Is it normal for couples to have interractions/arguments like this?

[wizened]

Today dp said he needed to be by the phone as a car salesman was going to call at 4.30. He went off to the phone by the computer upstairs.
10 mins later I decided to call my sister for a chat on the downstairs phone, totally forgetting dp was waiting for a call. 20 mins later he came storming down the stairs having realised I'd been on phone. I immediately realised what I'd done, felt like an idiot and apologised. DP was so wound up, partic. as he'd been poss. about to buy a car over the phone and started shouting at me calling me 'spasticated,' 'fuckface' and looming over me aggressively, just about containing his desire to hit me. Toddler DD was in earshot. This reaction is not unusual. When he's angry he'll often call me things like 'bitch,' 'cow' and his usual one, 'scum'
He's apologised for reacting the way he did but says that it was justifiable due to my stupidity.
I guess what I want to know is, is this a normal interraction. Can I accept that he says these things in the heat of the moment and doesn't mean them. He's not gratuitously violent to me, but he does put me down a lot.
Thanks for reading.

I know, it happens. Out of sight out of mind and all that.

Why would he think you would provoke him if all was calm and you were having a nice day? Is that the kind of thing you might do if in a strop?

Does he often accuse you of trying to get at him?

you forgot, it was a mistake, people make them, you apologised.
It doesn't make you stupid, thoughtless, idiotic or any of the other things he said. If he suggested that he thought you had done it to provoke him, then he wanted/was all too ready to be provoked. He likes to keep you feeling in the wrong, obviously. Do you want to stay there?

I do know it's wrong. But I did wonder if in the context of a normal relationship there might sometimes be interractions like this.

nope... it ain't a normal relationship if there's interactions that are this violent

'When he's angry he'll often call me things like 'bitch' 'cow' and his usual one 'scum' '

So. Occasional overreaction might be normal. But his usual term for you in anger is scum? Doesn't sound like this is a rare occurrence...

Of course he said you were trying to provoke him... It's all about him isn't it.

The car salesman/new car possibility is irrelavant. There will always be a context excuse for him/abusive people.

Are you already walking on egg-shells? I would check this out honestly with yourself, it's a good indicator for what your general day to day life is with him.

DH and I have an interestingly loud relationship at times, and at NO point would either of us tolerate the language your P used to you.

Does rather depend on your definition of "normal" though - for some people, this would be normal. But it still ain't right.

Deeblindmice-It's not one of the things I'd do if i was in a strop. I'm the type to sulk a little or to nag, but it wouldn't occur to me to try to provoke him in that way.

I am certain DH would never say things like that to me.

Thanks everyone for your replies. I've got a lot of food for thought. Am off to bed and will check back on the thread tomorrow.

But does he accuse you of purposely winding him up? Does he have a persecution complex that he focuses on you?

He sounds dangerous from what you're saying here. Calling a person scum is so dehumanizing.

Are you scared of him?

Agree with thumbwitch - you have to be clear what you mean by 'normal'. for some very dysfunctional and abusive relationships this might be 'normal' i.e. happens frequently.

But I cannot for a second believe that in any relationship worth having this kind of behaviour happens even once every decade. It is just wrong.

I must admit I had the same thought about the salesman call.

me too - I've never known a salesman yet phone when they said they would, anyway. And if he were deceiving you about that, any residual possible guilt he might be feeling would amplify his reaction hugely.

does he talk in this way to other people?

work colleagues? acquaintances? friends?

no, I'm sure he doesn't (if he didn't want a punch on the nose)

so there is your answer

if it isn't acceptable out of the home, it isn't inside the home

How would he react if someone spoke to him in this way?

totally out of order. if my dh spoke to me like that it would be the one and only time. my dad spoke to and still speaks to my mum like that - it is verbal abuse. Don't accept especially for your ds sake. I remember it well as a child

Not normal, not acceptable. Have thought through all the couples I know, thought back to some of the asshole boyfriends I've had in the past, and can't think of one instance of name-calling like that. People do swear at each other in anger (i.e. why the f*ck did you do that?), but the aggressive name-calling is something I've never come across and wouldn't put up with if I did.

Just in case you might need some further persuasion....like thumbwitch, my DP and I have loud exchanges on occasions, but neither one of us would ever utter the quite hateful remarks your DH does. It would be the start of the end if ever came to this.

He's a bully.

You are a victim.

He won't stop his behaviour while you are accepting of it.

not acceptable at all

don't know what else to say

No, it's not normal.

We have rucks. Sometimes we say things in the heat of the moment, and sometimes voices are raised.

Never have I felt at threat of physical violence from him. Not ever. Never has he verbally abused me.

I know MN is full of 'leave the bastard' advice which isn't always meaningful or helpful. But honestly? I would never stay with a man who spoke to me like that. NEVER.

horrible and not within a range of what I would describe as normal. But I don't live in your house. Is it normal for you ? Has he always spoken to you this way ? I am guessing you don't speak to him this way ? How long do you think it will be before he speaks to your DC like this ?
Personally I wouldn't tolerate that sort of language and threatening behaviour.