Help MIL is trying to get in touch!! Need MN help

[lisad123]

Some of you know that DH parents disowned us about 18 months ago after a huge row that had been building for ages. My MIL and FIL sent us horrible text messages, letter and were generally unkind in the run up to it all. They told DH he should leave me and the girls, said we belonged to a cult, we were money grabbing and generally horrible people. Well after the row DH parents sent every photo of the girls and our wedding pics back to us.

Its all been peaceful and both DH aunt and his brother (who lives round corner from mil and fil) have been in touch recently.

DH mum has now found us on facebook. She first sent a message saying "please get in touch I miss you" and a second one to me saying "please send me some pictures of the girls". DH wanted some time to think about everything and didnt reply so then we got "How can you forget your our family, we have done a lot for you"!!

DH replied saying that they had upset him alot especially when they sent the girls photos back, but he did still love them but he needs some time.

Today MIL has tried to add me as a friend on FB! I dont even have MY mum on my FB! I dont know what to do? I dont want to be horrible and upset them anymore than they already are, but i really dont want her on my FB, seeing what i do, seeing my friends and my girls.

We have already agreed she can have one recent photo of the girls but not all the ones she sent back.

Thanks if you got this far!

Hi lisa, sorry your PIL are causing you all this stress! Lots of good suggestions on here as always. My suggestion would just be ignore, ignore, ignore. Eventually they stop trying to get to you when they realise nothing will happen.

I'm curious and missed your other thread, why do they think you're in a cult?

sorry about this ongoing saga.

Dont accept her friends request.

Block her, and she wont even see you on facebook at all. For all she is concerned, you may even have deregistered.

Go to your settings and make all your photos and details "available to friends" only.
So many people leave themselves totally open, in that everybody can see their profile, their pictures, their friends. Also tick the option that wont allow anybody to see who else is on your friends list. You dont want her to check up on you through somebody elses profile either.

Just let your dh deal with her and her correspondance in future.

Hi lisad123,

Re your comments:-

"Will defo look for those books".

Do so and get your DH to read them as well.

"Yes I would tend to agree, my parents are nothing like this, and we all get on pretty well".

Hence my comment about you not being from a toxic dysfunctional family (thank goodness!).

"I also am the sort that will try anything to help i guess".

But you CANNOT help these people, they will not listen to any reasoned argument from either of you and they will never apologise for their actions instead blaming others (i.e yourselves). Also any perceived criticism will be seen by them as a direct attack on themselves and they will respond by giving you both a laundry list of your own "shortcomings". These people are capabale of inflicting a great deal of emotional harm.

"I think this recent contact is more to do with the fact that BIL, SIL and DH auntie have got in touch recently. They told us they wanted nothing to do with us".

Why do you think that is?. I presume this is your H's parents doing also. A common tactic used by toxic parents is to actually get the other rellies on side against other family members, in your case both you and H.

I do not advocate cutting family members out lightly but in your case this is probably now the only way forward.

I would agree with the FB; make your settings on there as private as possible. As QuintessentialShadow rightly points out too many people do not set up enough privacy settings. You certainly need to reset your FB settings asap.

The "how can you forget your own family, we've done a lot for you" comment by toxic MIL is again typical and is more emotional blackmail designed to make you feel bad.

For lisad and all you FB peeps-
10 Privacy Settings Every Facebook User Should Know

Have you replied to her message through F/B ? I read on M/Net if you reply to a message that the sender can temporarily see your profile.. worth thinking about

Wow, don't add her on FB as she will then be able to write whatever she wants on your page for all to see. I came off another networking site for similar reasons.

It's not right that she contacts you thru the internet anyway, how inappropriate. Why can't she call and talk to you reasonably or write a reasonable letter? Maybe 'reasonable' doesn't enter her vocabulary?

She doesn't sound like she wants to make amends. She sounds as if she will put you both on some sort of guilt trip, all about what you have done to her and how good she has been to you, how can you treat her like this etc etc. I might be a bit overly cynical but I've been thru similar with my own mother and nothing changed, she never changed and only ever wanted to be bowed down to whilst woefully reinforcing/emphasising what she thought had been done to her (think martyr) without actually ever admitting any badness on her part. You cannot compromise with someone who is like that, with someone who cannot believe or admit they have been unreasonable.

I hope you can fix it. It all depends on whether your DH is willing to try and if she is willing to back down, talk and negotiate. If your DH needs more time, then so be it, just be as supportive as you can. Don't entertain her stalking you on the net.

I would suggest to them that an apology might be in order before you take any further steps forward. You and your Dh are understandably wary. What they did was very cruel and unkind particularly to your innocent dds.

thanks girls and boys.
To answer a few questions.
They said we are in a cult as DH now comes to my meetings (Im a JW)

I have no idea why BIL, SIL and aunt have just got in touch, but so nice to hear from them.

I have to say I got another message today asking for pictures. Still no sorry

Everything is always someone elses fault. They believe everyone is jealous of them and their money.
I cant believe she has got back in touch andis already giving me hassle via FB

Does anyoe know if i can get those books from normal book shops or if i need to get online?

lisa

Did you not change your FB settings?.

You should be able to get those books at a decent sized bookstore or online at Amazon.co.uk.

Your inlaws are indeed toxic. You will never receive any apology from them let alone a meaningful apology.

I would ignore her, if there is to be a reconciliation it has to come from your husband. They're his parents. I'd be annoyed if I'd decided not to talk to my parents and found husband was chatting to them on line.
Delete her emails or forward them to husband and leave all communication decisions re his family up to him.
You can set your spam filter to automatically send emails from her into spam if the emails become annoying.
Probably a more adult way of operating is to see if husband wants to send an email saying that you won't communicate with them in any way until they apologise for their past behaviour and for them to stop pestering you until they do so as he has already told them to give you both some space.