Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help MIL is trying to get in touch!! Need MN help

36 replies

lisad123 · 08/03/2009 20:22

Some of you know that DH parents disowned us about 18 months ago after a huge row that had been building for ages. My MIL and FIL sent us horrible text messages, letter and were generally unkind in the run up to it all. They told DH he should leave me and the girls, said we belonged to a cult, we were money grabbing and generally horrible people. Well after the row DH parents sent every photo of the girls and our wedding pics back to us.

Its all been peaceful and both DH aunt and his brother (who lives round corner from mil and fil) have been in touch recently.

DH mum has now found us on facebook. She first sent a message saying "please get in touch I miss you" and a second one to me saying "please send me some pictures of the girls". DH wanted some time to think about everything and didnt reply so then we got "How can you forget your our family, we have done a lot for you"!!

DH replied saying that they had upset him alot especially when they sent the girls photos back, but he did still love them but he needs some time.

Today MIL has tried to add me as a friend on FB! I dont even have MY mum on my FB! I dont know what to do? I dont want to be horrible and upset them anymore than they already are, but i really dont want her on my FB, seeing what i do, seeing my friends and my girls.

We have already agreed she can have one recent photo of the girls but not all the ones she sent back.

Thanks if you got this far!

OP posts:
OatcakeCravings · 08/03/2009 20:30

I wouldn't have her on facebook - simple as. Explain that it's a fun space for you and your mates and you don't even have your own Mum if she questions you.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 08/03/2009 20:31

Seems a bit superficial to add someone as a FB friend -- I mean your mil adding you as a FB friend despite the fact that your relationship is still rather broken.

I think your idea of taking it slowly is really mature. Tell them that it was your 'cult' who suggested it

Original poster
lisad123 · 08/03/2009 20:34

LOL yes I have to say my "cult" have been the ones that suggest we "kill with kindness" rather than just kill them

OP posts:
JackBauer · 08/03/2009 20:37

Don't do anything on FB, just ignore it and the friend request will go away without anything being sent to her, you can always say you didn't see it as if she isnt your friend she can't see if you have been online or not.

I think you are both being quite calm and reasonable considering what happened TBH.

beanieb · 08/03/2009 20:38

Seeing as they sent back the photos it's ridiculous that your MIL is now piling on the guilt and begging for a photo.

I think ignore the friend request and wait for your husband to discuss what the best course of action is!

onepieceofcremeegg · 08/03/2009 20:40

It is perhaps a bit "easy" for her to add you onto fb rather than having a more open discussion with you?

They have said some horrible things about you, been very disrespectful about your faith/religion and being "money grabbing" etc.

Sounds like she has some bridges to build first imo.

Lindenlass · 08/03/2009 20:42

can you make her a friend then change the privacy settings for her so she can't see anything? I'm not sure if that's possible or not.

I'm fast beginning to hate FB for similar-ish reasons in our family

LadyPinkofPinkerton · 08/03/2009 20:43

I think that after the way things happened to get in touch via FB is a bit crass. If they care that much they could find other ways to contact you.

I think a letter to you and your DH would have been much more appropriate

BecauseImWorthIt · 08/03/2009 20:43

Just don't accept her friend request. You don't need to block or decline her. If she asks, just say that you hadn't seen it.

noonki · 08/03/2009 20:49

agree with I'm becauseimworthit

what a pathetic way to make up - send an email via a stupid networking site. to then send a mardy message when she didn't get the response she wanted. I wouldn't be happy.

Original poster
lisad123 · 08/03/2009 20:52

she know our phone number, and address. The last 2 letters she sent have been very unkind, and i feel dread seeing them on the doormat! when the texts were coming i used to dread my mobile beeping.
Im a calm person most of the time tbh, and understand mistake can be done but find it so hard when its aimed at my kids, especially as my oldest asks why we dont see nanny and granddad

OP posts:
edam · 08/03/2009 20:53

what because said - just don't reply to the friend request.

Original poster
lisad123 · 08/03/2009 21:07

if i dont add her, she can still send messages though

OP posts:
onepieceofcremeegg · 08/03/2009 21:11

Even if she still sends messages, you don't have to respond. Perhaps she wouldn't send many if she didn't get a response from you?

beanieb · 08/03/2009 21:11

HAve you responded to her letters. I would be asking for a heartfelt apology for the things she has said and telling her that she has a lot of making up to do.

UndertheBoredwalk · 08/03/2009 21:12

She can't send messages if she can't find you though can she? I have made myself undiscoverable on FB, you can set it in your security that you only appear in searches to people who are already your friend. Decline her request, hide yourself completely and to all intents and purposes to her it will look like you've dissapeared completely.
I did this on there for scarily similar family reasons.

hth

Original poster
lisad123 · 08/03/2009 21:17

I have never responded to her letters. I didnt know i could make it so she cant find me I hate changing things for them, mobile numbers had to be changed too

OP posts:
beanieb · 08/03/2009 21:38

I don't think you should respond to her letters to be honest, but maybe your husband should/has?

I second what Unedertheboredwalk says, just block her from being able to find you, ignore the request and she won't be able to contact you again. There is no reason at all that you should accept the friend request so just ignore it.

I think if you hover over 'settings' then click 'privacy settings' - at the bottom you can create a block list, just type their name into the box and then save.

it says "If you block someone, they will not be able to find you in a Facebook search, see your profile, or interact with you through Facebook channels (such as Wall posts, Poke, etc.). Any Facebook ties you currently have with a person you block will be broken (for example, friendship connections, Relationship Status, etc.). Note that blocking someone may not prevent all communications and interactions in third-party applications, and does not extend to elsewhere on the Internet"

beanieb · 08/03/2009 21:39

btw, when it says "Note that blocking someone may not prevent all communications and interactions in third-party applications" it mwans if she is friends with someone else that you are friends with, and that friend tags you in a photo she will be able to see the whole album that photo is in.

warthog · 08/03/2009 22:29

i would block her on facebook. that will stop the messages and she won't be able to see your listing. she may see the occasional photo with you in it in a mutual friend's album, but that's about it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2009 07:54

lisad123,

Re your comment:-
"I dont want to be horrible and upset them anymore than they already are, but i really dont want her on my FB, seeing what i do, seeing my friends and my girls".

Your MIL chose a social networking site to contact you?!. Pah. Do not have anything to do with this toxic MIL and FIL. No communication of any sort can be entered into with them because they will use that as a stick to beat you both further with.

I have to say "eh?" to the first part of this sentence you wrote because his toxic family have tried to do an awful lot of harm towards you all. Why on earth do you think they're upset?. They are not upset at all really and certainly show no contrition. Have they apologied, well no. They're more likely annoyed with you all again because they've lost their power and control over you both. You've stopped playing their game. This is what their toxic behaviour is all about ultimately. Power and control.

I guess as well if you've probably coming from a family where this sort of toxic behaviour never happened, this is completely alien. You want to help. But the short answer to that is you cannot. These people are not amenable to reasoned argument hence their behaviours to date. Any attempt at dialogue will be seen by them as an "attack" on them.

Such problems as well can become generational too; they will start on your DDs given the chance.

Your H may want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward and you could read "Toxic Inlaws" written by the same author. It will be a good starting point for you.

Use "caller identity" on your house phone also if you don't already have that. I would also consider changing your house phone number.

Original poster
lisad123 · 09/03/2009 08:00

we brought caller id after they kept calling last time
Will defo look for those books.
Yes I would tend to agree, my parents are nothing like this, and we all get on pretty well. I also am the sort that will try anything to help i guess. I think this recent contact is more to do with the fact that BIL, SIL and DH auntie have got in touch recently. They told us they wanted nothing to do with us.
I added sister inlaw to my FB, as she is lovely and got to see my niece and nephew pics, sad we missed so much but great to see how they are.
I will def not add them to FB and guess if messages keep coming will have to block them. Thanks loads

OP posts:
ComeWhineWithMe · 09/03/2009 08:18

I have all dp's family blocked on FB .

Hope you manage to sort it .

MsBeauregarde · 09/03/2009 08:50

At no point in her messaging has she revealed that she is sorry for the way she behaved!?

Her second message to you, one supposedly towards reconciliation, said "how can you forget your family, we have done a lot for you".

I think the words "sorry, we behaved very badly and caused you a lot of unnecessary upset with our strange behaviour" need to come before any half-hearted attempts at reconciliation.

Get your husband to try and figure out (from a real conversation) if she/they are genuinely sorry and see how their behaviour was ridiculous, controlling and unacceptable.

brettgirl2 · 09/03/2009 09:38

I think that your DH has behaved completely correctly and I would leave it with him to sort out because he clearly isn't going to take any crap from them. There are some completely mad people out there and the facebook thing is just frankly bizarre. They have discovered that they have no power over their son (well either son probably, or their own sister) and they are starting to look and feel rather silly.

Also, completely agree with the above, an apology might be a more fitting start.