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Original poster

Can someone come and say something to make me feel better? Inappropriate DH?

45 replies

McMummy · 08/03/2009 16:01

Ok,
My dh and I have been married for nearly 11 years - we got married quickly when he was 22.

He is generally a good guy, good dad, supportive etc.

I have never thought he was unfaithful, but he does some really stupid things. Like:
He went on a skiing trip (boys trip - I am fine with that). His Facebook page (a year and a half later) showed a "friend" who said they "hooked up". He said he and all his friends just partied with her and her friends one night - he put their details into his phone and invited everyone on his contact list to be his Facebook friend. I don't believe he did anything, but I don't like him getting other people's details, and them saying they "hooked up". It can have 2 meanings, and its embarassing.

The next year, even though he promised me he wasn't going skiing again (this was before Facebook, and before I found out about the "hooking up"

A while later I found out about a 2nd phone. He said he just liked the phone (he has a work one, so didn't need one), and didn't want to tell me as he felt guilty about spending the money.

While at a wedding, he was pissed and upset at the death of a family member. We all were back at the B&B, and about 5 of us were about to go into a room - my friend was already in the room. He closed the door on all us and locked it. After 2 mins he unlocked the door then went and lay on the bed and put his head on my friends lap.

It took me awhile to get over that - I was so embarassed.
After that, he worked from home for awhile and our realationship really got back on track. I felt we had rebuilt our relationship.

Then last night I saw on his Facebook inbox that he was planning on meeting a 19 year old girl (who he met at a festival) for drinks. They exchanged phone numbers via email.
He didn't actually go (next email was to apologise for not being able to make it)

So, I am gutted. I really don't believe he has been unfaithful. But very thoughtless, stupid, and perhaps playing with fire.

Somebody tell me something that can somehow make it all good.

I don't think anything can make this good.

Congrats for making it to the bottom!

OP posts:
Original poster
McMummy · 08/03/2009 16:03

D'oh!Meant to say that the next year he promised he wouldn't go skiing again, and I found out he was going by his credit card statement.

OP posts:
nailpolish · 08/03/2009 16:04

he just sounds immature
i dont know how you can sort that, sorry, but i dont think you have anything to worry abuot in the faithful dept

are you able to talk about it afterwards properly (withut shouting)

piratecat · 08/03/2009 16:06

minor/major early midlife crisis. you married young, and tbh not all men make it thru to the death do us part bit. I have exp. He is playing with fire, he is trying to make a life 'outside' your marriage but not one that compliments it, one that ignores it.

you both need to talk, and i am sorry.

squeaver · 08/03/2009 16:10

Agree with naily and pirate. Your dh is immature. He may never have got his head round being married. He does stupid things (and regrets them?).

You need to let him know that this is not good enough and what you really expect from him. Unfortunately, you need to be the grown-up here.

prettyfly1 · 08/03/2009 16:10

I think that at the very least he is being disrespectful to you, his partner and needs a damned good kicking in to touch. To be honest I would be more suspicious then you are about the behaviour - the phone thing got me. But you need to explain to him that friendships with niineteen year old girls when you are married is no longer on and he can stop it right now.

Original poster
McMummy · 08/03/2009 16:28

I have been suspicious, but he tends toward the dumbass rather than the devious, so I tend to believe him.
Thing is, I don't think I can take one more episode when I see an email/find a phone/credit card bill, and my stomach drops and I feel like being sick - because he has done something stupid. And even though I am pretty sure he wouldn't cheat, I do worry and wonder. And I feel like I have to do all the work to get past it.

I am totally against cheating, but this morning I told him that I would do what he has done. I will meet young men and go for drinks. I will keep it a secret, and then he can find out - he can see how HE likes it.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 08/03/2009 16:52

yip; get yourself a second mobile, go to festivals with the girls, start dying your hair and generally keeping it from him. He needs to up his respect dramatically.

On a serious note dont do the above- you wont like yourself, but make him sort it out!

Janos · 08/03/2009 17:18

Oh dear McMummy. His behaviour does sound suspicious.

I'm afraid lots of men use the 'D'oh I'm such a hopeless case' line to cover lots of behaviour which they know full well is out of order/inappropriate. In my experience of course.

At the least, he is being very thoughtless and disrespectful. It's not nice being treated that way, understand why you are upset.

HecatesTwopenceworth · 08/03/2009 17:29

You don't think he is unfaithful or at least trying to be? Really?

He has a secret mobile phone (I know from personal experience that someone has a secret mobile phone for one reason and one reason alone.)
He 'parties' with women who then make claims (we hooked up at a party? come on.)
He behaved inappropriatly with your friend
He made plans - serious plans if he actually apologised for not being able to make it - to meet a young girl.
He works away from home, which means nothing in itself, but certainly gives him the space to do what he likes. And he's demonstrated an inclination, from what you've posted.

Sorry, but my cheater alarm is deafening me.

Ohforfoxsake · 08/03/2009 17:37

You have to decide what you are prepared to put up with within your relationship. If you trust him (which you sound like you do) he shouldn't feel he has to hide things. Deciding he's going on a skiing trip, and paying for it without telling you is deceitful. Buying a phone without telling you (presuming you share finances) is deceitful.

No one can say he is or isn't cheating. But if you are suspicious, only you can decide if you can live with it.

Personally I'd have emailed/fb'd the girls. I've made that call, and whilst I have been proved wrong, it helped me put my suspicions to one side and build up the trust again. I was acutely though.

I went mad last week when I say an 'o2 pay as you go' top up made on his bank statement. DP has a phone through work, which work pays for. I felt sick to my stomach. Turns out its a really, really common fraudulent transaction doing the rounds. You just never know ....

TotalChaos · 08/03/2009 17:47

I agree with Hecate. The 2nd secret phone is very suss, and in comparison with the other issues...

ginnny · 08/03/2009 17:56

I wouldn't say he's definitely cheating ... yet, but he does seem to be 'testing the water'. Maybe he lost his nerve on the FB date, but if he carries on like this it probably will lead to cheating.
Have you asked him why he does these things? Maybe he's having those old "is the grass greener?" feelings.
Spell out to him exactly what will happen if he ever cheats and let him see what he stands to lose if he doesn't sort out his stupid childish behaviour. Also explain to him that all the time he's telling these lies, you can't trust a word he says, and you will think the worst anyway.
I agree with OFFSake, either email the FB girls or put a very clear message on his FB wall that shows he is married. (I do that sometimes on DP's FB as there are some females on there I don't know and I just like to let them know he's taken .

AnyFucker · 08/03/2009 18:30

I agree with Hecate

He is cheating, and if he hasn't actually got that far yet, he is certainly very much wanting to.

Don't fall for the "d'oh, silly me" bollocks, he is a grown-up isn't he? He knows exactly what he is doing.

If he was my dh, all this crap would have to stop immediately, he would have to tip up all credit card statements, mobile phones, boys hols would be "no more" and only when he earned my trust again would those stipulations be relaxed. Even after that, I would keep my eye on the ball, as it were.

What a shitter.

MitchyInge · 08/03/2009 18:38

when you say his 'facebook inbox' do you mean public messages on his wall or are you logging on to his account and reading private messages?

Original poster
McMummy · 08/03/2009 18:55

Private messages Mitchy

OP posts:
MitchyInge · 08/03/2009 18:58

I wasn't suggesting that was a bad thing on your part, just wondering how secretive he was being about it all - as in, if it is out there for all to see then it's probably less incriminating?

but I don't know anything really, haven't lived with a man for over 15 years!

warthog · 08/03/2009 19:24

i'm sorry, but i DO think he's up to something. he's counting on you thinking that he's stupid and thoughtless, but actually he's quite organised. he's got a 2nd phone, he's booked holidays and not told you, he's arranged meetups.

i really think it's time you sat him down for a serious talk, told him what you expect of him and if he doesn't tow the line then he will have to deal with The Consequences.

Original poster
McMummy · 08/03/2009 19:38

We had a talk a bit ago, and he said that he doesn't know why he asked the girl out for drinks, that he was being stupid, etc etc.

Then he said that he has been feeling un-appreciated, etc.
Thing is, while this happened he was working from home, I was a SAHM, and I thought we were better than we've ever been. I hold his hand all the time, I hug him all the time, pinch his bum etc. I thought we were so close during this time. If he feels I wasn't appreciating him enough, I really don't know if I can do better.

I suggessted that we split up - pay our debts and get enough together for him to get a down payment on a house. He said he wouldn't leave - he loves me more than anything, he doesn't want to lose me, but he WON'T go to Relate.

I don't know what to think, and I am very confused.

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 08/03/2009 19:38

Agree with AF and Hectate. Too many women on here have been 'surprised' to find out their DHs have cheated because they just weren't 'the type'. I don't believe the innocent cheeky chappie thing either. I'd be keeping my eyes peeled if I were you McMummy, maybe he has the wool well pulled over your eyes and that's why you don't feel he is capable?

You don't have a secret second phone and arrange to meet girls for nothing. Even at that it's complete deception.

squeaver · 08/03/2009 19:42

So suddenly it's all your fault is it????

MitchyInge · 08/03/2009 19:44

if he won't leave, how feasible is it for you to leave him? is it worth planning ahead so you have a route planned should it become unbearable at home?

Original poster
McMummy · 08/03/2009 19:50

I only just went back to work, and I don't make much as I work Part time term time. If we sold the house and I got half the equity, I don't think I would get a mortgage. I am not a UK citizen, so I am not sure what rights I would have.

I went from feeling like I had the best life ever yestrday (great new job/everything fitting together for childcare etc/great kids/supportive partner) to now feeling like I will end up with nothing.

OP posts:
LadyBee · 08/03/2009 20:04

Ask him what he would like to see you doing that will make him feel more appreciated.

Then tell him that you'll make an effort to do that if he accompanies you to counselling.

Tell him that you feel that your relationship is worth fighting for and that counselling is the way to do it.
If he doesn't, then it's your decision whether to stay with him or not.

Very sorry that this is happening to you.

AnyFucker · 08/03/2009 20:14

I am soooo sorry, what a horrible, horrible wake-up call for you

I see he is trying to make you think it is your fault and refusing to seek help to understand why your marriage is at terrible risk

nice

TonyAlmeida · 08/03/2009 20:16

he wont go to therapy because he doesnt want to change,