelling adult relationships for him.... is this what you want him to learn??

Spero · 08/03/2009 23:40

Not normal at all. He should know that, and you shouldn't put up with it. it is rude, bullying and abusive. How dare he! you are the mother of his child, who heard all this!!

IIf he doesn't accept that he's got a problem and he doesn't agree to go to counselling asap, then you should think long and hard about whether this is the kind of relationship template you want to provide to your child.

So sorry to hear this. My ex used to make his contempt for me quite clear, but it was never that bad.

macdoodle · 08/03/2009 23:41

NO NO NO not normal!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was with a man like this for 10 years - his favourite was "fat repulsive cunt" and couldnt understand why I didnt want to have sex with him
It is only now with my lovely lovely NM who would never ever dream of talking to me like that, that I realise just how wrong it was...I am sorry but normal men do not talk to women they love and respect (or anyone) like that EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

macdoodle · 08/03/2009 23:43

I understand why you are asking It becomes normal, you become accepting of it, you become immune to it, you blame yourself for it
That doesnt mean it is right or normal

Original poster

wizened · 08/03/2009 23:43

Hi Control freaky.. I mentioned th he's nit gratuitouslt violent because I'm not sure if what I'm describing comes into the category of domestic violence nad wanted to be clear about whta he is and isn't like.
No I don't want dd to hear those that love her speaking like this.

OP posts:

Scrumplet · 08/03/2009 23:43

No, no, no. Not normal at all. Christ, my parents have had their ups and downs over the years and they've set far from an ideal relationship example BUT they have never talked to each other like this.

It would be reasonable and normal for your partner to feel a bit pissed off over the phone incident. But it would also have been reasonable for him to articulate that (what should be mild) anger to you with a modicum of respect. You forgot he'd asked you stay off the phone; that's the kind of hiccup any one of us could walk into. You're an averagely erring human and don't deserve verbal abuse as punishment for that.

Just not on. Don't put up with it, whether this means insisting he learn some respect and to manage his temper, or you parting ways.

Original poster

wizened · 08/03/2009 23:45

sorry some strange typos there. I meant 'that he's not gratuitously violent'

OP posts:

thumbwitch · 08/03/2009 23:45

seriously not normal - way over the top in abusiveness. Bad, bad, bad.
And what macdoodle said - no person should or would ever talk like that to someone they love and respect. Rather sounds like respect is absent here, what about the love?

hmc · 08/03/2009 23:47

Your dh is abusive. It's unacceptable.

tiredsville · 08/03/2009 23:47

To be honest, I feel so sad that you would even need to ask if this is normal. You and your toddler do not deserve to be subjected to this verbal abuse. I think he is referring to himself when using the word scum.

lou33 · 08/03/2009 23:47

tell him if he would like to come round and use those words to my face, especially spasticated, i will gladly show him what i think of him

whay on earth are you with this man he sounds horrendous

Alambil · 08/03/2009 23:47

Yes, it does come under DV - Womens Aid label it as "Verbal Abuse"

macdoodle · 08/03/2009 23:48

An example, NM and I were having dinner, he was trying to tell a story, I kept interrupting , he went very quiet and when I stopped talking told me that he hates it when people interrupt and dont let other finish talking first.....in comparison STBXH would have told me to shut the fuck up/shut my fucking mouth/shut up and listen or any number of foul insults
Its not right I promise, the Bancroft book is always reccomended on here - read it!!

WilfSell · 08/03/2009 23:48

When you can calmly explain to him that you will no longer be accepting this kind of verbal abuse and he can carry on saying it but you won't let it affect you and you won't tolerate him treating you like this in front of your kids and he can cope with this and realise he has to do something differently... Then you might have a chance.

If not, it is just as likely to escalate as it is to continue in this mold. It is a total overreaction.

Decide you're worth more than this, toughen up to it and work out if you could manage on your own. Present him with that notion calmly and he'll show his true colours.

Alambil · 08/03/2009 23:49

This is what WA site says;

Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting; mocking; accusing; name calling; verbally threatening.

what is DV?

DeeBlindMice · 08/03/2009 23:50

no, not normal but then neither is making a 20 minute phone call when someone has just told you they are expecting a call

His temper and aggression beats your stupid thoughtlessness.

Is it possible you were trying to provoke him?

Not sure what he's so worried about anyway, I'm sure in this market the salesman will be more than happy to call again.

Original poster

wizened · 08/03/2009 23:54

Hi DeeBlindMice. It hadn't occurred to me to try to provoke him. We'd had a pleasant afternoon, no prelude to this. However, he did suggest that I'd done it to provoke him. I can see why he thought that as he couldn't believe I'd be so thoughtless. The thing is I was so thoughtless, I simply didn't think.

OP posts:

tiredsville · 08/03/2009 23:55

"Is it possible you were trying to provoke him?"
What kind of comment is this?

Alambil · 08/03/2009 23:56

you forgot - it happens

FFS I forget things all the time - I wouldn't expect to be called spasticated from ANYone

He is abusive - you didn't provoke him... any normal person would have just said "forgot I needed the phone?" or "gonna be long? - I am waiting for a call"

WilfSell · 08/03/2009 23:57

Exactly, why would you think? It was a mistake which human beings make. So why he needed to call you scum. fuckface and 'just about containing his desire to hit' you is a bit beyond me.

Come on, you wouldn't have posted this question if you didnt know it was wrong. Do you want us to tell you he was right?

WilfSell · 08/03/2009 23:58

And anyway, the 'you provoked' me defence is the last gasp of a violent person I'm afraid. Even if you did, it doesn't make threatening abusive stuff OK, especially in front of your kids.

You have to stop tolerating it and have a plan.

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