StepDaughter

[paandora]

Every birthday for the past 11 years I have lavished birthday presents on my stepdaughter. I am now considering not to bother from now on as she doesn't even get me a card, let alone a pressie.
Fair enough if she is not keen on me, but what pisses me off I look after her DC (9 month old) more frequently then her own mother, yet I am not given mutual respect.
AIBU just to stop the card/present buying and send a text wishing her happy birthday like she does me?

She is turning 19, which is why I am thinking she is old enough to know better.

how old is she?

is she short of money

what is your relationship like with her generally?

She may not get her own mum gifts? I found out this year that my step sisters don't buy for our (IYSWIM) folks. In 'their' family, gifts go across and down generations until recipient has kids, but not up.

don't give to receive. Do you like her? Perhaps she's not the sort of person to buy gifts for extended family?

Maybe if you are not happy with the childcare arrangements you should be less available.

Ok, more information here. She gives her mother and her father (my dp) gifts. To be honest I would just be happy for a card. No she isn't rolling in it, but a card isn't going to make a huge difference. Just feel like I'm being taken for a mug as I have helped her out a lot.

"Fair enough if she is not keen on me, but what pisses me off I look after her DC (9 month old) more frequently then her own mother, yet I am not given mutual respect"
Erm do you after your step daughters 9 month old baby often?

i think i agree with Beanieb

Yes, once a week. Sometimes over night.

well i think the two are separate issues

do you enjoy the time with the LO? do you do it willingly?

TBH I think if you are looking after her 9 month old at least once a week, and sometimes overnight then she should be showing some appreciation and gratitude, it's just polite.

Can I just ask, is she rude and disrespectful to you (ie general pattern of behaviour), or is she just forgetful and disorganised when it comes to birthdays?

It must be very hurtful for you.

No you don't give to receive, but it sounds like a little gratitude here wouldn't go amiss. Maybe she can't afford to buy you much, but it doesn't cost much to get a card.

Whenever I babysit for friends, or vice versa, we will buy each other flowers or chocolates. You're looking after her child once a week and she can't even give you a birthday card. I think she's being very ungrateful and rude, and is taking you for granted.

I love the LO, but would rather do less babysitting as I actually wouldn't mind going out with my friends, dossing in front of TV etc. She asks me all the time because her mum stated she shouldn't have got pregnant so young and she wants free time. (Fair enough)

I agree with Surfermum really. Is it a regular care arrangement which would be hard to break? If not then it probably wouldn't hurt to be come a little less available. Maybe without the negativity you feel towards the childcare you would feel better over all.

I do think they are separate issues though, she sounds thoughtless RE the birthday thing. You say she is not keen on you and given that you have been in her life for so long I wonder if that will ever change.

Janos, she is constantly falling out with people and yes has been very rude and disrespectful to me in the past. I have just bared it for dp's sake, I can make allowances for kids but she is older now, enough is enough.

Once a week isn't a huge amount and doesn't really stop you going out.

Sending texts as she does would just be daft imho as you don't like it and you would be trying to make a point.

Just tell you you aren't buying anymore, or buy with good grace.

dp and I buy her seperate presents.

Er, I work and have my own dc to look after so once a week is a huge amount to me I'm afraid. I am always totally knackered.

What mrsjammi says about putting your name on your OH's present is a good idea.

Yep, thats what I will do put my name on dp's.

so you babysit once a week for her to do what? go out and socialise? Sorry, but she needs to learn that she's got a baby now - you can't go out as often as if you don't have a baby! It's a hard lesson, but it needs to be learned (says someone who had a baby at 19)

If you were babysitting so she could go to nightschool, it'd be different IMO - what parents get to go out once a week anyway?

I'd just put your name on DPs present and send her a text - or just a fiver voucher for a shop or something small

Is your relationship such that you can have a chat about this, paandora?

I mean, if she treats you badly otherwise I wouldn't bother with the free childcare and tell her to make other arrangements.

If she is just being a bit thoughtless then perhaps a friendly chat will sort it?