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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Anyone think my DH has post-natal depression?

44 replies

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 20:13

I just don't know if I'm in denial or if there really is an underlying problem. DH walked out on New Year's Day saying he needed to be away for a few months. Now he has decided he's not coming home. We have been to Relate since he left, and he really can't give a reason why he's gone. First of all he said he wasn't coping with the whole baby thing (DS now 10 months and a DREADFUL sleeper but perfect in every other way), now he says he thinks he can't love me as much as he thought he did, otherwise he wouldn't have left. We've been together for 9 years and married for 7. It was our anniversary in October and he sent me a lovely card with heartfelt words and then by November was distant and detached from me and DS.

I'm devastated and sad. I don't want to just accept this and give up but don't know what else to do.

Any thoughts? Thank you.

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Mumfun · 08/03/2009 20:52

Really sorry. Been through similar although after 2nd child and DH didnt leave in person but absent in spirit and love.

Friend said she felt mid life crisis. How old is your DH?

Things still bad here. Not sure what to do next.

Im using this website for support: midlifeclub.com/

BlueBumedFly · 08/03/2009 20:55

Lisalollipop - I am so sad for you and send my heartfelt wishes. I certainly agree with you that your DH could be suffering from post-natal depression.

I know someone who had exactly the same thing. He actually admitted that now she was a mother she could not be a lover. He left and she refused to give up. She worked and worked at it and they are back together now. They do rely heavily on parents and their DD goes for sleepovers at the grandparents every other weekend I think or at least once a month. I am sure he loves the DD to the ends of the earth, he did freak out at the whole new baby thing who did not sleep well though.

Can you find a way to have some time alone with DH? Do you think he could put his cards on the table for the sake of the relationship if you really pushed?

Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:02

Sorry to hear you are living it too Mumfun. DH is 38 in a couple of weeks. Will have a look at website. Can't think of anything helpful to say except I hope it gets better for you too.

Thanks Blue... I will try and get some time just me and him, without DS or counsellor. I'm sure all my friends and family think I should be angry with him, but at the moment I just can't and really think there is something that can be done, I just don't know what or who by.

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BlueBumedFly · 08/03/2009 21:13

LL - you most likely know DH better than anyone, especially family and friends so if this is out of character for him then hopefully it will come out in the wash over time.

I hope you can find some common ground and start to build some bridges.

I know it is an old cliche but this will only work if it is supposed to. In the meantime please try to put yourself and your DS first, you need to be well and strong if you are going to work this one through.

mullercorner · 08/03/2009 21:16

Lisa - dont mean to sound heartless but does he have someone else?

My friends husband did the same last year, just came out of the blue....he too said I need to be on my own for a while, said he couldnt come back, sent birthday gifts/card. After 6 months of toing and frowing and HER feeling guilty and imperfect, a friend told her he'd been seeing someone at work. He couldnt break it to her so thought the easiest way was to let her think he was having a breakdown etc... the birthday gifts were a sign of guilt.

Fingercrossed this is NOT your situation but just wanted to mention it.

Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:16

Thank you. Have got a health visitor coming tomorrow to help me get a sleep program sorted as I am close to the end of my tether with that. If sleep was a bit more sorted I'm sure I would feel better about myself aswell as DS, and could try and be more positive about DH too.

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Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:18

Don't think so mullercorner, but obviously has crossed my mind frequently. Have asked him and he said he was waiting for me to ask, but no.

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mullercorner · 08/03/2009 21:22

It just sounds soooo strange that he feels like this after 9 years of being together...My friend went through hell...she gave herself such a bad time and in the end it was him that was turning it around to shift the guilt. In the end she went through a whole host of emotions, she gave him an altermatum as she couldnt stand all the comings and goings and uncertainty..he left in the end and she felt as those she could get on with her life.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2009 21:23

I have had a few glasses of wine so am really struggling to moderate my thoughts here...

lisa, why do you have to be positive about your dh? He is the one with the problem.

I agree with Muller, what he has said in "explanation" (I use that term loosely ) is bloke-speak for "I am a weak shit who cannot deal with responsibility and if I am not already shagging someone else, I soon will be....."

mother versus lover ???

what a crock of shite

Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:29

Maybe so. Thing is, I love him as my husband, and the father of my boy. I just want to be a happy family. I never wanted to bring a little person into the world if they weren't wanted by both his parents. I know he does want him and, like I say I may be in denial but just want to do anything I can to try and get us all to be happy.

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BlueBumedFly · 08/03/2009 21:30

AnyF - why a crock of shite? He said it, I was just saying what he said. The man in question has just risen above shite status now and I truly hope he keeps on rising.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2009 21:33

what about your happiness?

is he thinking about that?

no one person can be engineer the happiness of another, he has to to want to be with you and your dc

of course you want to be a happy family

does he?

you cannot do it for him

Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:37

I know I can't do it for him, but if I just accept this, that won't make me happy either.

I know there is the possibility that I am deluding myself, but if he is suffering from some kind of depression, he could get better and it seems worth a try to me.

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AnyFucker · 08/03/2009 21:39

ok, so he is suffering from some kind of depression

is he seeking help for it and showing you he wants to make your relationship work?

Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:43

He tried to get an appointment with a counselling service he has used before (for a work issue) and they helped him alot that time. Unfortunately they have just left him dangling on a waiting list. That's when we started going to Relate and he still wants to carry on going there.

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mullercorner · 08/03/2009 21:44

Lisa - I always live in fear of being on my own with my DS - Its my worst fear as my Mother left me and my brother when we were young and it has definately affected me.

I have always said I would fight to keep my marriage and family together I dont want my DS growing up without his daddy. So if you believe he is telling the truth you fight for him and you family - dont listen to anyone else. If you fight you will then know you have done everything you could possibly have done...fight for your man!

AnyFucker · 08/03/2009 21:47

you are currently going to relate ??

that is a good sign

is he taking on board your issues as well as his own?

sorry, don't mean to sound so full-on, but you seem so submissive and willing to accept blame for somthing that is really not your fault

Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:48

Thanks mullercorner. I know I could cope on my own with DS, but I really really don't want to. And I will fight...

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Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:52

Yes Anywotsit!, we're going weekly to relate.

He does accept all the things I say and can't deny them. He doesn't try to blame me.

I know I sound (and feel) submissive but have never been good at confrontations or arguing. I won't let him blame me though and I am a strong person despite not being a shouter.

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Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:55

Sorry to hear about your mother leaving when you were young mullercorner. Must be so hard and good for you for making it so important in your relationship.

Sorry was too wrapped up in me to say that before.

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AnyFucker · 08/03/2009 21:57

good for you !

lol @ "anywotsit" (you can say anyfucker, practice it in front of the mirror )

you can still fight for what you want without shouting, in fact quiet but firm stating of your situation is probably the best way to go

shouting is just noise, after all

Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 21:59

anyfucker anyfucker anyfucker

Will do 10 lines a day!

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gagarin · 08/03/2009 22:05

Case of midlife crisis?

"Is this it?" syndrome?

"Now all I ahve to look forward to is turning into my dad" anxiety?

Plus maybe has spotted someone on the horizon and realises he may have the chance of a fling? Or is already having one?

Or is used to having the full attention of a female - first his mum and then you? So is feeling unwanted and pouty about the baby? (Doesn't mena he doens't love him - just that he's used to being the apple of someone's eye and now isn't?!)

Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 22:05

Thanks all for comments and advice.

Off to bed now to prepare for the 3rd wake up so far since bedtime.

Hurrah for the sleep lady coming tomorrow. She'd better fix him!

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Original poster

lisalollipop · 08/03/2009 22:08

Hi gagarin.

Don't know is the answer.

Not really about the full female attention thing - his mum not really mumsy and he's quite a self-sufficient kind of guy. I've never mumsied him either!

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